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I don't think it's just that. I have a good group of friends that I hang out with regularly. I'm an avid racquetball player (hence my alias on this forum), playing 2-5 times per week (depending on scheduling). We often times go out for dinner or drinks afterwards. Then there's my staff that I see and interact with regularly (not exactly "friends" because the dynamic is different, but there's plenty of adult interaction there).
There are some things that I want in life, and because of what they are perhaps some feelings of expediency on my part. I want to have more kids, at least one more. I don't want to have kids with someone that doesn't want kids, that doesn't value family, that doesn't want to be a mother. There's a biological time limit on this, not really for me, but for whoever I end up with. It means that whoever I'm dating has to be roughly 35 tops, younger might be better. At 43 now, that's not really a problem (the ranges of women I've dated since my divorce have been pretty evenly scattered between 27 and 35). But it becomes more of a problem as I get older and the age gap grows.
How much less realistic is it to attract a 35-year-old (or younger) when I'm 50, or 55? I'm already culturally "old" for my age (I like 70s and 80s music, old black and white TV shows, etc) and sometimes that causes cultural relationship difficulties even with people my age, let alone people younger than me. It's so weird to talk to someone who doesn't know the names Mister Rogers, Phil Collins, Lucille Ball, or Frankie Valli. How much more difficult is this going to be as I get older and the biologically-required age gap grows?
So maybe the feeling isn't one of loss of a specific person, but the loss of a perceived opportunity, having to start over again and feeling like the time was wasted. I know that's a horrible and unproductive mindset to have (i.e. if I go into any dating situation thinking "this better be the one, otherwise I'll need to start over again", that sucks for both of us). I literally just advised someone else in another thread against this exact same mindset a few hours ago. :-)
How in the world do you have time for all this w a toddler???
Is there an objective amount of time that one should wait after divorce to start dating again? That seems to be a very subjective measure.
Oh dear. It's not about the divorce. It's about a vulnerable, very young child whose mother has rejected him. If you can't see that I don't know what to tell you.
Actually, I am surprised a judge granted you a divorce with a very young child without at least a full year of legal separation. What state are you in?
How in the world do you have time for all this w a toddler???
A couple of ways:
I have a full-time nanny that has him Monday through Friday 7am to 4pm. She's been with us since October last year. She has a degree in child psychology and is great with him, and has been very helpful since the divorce as well.
I'm also very high energy.. I'm productive and accomplish things quickly, and I don't sleep much (4-5 hours usually.. more than 7 and I feel awful), so I have more time during the day than most people.
Oh dear. It's not about the divorce. It's about a vulnerable, very young child whose mother has rejected him. If you can't see that I don't know what to tell you.
You can be less ambiguous. Your comment was partially about him, partially about the timing of my divorce, and partially about my emotional stability. If your concern is about my son, then you can focus your reply there; that way I'll know what you're trying to say.
He has a great support network. As I just mentioned in another reply, he has a nanny that has him much of the day during the week. I nanny-share her with another family that have three girls (ages 2, 4, and 6), and the four of them are best friends.. spending their days playing together, swimming, going to the museum or the zoo, and a variety of activities. When I finish work at 4pm and get him back, we spend the evenings together playing, or going to the gym together (lots of kids activities where I go). He goes to bed around 8:30pm each night, then I stay up and work for another 4-6 hours.
He spends time with his grandma (my mom) and other family members as well. His mom wasn't emotionally present when she was physically present, so he's not missing anything that he was accustomed to. When the two of them were home alone, she'd plop him into his swing to keep him out of her way. While there's going to be some feelings of abandonment on his part, this will be better for him in the long-run, for the people in his life to be people that care about him.
Saturday mornings we have our homemade pancake tradition, so we did that this morning. Then we played and tore up the house a bit, went out for lunch, and now he's napping.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
Actually, I am surprised a judge granted you a divorce with a very young child without at least a full year of legal separation. What state are you in?
Arizona, where the family courts will pretty much do whatever the parents want as long as they're in agreement. My attorney has been practicing family law here for 30 years, and had no contention about filing for divorce at the time or even mentioned that this could be an issue. So your mention of being surprised about this is the first I've hard about such a thing.
I contributed to your last thread. I didn't realize you were married 20 years. You were barely out of school at that 23! You have to put the past year in a different context that what you are accustomed to. Dating is much different today. Even if there were a couple of dating sites back them, the culture of online dating is totally different today. I never was in that world but from what I see it has created such different dynamics than back before you were married. There's a lot more room for people to be more fickle and say one thing then mean another.
Whereas when I used to meet guys either through friends or organically (through work or volunteering) it seemed like you didn't have a date unless there was in person interest on both sides from the start, or because or mutual connections, too much to risk in playing games.
I think you should stay true to yourself and if there is pain if it ends, at least you know you gave it your all.
Off topic question...was your son's Mother interested in having a baby before he was born? She obviously didn't get an abortion for some reason.
There's a bit of complexity behind all of that, so I'll try to summarize and still be fairly accurate. :-)
She's three years younger than me (so, 40 now). We were both aware of medical information about her that lead us to believe that she wasn't able to get pregnant. Years of unprotected sex not leading to pregnancy sort of confirmed that for us. Prior to us knowing this, she had been on the fence about having children, and I had always wanted them. Over the years, we had both become accustomed to not having children (were DINKs for a long time, she made decent money and I make really good money, so we lived pretty lavishly and had a lot of fun).
A couple of years ago, she went on a new medication that, unbeknownst to us, had the side effect of increased fertility, and within a few months she was pregnant. I was excited at the prospect. Her response was "Well, I'm 38, and getting an abortion is irresponsible, so I guess we're doing this." Over the next two months she started to really grow to like the idea. She was convinced she was carrying a girl, picked a name, start buying clothes and such. I told her that it was a bit premature and we shouldn't invest in the idea of either one until we know. Then we did the test and found out it was a boy, that was a fairly big blow to her. But as time went on she started to get excited again, or so it appeared from the outside.
I have many siblings, and lots of experience with children and feel very comfortable with children of all ages, including newborns. She has none of that, and was terrified about everything.. "How do we feed him? Dress him? Care for him?" I tried to reassure her that I would be there with her for all of that. We had planned for some parenting classes. But as the birth was approaching, Covid struck, and all of the classes were canceled.
During the delivery, just after he was born, the doctor placed him onto her chest, and I saw something in her face that was very promising. I thought for sure the "switch" had clicked for her. But it was short-lived. Beyond being him being a cute accessory, like a purse to show off to friends, she had little interest in him. She would do the necessary things, like change his diaper, feed him (formula, no breast-feeding), etc. But she didn't interact with him.
When she told me that she was leaving, it basically went like this: "I don't want to be a mom, I've been having an affair, and I'm leaving." She told me that she never bonded with him, that whatever was supposed to happen to women when they have children never happened to her, and she had other things in her life that she wanted to pursue.
She still sees our son occasionally, maybe once every other week or so for dinner. But like her, he never really bonded either, and doesn't really care for spending much time with her.
Side note: The person that she had the affair with is also married (actually, I think he's still married) and has two kids, whom he also abandoned and hasn't seen in probably six months. He's recent trans-gendered woman, so there's all sorts of issues going on in that household that I'd just prefer to keep my son away from anyway.
I appreciate that contribution, you were very helpful! Thank you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel
I didn't realize you were married 20 years. You were barely out of school at that 23!
Close.. I was 22 (subtract one year for everything since we've now been apart for about a year). :-)
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel
You have to put the past year in a different context that what you are accustomed to. Dating is much different today. Even if there were a couple of dating sites back them, the culture of online dating is totally different today. I never was in that world but from what I see it has created such different dynamics than back before you were married. There's a lot more room for people to be more fickle and say one thing then mean another
Oh of course! We did meet online back then (in 1999), but it wasn't a dating site, it was a completely accidental meet on an instant messaging program called ICQ.
As I've been in tech my whole life (and that essentially is my life), even though I hadn't (until my divorce) used the various dating apps, I'm extremely tech-savvy and have picked up on the differential nuances very quickly. Dating apps make dating different than it was 20 years ago. But the idea of a "keyboard warrior" (someone who will say something from a computer that they'd never say in person) has been a thing for decades. I can abstract that concept into dating apps and pretty well derive what sort of dynamics that creates.
I've also not limited to dating online, having met a few of the people I've dated in person in various instances. Even then there are subtle differences. "Let me get your number and I'll text you" wasn't a thing back then. :-)
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel
Whereas when I used to meet guys either through friends or organically (through work or volunteering) it seemed like you didn't have a date unless there was in person interest on both sides from the start, or because or mutual connections, too much to risk in playing games.
That dynamic happens online too. I know that every woman has their own "protective" measures that vary wildly. Someone that I've met online are fine with getting together for coffee after texting back and forth for a day or two. One woman spent about 30 hours on the phone with me spread out over weeks before she'd agree to meet in person. What's strange is that very few are comfortable talking about what they're comfortable with in that regard. They think that whatever they do is what everyone else does. Which means I need to figure out what she wants and cater to that. If she wants lengthy phone conversations first, then I need to just know that (because that's what she thinks everyone else wants, so it's normal, so I should already know). On the flip side, if she wants to be asked out fairly quickly and I wait too long, then I'm "not interested" because I didn't make a move sooner.
So online dating has some advantages, but it introduces a whole slew of new complexities that I've quickly had to become accustomed to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel
I think you should stay true to yourself and if there is pain if it ends, at least you know you gave it your all.
I think so too. That's how I generally approach everything, and specifically for that reason.
If your problem is getting attached too quickly, perhaps you can set ground rules for yourself. You can set the three date limit where you say that everything is like an interview. Be objective and realize it’s too early to attach your emotions. Obviously, no sex or making out. My husband made me wait a month, lol.
If it all goes well, with your prospect’s verbal agreement, move to stage 2 where you can date regularly for a month or two. Keep it light and fun, but hold back something for later. This is where you find out if you’re in the friend zone. Talk a lot. Sex if it feels right. Let her see your child briefly. Express your commitment to fatherhood. Try to scare her off with reality.
After that, you are on your own.
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