People using your past against you (dating, Christian, wife, long-term)
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I always say I’m not gonna date again but I always find myself getting lonely and deciding that I really miss having someone
I am scared though. I have put myself out there time and time again only to be hurt in some way. I have been abused and taking advantage of. It scares me that it will happen again.
But the worst part is that I worry if my past will be used against me. I’m not perfect. I have done things I am not proud of and have had bad times. I am not from a perfect family, but one full of drugs and people in prison. I know they say only God can judge us and your past doesnt make your future but the truth is that other people do judge us...
I’m scared if I date someone and tell them the truth about myself and what I’ve been through that they will judge me and eventually throw it back in my face when they get mad at me. It always happens like that. I don’t spill my guts on the first date but I do eventually tell people bc I feel
Like it’s a huge part of who I am as a oerson. I don’t want to lie to someone. I want them to know the real me.
I’d love to find a guy of faith to be with but they never give me much of a chance because of my past. It’s just frustrating. I don’t know how to start dating again with this issue. I just want a chance.
Right now I am talking to someone who is Mormon. He seems like a great guy but he’s looking for someone to get serious with and I just worry about bringing up my life.
People can be very unfair and I think you'd really want to know if you were dating a person like that - it's no way to live to have to be careful to not show aspects of the "real you". I really don't know that it's possible to have any kind of healthy relationship with that hanging over you.
So to find out if someone is accepting of you, you pretty much have to start revealing yourself. That's how a relationship develops and deepens - with BOTH people sharing more and more of the increasingly important things about themselves. You don't necessarily want to spring everything on them at once, nor do you want to wait months, only to find out they can't accept something central about yourself. You wouldn't want to wait that long to find out that, for example they don't want kids, right? So it works both ways.
You have a pretty good idea that this Mormon guy will have certain expectations but you can't be for sure until you start to tell him things about your life. Just don't withhold too much for too long - it'll get increasingly difficult to be honest if you are thinking about what you have to lose after getting over-attached. Who knows, maybe he views himself realistically as a sinner (as is everyone!) so is more open than you're guessing! Good luck, Belle!
Good to hear from you again Belle. First, anyone that throws up your past mistakes in your face or won't date you because of it, is not a person of faith in my book. Remember Jesus and Mary Magdalene? They are fake religious. And people of faith understand the concept of forgiveness.
You don't tell someone your life history on your first date or even in the first few months of dating. Even after 37 years there are stories from our childhoods that my husband and I will share for the first time. Granted the stories are pretty inconsequential, but it happens. If a date asks about your family simply say you're not in contact with them. If they ask why, just jokingly say something like, "Oh long story. Maybe another time." Eventually you can tell them.
As far as Mr. Mormon, my understanding is that is Mormons have the lowest rate of interfaith marriages in the country. It's not unheard of that he would date outside his faith, but it's not the norm. You should understand that. Take it slow.
I always say I’m not gonna date again but I always find myself getting lonely and deciding that I really miss having someone
I am scared though. I have put myself out there time and time again only to be hurt in some way. I have been abused and taking advantage of. It scares me that it will happen again.
But the worst part is that I worry if my past will be used against me. I’m not perfect. I have done things I am not proud of and have had bad times. I am not from a perfect family, but one full of drugs and people in prison. I know they say only God can judge us and your past doesnt make your future but the truth is that other people do judge us...
I’m scared if I date someone and tell them the truth about myself and what I’ve been through that they will judge me and eventually throw it back in my face when they get mad at me. It always happens like that. I don’t spill my guts on the first date but I do eventually tell people bc I feel
Like it’s a huge part of who I am as a oerson. I don’t want to lie to someone. I want them to know the real me.
I’d love to find a guy of faith to be with but they never give me much of a chance because of my past. It’s just frustrating. I don’t know how to start dating again with this issue. I just want a chance.
Good to hear from you again Belle. First, anyone that throws up your past mistakes in your face or won't date you because of it, is not a person of faith in my book. Remember Jesus and Mary Magdalene? They are fake religious. And people of faith understand the concept of forgiveness.
Jesus wasn't dating Mary Magdalene.
One of the few things Dr. Phil got right was that the greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior. belle woods, if it's your past that is the problem (and not just your family's), the best thing you can try to do is take it slow and show this guy over time-possibly a long time-that you have changed for the better.
I was a gleeful participant in the sexual revolution in the 1970s. I lost count of the number of men I was with. No drugs (except I "inhaled" on occasion), never got pregnant, no trouble with the law. I am now almost 66 and a practicing Christian with two marriages behind me, one ending in divorce and one when my second husband died. Except for one lapse when the first marriage was going down in flames, I was a good and faithful wife during 2 13-year marriages. Who would have thought it given my track record, right? So much for Dr. Phil's "Predictor".
Your post moved me because when I look back I see that many of my relationship choices were men who weren't good enough because I thought *I* wasn't good enough, Why would any decent man want used merchandise? So, I'd latch onto guys with no ambition who would let me pick up the check, and one guy who was sleeping with me one night and his HS sweetheart the next, but punched his fist through a wall when I told him I'd been with another guy. I was so blind I didn't see the hypocrisy.
Value what you are now. Even the bad stuff is part of what got you here. Do NOT let a man put you down because of it. If he torments you with it or wants all the gory details, leave. My first husband would occasionally remind me of my past, but then he knew it was a sore point and liked pushing people's buttons. My second husband was a dear man who loved me as I was and trusted me- with very good reason. We were together a total of 20 years and I was never even tempted by another man.
Set your standards high. Find someone who treats you well. If your current BF can't deal with the truth, move on. It's his loss.
You should probably leave out specifics about sexual acts or the nature of your most recent relationship and only tell people that you dated someone for a certain amount of time. Same with your family. Tell him that your family had serious problems and that you left so you could better yourself.
I’d be honest and tell him early that your past has been difficult and you want a healthy relationship in the future.
Right now I am talking to someone who is Mormon. He seems like a great guy but he’s looking for someone to get serious with and I just worry about bringing up my life.
If he can't accept you as you are now, what makes you think he'll accept you for who you were one, five, or ten years from now?
That doesn't mean you need to have an information dump on the third date. But if things get serious, you need to simply say, "Okay. I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes. Here's what they were."
If he has a problem with that, then you never really had the basis for a long-term relationship in the first place. Trust is the foundation for all relationships after all. The truth always comes out, and hiding your past means you'll be building a relationship on shaky ground.
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