long distance dilemma ? (date, boyfriend, married, love)
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Hi one and all.
l have a dilemma and l'd love to hear any thoughts or suggestions.
There's a few things, not only the distance.
l was divorced 5yrs ago , later on l met somebody very special but due to some very big obstacles and a few other things , we couldn't work it out.
Recently l met someone new , but it has been a little confusing .
First of all , l feel truly blessed , well in most ways, to have met her after everything else. At this age 50s, divorce then the first and now her because over time , 7mths, l've seen just how special she is and we are as a couple.
Butttttt, again there's some big issues. Maybe l'm not as blessed as l think right.
She lived 12 hours away so the only way we can spend any time together is with her coming down to mine and she's basically been living here mostly , with a few 2 and 3wk trips back home thrown in.
We've mostly got a long incredibly and lice so well together it's hard to fathom after everything else.
The problem is though , well a few actually , l don't wnna rush into anything serious, and l do wish we could just see each other a bit like you normally could with somebody local.
So although things have been just brilliant between us and with her here, l do still need some space and time so when she goes home it's always also nice too , to just clear my head get back to doing my thing for a few weeks and think about things in between.
Thing is , because of all the time down here , she's lost her job and is almost out of money.
Well she could just move down here , that's always been our plan if things worked out. Then she could find work here and get back on track, but that'd take awhile and there's moving costs too and she doesn;'t have that money left now either.
l'm not loaded , but we could swing it , but l'd also have to look after us too until she gets on her feet. Who knows how long that'd take and we'd have to also recover from the costs of her move down.
Problem is , l'm not ready for all that . l was happy the way it was and l don't wanna be backed into a corner just yet. You know, after everything l've been through , if we could just see each other for 18mths or something , 12 or whatever, first , then l could really know where l'm at but still not be too entwined if things didn;t work out.
But she's in a bind now and if she doesn't do something fast , a few weeks, she'll be out of money can't pay her rent up there and blah blah.
So really she's gotta either get new work there and stay up there and forget about us because we can't go on like this and she'd never get another job up there that allows her months off to come down, or move down to my place.
l dunno wth to do. We're so lucky to have found what we have after everything else and at this age, but l'm not ready to take her on full time especially financially , l don't know her and us well enough yet.
God knows if there even is a solution but if you have any thoughts l'd really appreciate hearing them.
If she is lackadaisical about things and never even talks about getting a job, then you know you have a problem on your hands. She may fully intend to just become dependent on you once she finally moves there. But it sounds like you'd like her to move there, get her own place and have a job so you two can date in the same town.
She needs to get a job and support herself. That's NOT your responsibility. Truly, if she was absent from her place of employment to the point that she was let go, why would you consider her a good candidate for a relationship? Sure, if you want to take on the role of provider, then that's great, but it does not sound like you do. She's an adult and needs to provide for herself. I'm concerned that she is trying to inch her way toward you becoming financially responsible for her. Is that okay with you?
I would think long and hard before I let her move in with you as it might be very difficult to get her out if things don't work between you two. Protect yourself and tread lightly.
Yeah.
We've talked plenty. She's a damn hard worker too even when she's here she helps in my business , done heaps to the house, gardens.
But l'd still rather she was independent. l just think it's healthy both doing your own thing and would def' help the finances if it was two of us. l mean if we were married or for some reason later on she couldn't get work or worked in my business instead or whatever sure l wouldn't mind supporting her but now is too early for that.
She's fine with it all herself but she has spent a lot herself coming and going too and now she's in this sitch.
Her job up there nah she had some leave in store and took some other time off as well agreed with the boss but thing's meanwhile also slowed down more for them and they put a few others off too, it might've happened anyway, we're not sure. One reason they didn't mind her taking time off earlier they didn't have as much work on anyway.l should've explained the whole picture on that one.
l've got my daughter here and a business, a better place than hers too so we decided it's better she came down it's where we'd live later anyway if we did.
l have gone up there a few times too but with my sitch l can't keep doing it.
Be pretty pointless her getting her own here and doubles expenses. The idea was she'd move down anyway if we went on, even work in my business if we wanted or she gets a new job but well there's all that stuff but l also l just need more time on this.
... and a better place than hers for us here too so we decided it's better she came down. Also this is where we'd live anyway if we did later.
So ... you've basically agreed, for all intents and purposes, that her coming there makes more sense and is more doable, but now that push comes to shove, you're having second thoughts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hawk101
Damn rock and a hard place.
Is it, though? What is it you're really afraid of?
And you say you've talked about everything, but have you actually said to her, "I'd feel better about moving into the future with you if you were more independent here."
She makes poor decisions. No responsible adult gets fired because her boyfriend takes precedence over showing up for work.
Do not let her move in with you. She's not going to be able to support herself. You'll have a leech.
actually sounds like my dreamgirl.
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