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I don't say this lightly but I believe your marriage has run its course.
If you are honest with yourself and take a look at your posting history, you are so dissatisfied with your life, and you're taking it out on your wife. You are lost, caught up in the past, can't enjoy the moment and what kind of future can you have in this mindset?
You are critical of her weight. You can't agree on having children. You berate her and fight with her over your sex life. She's not meeting your wants and needs, and honestly, are you meeting any of hers?
Longevity together and losing your virginity to each other is not enough reason to keep this going. For both your sakes, and IMO the kindest thing you could do, is end this.
This.
I get that it's a lot easier said than done, Wordsmith, but it seems like your marriage has run its course. Just looking over your previous threads and posting history, doesn't seem as if you're happy in this marriage, and haven't been for a long while now.
I don't say this lightly but I believe your marriage has run its course.
If you are honest with yourself and take a look at your posting history, you are so dissatisfied with your life, and you're taking it out on your wife. You are lost, caught up in the past, can't enjoy the moment and what kind of future can you have in this mindset?
You are critical of her weight. You can't agree on having children. You berate her and fight with her over your sex life. She's not meeting your wants and needs, and honestly, are you meeting any of hers?
Longevity together and losing your virginity to each other is not enough reason to keep this going. For both your sakes, and IMO the kindest thing you could do, is end this.
To add a little more context, you got married in 2014, just a couple of months before I did. Later that year, you made a post about having kids. This excerpt stands out to me.
This is not a marriage. It is just going through some motions, and dragging your wife along on this hellish ride of being unfulfilled and lost. She will never make you happy because you don't know what you want out of life, and it's also not her job. At this point you are just wasting time which is unfair to both of you.
I have to agree with Woody Allen's line in Tales from a Mall, when he said that every orgasm he ever had was spot on. It seems like this is the OP's problem, not his wife's. If she needs to go through all these scenarios to be desirable to him, then he doesn't really desire her, just some fantasy in his head.
Ah! I'm glad this was reopened. I knew why it was momentarily closed (the not-so-PG13 stuff) but the overall issue is fairly common to couples.
I sent a message to the OP, but I like to have this advice just...out there... There is an excellent book on this subject, called "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski. If he and his wife would both read it, I guarantee it would give them very useful new tools to discuss and work to resolve this issue.
Another thing I mentioned is that he needs to be very careful with how he brings this issue to his wife. First of all, bottom line not everybody is kinky. And there is nothing wrong with that. If he's applying pressure and she's going along to try and be a good wife, trying to perform up to his needs for satisfaction and novelty... In a way she is pushing the boundaries of her own ability to give genuine consent. Doing this, pushing oneself outside of one's happy and comfortable limits, is guaranteed to shut down one's desire and make a person resent sex and their partner. If she does not feel comfortable asserting her needs and limits, then there is a problem. A disconnect that must be resolved.
And also, if a man is constantly lecturing, guilting, and fighting with his wife over sex, and trying to forever "spice things up"...there's not much that is LESS sexy to a woman. The message that comes through is that she is not good enough as she is, and no matter how much she gives, it will NEVER be good enough. Because you always want more. (EDIT: I agree with PriscillaVanilla that porn can influence a man this direction, in porn there is endless novelty at the click of a mouse...a real person should not be expected to perform up to such standards. It just isn't realistic.)
But that resentment and withdrawal, that's what happens when you don't show enough appreciation for what you do get, and you are forever insisting it's not enough. Eventually she will be giving lip service to the idea of trying to make things better, but on the inside, she doesn't mean it, she's hurting and she's retreated into her silence, behind walls built high to keep you out. I used to live in a fortress, too, and frankly I'm not sure that it could have been fixed with the partner I was with, but I've definitely torn down the walls now that I have someone in my life who makes me feel SEEN and loved and appreciated.
Read the book. Not just directing this at the OP, but any couple where the wife in particular seems disconnected with passion and desire and sex has become a disconnect and source of conflict. Read the book, it will help.
Pretty much all of this. I didn't see the thread before the edits, but I'm sure I get the idea. There are some things people just aren't into. You can suggest them until the cows come home if you're into them, but if she's not, she's not, period.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wordsmith12
As I said earlier, my wife is much more passive and reactive than I am. Even she admits that if I hadn't pushed us to try new things/experiment the way I did, our sex life might be a lot worse.
Yet she was resistant to trying many of those things in the beginning, which is likely why our sex life took such a long time to get off the ground.
Perhaps things might have been easier if she'd come into the relationship with a little more knowledge/experience. But it isn't something I'd wish for because that would mean she would not have lost her virginity to me. Still, I didn't have experience either, yet I did my research -- not just looking at porn, but sifting through articles and forums.
But what you've not acknowledged is that there may have been reasons for this. Was she raised to think that women don't enjoy sex, or at least shouldn't admit to it? Or that sex is "dirty" or something you don't talk/think about, period? That could lead to her being passive about it, to not really thinking about it or researching it. Was she raised to think that vanilla missionary-style is THE way, and anything else is wrong or perverted? (Yes, there are people who think this. There was sort of a big thing when Fifty Shades of Grey came out where some people were like, "Ugh, who would want to do that stuff? How messed-up psychologically must a person be to be into that? That's so unhealthy." Etc.)
IOW, she may not simply be boring or unimaginative or too lazy to learn about sex... she may be fully in a mindset not to, because that's what she was always told.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hawk J
With all the blanks, reminds me of the game on game show network, 'Match Game 77', with Gene Rayburn...
Or it could be fun if you play it like Mad Libs? "Oh [woman's name], he said [adverb], while sticking his [noun] into her [noun] and [verb] her [adverb] [noun]...
For those of you posting sex tips and advice, do you really think the problem is sex? And her reading some book on kinks is going to make it all better? Come on.
I agree with the previous poster. I don't think it's really about sex. Don't therapists always say fights about sex and money aren't REALLY about sex and money?
Maybe the deeper issue is that you are desiring to try out other women since you never had that opportunity. Even if your wife were the perfect partner you would still be feeling missing out. Maybe there's even a certain woman in your social circle or at your job that you're dying to have an affair with. Do you think that would make you happy? Doubtful.
I don't agree with previous posters about ending the marriage and getting a divorce. I think more therapy is the answer.
I agree with the previous poster. I don't think it's really about sex. Don't therapists always say fights about sex and money aren't REALLY about sex and money?
Maybe the deeper issue is that you are desiring to try out other women since you never had that opportunity. Even if your wife were the perfect partner you would still be feeling missing out. Maybe there's even a certain woman in your social circle or at your job that you're dying to have an affair with. Do you think that would make you happy? Doubtful.
I don't agree with previous posters about ending the marriage and getting a divorce. I think more therapy is the answer.
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