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I am not sure why it is so hard to keep the balance and stay focused.
While at work I am highly efficient and everybody respects me a lot, I have many good people friends and so on.. she and her friends talk about me like I am the devil or something. No gift is the right, no words are nice enough.. all that talking behind my back and lies.
My brain knows there is something odd, but when she switches to her "cute and kind" mode, she is suddenly the person I used to know from the beginning and I doubt my own judgement.
Just remember this. Inconsistent = deal breaker.
Yes, I get it. No one is perfectly consistent. But I think you know what I mean here. Like Ruth said, that Jekyll 'n Hyde personality is a huge red flag.
It occured some months ago. She told me that her male friend would be sleeping over with her at the weekend. She noticed I was not okay with it, but ignored me.
This guy has a huge crush on her and is **** talking about me behind my back everyday.
For ex. he'd say: "Your BF is such a loser, his job sucks and I'm much more athletic than him!"
Such kind of discussions take hours where they talk all that bad things in detail. It is hurtful.
It would be more easy for me if he was a really nice person who respects me as her BF, but he is not.
She told me she has only platonic interest in him.
On the other hand she would have NEVER allowed a female friend to sleep over at my place. She would feel hurt and insecure if I did so.
That weekend that other guy came to her appartment (I had to work and was not there) and I couldn't bear imagining that guy with her all night along.
I called her saying again that I was not okay with it, she should please send him home.
At that point I must admit, I could have said this in a more calmer, less agitated way and I should'nt have assumed that he wanted to make out with her. (Even if it was true, he wanted her and she was aware of that. He is not a trustworthy person at all.)
But she got angry, calling me names. We were having a fight on the phone.
Finally, she pretended understanding me and said she sent that guy home. Later I found out that it was a lie and he stayed with her.
I don't know if she has cheated on me, she might have not.
But she has lied, telling that lie throughout weeks looking into my eyes while I had always been completely honest with her.
I don't know what to think anymore, please help me to see this situation more clear.
What is your opinion? Did my clingy behaviour urged her to the habit of lying?
She is lying in many other situations similar as this one, too.
I don't want to be jealous or forbid her anything, but it is painful knowing she stayed with that guy and that he is more important to her than me. (she said so)
Tony
Whether you are clingy or not, she lied to you and is not worth your time. She basically told you where her heart is. All you can do is just break things off and do you. Don't be surprised if you find out there has been some...um "other stuff" going on.
I want to believe that she would become as honest as she promises to be, since this kind of lying behaviour is absolutely alien to me, but my guts are also telling there is something wrong with it in long term.
Therefore I wrote this post, to get a reflection outside of the things she tells me to believe, and I am very thankful for any kind of advise.
your insightful thoughts gave me actually some hope that it is not only me who is doing wrong all the time. I had to take the responsibility for her rage/name calling and so on many times, otherwise she would rage even more. After her massive outbursts, she even pretends nothing happend or she couldn't remember saying some particular things or the mess she left.
Even my health is decreasing rapidly in the last few months.
But my friends, co-workers and everyone thinks she is so cute and nice and warm. She would never say such horrible things to anyone (but that guy who has a crush on her) or even in public that is what makes it so hard to judge. It is like getting crazy through all those lies.
Break-up seems unavoidable, but everything is such a mess.
That's where you go wrong. I've learned this lesson the hard way myself. This all too familiar. Someone in my life would blow up at me for... say dropping a penny and then I'd have to apologize for not only dropping the penny (or equivalent), but making that person scream at me and call me every name in the book of insults. Then this person would take my car out and total it. I'd have a legit reason to blow up at this person, but somehow, it is my fault and I need to watch my temper.
She sounds like a narcissist.
And her (lets be real here) other boyfriend seems to be a little obsessed with you from what you are saying. He has her, you are out of the picture. Does he want you or something...
Think about this; If you are such a loser, why is he so focused on you? You must be doing something right.
Drop the girl and let them have each other. He's probably been closing his eyes and thinking about you while they were..."together".
Eventually, you'll be glad that she dropped you when she had. Take time to recover and build yourself into someone you can be happy about. Meet some new people, and if she tries to come back (believe me, she will) don't let her in. You tell her go jump off somewhere.
your insightful thoughts gave me actually some hope that it is not only me who is doing wrong all the time.
I had to take the responsibility for her rage/name calling and so on many times, otherwise she would rage even more. After her massive outbursts, she even pretends nothing happend or she couldn't remember saying some particular things or the mess she left.
Even my health is decreasing rapidly in the last few months.
But my friends, co-workers and everyone thinks she is so cute and nice and warm. She would never say such horrible things to anyone (but that guy who has a crush on her) or even in public that is what makes it so hard to judge. It is like getting crazy through all those lies.
Break-up seems unavoidable, but everything is such a mess.
Ruth is one of the most insightful posters on this board. You should listen to her.
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