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I'm curious about a couple topics. Most likely they are just a "times have changed" thing but I'd love to hear what you all think. Please include your gender/age if you like
1. How much time do couples spend together? The first few months, the first year, committed relationship, etc. I hear a lot of (mostly) women saying that their boyfriends do not spend enough time with them. I feel like it has been almost normalized to spend a lot of time together right off the bat, like more than once a week when first dating to almost 24/7 a few months in.
2. Do people stop at the bar or other social outlet after work anymore? This is not about alcohol, that is a separate topic. I feel like people I talk to expect their married/living together significant others to come straight home after work. I often stop by the barn (horse barN not bar) on my way home and would expect anyone I dated to do so as well if that is their normal thing. I also sometimes stop by a bar with coworkers, etc., although not as often.
Sure, here's an opinion. Gen X, 54, loner but well aware how to cultivate and maintain relationships with women. I choose not to, by and large, but study the manosphere and other men's philosophies related to...relationships....quite a bit. Know thyself, know the nature of the game.
"Boyfriends don't spend enough time with them." A: Women are a complement, not the focus, of a man's life when a man's on his purpose and holding frame. A man needs to be his own mental point of origin. Men and women don't have that many hobbies and activities in common. One is hiking, and I enjoy hiking with other singles past year or so in-particular. But otherwise, it's mostly a function of compromise: some kinds of events I'm not into (museums and art galleries, floral shows, crafts, etc.) that women are into. Nor do I expect them to go to car shows, gun shops, and computer galleries.
Anyone stopping at a bar or other social outlet after work these days needs their head examined. That will change over time as the pandemic subsides, but at current not a great strategy to stay bug-free. Here's to hoping I never set foot in another office rest of my career: WFH suits my purposes just fine.
"Expecting" a spouse to do anything like get home right after work means someone's not in the other person's frame. Hopefully the man's controlling that, but a lot of death-by-1000-cuts guys out there who allow themselves to be dominated by a spouse. Who is invariably unhappy...
A healthy amount of time spent apart is good for a relationship, married or not. If spouses make the together time count for quality, they won't be in constant-togetherness hunger mode. But there's the rub. I've met very few people over my lifetime who knew how to spend quality time together. In the relationship context, quality time means that you set aside time to just hang out with each other, be each other's support and best friend, listen, really pay attention to what's happening for your partner emotionally.
IMO, this doesn't require inordinate amounts of time out of any given week. The problem is that people often don't know how to be a quality spouse. Going to Walmart together and discussing how the sale price of an item compares with one at Target does not count towards satisfying togetherness time. If that's the level of togetherness a couple is capable of and no more, it's going to make someone unhappy. (I've noticed that usually, the one that gets unhappy wants to deepen the intimacy, while the other is content with the status quo and the comfort of routine).
Before the pandemic, working couples generally spent upwards of 12 hours apart during the day; we have to sleep for another 7 to 8 at night, so the remaining windows during the workweek are pretty short. If you're also stopping by somewhere after work to hang out with someone other than your spouse, you're cutting that small space of time even shorter, and sending the message that other people take priority. Let's say you get home at 7 or 8 at night, and your and/or wife need to be in bed and falling asleep by 10. In that sliver, you have to eat or snack, unwind, take care of your hygiene. So the spouse can't be blamed if she (or he) feels like they're priority #9 on your list.
I don't need a whole lot of time or attention from my partner, but I do need him to make it count when it happens... and it simply can't happen when people are exhausted from a long day at the office, and rushing into bed because of delayed homecoming.
Sure, here's an opinion. Gen X, 54, loner but well aware how to cultivate and maintain relationships with women. I choose not to, by and large, but study the manosphere and other men's philosophies related to...relationships....quite a bit. Know thyself, know the nature of the game.
"Boyfriends don't spend enough time with them." A: Women are a complement, not the focus, of a man's life when a man's on his purpose and holding frame. A man needs to be his own mental point of origin. Men and women don't have that many hobbies and activities in common. One is hiking, and I enjoy hiking with other singles past year or so in-particular. But otherwise, it's mostly a function of compromise: some kinds of events I'm not into (museums and art galleries, floral shows, crafts, etc.) that women are into. Nor do I expect them to go to car shows, gun shops, and computer galleries.
Anyone stopping at a bar or other social outlet after work these days needs their head examined. That will change over time as the pandemic subsides, but at current not a great strategy to stay bug-free. Here's to hoping I never set foot in another office rest of my career: WFH suits my purposes just fine.
"Expecting" a spouse to do anything like get home right after work means someone's not in the other person's frame. Hopefully the man's controlling that, but a lot of death-by-1000-cuts guys out there who allow themselves to be dominated by a spouse. Who is invariably unhappy...
What makes you say men and women don't have that many hobbies and activities in common? Maybe that is why my former husband and my current boyfriend and I do all our things together. We do have lots in common. I'm pretty sure me talking about skid steers is what first hooked my boyfriend. Until I just recently sold a few to my ex, I had more guns than my bf did. We had a race car growing up. Please shoot me before dragging me to a floral show or a museum. Crafts are only fun when alcohol is involved. Since I am a girl, am I not allowed at the car show or gun shop? A few years ago I planned a vacation revolving around different hikes with my then husband. Current boyfriend has no interest in hiking. I have no interest in hiking without a partner.
Are you speaking about a particular situation when you say you hope the man is controlling that or speaking in general? Every situation is different - it's not about domination; it can be about respect. What if the other person is waiting on them to have dinner, do something that requires 2 people, put the kids to bed, etc. How do they know if the other person had a wreck or just made a stop? What if there is a money issue? If they do make a stop to do something 'social', are they making it up some way to the other person at home who didn't get to go do something fun?
I'm curious about a couple topics. Most likely they are just a "times have changed" thing but I'd love to hear what you all think. Please include your gender/age if you like
1. How much time do couples spend together? The first few months, the first year, committed relationship, etc. I hear a lot of (mostly) women saying that their boyfriends do not spend enough time with them. I feel like it has been almost normalized to spend a lot of time together right off the bat, like more than once a week when first dating to almost 24/7 a few months in.
2. Do people stop at the bar or other social outlet after work anymore? This is not about alcohol, that is a separate topic. I feel like people I talk to expect their married/living together significant others to come straight home after work. I often stop by the barn (horse barN not bar) on my way home and would expect anyone I dated to do so as well if that is their normal thing. I also sometimes stop by a bar with coworkers, etc., although not as often.
55, she/her/hers. Every couple is different. For me personally, even when I was married, I did not want my husband in my space all the time. I am independent, self-sufficient, and introverted, and I need time alone to take care of the things I need to take care of and to rest.
As for stopping at a bar or other social outlet, I think if you walked past any bar or restaurant at 5:00, you will see plenty of people there having drinks with coworkers or friends, even now depending on the region and local regulations. Happy hours do not suddenly become nonexistent just because one has a partner or spouse. People who live with a partner or spouse may be leave earlier, or single people may stay later, but that doesn't mean people who are partnered don't go. It sounds like the people you talk to are insecure, controlling, or needy, like they do not have friends or a life of their own outside of the relationship or marriage and rely on their partner to meet all of their emotional or companionship needs.
I would run, quickly, away from any man who made a stink if I went out with coworkers or friends after work. With coworkers, it is good for team-building and networking, and to blow off steam after a rough day with a jerky boss. With friends, it is to catch up with one another, lend an ear or lean on a shoulder, if necessary, or simply just have fun. No, a partner does not have to be part of every social interaction I have.
A healthy amount of time spent apart is good for a relationship, married or not. If spouses make the together time count for quality, they won't be in constant-togetherness hunger mode. But there's the rub. I've met very few people over my lifetime who knew how to spend quality time together. In the relationship context, quality time means that you set aside time to just hang out with each other, be each other's support and best friend, listen, really pay attention to what's happening for your partner emotionally.
IMO, this doesn't require inordinate amounts of time out of any given week. The problem is that people often don't know how to be a quality spouse. Going to Walmart together and discussing how the sale price of an item compares with one at Target does not count towards satisfying togetherness time. If that's the level of togetherness a couple is capable of and no more, it's going to make someone unhappy. (I've noticed that usually, the one that gets unhappy wants to deepen the intimacy, while the other is content with the status quo and the comfort of routine).
Before the pandemic, working couples generally spent upwards of 12 hours apart during the day; we have to sleep for another 7 to 8 at night, so the remaining windows during the workweek are pretty short. If you're also stopping by somewhere after work to hang out with someone other than your spouse, you're cutting that small space of time even shorter, and sending the message that other people take priority. Let's say you get home at 7 or 8 at night, and your and/or wife need to be in bed and falling asleep by 10. In that sliver, you have to eat or snack, unwind, take care of your hygiene. So the spouse can't be blamed if she (or he) feels like they're priority #9 on your list.
I don't need a whole lot of time or attention from my partner, but I do need him to make it count when it happens... and it simply can't happen when people are exhausted from a long day at the office, and rushing into bed because of delayed homecoming.
Good points.
It sounds unromantic, but while I would not want a partner involved in every social outing I have, I am the first to work with him to schedule or block off time just for him and just for fun, companionship, or adventure together. "Quality time" is my number one "love language." There are so many ways to do this, too. Instead of who cooks/who cleans dishes, bring home take-out now and then, sit outside when it is nice out, have a glass of wine, and talk, but not about house, work, kids, or errands. Go for a walk. Have low-tech game night--put together a jigsaw puzzle, play cards or a classic game (I had an ex who loved backgammon). Do a hobby together, or take one up together. I knew a couple who decided to take up amateur astronomy together, and whenever they spoke about it, I could tell they had a blast with it.
However, that does not have to be every day. Some days, yes, a partner will be priority #9 on my list. I would thoroughly expect to be #9 on his at times, too. In fact, I would actually welcome the break. This may seem incomprehensible to some people in the age of smartphones, texting, and instant gratification, but I once had a relationship where we had no contact with one another for oh my God, entire days! Imagine that! We would part ways on Sunday night and not even call one another until Tuesday. HORRORS!
In marriage #2, I felt like I had to ask permission to go fishing or something without her with me. And the guilt trip I got? "You're away from me and the kids while you're working and you can't spend a weekend with us?" In present marriage, she got mad at me for asking about going fishing. ( I don't drink so no need for bars) "If you want to go fishing, just tell me you're going. You don't have to have my permission." I'm 65, she's 71 and she's been like this since, and a little bit before, we got married 20 years ago.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
We had a thread on the fishing-weekend issue. The verdict was, that since fishing (or whatever weekend sport or leisure activity away from home) is usually a relatively rare occasion, say--maybe one weekend quarterly, give or take, it should be ok. There's couple time or family time, then there's "me time", which most people need or benefit from, on occasion.
What did you answer to that question? "You're away 5 days/week at work, can't you spend a weekend with us?" Did you say, "I spend every weekend with y'all, except for the few when I go fishing. What, you'd begrudge me occasional time away in nature?"
When she dishes out the guilt, you've never dished it right back? You just roll over and die? You don't stand up for yourself? A weekend of one's own now and then is a healthy thing.
Kygman is talking about two different marriages. But if he divorced from marriage #2, I can see why! "Asking permission" is an awful way to have a marriage. "Check with," to see if the other had any special plans for us that weekend, okay. But no, I would never "ask permission" and I would probably get just as annoyed as his current wife if a man asked me permission to do something.
What makes you say men and women don't have that many hobbies and activities in common? Maybe that is why my former husband and my current boyfriend and I do all our things together. We do have lots in common. I'm pretty sure me talking about skid steers is what first hooked my boyfriend. Until I just recently sold a few to my ex, I had more guns than my bf did. We had a race car growing up. Please shoot me before dragging me to a floral show or a museum. Crafts are only fun when alcohol is involved. Since I am a girl, am I not allowed at the car show or gun shop? A few years ago I planned a vacation revolving around different hikes with my then husband. Current boyfriend has no interest in hiking. I have no interest in hiking without a partner.
I think you are my people lol One of my goals this year is to get to the SEMA show in Vegas this coming November.
Kygman is talking about two different marriages. But if he divorced from marriage #2, I can see why! "Asking permission" is an awful way to have a marriage. "Check with," to see if the other had any special plans for us that weekend, okay. But no, I would never "ask permission" and I would probably get just as annoyed as his current wife if a man asked me permission to do something.
I was responding to what he said about the second marriage. A wife who tried to guilt him into spending 52 weekends/year with her.
I'm curious about a couple topics. Most likely they are just a "times have changed" thing but I'd love to hear what you all think. Please include your gender/age if you like
1. How much time do couples spend together? The first few months, the first year, committed relationship, etc. I hear a lot of (mostly) women saying that their boyfriends do not spend enough time with them. I feel like it has been almost normalized to spend a lot of time together right off the bat, like more than once a week when first dating to almost 24/7 a few months in.
2. Do people stop at the bar or other social outlet after work anymore? This is not about alcohol, that is a separate topic. I feel like people I talk to expect their married/living together significant others to come straight home after work. I often stop by the barn (horse barN not bar) on my way home and would expect anyone I dated to do so as well if that is their normal thing. I also sometimes stop by a bar with coworkers, etc., although not as often.
Where I live, in a more suburban area...couples pretty much live for each other and/or their families living locally.
There was this woman at work, married for 5 years, asked me after the weekend what kind of shennanigans I got into while in the big city an hour away from me....I told her....and I asked her what she did this weekend.
"My husband mowed the grass, I did the laundry (saturday)" (Sunday) "Sent the kids to grandma so we could watch Netlflix all day"
People are joined at the hip where they live, esp.if kids and family are involved.
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Imagine that! We would part ways on Sunday night and not even call one another until Tuesday. HORRORS!
