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Get out of this relationship and seek therapy. Leave the ex alone, you had a good guy and threw that away. He deserves happiness with someone who knows what she wants, and doesn't waffle.
You can absolutely try to reach out to your ex AFTER you've left this other guy AND work on yourself. However, that doesn't mean he will hear you out or that it will go anywhere. But if you have worked on yourself, you will be strong enough to handle the outcome, whatever it is.
For right now... do NOT let your fear of your friends rejections stop you fro leaving. I hear you when you say you don't know if you could handle your friends not taking you back. I get it, your self esteem is low and your nerves are raw. That said, you won't be the first person and you won't be the last to ever face this situation. Others did it and you can too. Plus you have something lots of people never had to help you through this.. a therapist. I bet if you reach out to your parents, you'll have them too. Not to mention people tend to be way more forgiving that you realize in these situations... it is likely that at least some of your friends will simply be relieved that you finally woke up and saw the light. It is scary to see a friend in situations like yours.
O.P. it is very, very disconcerting that you state:
Quote:
I have been going to therapy with a counselor since last summer [for almost a year].
Recall that in my initial reply to you I mentioned:
Quote:
I am not much of one to encourage long term counseling, but in your case I would make the exception.
You might want to pause and reflect on the fact that I was able to discern that you should seek long term counseling (greater than a year). There are reasons why I believe that and I would advise you that the only relationships you should be in at present, and into the intermediate future, are platonic companion based friendships.
O.P. I get this is very tough for you given your perspective. It should give you pause that even after nearly a year of counseling that you remain in a relationship that is abusive given there are zero actual impediments to your ending the relationship other than the ones you impose on yourself.
Something is not right here, you need to work on making a healthy you and forget about bringing others into your life in the romantic sense. When you have built a life you are content with that does not involve a romantic interests, when your everyday is filled with meaning, purpose, and happiness in and of itself, then that is when you are ready to share yourself with another.
do you think these are signs my ex may still care for me?
my ex + i haven't talked for some time now, but we ended on mutual terms. it wasn't a bad breakup; it just ended "up in the air." we both decided it was best to split considering the situation at the time. i ended up in a new relationship [I am currently in] + it is emotionally + [rarely] physically abusive. i want to leave + am having difficulty doing so, but I know I need to do it + I am going to. lately, though, my ex has been on my mind a lot. in the last few weeks, he has been coming up randomly. my mom told me the other day that she wished him a happy birthday on Facebook + he proceeded to share with her that he had moved close to our area for work, shared details about his new job + told her he would maybe see us around sometime randomly. hearing this made me feel kind of hopeful in a way bc he has been on my mind. something similar happened soon after; she congratulated him on his graduation + he responded AGAIN sharing details of his job, repeated that he would like to see us, hoped we [me + my family} were doing well + sent ME his personal congrats on my graduation. last, my mom somehow facetimed him accidentally + hung up before he could answer. he texted my mom asking if everything was okay, if we needed anything + said he thinks it would be fun to randomly see eachother sometime. i can't help but feel he wouldnt say that if he still didnt care? i don't want to have wishful thinking, but I miss him. thoughts? (to specify: I HAVE NO INTENTION of reaching out to this ex until I have left the abuse + worked on myself. I don't want to drag him through my recovery, use him as a rebound, nor do I miss him bc im lonely + want to fill a void. I simply miss him for him, + am asking this question in the context of AFTER my current relationship is out of the picture, + I am healed personally. I am asking w/ the future in mind)
So, what are you waiting for, OP? Why are you clinging to an abusive relationship? It seems to me, you have some self-destructive tendencies. You got out of the bad relationship, then opted back in. Now you're still in it, even though life has very generously and somewhat miraculously offered you your dream solution on a silver platter. You're about to screw up a golden opportunity to get your life back on track. Anyone sensible wouldn't let wild horses stop them from breaking up with an abusive jerk, and taking the ex up on his offer to "see each other sometime".
I think it's a very good idea, to take some time out after breaking up, to recover from your bad experience. As I mentioned on your other thread, I recommend you get counseling (insurance can pay for it; check your insurance policy on mental health coverage), to unravel the causes, for why you allowed yourself to stay in what quickly shaped up to be an abusive relationship, and then after breaking up--to go back to the abuser. People make mistakes when they're young; they may choose the wrong guy for a relationship. It happens. But you stayed with it, and chose it a second time after getting out of it. Some therapy would help you recover, AND would help you guard against repeating the same mistake later sometime.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, OP. Do you want to spend it with an abuser, or do you want to be in a happy relationship? Do you want to choose abuse, or do you want to choose love? You may lose the latter option, if you don't get out of your current relationship ASAP.
And btw, I think it would be perfectly ok, when you re-connect with the ex, to say, that you were in an abusive relationship for awhile, and are seeking therapy to recover, and get your head straight. Your ex seems into you enough, that he would be supportive and understanding. This will only work, however, if your current relationship is truly over. I think you know what you need to do. Stop dragging your feet. Rescue yourself from the abuse, and get on with recovering and getting back to a healthy, happy place. You can do this!
my ex + i haven't talked for some time now, but we ended on mutual terms. it wasn't a bad breakup; it just ended "up in the air." we both decided it was best to split considering the situation at the time. i ended up in a new relationship [I am currently in] + it is emotionally + [rarely] physically abusive. i want to leave + am having difficulty doing so, but I know I need to do it + I am going to. lately, though, my ex has been on my mind a lot. in the last few weeks, he has been coming up randomly. my mom told me the other day that she wished him a happy birthday on Facebook + he proceeded to share with her that he had moved close to our area for work, shared details about his new job + told her he would maybe see us around sometime randomly. hearing this made me feel kind of hopeful in a way bc he has been on my mind. something similar happened soon after; she congratulated him on his graduation + he responded AGAIN sharing details of his job, repeated that he would like to see us, hoped we [me + my family} were doing well + sent ME his personal congrats on my graduation. last, my mom somehow facetimed him accidentally + hung up before he could answer. he texted my mom asking if everything was okay, if we needed anything + said he thinks it would be fun to randomly see eachother sometime. i can't help but feel he wouldnt say that if he still didnt care? i don't want to have wishful thinking, but I miss him. thoughts? (to specify: I HAVE NO INTENTION of reaching out to this ex until I have left the abuse + worked on myself. I don't want to drag him through my recovery, use him as a rebound, nor do I miss him bc im lonely + want to fill a void. I simply miss him for him, + am asking this question in the context of AFTER my current relationship is out of the picture, + I am healed personally. I am asking w/ the future in mind)
(to specify: I HAVE NO INTENTION of reaching out to this ex until I have left the abuse + worked on myself. I don't want to drag him through my recovery, use him as a rebound, nor do I miss him bc im lonely + want to fill a void. I simply miss him for him, + am asking this question in the context of AFTER my current relationship is out of the picture, + I am healed personally. I am asking w/ the future in mind.
I think a little honesty here is important. You *do* miss him because you are lonely and have a void. There's no shame in admitting that. You are lonely and have a void-- that generally is the result of an abusive relationship. I mentioned earlier that this ex is an escapism for you... It is easier to think and even fantasize about the ex than to do what you actually need to do.
I don't know why you keep asking about "future in mind"... Of course, none of us know what the future will bring. But surely nothing good will happen if you continue status quo. Please understand that if/once you do break away and start the healing process, it's going to be a long term process... Otherwise you are going to keep sabotaging yourself and possibly end up in another abusive relationship.
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do you think these are signs my ex may still care for me?
