Hubby out of town & hasn't answered his phone this evening... (how to, marriage)
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My husband is on the other side of the state for a seminar. This is the first time in our 4.5 year marriage that one of us went far enough away to require a plane, alone. I talked to him earlier today...all seemed well. He said he would call me later tonight, probably after dinner. I called him at 9pm (hadn't heard from him yet and assumed he would be getting ready for bed since he has to be at the seminar at 7:30 am). No answer on his cell. I left him a message. At 10pm I still hadn't heard from him. Called and left a second message that I am worried. Called the hotel room and the phone just rang and rang. I have mixed feelings about this. I am worried that he is hurt somewhere. I am worried that he isn't taking this seminar (which is to prepare him for a very difficult national medical board exam) seriously; we spent money on the airplane, the hotel room, and the seminar. All in all, over $1000.00~ money we don't really have. But my biggest concern is that he met some people from the seminar, is out with them, is getting drunk, will do something stupid (not cheat, but get flirty, or be hung over the next day, spend our hard earned money on alcohol, etc.). He's 33, I am 30, and I am so over the party scene. He isn't totally there yet, although has come a long way. If I were in this situation, I would be in bed by 9. I would have my cell phone with me so my husband could reach me.
Okay, he just called at 10:34pm. He went down to the bar/restaurant and had a "couple of drinks", pizza, watched baseball, and talked to a woman who is also part of the seminar. He said his phone was charging which is why he didn't have it. I feel insecure, annoyed, and immature. My husband is VERY GOOD LOOKING, in INCREDIBLE SHAPE (think Marc Whalberg's body in the boxer brief ads) and EXTREMELY CHARMING. Women, of all ages, adore him. I can tell he likes that, and I suppose most people would. He said the woman he was talking to is engaged. I probably shouldn't care about any of this, but I do. I trust my husband, however, I know he likes the attention he gets from women, and I believe he doesn't do anything to discourage this attention, and may even encourage a bit. Is this wrong? I don't like it, but on the other hand, I don't want to feel threatened by it. I want to be in a place within myself that is completely at ease and at peace and confident with me and who I am that I don't let his own issue of needing this type of validation to feed his ego become some kind of problem with me. Does that make sense?
Should I be upset? I made him a little welcome home sign, and I feel stupid about that now. Here I am at home, making him a cute little sign, and planning on baking him cookies so when he comes home he feels appreciated and sees that he was missed, but while I was doing that, he was having drinks with a stranger (a woman no less). Now I am just feeling sorry for myself. It doesn't help that I have gained some weight in the last few years, while he has lost weight and gotten into really great shape. I think I just needed to share this with people and get some feedback. I know this isn't a big deal, but it bothers me. The problem is, is that I don't know if this is my own issue that I need to work out myself, or if this is his issue. Sorry this is so long...
To me.. it is an issue you need to work out.. you can make this into a long drawn fight if that is what you want.. The question of the day is.. do you trust him enough to know that nothing happened? I mean you can look at it two ways.. He did something or he didnt.. Pursue it the way you want to pursue it.. Just know that there will be bad feelings on both of your parts even though he didnt do anything. I mean .. if you want to pursue it.. by all means pursue it.. but what will you accomplish with it? Do you think he did something?? If you feel he did something .. then pursue it.. just know it may end somewhere where you do not want it... It is totally up to you.. Now I know if it where me? I would be kind of upset that you could not trust me.. even though some lady was talking to me.. I talk to women all the time. It shouldnt matter wether they or I am married.. the bottom line is.. that he didnt do anything with her... Sure he should have been at the room.. but hey.. everyone has to let their wig down and chill out.. maybe he didnt want to be in the room by himself...
Yep. Sounds like this is more your issue than his. He could've/should've been more considerate by having his phone on him and/or calling you before he went down to the bar to let you know he wouldn't be around for a couple hours. But it doesn't sound to me like he did anything all that wrong. So he had a conversation with somebody. If that's a problem, yikes. And so he's as hot as the day is long and could charm the pants off a nun if he chose to ... you're just gonna have to trust that he loves you, and married you because he only wants to be with you. If he doesn't let you know this regularly, well then perhaps part of the problem is on his end.
Oh, and making a welcome home sign and baking cookies is just plain adorable. You shouldn't re-think that at all. It's sweet. If he doesn't appreciate that, throw rocks at him.
My husband and I are apart pretty frequently. He travels almost every month, he too is a physician and though he is never "on call" which I am happy about, he does speak at medical conferences and so he is across the country or in the next state over almost monthly.
At first it was hard for me, why didn't he answer the phone, he should be finished with his business dinner, etc etc. But I learned it was insecurity on my part and changed my thinking. You will have to do the same, learn to trust him regardless of if he is speaking to a woman who is the single twin of Jessica Alba or is the married mother of Martha Stewart. It all boils down to trust and he doesn't need to be in your sight of view to have your trust, he should be ok in another country without you doubting him. Also, maybe your husband will learn, like mine did, to answer his phone regardless, but in the end he won't need too.
One good way to create a problem where there needn't be any is to get all possessive and suspicious. I'd say you're the one who has the bigger problem here... you seem really insecure and clingy and seem to want to overlay what you would be doing in his situation onto him. Seems to me like he leveled with you... phone was charging, went for a few drinks, and spoke to some engaged hottie from the seminar. Good for him. Hopefully he's having a good time, right? I can't speak for all guys, but I can tell you there is little more repulsive to me than a gal who gets really clingy and possessive. And perhaps jealous. And jealousy will absolutely destroy a relationship from the inside out. If you cannot reign in these feelings one way or another, I'd say you're in for a rough ride ahead. I hope this works out for you, but I don't see that dh has done anything wrong here.
I don't like your situation and it isn't because of your husband but because of you. Stop being so clingy and paranoid. He might cheat on you if you drive him to but otherwise I don't think he would just because he is in a hotel room far away from you.
Wow! Thanks for all of the replies. After a night's sleep, and reading all of your repsonses, I think all of you are right. It is my problem I have to deal with. I don't think it would have been an issue for me if he had answered his phone, but because he didn't my mind started creating all types of crazy scenarios: he went outside to get some air, and someone stabbed him, he slipped and fell in the shower and is bleeding to death, he is in a drunken haze at an LA club and someone slipped him ectasy, etc. And, as someone else mentioned, I was placing my expectations of what I thought I would be doing if I were attending the seminar on him which isn't fair. I've went out of town a couple of times to hole up into a hotel to get some work done on my master's thesis (for some reason being sequestered in a hotel room by myself reallly works!). Anyway, I guess I did expect him to behave the way I do when I am out of town and working: always have my phone with me in case he needs to reach me, trips out of the room are minimal--get some fresh air, eat, take a walk, and then back to work. But, it is a different situation, and we are different people. I think because we were much farther away from each other than ever before, and he wasn't answering his phone at a time he said he would be in bed, I just had a little, probably ridiculous, fit of worry, insecurity and frustration. I want to make it clear though that I do trust him to never cheat on me, and I am not typically clingy, although I did feel that way last night, which perhaps why I started the tread--I didn't know how to handle that because it hasn't been a feeling I have had before.
By the way, I didn't make it a big deal on the phone with him last night, I just let him know that I was worried and that he should have his phone on him next time. I won't say anything about it when he gets home...I am over it, and will just try to figure out why it bothered me in the first place, and how I can overcome that defect within me.
Thanks again for your responses! I know people on here have REAL relationship problems, so I do appreciate you taking time to help me analyze a very trivial and probably silly little nothing.
...Yet another reason to say 'thank gawd' Im not married to someone who travels. Oops, for that matter, Im not married at all, lol.
Actually once you get used to it, being married to someone who travels on occasion is great. I get to actually miss my husband sometimes, which means I take him for granted less. Granted he only travels a couple days a month, but thats all it takes for a bit of extra spark
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