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He is not even pretending that he will be a good dad. Is he a good husband? Has he changed since you met?
He may be a nice guy but there is more to a marriage than that.
Take the blinders off. He hasn't had a job since you met. $20K stipend that he blew on his projects. Constant talk about moving. Constantly working on his projects.
I think he’s nice and a good guy overall, but... Now he is back on City X, saying how I’m taking his “one and only dream” away from him if he can’t do that training program. Problem is, I literally can’t have a job in my specific field for which I trained a long time & love in that city or anywhere nearby, at least not w the current job market. So how about MY dream, and the fact that I don’t want to replace my job with one w much longer hours and the stress of a new place when I also have to be the primary caregiver for our infant? Why does he still insist I’m the one breaking the family up by not following him?!! I always tell him he’s free to do what he wants & go to city X if he really insists...
He has no true rebuttal. He is in denial and says things like, “Well, did you talk directly to the CEO about there being no jobs for you?”, knowing darn well my sources in city X (who actively work there) are reputable. Or he minimizes the sacrifice, saying “It’s just this one thing you have to do, for my one dream. Then we will live there forever and you don’t have to move again.” I point out again that he’s mentioned all the top people in his field say City Y (closer to us) is every bit as good for training program as City X. He again ignores me and says, well, he wants to go to city X and I should follow and I’m terrible for making him give up his dream. Literally ignores any factual statement I make, such as how City X is far more expensive and with me also working twice as much = paying twice as much for child care, my salary (the only meaningful one) won’t go anywhere at all. “Well, money isn’t the most important thing. Who cares if we can’t buy a property? We can rent, like, a small closet.”
I would feel completely differently about this if the city closer to us had inferior training. But I can’t take what will certainly be a career downgrade (and increase in hours at the exact same time!) for me when there’s no downgrade for him with stayng here other than his irrational fixation.
Forget "dreams"--either his or yours--and think of the practicalities. I know that you already have them in mind from things that I've gleaned from your previous posts, but he certainly does not and, let's be honest here, never will. You are:
1. The only breadwinner for both the immediate and foreseeable future.
2. The carrier of insurance that you and the baby will definitely need. (Screw him and his needs at this point, to be honest.) This one in many ways is far more important than the high salary that you earn. Good, let alone stellar, benefits and a great schedule are difficult to come by. What if you have a complication during your pregnancy that requires special care? Bed rest? Pre-eclampsia? Post-partum complications or depression? A difficult delivery? A caesarean section? A child who might have to spend time in the NICU or just have to return to the hospital to treat jaundice? You must take all of this in to consideration as he most certainly does not.
3. The one who is going to require both maternity leave and a schedule that is able to be flexed as needed since this idiot has already preemptively abdicated his responsibilities, i.e., he wants you to hire a nanny ***on your dime, no less*** since he is aware that he cannot and will not be bothered to get up in the night to care for his own child. His words. The only thing that he's likely to contribute to this child he already has in terms of providing one half of its DNA--free of charge.
This husband of yours- he's not a nice man no matter how much you want to believe that to be true. He's a boy who wants someone else to pay his way through life as he chases rainbows. Want loyalty? Get a dog once the baby's old enough to have a pet in the home. At least the dog will earn his keep in terms of providing some semblance of security. He'll cost you less in terms of heartache and finances, to boot.
It's easy for him to have a blasé attitude about monetary matters when someone else is paying his way through life. Even if the city closer to you had inferior training, it still would be quite unwise to leave your current employer. That baby is going to need you far more than your husband will--especially in the first year. A new employer is unlikely to give you the time off or flexible time than an employer with whom you have an already proven reputation and track record.
I think what also boggles my mind a bit is why, if his family is so very well-off, are they not footing the bills for either his schooling or his entrepreneurial ventures? Something doesn't quite add up other than perhaps they cut him off/palmed him off onto some unsuspecting woman (you) in order to not longer have to put up with his nonsense. This sort of thing occurs more often than one would think.
You seem to be gaining nothing from this relationship, besides your child, of course. You're not attracted, you resent him (don't blame you on that), you don't respect him. You don't even seem to like him much. He treats you like an option when you should be a priority--especially since you're his wife and the mother of his unborn child. The latter part is not likely to get any better with time. You know that; I can just about guarantee that your marital counselor knows that although he or she cannot say it to either of you.
It might be best for you to contact a lawyer as soon as possible once you've finally gotten up the courage to permanently separate from this man. Be advised that he might try to gain custody and support of your child as a means of continued funding for his extended adolescence. Also, if he's a beneficiary of any policies that you might hold, get his name off of them. Be sure that you will not be on the hook for his student loan debts, either. Often debts accrued during the marriage become your problem, too.
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 01-25-2019 at 08:07 PM..
I think he’s nice and a good guy overall, but... Now he is back on City X, saying how I’m taking his “one and only dream” away from him if he can’t do that training program. Problem is, I literally can’t have a job in my specific field for which I trained a long time & love in that city or anywhere nearby, at least not w the current job market. So how about MY dream, and the fact that I don’t want to replace my job with one w much longer hours and the stress of a new place when I also have to be the primary caregiver for our infant? Why does he still insist I’m the one breaking the family up by not following him?!! I always tell him he’s free to do what he wants & go to city X if he really insists...
Trust me when I tell you this - he is mad and behaving like a spoiled brat because he found his meal ticket (you) and he can just go do what he wants and you'd tag along.
All of a sudden, you found your voice. Listen to your gut, stay where you are - he can be the one to travel twice a year to see YOU if he has to.
I was used in a few relationships - I suppose I thought they were nice, however, they used me.
YOU are not breaking up the family - you are staying where YOU have a good job - if he doesn't get that, the brain is not connecting to reality.
Being in a marriage is a partnership. This is not; never will be.
BTW, there are also people who love learning, going to school forever, always another degree, etc.
If you met him in real life you'd honestly think he seemed so kind...
Well of course he does. That's how he hooks you into believing his BS and supporting him.
Actions speak louder than words. Look at what he has actually done in the time you have known him, and how you have allowed him to do it.
You walked right into this. And now there's a baby.
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