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To avoid early attachment, might want to reassess your thinking and your goals.
You sound nice, you're responsible and financially stable. But you have a very young child, a nanny and imo a flakey ex-wife you're still supporting, you've not heard the last of her.
As a woman and potential romantic partner I wouldn't know where I fit in your life. You've got lots going on already.
Perhaps seeing people for companionship rather than as The One might something to think about.
I hear the clock ticking but maybe having two children by two different mothers might not be in the cards for you. Might not be a good idea either.
It's good to be goal oriented, but fresh off a divorce is a good time to reign in a relationship quest, for now at least.
I think that they have a point, though. In planning and executing these very thoughtful acts of service, you are giving YOURSELF a dose of QT and tricking yourself into invested feelings that come from your actions rather than the woman's actions. I think that was the gist of what they were trying to tell you.
Sure, but the way I'm acting is genuine.. I don't want to change that, otherwise I'm just not being myself. That would seem to invite a whole host of other problems.
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Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
I wonder if this is something that happens when we spent a long time in one relationship and then we're trying to date afterwards? We have this idea of what a relationship looks like where you know this other person so very well, and so we start trying to rebuild that structure right away?
Maybe, but I did the same thing while dating before I was married too.
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Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
It's fine to try and suss out if they would be open to your vision of the future in theory...but hold off on solidifying PLANS either with them or in your mind that it will happen with THIS person. Early stages are fragile and can break if too much pressure is placed on them, in my opinion. And a rush towards commitment with someone you don't yet know well can lead to bad outcomes in my opinion, but that's just what life has taught ME. YMMV as they say.
I decided to resume therapy, and had a session this morning. We came to a really good realization.
First, this has happened with one other person that I dated recently, but I had no real issue when it was broken off. For some reason, it was mostly just this time (even though I had a similar investment in the previous one). As I believe I mentioned earlier in this thread regarding this last one, there were communication issues where I wanted to discuss the problem and she wanted to "wait and see" if it resolved itself. In hindsight, I should have recognized that the relationship wasn't going to work because of this, but I reluctantly went along with her approach. And of course it didn't work, because problems don't just go away.
My therapist hypothesized that my issues with this one don't come from the relationship ending, but me going against my better judgment and not ending it myself sooner. That really clicked with me as being the likely cause of the disproportionate pain that I'm feeling. I think she's right.
While I do get emotionally attached early on, I don't think that's the primary cause. Last time, I was attached and it ended, I only experienced a small amount of pain, and it was only for two days, and I pretty much gave it no more thought.
The problem is that when/if the relationship ends, even if it's very new, it's very painful. The more attached I was, the more painful it is. But if I don't invest emotionally, then is it really a relationship? I think if I were detached, I'd come across as uninterested, and that's not genuine.
I can relate to this a lot. Unfortunately I don't have the solution for you.
In my opinion, though, I think getting easily attached is probably better than not being able to develop attachment. I used to be very much like you describe yourself. I'd very quickly invest hope and feelings into someone I'd be interested in, and of course when that doesn't pan out, you find yourself feeling way too hurt when considering what little actually happened.
I used to think I probably had to correct that. Well, let me tell you, for as long as this was how I functioned, I ultimately had a very satisfying love life.
Now, events in life have made me much more defensive about investing emotionally, and I find myself in a place where I'm not sure I'm capable of doing it anymore. As a result, in a few years now, I feel like I have been unable to truly connect with any woman. I will rationally enjoy the company of a partner, find them attractive, interesting, have good laughs, want to cuddle with them and all, but ultimately, I still feel like there's a distance. This quickly makes things stale.
So on my end, I would say, I think if you still have that candid heart, better to love too much than not enough.
Sure, but the way I'm acting is genuine.. I don't want to change that, otherwise I'm just not being myself. That would seem to invite a whole host of other problems.
Maybe, but I did the same thing while dating before I was married too.
I decided to resume therapy, and had a session this morning. We came to a really good realization.
First, this has happened with one other person that I dated recently, but I had no real issue when it was broken off. For some reason, it was mostly just this time (even though I had a similar investment in the previous one). As I believe I mentioned earlier in this thread regarding this last one, there were communication issues where I wanted to discuss the problem and she wanted to "wait and see" if it resolved itself. In hindsight, I should have recognized that the relationship wasn't going to work because of this, but I reluctantly went along with her approach. And of course it didn't work, because problems don't just go away.
My therapist hypothesized that my issues with this one don't come from the relationship ending, but me going against my better judgment and not ending it myself sooner. That really clicked with me as being the likely cause of the disproportionate pain that I'm feeling. I think she's right.
While I do get emotionally attached early on, I don't think that's the primary cause. Last time, I was attached and it ended, I only experienced a small amount of pain, and it was only for two days, and I pretty much gave it no more thought.
I'm glad that you are getting some insight.
To be clear and mainly to respond to your first statement, it isn't so much being fake and disingenuous, as it is exercising some self control.
Think of it this way. Let's say that you are feeling some other big emotion. Anger would be a great example. Do you smash stuff at the grocery store because somebody ticked you off? Of course you don't! Is the fact that you can control yourself, your behavior and your words, in order to be civil even if you are feeling something, a sign that you are fake or not being authentic or genuine? I don't think so.
It's not so much acting as though the feelings don't exist at all, as it is modulating your behavior to a socially appropriate level for the context that you're in. The context being "this woman doesn't really know me well yet, and it is reasonable for her to not be sure that she's ready to seal the deal emotionally into a life commitment, so I need to give HER feelings some space to let light and air in, rather than dumping mine all over her and possibly smothering them."
You can think something without saying it. You can feel something without taking a big action. It's part of being human, we do it all the time. You don't have to be cold, but you can try to be...calm.
And I tell you this because I had an ongoing problem with unequal amounts of emotional investment in EVERY ONE (and there were plenty) of my attempted connections....if anyone caught feels, it wasn't both of us and the one who wasn't in love got uncomfortable. Until I met my husband. And one of the significantly different things there, was that we gave it some time to grow, compared to other connections I'd tried to have before. It was months before I had a very meaningful conversation where I told him that I was feeling kind of vulnerable and afraid, because I was falling in love and in the past that's always meant that my heart would get broken. That it was a bit of a rollercoaster of joy and insecurity for me. And to my utter shock he said, "I am feeling the same way."
I didn't think I'd ever get married again, I thought that these mismatches were just...all there was. And never again did I want to settle for someone I was not truly and deeply in love with, nor be settled for if they were not. This felt like a miracle to me, honestly. Until that conversation I was pretty well convinced that I was in for yet another broken heart. But it took MONTHS before we had that talk.
As you said you want another child, why not use a surrogate? If you got started right away there wouldn't be a big age gap between children. It would also take away any pressure to meet someone with whom to have a child.
How in the world do you have time for all this w a toddler???
This is what I'm wondering. Also, the OP has only been divorced for a year. How is it possible to have a slew of relationships in that time? And who can live with that kind of a roller coaster? OP, did you begin dating before the divorce, during the separation? Otherwise, I can't see how you could have already had a series of failed relationships. Are you rushing into relationships too quickly? Is that what you mean by "emotionally attached" too easily?
Emotionally needy people do tend to pin their hopes onto each new romantic prospect, even before they really know the person well enough to speculate about the possibility of a committed long-term relationship. I agree with some of the others, that you should give up on dating for now, and get some counseling to break this pattern of attaching yourself to people too soon. This is a serious concern, and it's a fairly common one.
Also, this emotional roller coaster you put yourself through can't be good for the toddler in your care. Very small children like that can sense emotional turmoil, and they may internalize it. They begin building their self-esteem (or lack of it) based on the quality of your interactions with them. And how, which is to say--where, are you having these relationships? Hopefully you're not exposing your little one to a parade of "aunties".
I'm assuming you pay a caregiver for childcare. It's the only way you could be spending all this time dating, not to mention your work hours. Do you work from home? Go to an office? You need to be bonding with your own child, not with a revolving door of women. The first 5-6 years of a child's life are utterly crucial. They need stability, consistent bonding (with the parent/s, not the nanny!), and love. This child has already been abandoned by his mother, at such a young age! Be careful not to abandon him a second time, by being too busy not only with work, but with your busy social whirl. It's nice he has grandma, but she's no substitute for daddy. Hopefully he gets to enjoy your love and support daily, not just on weekends.
You co-created this child. It's time to place this helpless toddler's needs first in your life. To create a path for yourself that would eventually lead to a stable, satisfying adult relationship, get therapy, an investment in yourself and your future as an emotionally healthy person. This also would be a great gift for your child; a father who is emotionally independent and secure.
edit: Catching up on the thread, I see you're in therapy. Apparently this issue of dividing your attention between your child and a parade of women hasn't come up in therapy? Or has it? Or have you only been discussing your emotional reaction to these relationships? If the focus has been so narrow, there's an elephant in the room...
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 01-05-2022 at 09:19 PM..
It's not so much acting as though the feelings don't exist at all, as it is modulating your behavior to a socially appropriate level for the context that you're in. The context being "this woman doesn't really know me well yet, and it is reasonable for her to not be sure that she's ready to seal the deal emotionally into a life commitment, so I need to give HER feelings some space to let light and air in, rather than dumping mine all over her and possibly smothering them."
I think that's one of the things that makes this last one particularly challenging for me, and why things moved so quickly, is because she reciprocated everything. It wasn't one-sided as far as I can tell.
As you said you want another child, why not use a surrogate? If you got started right away there wouldn't be a big age gap between children. It would also take away any pressure to meet someone with whom to have a child.
I'm not interested in creating new children while I'm single.
OP, being in a rush to initiate an LTR and get married due to "biological clock" issues often doesn't work out long-term for women, and as you've found, it doesn't work for men, either. You might have better luck just relaxing into fatherhood and focussing on that. When it's time for preschool and playdates, you might meet some single moms as you go along. Really, that stage is only a year or year-and-a-half away.
Sometimes, the harder you chase something, the further out of your grasp it gets, but if you mellow out and accept what is, the whole dynamic can change in a way that brings pleasant surprises. You can't control everything in your life. Your neediness is leading you into nothing but turmoil.
OP, did you begin dating before the divorce, during the separation?
Yes, though most of them have been first-dates only (no flings, just no interest after the first date).
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Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Are you rushing into relationships too quickly? Is that what you mean by "emotionally attached" too easily?
It's possible, I'm not sure. That's what I'm working through with therapy.
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Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
And how, which is to say--where, are you having these relationships? Hopefully you're not exposing your little one to a parade of "aunties".
Not in the presence of my child. He has never met any of them, and that's very important to me. I don't plan on introducing him to anyone until I see a good chance of a solid long-term relationship first.
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Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
I'm assuming you pay a caregiver for childcare.
Yes, he has a nanny from Monday through Friday, 7am to 4pm. That's when I work. I'm a business owner (I run a couple of businesses), so my schedule is fairly flexible. So I also do things during this time that I can't do with my son, like get haircuts. Sometimes I have lunch dates. Occasionally, he has overnight play dates with his friends at their houses. That's also when I go out on dates. I don't take time away from my son to spend dating. I have him whenever it's not during work hours, and we spend quality time together. That would be in the morning getting him ready, in the later afternoon and evenings, and on the weekends. So basically, for him, pretty much a normal parenting schedule.
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Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
You co-created this child. It's time to place this helpless toddler's needs first in your life.
Yes, that's always been the case, no change is needed here.
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Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
edit: Catching up on the thread, I see you're in therapy. Apparently this issue of dividing your attention between your child and a parade of women hasn't come up in therapy?
Correct, because it doesn't happen.
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