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I haven't seen anywhere where anyone has stated that dating someone that your friend has had sex with is inherently bad. I mean sure, you may have inadvertently said it, but I rather not get into that...ahem!
I'd certainly say that this one implies that it's inherently bad
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
LOL. Any decent guy would turn his back on you. Too much banging other guys. Don't ever sleep with a guy who knows the guy you are really interested in. Especially not his best friend.
There are other posts along those lines.
Quote:
If OP is reading this, the maybe she should try reaching out to him and then seeing what happens. He has already made attempts to reach out to her. He just had the self respect to not pine over her and be open to others. Even if she did not have sex with his friend, he would've moved on if she ignored his attempts to reach out.
I agree with this.
Which is why I don't understand all the bashing of the OP.
The timing never worked out, and she, like many women, never initiated anything.
I'd certainly say that this one implies that it's inherently bad
There are other posts along those lines.
I agree with this.
Which is why I don't understand all the bashing of the OP.
The timing never worked out, and she, like many women, never initiated anything.
She didn't out right say it though. Similar to how you didn't outright say that she was dumb. Just that her post was dumb. Some people could mistake that as an implication from you that the person is dumb.
The OP blew off his attempts to get in touch with her. Basically, the ball's in her court. There's other things she has done that people are baffled by besides sleeping with his friend. From what she said, Justin maybe too hot for her to handle. She does seem to have self esteem issues and might have him on a pedestal.
That's what "imply" means, yes.
And, I'd say she more than implied it.
Quote:
Any decent guy would turn his back on you.
Why would a decent guy turn his back on someone unless that person were not decent?
How do we know this person is not decent, unless what they did was bad?
And this
Quote:
Don't ever sleep with a guy who knows the guy you are really interested in.
Don't ever do it, means it's bad - always.
So, sure she didn't say the word "inherently", but it's all there.
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Similar to how you didn't outright say that she was dumb. Just that her post was dumb. Some people could mistake that as an implication from you that the person is dumb.
Sure, people could make that mistake.
Now, dumb people are more likely to do dumb things than intelligent people.
But intelligent people also do dumb things.
That's why I say the post is dumb.
It might be a dumb post by a dumb person
It might be a dumb post by a smart person
In this instance, I don't have enough information to say one way or the other.
Nor is it important to say.
Quote:
The OP blew off his attempts to get in touch with her. Basically, the ball's in her court. There's other things she has done that people are baffled by besides sleeping with his friend. From what she said, Justin maybe too hot for her to handle. She does seem to have self esteem issues and might have him on a pedestal.
I don't disagree with any of that
I disagree that
1) she played him
2) she rejected him
3) that it's inherently bad to have a relationship with someone that a friend had sex with
First, stop making this about Justin. This is about you and what you want, not about what someone else may or may not think about you.
"But I want Justin!" Well, really what you want is to feel good. Or another way of putting it, you don't like that you feel bad. And you've decided that getting Justin back into your life will make you feel good/not bad. Thus you are laying all your personal power at Justin's feet. Ewww!
You seem like you perhaps have issues with knowing what you really want. This always results in a kind of manipulative dance with the world, with pushing away and pulling closer people depending on how you feel in the moment. If you feel lonely or jealous, you pull close. If you feel "in demand", you push away, feeling freer to be careless with others. And the dance is with others who do the same thing, or who want to be pushed and pulled for their own emotional reasons. To quote Moulin Rouge "It always ends bad!"
I would deeply recommend dropping this dramatic narrative for awhile and start focusing on finding stability in your own company and being, and thinking about what you really want in a partner, and then become the kind of person who is capable of attracting that wonderful partner. I don't know for sure, but I would hazard a guess that your perfect partner does not include someone who doesn't even talk to you anymore, or who you feel like you need to grovel and beg for forgiveness. It doesn't matter if you believe it's your fault or not. (It's both of you). Guilt or blame is only useful in the sense that it can tell you more about what person you want to be right now.
Now reread your whole original post.
Is THIS the woman you want to be? On shaky ground waiting for someone else to decide they want you or not, if you are worthy of forgiveness or not? Or someone different? Someone more assured, confident, mature, wise, emotionally available to herself? (Hint: People who are emotionally available to themselves never, ever make their happiness conditional with another's free will to behave however they want).
It's all your choice! That's what makes it so great.
Last edited by typical_guinea_pig; 01-05-2018 at 01:52 AM..
Reason: clarity
I disagree that
1) she played him
2) she rejected him
3) that it's inherently bad to have a relationship with someone that a friend had sex with
Quote:
Originally Posted by typical_guinea_pig
F
You seem like you perhaps have issues with knowing what you really want. This always results in a kind of manipulative dance with the world, with pushing away and pulling closer people depending on how you feel in the moment. If you feel lonely or jealous, you pull close. If you feel "in demand", you push away, feeling freer to be careless with others. And the dance is with others who do the same thing, or who want to be pushed and pulled for their own emotional reasons. To quote Moulin Rouge "It always ends bad!"
1) she played him - typical_guinea_pig has expressed it way better than I ever could.
2) she rejected him - "If you feel "in demand", you push away, feeling freer to be careless with others." Plus she said she rejected him.
3) No-one said it's bad to "have a relationship with someone that a friend had sex with". What was said is that it's a bad idea to have sex with a friend of someone you want to have a relationship with. That's because it would likely blow your chances.
Anyway, you told him you went out with his friend because he pursued your more. That said to him that he should do the same. And you ignored him when he did. derp.
1) she played him - typical_guinea_pig has expressed it way better than I ever could.
2) she rejected him - "If you feel "in demand", you push away, feeling freer to be careless with others." Plus she said she rejected him.
I disagree with TGP as well
Nothing there indicates that she was playing him
Quote:
3) No-one said it's bad to "have a relationship with someone that a friend had sex with". What was said is that it's a bad idea to have sex with a friend of someone you want to have a relationship with. That's because it would likely blow your chances.
I disagree with TGP as well
Nothing there indicates that she was playing him
Why would it blow your chances?
I never said that OP played anybody, at least not in the way it's being indicated here, like Justin was a victim of her. I don't even believe that there are such things as players or people who 'get played', by that I mean "unwilling" players. I believe everyone attracts what they are a match for emotionally. You may have a different perspective.
A careful reading of the OP original post will show that she and Justin have a habit of revealing to each other their supposed attraction ONLY when one or the other is already busy in a relationship, or getting ready to move, etc. Justin is doing the exact same dance as the OP. To me it's clear. But it's just my perspective based on a limited post, nothing more. Both she and Justin are much more than their drama, but OP has only invited me into this particular drama, and nothing else. I would never reduce her or Justin to the negative innotation of "player" or victim, despite my using game terminology.
It's a push and pull game, but ultimately, it's played with oneself, and not another. Neither of them really want the other...they just want to play the game. Right now Justin appears to the OP to have the upper hand, the ball in his in court, and OP doesn't like that, she wants to force a move, so the game can continue. Above all else, the game must not end!
Eventually all games run out, however, as soon as one stops playing. This is why I indicated to OP she should think about what kind of a person she wants to be NOW, and move towards that. Much more interesting and productive to create new, more authentic relationships, IMO, than the self-created drama that seems to be causing her emotional pain. I'm always a fan of someone stopping the torture of themselves.
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but I rather not get into that...ahem!
