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I wanted to let everybody know I've have listened to the advice and my partner and I have a great solution! And it was quite straightforward actually!
I instead of us splitting rent 50/50, he's going to pay the amount he paid when he lived at his first place before we met, which was less than half of our current rent. I'm going to pay the balance of the rent. And that extra money he would have spent on rent he is going to invest every month. I could hear the sigh of relief in his voice and that made me so happy!
Well, if he's relieved and you're "so happy" – the work is done here.
My partner of 3 years has a low paying job. He doesn't want to change it because he likes what he does, but he is self employed and probably will never make more than 35k.
I earn twice that with my job and am starting to resent that I have to pay for things like our furniture or our vacations. We split our rent 50/50.
If he truly likes his career and his level of income; then you have no control over that.
Your resentment is the only thing that you have any control over.
Quote:
... Is it safe to assume he's probably going to get a lot of money after they pass, which he'll then be able to start paying for things that I've always paid for?
Stop!
No, you have no idea if he will ever receive any inheritance.
His parents might not die for another 40 years.
His parents might give all their assets to a charity.
Again you have no control over this.
If you build your plans on this, you will end up with huge resentments, when something else happens.
You have champagne tastes and a champagne budget, congratulations.
You have partnered with a person who has beer tastes and a beer budget.
Either you will see that this is a mis-match, or you may adapt yourself. Those are your choices.
My partner of 3 years has a low paying job. He doesn't want to change it because he likes what he does, but he is self employed and probably will never make more than 35k.
I earn twice that with my job and am starting to resent that I have to pay for things like our furniture or our vacations. We split our rent 50/50.
Now, his parents have over 1 million in assets (we saw their savings because they are the guarantor on our apartment). They said they didn't fully list everything because 1 million was more than enough to list. The dad's a doctor, and is working past retirement because he likes his job, and the mom doesn't work. They live very frugally, not a lot of vacations, and no fancy cars.
Is it safe to assume he's probably going to get a lot of money after they pass, which he'll then be able to start paying for things that I've always paid for?
I feel like if I knew for sure he was going to inherit a million dollars, I would not feel so resentful and angry that I work more than he does so we can afford to go on vacation.
He's not going to change and the family money may not be there when they pass (which is acting like a vulture IMHO. The ball is in your court as to what you want to do with that.
I didn't know what his parents did or their financial status until we decided to move in together so clearly I wasn't after him for his parents' money.
I have no problem paying for furniture and vacations. I feel some resentment yes. However we have fun and that is what is important.
But I do feel like what I spend on him I could have put towards my own retirement savings (we are not married so I still feel financially responsible for myself). Plus, unlike him who has a large potential inheritance, I'm definitely not getting anything.
If you are not putting anything into your retirement savings that is your own fault. If you are at all financially responsible you would start doing that IMMEDIATELY. Then worry about what to do with what is leftover later.
Counting on an inheritance is a really bad idea.
I spent the last 4 years living at the federal poverty level and I still put money into my state pension plan. Every stick of furniture I own was purchased used or taken off the curb and the only vacations I get are camping or maybe a splurge on AirBnB.
do yourself a favor; walk away from this relationship. It seems to me that HE is content to stay in his job, and you're not content with his lot. Values, similar attitude regarding life, money, children (if you decide to have any with him) is more important than any amount of money you, he or both of you will earn.
resentment often kills relationships, if you hadn't figured that out yet. I met my husband almost 15 years ago, he was earning little bit more than me and after 10 years of working in a field I supported myself prior meeting him, I was only 10K behind him in salary when I stopped working to raise our boys.
This is to say money, income, lifestyle change all the time the longer you're together, build assets together, etc. His parents is comfortably off, but we fully expect to see their assets go to themselves in care, assisted living type of home, etc. My parents are wealthy and I don't expect to see their money at all cuz my father is 83, supporting his 20 year younger wife, still robustly healthy as he ages, travels all the time. My mother has a lot of assets but she is seriously sick with chronic heart failure condition, and I expect to see all of her remaining money and assets to her self care, 24 hour nurse care, assistance living home cuz I'm 3 thousand miles away raising my own young kids. Bottom line, never expect other people's wealth to go to yourself or the son you're living with cuz all kind of things can go wrong and more importantly, it sin't even yours to stake a claim on!
My partner of 3 years has a low paying job. He doesn't want to change it because he likes what he does, but he is self employed and probably will never make more than 35k.
I earn twice that with my job and am starting to resent that I have to pay for things like our furniture or our vacations. We split our rent 50/50.
Now, his parents have over 1 million in assets (we saw their savings because they are the guarantor on our apartment). They said they didn't fully list everything because 1 million was more than enough to list. The dad's a doctor, and is working past retirement because he likes his job, and the mom doesn't work. They live very frugally, not a lot of vacations, and no fancy cars.
Is it safe to assume he's probably going to get a lot of money after they pass, which he'll then be able to start paying for things that I've always paid for?
I feel like if I knew for sure he was going to inherit a million dollars, I would not feel so resentful and angry that I work more than he does so we can afford to go on vacation.
I honestly feel that because of your financial differences you should move on. There is a good chance he may inherit a lot of money but it is never a good idea for that to be the basis on what you build a secure relationship; it is like building a house on sand--it is likely to crumble. There is no guarantee that his parents did not decide to leave a significant portion of their wealth to a charitable organization or something like that. They may even decide to be a-holes and not leave their children anything, you just never know (and they may live to be like over a 120 since there's no guarantee when someone's going to die).
It sounds like you do not have a solid ground on which to build this relationship, unfortunately. And this is coming from someone who makes over 5X more than my husband and I pay for a lot of things in our household (so no judging in that way here).
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Originally Posted by mommy2be1053
resentment often kills relationships, if you hadn't figured that out yet.
That is why it would be in your best interest for you to leave this relationship. For the reasons I stated above, there is no guarantee he will get a significant amount of money when his parents die, and that is basically what you're basing your relationship on. You guys need better matches for each other because unfortunately, financial values are HUGE factors in relationships and if the couple isn't on the same page it often makes for a VERY difficult relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Levels77
I have no problem paying for furniture and vacations. I feel some resentment yes. However we have fun and that is what is important.
Your resentment will be magnified exponentially when/if you eventually get married and need to start to work at the relationship. That is as certain as death and taxes. (and if you plan to just walk away when the going gets tough and theres not as much fun anymore, just realize that will be that many more years which you will not have saved as much for retirement).There is also no guarantee that your relationship will not work, but know that the odds are staked very heavily against you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Levels77
All relationships have an element of unbalance and compromise and your reply suggests I should find the relationship where all aspects are equal = "find a man on my level".
Understood. Just know that financial disparities play enormous roles in the breakdown of relationships. And resentment always gets worse. If you're not in it for the long haul, those little annoyances you see now will become huge later on in your relationship. Like I said before, it can work; there's definitely no guarantee that you guys won't be happily together in the future. But you're going to be fighting an uphill battle based on the financial situation which you stated in your first post. You should realize this and take this into a lot of consideration before you move forward in the relationship.
Last edited by Basiliximab; 07-16-2018 at 04:35 AM..
I think 35K isn't low paying, I'd call it a mid-tier salary. At least it's enough to live on if you live as a single man in an apartment complex. Not sure how the OP doesn't think otherwise. Hell, there are a lot of government jobs that pay that, even teacher's salaries are around that mark.
It also depends on the company, I've known some companies to pay the same job title THAT amount of money, but another company pay the same job type the OP's amount.
So her boyfriend really can't be faulted for "lack of ambition". He's happy, and she needs to be happy FOR him.
That said, don't listen to these people encouraging you to bail. People find so many stupid reasons to walk out of a relationship. It's pathetic and if the OP does do this, it just show's that she's not relationship material...at least marriage-wise. She can throw the whole "for better or for worst" part out the window, thing is...there's nothing "worst" about this guy's income.
Very creepy of you to be thinking of his inheritance while complaining about his earnings. He should dump you on that basis alone.
It's not like when you started dating he was swimming in millions. You knew he was earning 35K and chose to move in with him. Why are you whining? Break up and move on.
Even creepier is the fact that they are not married, yet his inheritance is somehow her business.
Even creepier is the fact that they are not married, yet his inheritance is somehow her business.
I got the idea that she was basically interested in the inheritance in order to replace what she wouldn't be saving toward her own retirement by spending on/for him
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