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I am not sure the owning my own home thing helps in any way. As one of my exes eloquent put it, I attracted the "HOBOsexuals"- the men that wanted a relationship with me so they would not be homeless.
Well, it's not like I advertised it. Plus, it wouldn't matter if I attracted 1K homeless men, it's not like I would date one.
The men I dated were usually in the higher paid range, and had their own homes.
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Then you probably know what confirmation bias means. Yes, dating is different thanks to the internet. People now have access to a larger pool. And, at first, that can make it feel like you have a lot of options. But talk to anyone who's done online dating and they'll voice the same complaint. "I see the same profiles year after year." IMO, you're frustrated with dating and looking to blame the people in the dating pool or the times we live in. But despite how technology has changed our lives, I think the fundamentals are the same. OLD is just giving you alternative ways of meeting someone.
In the past five years, I gave OLD a shot; it didn't work for me but I did find a lot of my men friends online. Now, at 55, I am dating someone my age (ya, those of you who follow me know my past older woman/younger man experience & yes, we're still friends) who I met out of town, during a show in Tampa listening to the best Dead cover band, ever (you can add SOF & CF to the mix as well). I've always preferred to meet people by accident; OLD feels "forced" to me with a "so called bigger pool" full of flotation devices. I've come to look at dating this way (and the rest of everything as well): either it works or it doesn't. And if it doesn't, move on & keep smiling because the sun is already shining in my backyard under a yellow sky with a blue sun.
It is slim for most of us. I listen to relationship podcasts and read a lot of psychology books. The thing that's changed a lot from the male perspective (as it relates to online dating specifically, which has ruined us) is this feeling women have of an abundance of available "bigger better deals" as it relates to men. Hence they have a list of 53 "must haves", rather than 5 must haves and many "nice to haves". I've been through this exercise myself, and I know what my must haves are. Its not a huge list. Although I'd love to find a woman who can have kids, at my age I'm throwing in the towel. I may be open to adoption. I've just had to accept it. Aside from that, I just want someone I'm attracted to who values health and fitness and personal growth. Obviously, I want someone with some intelligence, and nurturing, loyal, and who will also challenge me. That's really the extent of it though. Not easy to find.
I have only 5 things on my list but I still can't find this man.
1 - Healthy (my definition of 'healthy' may be too restrictive... I'm working on that)
2 - Loves life
3 - Loves kids
4 - My intellectual and financial equal
5 - Rocks my world in bed
Last edited by JJ09990; 06-27-2017 at 08:38 AM..
Reason: word choice
Well, it's not like I advertised it. Plus, it wouldn't matter if I attracted 1K homeless men, it's not like I would date one.
The men I dated were usually in the higher paid range, and had their own homes.
I have never found a man that owned his own home. I struck gold when I found one that had lived in his own apartment for 10 years, without his parents.
Higher paid really was not the issue. I could easily find men making $60-$90k a year but lived with their parents. I dated one that was homeless, but technically it made sense. He was an OTR truck driver and lived in a truck. Right up until the first time he went on a date with me, then he suddenly quit his job, so he could stay near me and he was jobless and homeless and standing on my porch like a lost puppy. I will never fall for that trick again. But the rest looked at me as a way of getting out of their parents house.
In my 20s, I was very picky when it came to looks and far too flexible when it came to things like personality or interests. Now I'm the opposite. If a woman shares my values, is fun to be with, and has the same goals, I don't care if she's overweight.
I agree with the above, and I think most people are that way. I cared if you were cute and fun, and a car./lol Why? Because I didn't care about settling down or any of that, just go out and have a good time.
As I got older, integrity became much more important, and still someone I can have fun with. Attraction replaced "hot". A whole list of things that I think most of us went through to varying degrees.
The other thing that I think weighed on my choices to date was I was fine being single. So if a person did not add to the quality of my life, then there was no purpose to being with them, and I would expect them to think the same thing. I literally would rather stay home and wash my hair than go out on a bad date.
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That sounds more like a character flaw to me. This stuff actually helps me and I don't manipulate anyone. How can learning to communicate better with the opposite sex be seen as a negative?
Because if you overdo it it isn't you anymore. It sounds like it comes from a textbook ... which it does!
Yes, you may manipulate because these "instructions" you are reading are supposed to draw women in, make them like you, keep you. You can call it "advice" but it can easily be manipulation and if a woman is smart, she looks right through it and runs. The ones who don't notice are the ones you don't want.
I have never found a man that owned his own home. I struck gold when I found one that had lived in his own apartment for 10 years, without his parents.
Higher paid really was not the issue. I could easily find men making $60-$90k a year but lived with their parents. I dated one that was homeless, but technically it made sense. He was an OTR truck driver and lived in a truck. Right up until the first time he went on a date with me, then he suddenly quit his job, so he could stay near me and he was jobless and homeless and standing on my porch like a lost puppy. I will never fall for that trick again. But the rest looked at me as a way of getting out of their parents house.
I seem to be attracting renters who look at my house with stars in their eyes... until I show them the 1 car garage, 1 sink in the master bath and tiny closet. This is MY house. If "we" become serious, then "we" need to go 50/50 on "our" house.
I have only 5 things on my list but I still can't find this man.
1 - Healthy (my definition of 'healthy' may be too restrictive... I'm working on that)
2 - Loves life
3 - Loves kids
4 - My intellectual and financial equal
5 - Rocks my world in bed
I think I would fit that (ok, maybe at times I have trouble with #2) and I don't think its an exhaustive list. Its a good list.
Because if you overdo it it isn't you anymore. It sounds like it comes from a textbook ... which it does!
Yes, you may manipulate because these "instructions" you are reading are supposed to draw women in, make them like you, keep you. You can call it "advice" but it can easily be manipulation and if a woman is smart, she looks right through it and runs. The ones who don't notice are the ones you don't want.
You should just PM me so we can have this conversation offline. You're misinterpreting it, I'm not explaining it right, or both.
I absolutely got pickier as I got older. I knew what was important, what I liked and what I disliked.
My market value didn't suffer at all when I started dating at 42. My "market value"
may have increased as I had a successful career and my own home.
The whole women lose market value as they get older is BS, it's what guys tell themselves so they will feel better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck
Give some examples.
I think it is normal to get pickier. My list of requirements is far longer than it was in my 20's. But it is because I have tried to deal with small things in all the previous relationships and I know what I hate and won't put up with now.
For instance, smoking. I turn into a major B, over the smell of a cigarette. My ex and I fought over it all the time. He was supposed to be an ex smoker when we started dating, but he was a current smoker, hiding it from me. But considering I am very sensitive to smells, I can't deal with it at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AhRainess
I'm pickier now because I'm more cautious from the things I learned from my mistakes. I know what didn't work and what may work now. I may of had more options when I was younger, but that doesn't make me less worthy now because I'm older (a.k.a. your definition, market value). It's not like I'm looking for someone who's way above my league. I'm not looking for men who want to have kids (fertility) or men who will take care of me (money). I don't want someone who's too good looking either (looks). I'm looking for someone who has similar values and goals in life. It's very slim right now. I'm sure it's slim for most of us 40+ year olds.
Especially your last sentence.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
Not only that, it's what some guys say to get women to lower their standards and be willing to date men they not otherwise date. I don't think I've ever heard women discuss single men in terms of their market value. Yes, you should be able to look at yourself objectively and be realistic about how attractive others will find you and recognize what things probably work against you. But even if you're at a severe disadvantage, that's no reason to compromise on the things that matter. To say that women get pickier with age is too broad. People become choosy about some things and more flexible about others. In my 20s, I was very picky when it came to looks and far too flexible when it came to things like personality or interests. Now I'm the opposite. If a woman shares my values, is fun to be with, and has the same goals, I don't care if she's overweight.
I said mens market value drops too unless he is loaded. Mikala you yourself admitted you've only dated/married men that make a lot of money.
Sorry anyone that doesn't understand that isn't living in reality.
You can be as picky as you want and have as long of a checklist as you want it doesn't mean you deserve anything or are anything special as you get older.
The smoking is a good example though but really, that's about the same as saying you wouldn't date a man that's been unemployed for years. It doesn't reach into the realms of unrealistic expectations.
If you're an ultra picky woman with a lot of baggage and unrealistic expectations then a man will just go after a younger woman that isn't so close minded and hasn't reached cat lady status.
My one friend is over 50, has a huge beer belly, doesn't have much spending money, is set in his ways, has no patience, is somewhat selfish... . He thinks he deserves a 35 year old hottie that will bow down to him or something.
Having said that you sort of get that gut feeling there's a lot more women like my friend, than men, other than the wanting someone that's 15 years younger.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Griffis
I feel I have actually grown more patient and accepting as I've gotten older. I had anger issues in my younger days. I never was hurtful or anything, unless some yahoo started a fight with me or something. But I was more judgmental and just angrier and crazier. I caused a lot of mayhem.
Now I feel more mellow, loving and open hearted. Open minded too, hopefully.
The only thing I can't really hack nowadays is needless drama. I refuse to get worked up emotionally about things that only bring negativity.
You hit the nail on the head for me open hearted and open minded, excellent way to put it.
As a guy I feel the same way after reading a lot of posts on here you just get that feeling that a lot of older women don't feel this way. There's always tons of long posts proclaiming "I'm ultra picky because of..." And that's why there's tons of older women on the OLD sites that have been on there for years.
Honestly people with a lot of baggage and people that aren't open minded annoy the crap out of me. All of my wants, needs, desires, compatibility issues and so on are always solved by sticking with younger women.
I wish I would read one thing on here, some day, some year that would make me possibly feel or think otherwise, but I never do.
Last edited by wanderlust76; 06-27-2017 at 10:11 AM..
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Now, at 55, I am dating someone my age (ya, those of you who follow me know my past older woman/younger man experience & yes, we're still friends) who I met out of town, during a show in Tampa listening to the best Dead cover band, ever (you can add SOF & CF to the mix as well). I've always preferred to meet people by accident; OLD feels "forced" to me with a "so called bigger pool" full of flotation devices. I've come to look at dating this way (and the rest of everything as well): either it works or it doesn't. And if it doesn't, move on & keep smiling because the sun is already shining in my backyard under a yellow sky with a blue sun.
