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My wife and I have been together for almost 15 years and married for nearly 6.
Over that nearly 15 year span, we've gone through some dry spells and had big fights.
We lost our virginity to one another, so neither has slept with anyone else.
About 3 years into the relationship, I noticed my wife wasn't reciprocating Mod cut. much, and she said it was because [bleep] she preferred doing other stuff. She also tended to gravitate toward her favorite positions [bleep]
My wife admitted to -- and apologized for -- being selfish in bed back then.
She asserted that since she had never been with anyone before or watched porn, she was a bit clueless as to what to do. She also had a few hangups (e.g., low self-esteem, not realizing until later that I liked thicker women like her) that took a while to get over.
I was the one who proposed doing several things to spice up our sex life:
-Roleplay
- Watching porn (which she'd been reluctant to do for years)
- Naughty stuff like cursing and other things I won't say here
In the end, she said all those things greatly improved our sex life.
Just last night we had a big argument. A few months ago, I again proposed a few things to add some spice to the sex life:
- [bleep; WAY TMI]
- A session here and there in the week. I've noticed that we'd only been having sex of late on weekends, and it was becoming a little unpredictable.
Unfortunately, we haven't made headway with either one. She says she's been tired from work (she's a teacher).
Here's where the argument reached a fever pitch: I told her it upsets me that sometimes she seems to pretend she wants to go along with stuff (e.g., having weekday sex sessions) but unless I bring it up, she basically forgets we ever had that conversation. It makes me feel as though she's being insincere.
Her response? She perceives my "wanting to do things to spice things up" as being unhappy with our sex life. That's not the case at all. I just don't want things to become predictable. There's nothing wrong with continually working toward spicing up one's sex life.
But what actually makes me unhappy with the sex life is that I feel like it's on my shoulders. I've always been the one to suggest we do this and that. I've told her countless times that if there's anything she thinks would improve our sex life, to speak up.
Later in the conversation, she conceded that perhaps she takes for granted how engaged I am in our sex life and has sort of leaned on me to drive the bus so to speak.
When it comes to sex, she's reactive rather than proactive. She simply listens to my complaints and sometimes-- not always -- tries to make changes. But hardly ever does she herself complain that we don't do it enough, that we should try new things, etc.
I guess I'd love for her to be more proactive at times and show, I don't know, some passion. I don't want to be the one to always make the suggestions, to always complain. Why can't she effect change on her end?
I've started to wonder whether we are just not as sexually compatible as I thought-- or thought we could become.
It shouldn't have taken 12 years for me to feel like everything I do for her in bed is being reciprocated. Why did it take so long?
Maybe deep down I want someone who is more sexually assertive/proactive/mature. Then again, since I've never been intimate with another woman, I can't really compare my sex life to anything. Maybe it's pretty good as is. Maybe not.
Is telling her that I want her to be more proactive/engaged when it comes to our sex life unreasonable? Hearing her say that she does take for granted that I do so much to keep our sex life exciting was a bit hurtful.
I'm not saying I'm right and she's wrong. I'm just confused.
Ask her to compromise and be spontaneous once a week. I feel her on being a teacher and being tired. Aren't you tired from work? Goodluck!
OP. I recognize they symptoms. Your wife is giving you duty sex. She could probably get along without sex but shes carrying out her part of the bargain. She may never grow to enjoy it or want it as much as you. Try to make it fun and accept what you're getting, not complain about what you're not getting. Make sure sex is about love. If its fun for her she might want it more. Ie Put emphasis on her enjoyment and you just might get more fun too.
^^^ This. She isn't being satisfied sexually and may not even realize it. The usual reason is men satisfying themselves too soon. If she's too tired, try other forms of intimacy like showering together. Concentrate more on her enjoyment.
^^^ This. She isn't being satisfied sexually and may not even realize it. The usual reason is men satisfying themselves too soon. If she's too tired, try other forms of intimacy like showering together. Concentrate more on her enjoyment.
One issue may be that sexual satisfaction is not always orgasm driven. Longer bad sex is just longer you gotta deal with it. At least from my perspective. I have been known to go for his orgasm just to have it over. Blech. Concentrating on her enjoyment is key. It is tough to describe the mental and emotional stimulus that puts it over the top.
Well. Ew. Not a fan. And I thought I disliked "scene".
I can't deal with either one. I 'get' very low level stuff. But nothing that requires equipment and set up and blah blah.
PLUS, as I mentioned above, it's never enough. How long is just light spanking novel and fun? Then you go further and further, even if it's slowly, to please this guy.
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