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His mom will just support whatever he wants at all times. He entered professional school years ago, could’ve easily finished it straight away and be making 6 figures right now (think dentistry, it’s like that)... but decided his “true love” was building companies around science/tech device startup ideas. He will half develop an idea, try to get it sold, be unable, then say a company is willing to “partner w me to develop it” (well yeah, bc there’s no actual product there yet). I’ve asked him, rather than take MORE years off this professional school for a job you say isn’t your dream, why not get a job as a product developer for a company? No, he says, because he has to be his own boss. He always has 10 projects going at once but never sees any to completion bc he says he can get a company to buy them very “early stage.” Well, in 2.5 years that hasn’t happened once
I Went straight through school and make $300k a year
OP, being his own boss, and presenting ideas to work on with others, is a very good way to have your ideas stolen. You're giving them away, under circumstances like that.
Like I said before..he's a lazy man and you deserve so much better!! You are his sugar momma and you don't want that!! Get the damn divorce and move away. Trust me...this will not end well for YOU if you stay with this lazy human.
He does “work” a lot. By that I mostly mean loosely develop devices, then send emails and make phone calls trying to get them sold. And he has almost made it thru professional school, not that that wasn’t with taking several years off because he “wasn’t happy.” But actually our previous #1 argument topic was him insisting on working, for example, all weekend save for like 5-9pm which was scheduled for me. Annoyed me bc I felt like he didn’t even “have to” but he described it as a compulsion to work. So that’s when I became more independent, made my own friends etc and now he seems to think we can just “go back” to when I constantly asked to spend tome w him
He does “work” a lot. By that I mostly mean loosely develop devices, then send emails and make phone calls trying to get them sold. And he has almost made it thru professional school, not that that wasn’t with taking several years off because he “wasn’t happy.” But actually our previous #1 argument topic was him insisting on working, for example, all weekend save for like 5-9pm which was scheduled for me. Annoyed me bc I felt like he didn’t even “have to” but he described it as a compulsion to work. So that’s when I became more independent, made my own friends etc and now he seems to think we can just “go back” to when I constantly asked to spend tome w him
Ultimately this is your life. With his track record, I'd bet people like your parents and closest friends warned you not to marry him. But even now, you seem to really want to be with him, so why you are complaining about his life choices? What sort of solution are you looking for?
You post is titled unsure sure how to "save things" with husband. Well that is your problem. You can't save things if you don't accept him for who he is, a dream chaser. You are the one who has to change because he showed you who he was from the get go. Do not expect him to be a different person now.
Fair. Yikes, I really don’t know what to do. Would be nice to arrive at a point where spending time w him didn’t aggravate me, I felt attracted to him bc I respected him, etc. oh man.
We’ve Been married a year & a half. He’s a self proclaimed workaholic on a lot of side projects & entrepreneurial stuff, still in professional school but is doing as a “backup plan”. I moved for him once, & it took a while to get settled but I’m finally with an awesome hard to find gig, cushy with great pay (I am definitely the breadwinner). Well, for the next step in his professional path he’s been fixated on going to a place that’s in one of the most expensive areas in entire country. For many practical reasons (he makes no $ himself, I’d work twice as hard for the same amount of $ i make now at a job I’d certainly enjoy much less, he can accomplish the same things somewhere else), I’m not on board w going but told him many times I would never keep him from his dream, & he can go and we’ll be long distance. He refuses and says I’m saying I’d end the relationship (not my intent). But he used to be so totally work focused that I became independent and kind of distanced myself in return so as not to be disappointed...Many times when we try to do something fun he brings this issue up... I really never want to settle in the area he does (way too far from all my family and friends, and again, my knowledge of the job market for me)... I feel kind of bored, in intimate life, regular life, etc with him- like no spark, he tries to force it... but when I allude to all this he says how it’s not an option for him not to be with me and he’d be completely devastated, whereas I just want space. What do I do???
He needs to be clearer about making money, whether that be through him or yourself. He needs to understand you make more $ so will not be moving as YOU ARE their financial future at the moment so YOU would not be the one to uproot for him. He sounds slightly bi-polar and may never make much $$.
Somehow, someway, get into some financial program. I believe they have some Dave Ramsey classes at various churches too. Have him read Mr. Money Mustache website. Just to get his brain in the right financial frame of mind. I don't understand your suggestion for a long distance marriage, that is no marriage at all when a spouse tells the other to "follow their dreams". You are his other half, that measn where he goes and vice versa...I have no comment to the rest. Hang in there, marriage can be very hard.
I just couldn’t say anything of the sort, he is such a “nice guy” and he would be devastated and I don’t have the heart. That is why I feel so trapped
He's not that nice if he wants to aimlessly uproot you, the only tree with any roots here.
I listen to Sermons at night, and it really helps me. Might want to try that. And maybe trading going to each others church, then keep praying as he may switch. your relationship will change, I've been married 30 years. We've been where you are.
You’re being naive. Any continued contact with the guy is bad for you. Just saying you won’t have sex with him doesn’t make it ok to use him as an outlet for the loneliness that is partly your own fault.
She isn't doing anything wrong. Let's not pretend she is being bad. She can have friends and needs friends. And at times, she may be attracted to others, including work friends. It's life. No need to try to plant a seed, water it, by focusing on it. Let it be what it is.
Ann Landers, the late advice columnist, used to ask the question, "Are you better off with him or without him?" I know what I'd say (and I was married to a guy who had all kinds of great business ideas that were going to make us RICH but mostly ended up costing a lot of money and gave him an excuse not to look for a real job) but it's up to you.
Realize that if you decide to break it off, you might end up paying alimony. I avoided that but two other women in my profession (actuaries) that I know of ended up paying alimony to Exes. It's a risk you run as breadwinner, no matter what sex you are. It would be good to talk to a lawyer beforehand. You should also look into negotiating a settlement; my divorce was 20+ years ago in NJ so YMMV but we sat down with our attorneys and drafted an agreement which we then presented to the judge and it was accepted. The judge even thanked us for saving the resources of the court by coming to an agreement ourselves. Neither of us got everything we wanted but the important things were in writing.
Fair. Yikes, I really don’t know what to do. Would be nice to arrive at a point where spending time w him didn’t aggravate me, I felt attracted to him bc I respected him, etc. oh man.
You have already been given advice on what to do. Why are you saying you don't know what to do? You do know, you just don't want to face the music and do it. Like I said its ultimately your life but I'll repeat again what you have already been told what to do.
You have to protect your finances. Meet with a lawyer and learn the divorce laws of your state. If you have a joint account, close it and get separate accounts. Otherwise he will be entitled to 50% of everything deposited into that account. Have him sign a waiver giving up his right to your 401K. Otherwise he will be entitled to 50% of it.
Talk to him and tell him his actions during your pregnancy have caused you to think about things differently since you now will be fully responsible for the life of a child and cannot depend on him. Tell him you need to protect your finances, hence the changes.
Go see a therapist. You need to understand why spending time with him now aggravates you. He really has done nothing wrong from what I'm reading you say. He is the same person now as he was when you first met, and you were ok with it back then. You are expecting him to be a different person than the one you married.
I just want space and to feel fun and independent again. Not always trying to make it work with no spark. I certainly don’t want to be immoral but I can’t help feeling trapped and depressed
then end it....
but take one week before you do to re-evaluate the whole picture..
lots of women say they get bored …..when they are getting sparks and attention from other men
we love to cherry pick in life----- if you want to end it then tell him to his face....don't blame him...or set the stage that hes the biggest loser in life..... you haven't been married that long.....and if you saw change in him....did you react at the time...or appeased??
you need a face to face honest discussion..
this is where we were...where we are..and where we are going..
the whole sparks thing..... can be b.s you can buy a brand new spark plug for an engine but if the engine is broke....it doesn't matter.. how many sparks are there..
we are complicated creatures in layers ...you clear up issues and roots of problems then the clouds may clear....to let the light in
and sometimes the grass may look greener on the other side...but its grown in manure ..
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