My boyfriend told me he feels smothered by me but I love our schedule, how do I fix this? (movies, kiss)
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I'm a chick, and I would go batchit crazy if a guy came over to my house every single day and slept over all weekend.
DO NOT MOVE IN.
Go find a hobby or something else to do, and stop going over there every day after work. And stop spending the entire weekend at his place. Make it whatever your date night is, then go home the next morning after breakfast.
This is strange. I like my alone time, too. I know how he feels, if I couldn't have it I would make it happen and leave. Which leads to the part about him spending an hour with you on week nights and then going into his room and closing the door. I think the first time somebody did that to me I would talk through the door saying : "okay- why don't you call me later if you have time. Bye." And not come back or talk to them until they had time for me.
You need to start being aware of the hints that he's dropping.
No, it's not. We hangout 1 hour each weeknight. After we eat and talk, he goes into his room and shuts the door the rest of the night. And he does that on Sunday's mostly too. It's not like I don't take any personal time for myself. I like being alone to a certain extent too.
He never told me to "get lost". We have a real relationship outside of what's written here where we care about each other a lot. He wants more space and I'm trying to figure out how to balance the relationship so everyone is happy. Maybe that's not possible with him. But I know if he didn't love me or didn't want to date me we wouldn't be together right now.
Going in his room and shutting the door for the entire rest of your visit, after chatting with you, could be seen as a loud-and-clear message. Why would you continue going over every weeknight, only to sit alone for hours? Why not just skip the weeknights, and see him on Saturdays? It sounds like he has a lot of work to do on weeknights, and on Sundays, too. He may feel that you're imposing on him.
hisbest friend lives with him, we all hangout. I hangout with his friend when he goes into his room and does his own thing. We watch shows together. He sees his parents at least 3 times a week. He eats dinner there after work. His Dad and him go to football games all the time. Tonight they're going to one and tomorrow all day as well. Sometimes they travel out of state for them. The "typical weekend" is only valid when absolutely nothing is going on for either of us, which is rare during football season. He also goes fishing every single Saturday of the summer with his Dad, so we do date day on Sundays.
Say what? Noooooooooo!
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech
In your first post you said you go over there from 7-10 every night after work.
You are basically forcing him to spend time alone in his room because you won't go away.
Then he resorts to "jokes" telling you to leave, and you still won't go away.
Since we met 2 years ago, we've always each had our own apartments. I used to live 45 minutes away, then we did long distance for a few months, then last February I moved 15 minutes away from him. Since then, I usually stop by for a few hours after work between 7-10 on weekdays (mon-thur). He gets out at 5. We typically talk for an hour about our days and then split and do something separate until I go home. Sometimes we hang on the couch and watch Netflix. It varies between the days on what happens specifically but not on purpose. On 1 weekend day I try and see a friend, usually Friday night for example. He usually sees a friend or sees a football game with his Dad. There are some weekends neither of us have outside plans, but we try. Typically on Friday, Saturday, and Sundays I sleep over his place. We usually have "date day" on either Saturday or Sunday depending on what's going on for us separately (hobbies, friend outings, etc.) Sometimes we have plans with other couples that we go to together. 1 weekend of every month I go home out of state (3 hrs away) and he usually doesn't come because I go to see my friends/family. That's pretty much the schedule.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC
Omg! AGREE!
Every. Day.
Just no.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
Friday nights usually not.
One day out of the weekend they do separate stuff
1 out of 4 weekends of the month she is completely gone.
That's not every day. And I would say most couples spend every weekend together even if that means, they run errands together.
Going in his room and shutting the door for the entire rest of your visit, after chatting with you, could be seen as a loud-and-clear message. Why would you continue going over every weeknight, only to sit alone for hours? Why not just skip the weeknights, and see him on Saturdays? It sounds like he has a lot of work to do on weeknights, and on Sundays, too. He may feel that you're imposing on him.
Okay, I feel like I'm really misrepresenting our situation. He sat me down and explained to me (months ago) that on the weekdays he likes when I come by and we have our chat etc but then he likes to hangout by himself. He closes the door but it's not like he ignores me. He's not doing it in a mean way and I can see how I wrote it, it looks bad. I was just trying to emphasize that after the first hour of together time, we do our own thing. I sit in the living area and study in quiet and sometimes he comes out for a minute or 2 to say hi or give me a kiss. He's not mean about it and he explained it's because he needs that time to wind down and I totally support that.
I guess I can just not do that anymore and go straight home after work but I like having him around. I didn't mean to write it that way, I just didn't want people thinking we spent 3-4 straight hours together every single weekday.
He has told you his honest feelings. Listen to them.
I would not go to his apartment anymore on weekends. He can come pick you up, take you out, and bring you back. Give him so much space, he asks you to come over more often. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
If, on the other hand, he does not ask to see you more often, you have your answer about where the relationship is headed.
When I am in love with a girl and we have been dating 2 years I want her around as much as possible. I would want some time doing my own thing but it was explained in the Op that she does give him time.
I just don't think he is as interested as you are. He might say he is to save your feelings but his actions don't back that up.
Yes OP, you’re not doing anything wrong. But I think you two don’t sound well matched in terms of expectations for the relationship or how you want to spend time. After two years I would expect you to be his favorite person, but he needs more alone time - if this is a new thing I think he isn’t as into you and doesn’t want a permanent relationship. If it isn’t a new thing, it sounds like you two don’t fit well in terms of personality types and hobbies.
I’d ask him straight up what a good schedule is, and what he is seeing for you two in a year or three. If he hedges, or asks for more alone time and an ongoing status quo, I think it’s time to split up and move on with your life. You can find someone a lot better suited to your needs and goals than him if that is the case.
FWIW OP, I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I just think that your idea of fun and togetherness is wayyy different than his idea of it.
In fact, from what you've posted on here thus far (him 'joking' with you that you should go home after sex and him telling you that he feels 'smothered' by your presence), I'm thinking that maybe his feelings for you could be changing...and not for the better. You guys have been dating for TWO YEARS. You both should still be in the 'honeymoon' stage of the relationship.
And remember when you said how you resent him because the way the current schedule is makes YOU happy? I'm thinking that maybe he has begun to resent you because of the way the current schedule is - meaning, he feels you're around too much...and he wants more alone time than you're willing to be happy with.
I think your plan of moving back home is solid. During these next 6 months, he will either MISS YOU and realize he DOES want MORE time with you, or....he will end up LIKING the fact that you're not around every week...and um, THAT will be the time that you'll need to reassess your relationship to see if he WANTS you in his life or not and to see if YOU want to stay in a relationship with a guy who really doesn't want to spend as much time with you as you want to spend with him.
Good luck!
That's a good point! I think people aren't understanding, this isn't like we're still getting to know each other and I'm scaring him off or something. We are very much together and in love, this is about compatibility in my opinion. This is what I want from any partner and if we can't compromise and be happy then we aren't meant to be.
Okay, I feel like I'm really misrepresenting our situation. He sat me down and explained to me (months ago) that on the weekdays he likes when I come by and we have our chat etc but then he likes to hangout by himself. He closes the door but it's not like he ignores me. He's not doing it in a mean way and I can see how I wrote it, it looks bad. I was just trying to emphasize that after the first hour of together time, we do our own thing. I sit in the living area and study in quiet and sometimes he comes out for a minute or 2 to say hi or give me a kiss. He's not mean about it and he explained it's because he needs that time to wind down and I totally support that.
I guess I can just not do that anymore and go straight home after work but I like having him around. I didn't mean to write it that way, I just didn't want people thinking we spent 3-4 straight hours together every single weekday.
Could you try maybe just going over 1-2 weeknights and spending the whole night together from after work till you need to leave to go to bed (cooking dinner, chatting, netflix, etc)? I value my alone time a lot, and I know I would prefer that to a little bit every night. Quality vs quantity
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