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This is exactly why I'm not a fan of marriage in it's traditional form. Most people want their spouse to make them happy, that's impossible if you ask me. When you decide to join your life with someone in a sacred ceremony (legal or not) you share yourself in a blessed unity with another. You don't take their life from them, nor do you give yours to them. You are still seperate in form but joined in unity.
I cannot give someone my happiness, nor can I take another's happiness. How could I possibly complain about my spouse unless I thought they weren't giving me a part of themselves. Happiness comes from within it does not come from another. If someone is complaining, they are implying that they are not complete with their own self, they seek what is unavailable to them. Rather than respecting and loving their partner, they start to whine and complain about them. They don't feel complete in their own Essence, so they could not possibly honor their partner's completeness. It's egoic love, not real love.
Thank god there are still women that think like this out there
How could I possibly complain about my spouse unless I thought they weren't giving me a part of themselves. Happiness comes from within it does not come from another. If someone is complaining, they are implying that they are not complete with their own self, they seek what is unavailable to them. Rather than respecting and loving their partner, they start to whine and complain about them. They don't feel complete in their own Essence, so they could not possibly honor their partner's completeness. It's egoic love, not real love.
I'd say most of the majority of marriages I've seen are based on egoic love. That may work for some, but that doesn't work for me.
So the question "why are all the good guys taken?" makes no sense to me whatsoever. Taken in egoic love? No thank you, True love is my desire.
I do agree that happiness comes from within and no-one else can make anyone other than themselves happy. I am confused by some of the other things you say though.
Are you in a long term relationship? Or do you move on if things become difficult?
I guess I don't understand that not liking all of a partners behavior would make you an egoist or mean that you don't accept your partner in their completeness.
I love my husband very, very much and think he's great. That doesn't mean that I will never complain about him! Perhaps that makes my marriage 'egoist', and if so, then I am very happy with my egoist marriage.
Perhaps I have misunderstood your meaning - it all sounds very idealistic to me, but not terribly real. Am I missing something?
You may be right about that, but in the end, even if you are, that just goes to show the differences between good men and bad men. Any man with half a brain knows that a woman is going to look way different at 70 than she did at 25. If he's going after her purely due to her stunning young appearance, and he isn't interested in everything else, he's not a good man.
I do agree that happiness comes from within and no-one else can make anyone other than themselves happy. I am confused by some of the other things you say though.
Are you in a long term relationship? Or do you move on if things become difficult?
I guess I don't understand that not liking all of a partners behavior would make you an egoist or mean that you don't accept your partner in their completeness.
I love my husband very, very much and think he's great. That doesn't mean that I will never complain about him! Perhaps that makes my marriage 'egoist', and if so, then I am very happy with my egoist marriage.
Perhaps I have misunderstood your meaning - it all sounds very idealistic to me, but not terribly real. Am I missing something?
First of all you don't need to convice me that you love your husband. I'm sure you love him in some form or you would have never married him.
What doesn't make sense to me in your above post is that you say you are happy in your marriage, yet you admit to complaining about your spouse. My challenge to you would be to refrain from complaining or speaking negatively about him for 30 days. Then after those 30 days have past see how much happier you are in your relationship. My guess would be that you will feel more love for him and therefore receive more love from him. Making your relationship stronger, more loving and much more passionate. Sound good? Feelings are contagious. If you show more love, you will receive more love, its' plain and simple.
Marriage tends to make people lazy, they forget to renew their commitment to the other on a daily basis. What if you knew that today was the last day you were to see your spouse (in earthly form)? Would you complain about him? Of course you wouldn't.
I am getting divorced, mine was an abusive relationship so the illusion of love was there, yet when I took the blinders off I looked around to see co-dependency, rather than love. I started to love myself and take care of myself and the relationship dissolved. My (ex) husband is the father of my children, and my love for him is deep, but my love for myself is deeper.
Now I get to take this time to walk my journey independently along with God. I view it as a sacred time, I get to explore my own dreams and decide what it is that I really want to do. I never had the freedom to be who I wanted to be while I was in that relationship. Now I'm blossoming into the beautiful woman that God created me to be. I do not plan to marry again in the traditional sense. A sacred union of souls should not be dealt with like a contract or business deal.
Last edited by moonsavvy; 04-21-2008 at 04:32 PM..
If he's going after her purely due to her stunning young appearance, and he isn't interested in everything else, he's not a good man.
True statement!! And here in Scottsdale, we have no shortage of younger guys without kids chasing hot 40 something single moms. Are those good men? Some of those women think they have a keeper. They are about to find out in a few years that they do not.
There have been several threads on this forum skating around this topic, but now that it's finally a thread of it's own I think the truth has basically come out. I think fat freddy nailed it too when he said the good guys are taken because someone had the sense to take them.
True story: last summer I met a girl who was working at my gym. She said she was 29 but was obviously more like 35. She was cute and really fun to talk to. Since I work out at 2am there is nobody there, so we started talking every night. She started telling me about all her failed relationships in the past, how guys had used her etc. I listened and talked to her, because I like when women feel comfortable around me and open up. We talked about every topic under the sun, and since she didn't have to man the counter that early we would sprawl on the waiting-area couches and just talk for three or four hours. Eventually she wanted to know if I was looking for someone, and I said yeah but I was waiting for the right girl. She smiled and said I was really nice and understanding, and that she wished she would have met me when she was 21 and I would have proposed to her. I said yeah we get along really well, it probably would have worked out. Then I laughed and said, 'but you probably wouldn't have noticed me when you were 21,' and she laughed and said that was true, she probably wouldn't have even noticed me a year ago, but she had finally had enough. We sat there for a while and then she asked if I wanted to get coffee after she got off her shift. I smiled and said I couldn't because I had to be at my parents house to help them move something, which was a lie. I told her maybe another time. She said ok, and then we hugged and I had to leave. Next week when I went back to the gym I found out she had quit, and was moving somewhere else. Don't know what she's doing now, but she had expressed an interest in moving back to New York.
Looking back on this, I could have probably had a cup of coffee with her, and gone on more dates after that. We got along very easily, and she wasn't too bad looking. We might have eventually been married and we'd probably be happy. But I simply couldn't get over the fact that she didn't have any self-respect, to let total losers use her and treat her poorly for that many years. I also had the dark realization that I didn't have to settle for a thirty-something product of a hard life. Even as I get older and 'mature' a bit more, it won't change a thing. There is no catharsis. Even in ten years I will still have my choice of who to marry, and as I get into my thirties there will still be an overabundance of single thirty-something women. There is no reason to jump the gun. I don't have a biological clock to worry about. When I find a woman that is right for me, I'll marry her. Why would I have regrets about the women I passed up?
If this post seems blunt, it's because I'd rather be honest than try to come off like a saint. Women hold absolutely all the cards when it comes to sex. They even own the gambling establishment itself. But when it comes to marriage, men have the upper hand, and I'm not about to squander that advantage. Well, I've opened myself up for it... Flame on, I guess
If this post seems blunt, it's because I'd rather be honest than try to come off like a saint. Women hold absolutely all the cards when it comes to sex. They even own the gambling establishment itself. But when it comes to marriage, men have the upper hand, and I'm not about to squander that advantage. Well, I've opened myself up for it... Flame on, I guess
First of all you don't need to convice me that you love your husband. I'm sure you love him in some form or you would have never married him.
What doesn't make sense to me in your above post is that you say you are happy in your marriage, yet you admit to complaining about your spouse. My challenge to you would be to refrain from complaining or speaking negatively about him for 30 days. Then after those 30 days have past see how much happier you are in your relationship. My guess would be that you will feel more love for him and therefore receive more love from him. Making your relationship stronger, more loving and much more passionate. Sound good? Feelings are contagious. If you show more love, you will receive more love, its' plain and simple.
Marriage tends to make people lazy, they forget to renew their commitment to the other on a daily basis. What if you knew that today was the last day you were to see your spouse (in earthly form)? Would you complain about him? Of course you wouldn't.
I am getting divorced, mine was an abusive relationship so the illusion of love was there, yet when I took the blinders off I looked around to see co-dependency, rather than love. I started to love myself and take care of myself and the relationship dissolved. My (ex) husband is the father of my children, and my love for him is deep, but my love for myself is deeper.
Now I get to take this time to walk my journey independently along with God. I view it as a sacred time, I get to explore my own dreams and decide what it is that I really want to do. I never had the freedom to be who I wanted to be while I was in that relationship. Now I'm blossoming into the beautiful woman that God created me to be. I do not plan to marry again in the traditional sense. A sacred union of souls should not be dealt with like a contract or business deal.
Moonsavy; I don't complain about my DH a lot. I might complain about him a lot a week out of every few months if we're working through a particular issue, but on the whole there is no need to complain. I would say I complain about him to others VERY rarely. He's one of the good ones! : )
We disagree on some thingas, but we both enjoy a good debate - I don't see that as complaining; more as fun discussion!
I grew up with a very expressive Mother, so maybe I inherited that from her. I regualrly call my husband during the day to tell him that I was thinking good things about him and that I thought he ought to know. My Mother always said that if you feel loving thoughts towards your partner, always tell them - don't keep it to yourself. Hopefully we will still be good at that 10 years down the line.
Sorry to hear about your divorce. I can understand your current dissillusion with marriage. But you do not know what the future brings - if you feel better off without a wedding that's fine. A lot of my European friends don't feel the need to formalize their long term relationships, and I respect their decision. For me, marriage is a good thing. I never really thought about being married when I was younger, but now that I am, I like it! : )
There is no right answer and I don't find your comment that marriage is a business contract to devalue what I consider to be the most important declaration of my love for another human being that I could give.
That to me is a wonderful thing. If you consider it nothing more than a legal contract then you are probably right to avoid it.
Hope you continue to feel positive. Divorce can be a very trying time. Good luck.
I would say I complain about him to others VERY rarely. He's one of the good ones! : )
Hope you continue to feel positive. Divorce can be a very trying time. Good luck.
I'm happy for you that you found a "good one"
Thanks for your well wishes! Take care
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