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For me, the best way I've kept my foot out of my mouth, is not to be too emotionally invested in any one woman, until I know for sure we're both into each other. Most people put their foots in their mouth, because they're only talking to one person. I can always tell when I'm possibly about to put my foot in my mouth too. It always tends to happen when I'm a bit more invested than I should be for the amount of time we had been talking to each other. So something ends up happening that's really not a big deal, but I make it a big deal, because I'm more invested than I should be.
That's just my opinion from my experiences, because I've seen women do the same thing with me too. If I'm not reciprocating them in accordance to how they feel, then little things became big things rather quickly.
You got me man! That may not be exactly what I did but it was close enough. Now I'll never know how it would have worked out if I had just shut up.
I'm doing pretty well online dating and usually have a few different women to date, and/or talk with. My problem, the lady was one of those who wants to date only one or maybe two men and I decided to play into her plan. It seemed to be working... and then it didn't.
Some days it pays to just shut up and enjoy your date and keep it light. And in a relationship try to not exceed the speed of light. But don't let it go weeks without a date either. There's got to be dates or it isn't a dating relationship, it's "just friends."
There is nothing wrong with friends but most of us who are not in relationships are seeking relationships.
Sad to say, and I've been there too (recently), the words "good friend" are not good.
Looks like you made up your mind. I did the same thing. Now a few days later and a new first date yesterday, a new date tonight with another woman, and getting back to a previous woman I dated have made it much easier for me to move on. I find it pretty hard to think about anybody else when I'm out with a nice, pretty, entertaining woman. That sure puts Ms. "good friend" in perspective.
When your heart gets broken, new dates with new partners will fix that.
Just remember, women may very well be taking the same approach.
Keeping options open until you know you have found someone for whom the attraction is mutual is good strategy for both genders.
And that will occasionally result in some hurt feelings when things heat up with one of the spinning plates and the rest are dropped.
I had been on a date or two with a really nice guy when I met SO. It was only a couple weeks before SO and I took the leap to exclusivity. So the other really nice guy had to be let down. I did try to do it gently, because he hadn't really done anything wrong, SO was just a better match on the whole.
So sometimes if a woman "flakes", it really isn't about you at all. I wish more people would be straight up about what happened like I was (not the first time I have told someone that I was going to stop seeing them because things were heating up with someone else).
If I liked someone enough to go on multiple dates with them, but I'm not The One, but they think they found her, I will try to find it in my heart to be happy for them and wish them well.
I hope women are taking the same approach. I hope the best for the nice women I have been dating. In fact if she can find a better man then I'm happy for her that she found him even though it wasn't me. In fact I have a nice woman in mind who did exactly that, she and I still occasionally text each other about non-romance stuff.
You may find it hard to believe but I don't take it personally when a woman decides to stop dating me for whatever reason. I do feel great disappointment at times, and in fact I'm feeling it right now over one specific woman who I suspect is probably not dating right now at all. She has problems that I don't have, I know what some of her problems are, and I realize she decided to simplify her life by ceasing dating for a while. I was hurt but also think it's not impossible I may hear from her again some day.
And yes sometimes people 'flake.' That's not about me, that's about them. People change their minds all the time. That frees me to move ahead with one less person to concern myself with.
The basic infrastructure of OLD works. They provide an unlimited supply of matches as long as you pay the dues. It's up to you to move your matches into dates. I've become successful with that and I know that no matter how badly my heart is broken I can look forward to new dates and every one of them has the potential to be the person I seek.
One thing about OLD and dating in general, particularly at the rapid rate of OLD. You have to just learn to quickly heal your heart when it is broken and move on. I think it's pretty likely that OLD is going to break your heart a lot before you meet the person who will make you want to cancel OLD and go with them.
So right as I move on and start talking to other people, she comes out of the woodworks and texts me! I was polite, made small talk (but made it quick), and got to the point. I asked her if she would like to go on a second date. She told me she was busy this week. That's when I decided to ask her what it is that she wants from me and if she sees us being more than friends. Her response was, "I don't know, honestly I do like you. I really do. But so far I just don't know in what capacity."
LOL what does that even mean? Honestly I don't think she knows what she wants. It made me laugh because it's like you texted me!
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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That means she isn't sure if she wants to be friends, or more than friends. That's pretty clear. Its up to you to decide hanging out with her casually will work for you, or not.
That means she isn't sure if she wants to be friends, or more than friends. That's pretty clear. Its up to you to decide hanging out with her casually will work for you, or not.
Not a enigma really. She was pretty clear.
I don't think it's clear at all. She seems very wishy-washy. It's been a month; either **** or get off the pot.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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If it isn't clear then you probably have general communication issues. Her words were black and white. There isn't anything unclear about "I like you, but I'm not sure in what capacity (aka what I would like our relationship to be)". It can't be any more clear.
But if you aren't capable of chilling out and just hanging, do everyone a favor and just move on.
If it isn't clear then you probably have general communication issues. Her words were black and white. There isn't anything unclear about "I like you, but I'm not sure in what capacity (aka what I would like our relationship to be)". It can't be any more clear.
But if you aren't capable of chilling out and just hanging, do everyone a favor and just move on.
I'm perfectly capable of chilling and hanging out. How am I supposed to hang out if she's going to always say she's busy? Most people would assume they're being friend zoned. That's what it feels like to me.
If it isn't clear then you probably have general communication issues. Her words were black and white. There isn't anything unclear about "I like you, but I'm not sure in what capacity (aka what I would like our relationship to be)". It can't be any more clear.
But if you aren't capable of chilling out and just hanging, do everyone a favor and just move on.
And this is a situation to where you need to spin plates. Don't tell her that you're going on a date, but don't always be available. Maybe she will come around and maybe she won't, but one thing is for sure. You won't just be sitting on your hands waiting for her to respond. And other thing, why try to clarify everything that she does with you? If you're out dating other women, just go with the flow and let her be her and you be you. If you meet a woman you like, she'll fall to the wayside anyways. If you're out dating other women, but aren't meeting the type of woman who lights your fire, maybe this other woman will be around from time to time.
To me, it sounds like she is in the "playing game" phase of her life. She likes you in some capacity, but doesn't want to put all her chips in, because she wants to keep her options open. There's nothing wrong with that, but you need to keep your options open as well. Continuing to badger her about what you two are doing is not what she's looking for. She wants cat and mouse play. However, you're the mouse and she keeps bopping you in the head with her paw. You need to figure out how to evade her paw and I'm fairly certain you'll get better results. She wants you to play hard to get, which is easy to do if you're out doing your own thing!
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dizzy1988
I'm perfectly capable of chilling and hanging out. How am I supposed to hang out if she's going to always say she's busy? Most people would assume they're being friend zoned. That's what it feels like to me.
You ask, if she is busy, she is busy. Simple.
If she wants to hang and is sincere about it, she will ask too. Simple.
Go on with life in the meantime (always do this).
Not rocket science.
Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84
And this is a situation to where you need to spin plates. Don't tell her that you're going on a date, but don't always be available. Maybe she will come around and maybe she won't, but one thing is for sure. You won't just be sitting on your hands waiting for her to respond. And other thing, why try to clarify everything that she does with you? If you're out dating other women, just go with the flow and let her be her and you be you. If you meet a woman you like, she'll fall to the wayside anyways. If you're out dating other women, but aren't meeting the type of woman who lights your fire, maybe this other woman will be around from time to time.
To me, it sounds like she is in the "playing game" phase of her life. She likes you in some capacity, but doesn't want to put all her chips in, because she wants to keep her options open. There's nothing wrong with that, but you need to keep your options open as well. Continuing to badger her about what you two are doing is not what she's looking for. She wants cat and mouse play. However, you're the mouse and she keeps bopping you in the head with her paw. You need to figure out how to evade her paw and I'm fairly certain you'll get better results. She wants you to play hard to get, which is easy to do if you're out doing your own thing!
Yeah, I agree, but I guess I don't understand why someone needs to be told to "keep their options open". Unless you're in a committed monogamous relationship a person should always be moving forward and keeping options open. Always making connections. Always talking to people. Always living their lives. What else would you do? Get all hung up on a person you've met a few times, maybe had sex with a couple of times, and get all "where is this going? what are we doing here?". That's no fun. Chill out and have a good time.
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