Women, what is it about a man that makes you feel safe?

[Sonic_Spork]

Originally Posted by DontH8Me

For me to feel safe with a man, I have to feel overwhelmingly that I can trust him not to exploit my vulnerability.

Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801

I learned to feel UNsafe whenever my ex came home. I never knew what state of mind he would be in, and I'd been punched in the head, whipped with a car antenna, and had various items thrown at me during the course of our marriage.

I couldn't figure out how to get rid of him. If I said I wanted him to go to rehab or to leave, he would get very nasty and threaten to take our daughter and disappear. For a long time, I thought that my only way out would be his death, which is dangerous, because it's a very short step from wishing someone would die to beginning to think how you might make it happen.

It's not a very safe feeling living that way, and it actually generates some PTSD after years of living on the edge of not knowing when someone might attack you.

Now I am with someone who is completely different, but I suspect a part of me will always be on watch. I do not expect someone else to make me feel safe.

I found myself nodding at both of these.

My ex feels pretty hurt because I've told him that he made me feel unsafe. His idea of "making a woman feel safe" is being a big scary dude who can and will fight anybody and give his life if necessary for her safety. A guard dog. Protection from external threats. And "I'd never lay a hand on you." OK, so my ex didn't smack me around. But he held me at gunpoint for some hours at the end. And he put our family at financial risk with irresponsible job hopping, and he was not always reliable in a number of ways. Sure he was good in an emergency, but too often, the emergency was only happening because he caused it to happen. Oh and he also was all too willing to let sketchy people into our house, thus further compromising our overall safety in various ways.

So who will protect me from YOU?

I keep myself safe when on my own, mostly through being situationally aware, being very good at de-escalation, being someone that people like and creating social networks that help have my back in various ways (though I usually don't need it.) I have never needed someone to come to my rescue with violence, ever. I do my best to keep myself out of those situations. Much to my ex's dismay. And I monitor and carefully maintain boundaries to keep questionable people at a safe distance from my life.

But I knew I was not emotionally safe with the ex within the first few years. When I saw how spiteful he could be, how he would casually humiliate me in front of other people by saying carelessly cruel things, when he wanted to isolate me from other people and demand to be the only other person who was meaningful in my life. When even our kids were threatening to his demands of me. When he heard a story about how some jilted man used revenge porn to get back at a woman and he thought it was hilarious. No way would I trust this man with emotional vulnerability. I feel safer talking about my sexual kinks with complete strangers than with him.

And if you cannot be vulnerable with someone, true intimacy is lost.

The man I have now, I don't expect him to be my provider, only to hold his own and not endanger our shared life situation, and I trust him to do that. I don't need him to be a physical protector or to get violent on my behalf. I don't need anyone to kill or die for me. I need to trust that I can share myself completely with him and he will never weaponize my vulnerabilities against me or do me harm. I need to trust that he will make wise choices and not create crisis. I have that with him. That, to me, is what "feeling safe" with a man means.

If I needed physical protection from violent threats, I'd get a concealed carry permit or a trained attack dog or something, I don't need that from a partner. I don't even like it when I'm out on a date, strolling the city in the evening, and he's acting all hypervigilant...it makes me nervous. It's one reason that I'm not very compatible with veterans, too many that I've met seem to see danger lurking everywhere.

[Sassybluesy]

I think, for me and my husband, the first time I had the sense of 'safe' was when I told him my deepest darkest secret, and he accepted it, and didn't judge me for it, or ever hold it over me.


Other things he does, that makes me feel safe and secure; He thinks about, and makes plans for our future. Even after 16 years of marriage, that he does this...it makes me feel secure. He's a man with a plan.


In regards to physical safety...there have been a couple of situations where a random stranger (male) would be encroaching on my personal body space. I'M the type that I'll just move over, and scrunch myself up smaller...but if my husband sees it happening, he'll say something to the guy.

[tamajane]

Want a good test if a guy has your back - tell him you are going to stand up to his mother (assuming MIL is a pain and you are right). Better yet, tell him he should stand up to his mother.

[Mightyqueen801]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

I found myself nodding at both of these.

<snipped>

And if you cannot be vulnerable with someone, true intimacy is lost.

<snipped>

Profound. Learned it late, but thankful I learned it at all.