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The stakes are often higher in a "relationship" where the common expectation is that companionship, romance, physical, and familial needs will be fulfilled. You can argue that is an unfair expectation but many do have that expectation and if so then some level of effort (is all effort "work" - outside of physics, that is?) may be necessary at points to maintain the relationship.
The phenomenon of your significant other being your everything is a recent one, and I hate it. It puts too much pressure on one person, which isn't fair to either party in a relationship.
In the past, a spouse/SO was mostly a partner in raising kids and maintaining a household, almost like a work partnership with some "love" thrown in. And even then, the parents only raised infants that needed close care. Kids from toddlers and up were often taken care of by their older siblings, other relatives, neighbors, etc. Families were large, or even enormous. People lived in close-knit villages or city neighborhoods. People could get socialization, emotional support, or simply a pastime from their extended families, lifelong friends, neighbors, etc.
If the relationship with one's SO hit a rough patch, it was far from the end of the world. There were so many other people in a person's support network, that getting past it was super-easy, because that relationship wasn't something their life revolved around. Unlike today, when one's SO is the be all and end all. Not to mention, the state laws in the past were meant to support the family unit, not destroy it.
]I thought this thread would be about beliefs pertaining to faith, humanity, maybe even politics or art or health,[/b] but instead it seems to be about avoiding certain things perceived to be 'bad.' That, and a lot of fear. And, IMHO, about claiming you're against something you couldn't have anyway.
In my opinion, just being against something is what I call a negative belief. Ever notice how some people can make a list of all the things they don't like more easily than they can make a list of things they like?
Anyhow.
In my 20s up to almost 30, I did lots of non traditional things with my life. I can separate them all into two categories: stuff I genuinely loved and stuff I was doing to prove a point or just check a box. Thing is I couldn't differentiate between the two at the time. All I knew was sometimes I came home relaxed and happy and sometimes I came home still anxious and unfulfilled. I was forcing things in the latter case, because I "believed" they were right and that I needed to do them.
The same thing applied to my love life. YMMV.
I apologize for the tricky wording in the title, I should have said preferences not beliefs. are you saying I have fear?. I can easily make a list of things I like\dislike but I see where you are coming from. I agree with you there, that is something i never want to do, just doing it because its expected or its what we are supposed to do, I want to be my own person and not what society says I should be.
I agree with this for the most part. Treat your partner with the level of respect you would want yourself, always be attentive to them and do not take them for granted. If those principles are followed a relationship should be relatively easy unless something traumatic occurs caused by an outside source. People will have to raise the bar a bit to overcome those instances.
The traditional nuclear family is hard work. I don't shy away for hard work if there is a benefit in it for me. However it seems like the traditional family routine mostly benefits society rather than the individual...not worth any effort.
Good Point, unforeseen circumstances can change things but other than that a relationship is supposed to be fun. Again, a good point and I agree with it all, a traditional family works for most people but for others its not what they want, and there is nothing wrong with that in my opinion.
This just might be true, for all you or I know. I refuse to partake as well.
I would also like to suggest that breaking up thriving extended families into two or more nuclear families---which we know as "traditional family" today---was a government scheme to boost sales of consumer goods and real estate (houses). Is it truth or is it plain old conspiracy theory? You (plural) decide!
How long have you been searching for this? How close have you come to achieving this?
It's possible. Find a lady that doesn't want kids I guess
I would say about 10 years now, I haven't come that close, usually on the first date I will find out that the girl usually wants marriage, kids or both, and I know there is no point in date number 2, but i will giver online dating a try and see how that goes.
At first blush your post is logical. However, friendships mostly fulfill companionship needs and not a lot beyond that.
The stakes are often higher in a "relationship" where the common expectation is that companionship, romance, physical, and familial needs will be fulfilled. You can argue that is an unfair expectation but many do have that expectation and if so then some level of effort (is all effort "work" - outside of physics, that is?) may be necessary at points to maintain the relationship.
If you're okay with everyone (or you) jumping ship at the first squabble and having 100% breakup and divorce rates then don't put any effort in - simple! Everyone has to evaluate the degree of differences they can tolerate and whether it is "worth it" or not. If people choose to work harder at a relationship it is because they perceive it is more valuable than something they let go easily.
I agree that those things are expected in a relationship (other than the family needs if you are taking about procreating) and I am happy and want to give my girlfriend those things. I wouldn't say jump at the first argument but if it becomes an issue that lingers on (for days or maybe weeks) or you argue a lot then for me personally i would leave, relationships for me should for the most part be enjoyable.
The phenomenon of your significant other being your everything is a recent one, and I hate it. It puts too much pressure on one person, which isn't fair to either party in a relationship.
In the past, a spouse/SO was mostly a partner in raising kids and maintaining a household, almost like a work partnership with some "love" thrown in. And even then, the parents only raised infants that needed close care. Kids from toddlers and up were often taken care of by their older siblings, other relatives, neighbors, etc. Families were large, or even enormous. People lived in close-knit villages or city neighborhoods. People could get socialization, emotional support, or simply a pastime from their extended families, lifelong friends, neighbors, etc.
If the relationship with one's SO hit a rough patch, it was far from the end of the world. There were so many other people in a person's support network, that getting past it was super-easy, because that relationship wasn't something their life revolved around. Unlike today, when one's SO is the be all and end all. Not to mention, the state laws in the past were meant to support the family unit, not destroy it.
Yeah ask a housewife in a troubled marriage from 50 years ago how supported she felt.
Do you have some baggage you want to get counseling to resolve?
Other answer. I knew an executive who never cohabited even and married for first time at age 73. Eventually he understood that some areas are very hard on singles, just woman mainly, and he could do an old female friend he trusted a favor when she no longer felt safe living alone. Some cities are REALLY creepy places to females, especially poor areas. No one lives alone for long in poor neighborhood or they move out in a body bag. Even the wealthy women can feel creeped after meeting something threatening in community and you know the cops/courts won't do a thing to protect the females or girls., just leaving the wealthy predators run and the poor sex abuser victims just run off as the cops/courts just ruin the victims who cannot afford any attorney; the wealthy REPEAT abusers ALWAYS have good counsel. Anyway, Is healthier for seniors to have a companion in the house as health emergencies are noticed sooner...
Might try being open minded for a while and see what you think...
The number of available females is about to shrink quickly at your age as the ticking clock, money problems or weirdo troubles motivate the women to relationships. Then you get the rebounders and divorces who have children to house and just not possible to go running around and deal with childcare to do FWB until age 55 or so for some women.
Why don't you get involved for some relationship time and think about it quietly for a while...? Could have separate bedrooms if you hate snoring...Could always agree on some territory arrangement by your age for sure...I can sure understand if you live in a high cost of living area and your budget is a broom-closet...sticking two people in there is misery but some people do it with dinky housing trend. Kids in house REALLY challenges the territory things. You know, even a male coming and going from a female's pad after getting creeped keeps the neighborhood problems away a lot of the time.
Not that I am aware of, my only "baggage" would be the three things I started this topic with, i don't see it as baggage but I am sure many woman will think it is. that is true, my age bracket its going to be extremely difficult to find what I am looking for, but I will try. I don't have a problem sleeping in the same bed with woman (i have before) or spending multiple days together (I have done this before also), i just don't want to live with her 24\7 365.
The phenomenon of your significant other being your everything is a recent one, and I hate it. It puts too much pressure on one person, which isn't fair to either party in a relationship.
In the past, a spouse/SO was mostly a partner in raising kids and maintaining a household, almost like a work partnership with some "love" thrown in. And even then, the parents only raised infants that needed close care. Kids from toddlers and up were often taken care of by their older siblings, other relatives, neighbors, etc. Families were large, or even enormous. People lived in close-knit villages or city neighborhoods. People could get socialization, emotional support, or simply a pastime from their extended families, lifelong friends, neighbors, etc.
If the relationship with one's SO hit a rough patch, it was far from the end of the world. There were so many other people in a person's support network, that getting past it was super-easy, because that relationship wasn't something their life revolved around. Unlike today, when one's SO is the be all and end all. Not to mention, the state laws in the past were meant to support the family unit, not destroy it.
That does seem to be a growing trend, and not one I want to be part of, I need my space.
I apologize for the tricky wording in the title, I should have said preferences not beliefs. are you saying I have fear?. I can easily make a list of things I like\dislike but I see where you are coming from. I agree with you there, that is something i never want to do, just doing it because its expected or its what we are supposed to do, I want to be my own person and not what society says I should be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JimBrown333
I would say about 10 years now, I haven't come that close, usually on the first date I will find out that the girl usually wants marriage, kids or both, and I know there is no point in date number 2, but i will giver online dating a try and see how that goes.
I just have to wonder how you are presenting this to your dates...because not wanting to marry or have kids are usually options you can check for an online dating profile. So to bring those up on a first date would just be to confirm that you share what you should share with them since it was already stated - no biggie. But if you are not being upfront and then get all militant and strident on a first date then yeah, you're gonna have a lot of bad first dates.
I do get the feeling you enjoy being different and maybe getting on a soapbox and then getting to tell everyone how different you are and how hard it is. YES - you ARE different and when you're different it is harder to find people. That's something you should have learned in high school and not have it be a chip on your shoulder now.
Maybe you're presenting what you want in the most negative and extreme way to "be sure" she understands you...I dunno what your strategy is...but it may be time to try something different.
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It puts too much pressure on one person, which isn't fair to either party in a relationship.
