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I'm curious about a couple topics. Most likely they are just a "times have changed" thing but I'd love to hear what you all think. Please include your gender/age if you like
1. How much time do couples spend together? The first few months, the first year, committed relationship, etc. I hear a lot of (mostly) women saying that their boyfriends do not spend enough time with them. I feel like it has been almost normalized to spend a lot of time together right off the bat, like more than once a week when first dating to almost 24/7 a few months in.
I am male/62yo.
We got married after dating a few months.
I was deploying at the time. So I was gone 7 months of each year on average. I felt more like a brief visitor in her house when I was home. About 4 years into our marriage, we bought real estate with three houses, one was meant to be our home and the other two were rentals. My Dw lived in that home while I deployed. Then a few years later we were transferred over-seas, where we bought a different property. It had a home for us plus four other rental apartments. Again my Dw stayed at home and ran the business, while I worked. While living there, my Dw started and ran a laundry service, hiring a half-dozen other Navy wives to work for her. on and on it went. I focused on my career, while she stayed home and ran the business.
I retired on the year that was our 20th anniversary, and that was when we began living together fulltime year-round.
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... 2. Do people stop at the bar or other social outlet after work anymore? This is not about alcohol, that is a separate topic. I feel like people I talk to expect their married/living together significant others to come straight home after work. I often stop by the barn (horse barN not bar) on my way home and would expect anyone I dated to do so as well if that is their normal thing. I also sometimes stop by a bar with coworkers, etc., although not as often.
My Dw and I were both fairly active in our church. We hosted weekly bible studies in our home and a weekly potluck dinner.
Our primary social outlet was through the church. Though sometimes our church group did go out dancing, or to listen to a band and have drinks.
I think the children/obligation thing is a good point, that would change things.
I don't see any correlation with age or gender on how people view this (not that this provides much for an analysis but still lol).
I know I trend towards the see each other once or so a week as opposed to a lot of time together when first dating (0-6 or maybe 12 months?). I feel like in the past spending tooo much time (joined at the hip or daily seeing/lots of communication) has caused premature feelings of involvement that did not work out as I actually got to know someone over a few months. I think for females especially it can be easy to get quick-attached. But I know I bail just as quick right after if they aren't a good fit for me. Sometimes waiting for something works out better- well, most times it does for me!
The second topic, I remember dating guys who would get irritated with my stopping somewhere after work. It seemed the more irritated they got the more I would do it LOL!! Most of the men in my family stop after work at the bar or golf course or whatever several times a week and their marriages are great. One specific point though is that all of these people have varied outside hobbies, pursuits, and passions that while they may not share them all the time, they respect each others need for it and appreciate it. They do not sit home together watching TV or whatever daily. <--this may be a key thing.
My experiences have taught me that whatever you want to do is fine, but it may or may not be fine for any given partner depending on how well you communicate about it and if you are compatible or not.
My first marriage was a classic insecure attached to avoidant mismatch with a side of some sort of personality disordered dysfunction thrown in. He wanted to hover over me constantly in the beginning, and to some extent (though I fought for some space over the years) he wanted to know where I was and what exactly I was up to at all times. Any time he did not, he was anxious about it. I sometimes wonder if I'd been wired more like him, would things have perhaps worked out better...likely not. I don't know, it doesn't matter.
After that, the people I dated, I did want to see them regularly but not every day and not all the time. We'd have a routine where a certain day of the week I'd go spend time with them. I did not need or want daily contact, and we didn't need to know what the others were doing after work. Though we might talk about it just to make conversation, in terms of "talk about whatever interesting thing you're up to just for a thing to talk about." But we're all adults and do not have to account for our time in any way to each other.
I am now remarried, and we still have those "how was your day" conversations just to talk about whatever, but if I want to go shopping, I don't have to tell him precisely where I'm going or how long I'll be out. Before I was working from home, I'd stop at the store or something, and he didn't need to be told I'd be getting home later. He wasn't texting me to see where I was. We check in with each other if we feel like it might affect plans we might have together, but it's courtesy. We like to snuggle and watch TV in the evenings together, but nobody is keeping score about anything. Our time together feels voluntary and wanted, not obligatory and demanded or required.
Whatever you're doing, it should be comfortable for you both. If it isn't, then talk about it. If one or the other states their wishes in terms of "this is normal in relationships and my needs form the shape of a moral or ethical requirement on your part to conform" then run like hell. Reasonable compromises can be made, but not if both people feel strongly about conflicting positions...there's a point where the best course is to stamp this connection "Incompatible" and move on.
Which is why I often raise an eyebrow at questions about "is this a normal expectation in relationships these days"... It's not like there is a committee that regularly meets to update the official rules of this game. No one person is more "right" about how something should be, common or not. Ya gotta figure out expectations together.
If one or the other states their wishes in terms of "this is normal in relationships and my needs form the shape of a moral or ethical requirement on your part to conform" then run like hell. Reasonable compromises can be made, but not if both people feel strongly about conflicting positions...there's a point where the best course is to stamp this connection "Incompatible" and move on.
Which is why I often raise an eyebrow at questions about "is this a normal expectation in relationships these days"... It's not like there is a committee that regularly meets to update the official rules of this game. No one person is more "right" about how something should be, common or not. Ya gotta figure out expectations together.
With my first marriage that lasted 20 years, at first he lived in an apartment. Pretty much right from the start, we saw each other almost every night, but just for a few hours - only longer on the weekends. He had moved in with me and my parents by month 6 or so, but the amount of time together was still about the same due to work/school hours. Still a daily thing. No, we would never stop and do any kind of social activity without the other on the way home. Running an errand, needing to go pick something up, etc is different but would be talked about beforehand if it changed what time we got home. We were each other's best friends. Towards the end, he would go hunting at night. I started to do a lot of walking - either on the treadmill or on our property. Neither activity was controversial at all, but did take away the time we spent together. Instead of it being a 'great to have your own interest' type thing, it turned into a 'things we don't have in common' pointed out situation.
With my current relationship, he lives a few hours away, but stays with me as much as he can. Every weekend at least (Friday afternoon - Monday morning), but often more. He's ended up at my house every night since last Wednesday. I assume he'll actually stay at his place tonight, but he'll be back at my house tomorrow. This started on day 1. When I had off the week between Christmas and New Years, I went back with him and went to work with him each day. He has very limited cell service, so I let him do all the calling. I actually wasn't a phone person before him. He will call multiple times per day during the week, starting about half an hour after leaving my house or as soon as he gets to where he has cell service if he wasn't here. About 2 hours on the phone per day is probably average, but I've already talked to him over an hour total today and it's just now lunch time. I don't do casual. Never have. Too easy to just see the good parts. I want to run out of the easy things to talk about. I want to see how they live. I want to see them in different moods. I want to see the good with the bad before I waste my time.
I was usually pretty independent when I was dating, not wanting or expecting to see someone every day. But I wasn't looking for a relationship, more like companionship.
My husband and I met in our early 30s both of us divorced with no plans to remarry. We became friends and by the time we went out over a year later we were already a little bit in love with each other.
It was like finding the other half of me. We were instantly compatible and comfortable with each other. We've worked together, have owned a business together that we still run. We're together 24/7 and it never gets old. We're each other's best friend. This kind of closeness has been a new experience for both of us.
Stopping off at the bar on the way home isn't something we do although we meet friends at bars or restaurants for dinner and drinks occasionally.
For years we had a very active social life with a large group of friends, volunteering, outings, dances, etc.
All that has mostly come to an end, we don't go out at night, mostly just leaving the house to do errands during the day. We're older and content with a quiet life.
Our big excitement is having the grandchildren for the weekend once a month. When they go back home we collapse.
My husband and I started dating in our late 30s and while I worked M-F his schedule was S-T so we only had one full weekend day together for two years until he changed jobs to a M-F schedule as well. But it was still only weekends until we bought a house and subsequently got married.
We don't go out with friends so much that it's an issue for us, so whenever we do, it's fine. Neither of us has a standing get together with others, it's much more random. His friends aren't all local to get together after work during the workweek. My GFs are more local but we still don't get together that frequently. Everyone is busy.
When we were in Ireland a few years ago, we were in a bar in Dublin that was fairly empty but within in an hour had filled to capacity. I looked at the time and realized the workday had ended, and you went from work to a bar to have a pint and a "craic" (conversation) to unwind and then head home. I thought that was pretty cool.
In marriage #2, I felt like I had to ask permission to go fishing or something without her with me. And the guilt trip I got? "You're away from me and the kids while you're working and you can't spend a weekend with us?"
In present marriage, she got mad at me for asking about going fishing. ( I don't drink so no need for bars) "If you want to go fishing, just tell me you're going. You don't have to have my permission." I'm 65, she's 71 and she's been like this since, and a little bit before, we got married 20 years ago.
We had a thread on the fishing-weekend issue. The verdict was, that since fishing (or whatever weekend sport or leisure activity away from home) is usually a relatively rare occasion, say--maybe one weekend quarterly, give or take, it should be ok. There's couple time or family time, then there's "me time", which most people need or benefit from, on occasion.
What did you answer to that question? "You're away 5 days/week at work, can't you spend a weekend with us?" Did you say, "I spend every weekend with y'all, except for the few when I go fishing. What, you'd begrudge me occasional time away in nature?"
When she dishes out the guilt, you've never dished it right back? You just roll over and die? You don't stand up for yourself? A weekend of one's own now and then is a healthy thing.
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No gf, I like the guys lol
