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My grandparents were married for 60 years, both dying in their 80's. They were the most wonderful couple I've ever known. My husband's grandparents were married 65 years, both dying in their 90's. My in-laws have been happily married for 45 years. I married my high school sweetheart at age 18, we've been very happily married for 24 years. We know hundreds of couples who have been lifelong companions and best friends. Plenty of people still do love and honor one another until death.
Don't reduce marriage to nothing more than "a matter of convenience" or "an outdated contractural agreement having it's foundations back when people only lived to age 40". You may find fault with marriage, but married people can find fault with your choices, as well.
The problem is when that intense emotional love changes into intense emotional hate.
People get married, claim to be in love, then cheat and lie.
People get married, act constantly controlling and suspicious until their partner can't deal anymore and wants to end it, then they freak out.
People get married without considering other major factors of compatibility and then when the starry-eyed mushy feels calm down after a while, realize they're tied legally to someone they really cannot live with.
So now you've got this BUSINESS CONTRACT with a person you got together with because of "love" but uh oh... Now there's a problem... And the contract is for life supposedly?
I seriously get why people are skeptical about it.
For me, while I'm happy to have found love, and it's a big deal in my life, I could go right on enjoying it just the way it is, no marriage contract needed whatsoever. Getting married doesn't guarantee forever, or guarantee that either of us owns the other or will/won't be faithful! It simply establishes a bunch of legal/logistical/financial ties! Like we could do a ceremonial marriage celebration and NOT make it legal.
So if we are gonna do the whole shebang, it WILL be because it makes logistical and financial sense, and that is that. If it doesn't...then seriously why WOULD anyone do it?
You can have kids together, live together, love together, do everything together without the marriage document. You just can't share things like insurance, certain financial matters, taxes, medical and end of life stuff, etc.
I guess I'm saying that I am not arguing against marriage, but I do think the way people look at it is often pretty silly. I think that the whole government contract piece and the romantic/"spiritual" piece (if you're religious or whatever) really should be separated.
Marriage is a business. Two people form a business partnership contract.
During most of my career I was deployed underwater. Our business accounts were all Joint accounts. When I was underwater my wife managed my businesses for me, and when I was on the surface I could do it.
Single men that I worked with, were utterly by themselves. When we were underwater for 7 months, their only method of gaining wealth was the paychecks they had coming in. Whereas I always knew that we had tenants paying rent and that my Net Worth was growing.
That's all good and well if everything stays perfect and life remains linear, but it's rarely ever that simple and most folks in a marriage likely wouldn't want to be just a business partner and not see their spouse for 7 months at a time. For a lot of folks, that would eventually wear out a relationship and there goes their net worth.
My grandparents were married for 60 years, both dying in their 80's. They were the most wonderful couple I've ever known. My husband's grandparents were married 65 years, both dying in their 90's. My in-laws have been happily married for 45 years. I married my high school sweetheart at age 18, we've been very happily married for 24 years. We know hundreds of couples who have been lifelong companions and best friends. Plenty of people still do love and honor one another until death.
Don't reduce marriage to nothing more than "a matter of convenience" or "an outdated contractural agreement having it's foundations back when people only lived to age 40". You may find fault with marriage, but married people can find fault with your choices, as well.
That is beautiful. I wish I knew more couples like that...my grandparents on both sides did make it "until death do you part" but by the end they hated each other. I think any of them would have divorced if they could fathom how to live life without the spouse they'd simply had around for so long.
OK, so the government document made them love each other so long? Or do you figure they could have done it if they hadn't had that?
My point is that two people make a loving relationship. Tax benefits and an inheritance package do not make a loving relationship. The sanction of God, since not every person who marries even believes in God, is a personal matter of choice. I think that two people could do a ceremony and not do the legal part, or do the legal part without the romantic part, or whatever. I'm trying to think outside the box.
At minimum I think people should take their time in making the decision, and have more on their mind than how hot they are for somebody emotionally or physically. Like, really know if it's a GOOD IDEA all around.
These discussions always center around the legal and financial pros and cons of marriage while completely ignoring the emotional, psychological, romantic and health aspects. Those things are harder to express, I suppose, but are the main reasons why people marry.
The wedding industry is still growing. The florists I know are doing really well and are not too concerned.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish
These discussions always center around the legal and financial pros and cons of marriage while completely ignoring the emotional, psychological, romantic and health aspects. Those things are harder to express, I suppose, but are the main reasons why people marry.
The wedding industry is still growing. The florists I know are doing really well and are not too concerned.
That is beautiful. I wish I knew more couples like that...my grandparents on both sides did make it "until death do you part" but by the end they hated each other. I think any of them would have divorced if they could fathom how to live life without the spouse they'd simply had around for so long.
OK, so the government document made them love each other so long? Or do you figure they could have done it if they hadn't had that?
My point is that two people make a loving relationship. Tax benefits and an inheritance package do not make a loving relationship. The sanction of God, since not every person who marries even believes in God, is a personal matter of choice. I think that two people could do a ceremony and not do the legal part, or do the legal part without the romantic part, or whatever. I'm trying to think outside the box.
At minimum I think people should take their time in making the decision, and have more on their mind than how hot they are for somebody emotionally or physically. Like, really know if it's a GOOD IDEA all around.
It takes a LOT of work. Mutual, deep, abiding respect. Being best friends. Honoring one another. My husband and I met as kids, we've grown up together! It's a super crazy, wild, fun, frustrating, difficult ride sometimes. But life is like that whether you're married or not.
In the past 2 years we have watched several widows bury their husbands. They all say the same thing:
Love them while you have them because when they are gone it is unbearable.
I see this sentiment often on here, not this exact one, but akin to it... like a person is such a good match, you work well together, why isn't that enough? You're too picky! People seem to completely negate the being in love with the other person, as if it is a bonus, or even a hindrance... it is the entire point! That is what makes it worthwhile. Sure, there is a business partnership to a marriage, but without being in love with them there is no point. I certainly don't need to do it for monetary reasons.
A spouse just isn't a business partner.
And there are no guarantees, but I haven't seen anyone I know that are both incredibly in love with each other get a divorce. I've seen divorces among people that got married young, and did so because it was the "next step" and they wanted to have a family (aka they didn't marry because they were madly in love).
Oh boy. Somebody buy a Facebook news ad. "People still in love don't get divorced."
There are many reasons to pursue legal marriage. If the reasons are not important to the couple... then yes. If not... then no. Fortunately, we live in a country that allows that choice (although not extended to everyone.. which in of itself is a travesty)
Looking back.... if I were more educated on the matter, I would have probably not gotten married.
A few male friends who are divorcing have said that there is no reason to marry in today's US culture and that boyfriend/girlfriend or "engaged" is as far as it really needs to go if kids are not a priority. Thoughts?
I don't know if marriage is needed these days. More and more couples aren't getting married. I think it just depends on the couple. For those that want and value marriage it's most certainly a reason for those.
I've heard many people say that they wouldn't get married again. The divorce stats are a bit high-ish and even more so for 2nd marriages.
I know in my family after divorce no one got married again and I've heard that sentiment expressed a lot through the years, just anecdotally speaking.
Overall I see marriage as a net positive for our society, doesn't mean those who don't get married that they are a negative on society, just sayin.
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