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She used to have an issue a few months back where she expected me to always be the one to mow the lawn, take out the trash, landscaping, etc. I told her we are supposed to be a team, and said that if she can't handle doing housework, that she should've just gotten a condo.
What is her work schedule like? Is she making a lot more than you? If housework is so much for both of you, would you be able to afford a house maid?
She is not defending you she is finding accusation whether it s true or not these things bother her and changing on your part may no fix any thing .
Years down the line the resentment with in for all your sacrifice will fester . I have seen it many times . She is not going to change except be even more demanding down the line . Take a good long look at her mother and that's her, in most cases .
If you have flaws, and you see them for what they are, and choose to change ,that is a different thing ,but being hen pecked is not any way to live.
What is her work schedule like? Is she making a lot more than you? If housework is so much for both of you, would you be able to afford a house maid?
Yeah she makes a lot more than me. She is a speech pathologist and works at an elementary school. Her hours are 8 - 4, and she has a much shorter commute than me. She's 20 minutes away from her job at best. I am lucky if I get home in 45 minutes. I work in IT and just got a new job that pays MUCH better than my previous IT job, but I was a late bloomer in terms of going to school and knowing what I wanted to do, whereas she knew exactly what she wanted to do before graduating high school.
I am sure we can afford a maid, but we don't really need one. She just gets lazy and has a tendency to let it all pile up, but I intervene before it gets out of hand. She grew up having a house maid, so I think that's where some of that laziness comes in. Yet when she actually rolls up her sleeves and cleans, the woman does a phenomenal job. So she knows how and does it well, she just needs to be reminded. I also help her as much as I can around the house.
She definitely has some issues she needs to work on. And she has gotten better about opening up and talking about those issues. But I told her we both have issues of our own that existed before we met each other. We need to both keep working on ourselves and for the relationship. Of course if we have exhausted all options, then the next step is to go our separate ways. I also think she has a tough time hearing the word no, because she is so used to getting what she wants.
Not to say she was/is spoiled, but all her life, she has been rewarded for her achievements. She got good grades in high school, so she was allowed to go out with friends, parents helped her with a car, etc. Same with college. After college, she got her career, and her parents were so proud of her accomplishments that they helped her with the down payment for her house. Most of her furniture she bought herself, but they also helped her buy a lot of it and other necessities for the house. So she has always had someone there to help or reward her.
She used to have an issue a few months back where she expected me to always be the one to mow the lawn, take out the trash, landscaping, etc. I told her we are supposed to be a team, and said that if she can't handle doing housework, that she should've just gotten a condo.
Here's the thing, I can't tell (because we only see your side of this story) if...
She has expectations that are reasonable but you are resenting it whenever she asks for anything and saying, "Well what about me? I also have issues, so yours don't get to be special. Don't you ask me for things, you're just spoiled. You want me to do stuff for you? Well why should I?" or whatever. I mean, if she is willing to give, but also wants to receive, and you are pointing at her (reasonable) requests and getting salty that anyone would want anything from you... She could have a right to feel the way she does?
...OR...
She truly is a spoiled princess, demands way too much, gives way too little, and starts drama at the drop of a hat.
If she is being giving to you, then you getting annoyed when she wants something in return, makes you the petty one.
But often people's assessments of this kind of score-keeping are pretty lopsided (due to their own bias.) And sadly, the fact that it is happening at all... Fair or not, I feel like her needs aren't getting met and you're trying to establish that her needs are unreasonable for her to have... Just that whole thing, it's a serious sign of a relationship on the rocks.
Here's the thing, I can't tell (because we only see your side of this story) if...
She has expectations that are reasonable but you are resenting it whenever she asks for anything and saying, "Well what about me? I also have issues, so yours don't get to be special. Don't you ask me for things, you're just spoiled. You want me to do stuff for you? Well why should I?" or whatever. I mean, if she is willing to give, but also wants to receive, and you are pointing at her (reasonable) requests and getting salty that anyone would want anything from you... She could have a right to feel the way she does?
...OR...
She truly is a spoiled princess, demands way too much, gives way too little, and starts drama at the drop of a hat.
If she is being giving to you, then you getting annoyed when she wants something in return, makes you the petty one.
But often people's assessments of this kind of score-keeping are pretty lopsided (due to their own bias.) And sadly, the fact that it is happening at all... Fair or not, I feel like her needs aren't getting met and you're trying to establish that her needs are unreasonable for her to have... Just that whole thing, it's a serious sign of a relationship on the rocks.
I'm not perfect, I know there are moments when I need to step it up and do better. I feel like a lot these issues got worse from me working out in NYC for those 3 months. And I do love her and I don't want to lose her.
I went through something similar. We have since broken up, though still talking. However, she lives 3 hours away. We did the back and forth for over a year and it was exhausting. She said I didn't kiss her enough. When I look back, its because she frustrated me so much with things she did, that the attraction faded on my part. There's a specific argument I can think about where the switch flipped off for me and I never got my strong feelings back for her. She was pushing for marriage and I was pushing for working on our issues before marriage. She didn't want to work on it, just wanted me to. Therefore, we are done. Not exactly your situation, but same result, nonetheless.
I went through something similar. We have since broken up, though still talking. However, she lives 3 hours away. We did the back and forth for over a year and it was exhausting. She said I didn't kiss her enough. When I look back, its because she frustrated me so much with things she did, that the attraction faded on my part. There's a specific argument I can think about where the switch flipped off for me and I never got my strong feelings back for her. She was pushing for marriage and I was pushing for working on our issues before marriage. She didn't want to work on it, just wanted me to. Therefore, we are done. Not exactly your situation, but same result, nonetheless.
I do feel like I can relate a lot to this. I think for me, her selfishness and her attitude turned me off. To make it worse, living in Manhattan for most of the week from Dec - Feb sped that process up, because I was away from her. Yes we talked on the phone everyday, but I wasn't physically there. Yet the dumb arguments she started turned me off more and more. Finally one day after being home for the weekend, I sat her down to find out what was causing this. She told me the issue was that she kept looking at what her friends had, and used their relationships to compare them to ours. And she was upset and not thrilled about my job contracting me out there, so she said she felt like being upset and causing arguments was a way to get my attention and so I'd fight for her. I told her that was a stupid thing to assume, and that it's only going to push me away.
She is not defending you she is finding accusation whether it s true or not these things bother her and changing on your part may no fix any thing .
Years down the line the resentment with in for all your sacrifice will fester . I have seen it many times . She is not going to change except be even more demanding down the line . Take a good long look at her mother and that's her, in most cases .
If you have flaws, and you see them for what they are, and choose to change ,that is a different thing ,but being hen pecked is not any way to live.
Yeah I see what you mean, and it isn't healthy at all. Her mother, while having an issue with always needing to run the show, is an absolute sweetheart. Her dad also keeps her in check whenever she gets a little bossy, and her mother is at the stage in her life where she can recognize it and call herself out, and apologize. Still though, she is nothing like her mom. She can also be a little mean to her at times.
I do feel like I can relate a lot to this. I think for me, her selfishness and her attitude turned me off. To make it worse, living in Manhattan for most of the week from Dec - Feb sped that process up, because I was away from her. Yes we talked on the phone everyday, but I wasn't physically there. Yet the dumb arguments she started turned me off more and more. Finally one day after being home for the weekend, I sat her down to find out what was causing this. She told me the issue was that she kept looking at what her friends had, and used their relationships to compare them to ours. And she was upset and not thrilled about my job contracting me out there, so she said she felt like being upset and causing arguments was a way to get my attention and so I'd fight for her. I told her that was a stupid thing to assume, and that it's only going to push me away.
Oh my gosh, very similar! I'm not a pda guy, and she kept telling me "all these people" notice I'm not affectionate with her. By the way, that wasn't really true, I just didn't kiss her in public. I don't know what she was expecting. The big argument we had was due to her going through a health issue and the way she dealt with it was to drink too much and pop klonopin. I lost respect for her then and it all changed. That was last April and I tried to get the feelings back through early this year, when I sort of gave up. Also, I'm into quality time and she was ignoring me for months by always being on her phone/Ipad. She broke it off, but I had been done for a while, so I didn't fight for her. Thats why she still talks to me. Its because she can't understand why I didn't fight to get her back. Why would I want a wife (yes, I was considering getting engaged) who handles stress that way and doesn't listen to me when I have an issue with her. It was all about what I was/wasn't doing, and nothing about the role she played. I'm not that desperate to marry someone who isn't willing to look at herself and grow and compromise.
I do feel like I can relate a lot to this. I think for me, her selfishness and her attitude turned me off. To make it worse, living in Manhattan for most of the week from Dec - Feb sped that process up, because I was away from her. Yes we talked on the phone everyday, but I wasn't physically there. Yet the dumb arguments she started turned me off more and more. Finally one day after being home for the weekend, I sat her down to find out what was causing this. She told me the issue was that she kept looking at what her friends had, and used their relationships to compare them to ours. And she was upset and not thrilled about my job contracting me out there, so she said she felt like being upset and causing arguments was a way to get my attention and so I'd fight for her. I told her that was a stupid thing to assume, and that it's only going to push me away.
Comparing oneself to others is a good way to make yourself miserable. My boyfriend told me that once, and while it's a hard pill to swallow, it is true. And acting out negatively to get attention is a bad sign for sure. I mean, recognizing that you don't feel good about something like a partner being far away...it is valid to feel that way...but just because we have a feeling, doesn't mean we can act badly and then just excuse it. That is a maturity thing. And being expected to engage in conflict to prove your love, fighting your way to someone's side time after time when they've shoved you away...that's exhausting.
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