Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am really hoping to get some feedback from others that may have found themselves in a similar way on this topic. I love my girlfriend more than anything however seem to be struggling with things she has done in the past prior to us becoming an exclusive couple.
I know it’s wrong and I know and want o simply say that is none of my business and only look at her as who she is now. Especially since I myself have made questionable decisions and done things that I’m not proud of. When I say things it’s not even things that are all that bad, maybe a few no stings one night stands but nothing really beyond that and lord knows I’m no angel with that myself.
Regardless of how much I reason with myself it just sticks in my head no wont get out. just recently we had our first argument and I had a little too much to drink and I let all that pent up frustration out. It was terrible and I know I hurt her and never want to do that again. She doesn’t deserve that and is a wonderful woman.
I also know that if I am not comfortable with who she is than I should move on but that is not it at all, its stupid jealousy at its ugliest. I just dont get it,I dont think poorly of her and know these feelings are wrong. I have always and still am super confident and hardly ever jealous and don’t know if its different now because I am so much more in love with this woman that I have ever been with anyone else or what.
I'm glad you recognize this for what it is. It's actually a pretty good sign that you're struggling with it.
Jealousy springs from insecurity, and it usually springs from comparison. You're comparing her sexual experience to yours. On some level you have bought into the double standard. I would not say it is your fault, as that is the message you have recieved for decades already, if not through your upbringing or religion, then through the culture, and it is always hard to shake anything that is drilled into one's head from a young age. But it's good that you are not comfortable with your thoughts and feelings on this. Something inside is telling you they are neither rational nor conducive to love.
Regarding the thoughts sticking in your head and not getting out, I'm not going to tell you to just stop thinking those thoughts. Tell someone not to think of a pink elephant, and they will think of a pink elephant. But I will suggest that you find a way to jar your brain out of those thoughts when they happen. Pick a word or phrase to redirect your thoughts. It can be relevant ("she's with ME" or "that doesn't matter") or completely off the wall or unrelated (funniest one I've ever heard was "catnip printer cartridge"). Then when the thoughts come into your head, say it. If you're not alone, think it. The idea is to get your brain out of the rut.
Another suggestion I have is to step back from drinking if things are going to bubble up like that. This is not a moral judgment on you, but a nod to the reality that it's not productive to your relationship as it has shown that you can be hurtful when you drink.
For everyone else: This is why it is generally not a good idea to share much information about past relationships with another person. Before you ask someone questions or voluntarily share information like that, stop a minute and ask yourself if that is need-to-know information. Not want-to-know. NEED-to-know. Prior abuse at the hands of another? Need to know. Sexual activity with another? No need to know.
Hard to fight jealousy. It's a fairly pointless emotion but we're probably all guilty of feeling jealousy in some form. Nothing unnatural about that and especially if you found out some information on her that you didn't know before you started seeing her.
Best thing is to remember that YOU are the one now with her, not those other people. In some ways, it's like you've "won" the battle in your mind. She's not with any of them, she's with you. As time wears on you'll think about those things less and less and just the fact you're conscious of the jealousy might be enough to force yourself to stop dwelling on it when your mind begins to wander.
[quote=Seija;62864338]I'm glad you recognize this for what it is. It's actually a pretty good sign that you're struggling with it.
Jealousy springs from insecurity, and it usually springs from comparison. You're comparing her sexual experience to yours. On some level you have bought into the double standard. I would not say it is your fault, as that is the message you have recieved for decades already, if not through your upbringing or religion, then through the culture, and it is always hard to shake anything that is drilled into one's head from a young age. But it's good that you are not comfortable with your thoughts and feelings on this. Something inside is telling you they are neither rational nor conducive to love.
Regarding the thoughts sticking in your head and not getting out, I'm not going to tell you to just stop thinking those thoughts. Tell someone not to think of a pink elephant, and they will think of a pink elephant. But I will suggest that you find a way to jar your brain out of those thoughts when they happen. Pick a word or phrase to redirect your thoughts. It can be relevant ("she's with ME" or "that doesn't matter") or completely off the wall or unrelated (funniest one I've ever heard was "catnip printer cartridge"). Then when the thoughts come into your head, say it. If you're not alone, think it. The idea is to get your brain out of the rut.
Another suggestion I have is to step back from drinking if things are going to bubble up like that. This is not a moral judgment on you, but a nod to the reality that it's not productive to your relationship as it has shown that you can be hurtful when you drink.
For everyone else: This is why it is generally not a good idea to share much information about past relationships with another person. Before you ask someone questions or voluntarily share information like that, stop a minute and ask yourself if that is need-to-know information. Not want-to-know. NEED-to-know. Prior abuse at the hands of another? Need to know. Sexual activity with another? No need to know.[/quote]
I wonder why that is? Like...by the age of 35, LOTS of people have children. Physical evidence of sexual activity. Does the average brain turn that into "Yeah...but that was for the sake of procreation. It's not like she actually liked sex and was an active participant". I'm sincerely asking...what is the convoluted mind trick, that a guy (it's usually a guy) needs to do, to accept their lady liked sex before he came along?
I wonder why that is? Like...by the age of 35, LOTS of people have children. Physical evidence of sexual activity. Does the average brain turn that into "Yeah...but that was for the sake of procreation. It's not like she actually liked sex and was an active participant". I'm sincerely asking...what is the convoluted mind trick, that a guy (it's usually a guy) needs to do, to accept their lady liked sex before he came along?
It is usually not about whether she has had sex before, but with whom, how, and how many partners. There have been a lot of threads on this on this subforum, with guys fixating on numbers. Suffice it to say, it's Toxic Masculinity 101 that teaches men to have problems with women enjoying their sexuality as much as men enjoy theirs.
Conflict between what the mind believes to be rational and true, and yet emotional disturbance and discomfort is still there.
Your thinking mind believes that these things should not be the basis for judgment and rejection of your partner. Your heart, however, is feeling insecure.
For one thing, the early times of a relationship, in my experience, especially when you are deep in the honeymoon phase and in love, are full of insecure feelings. For me it was always a rollercoaster, full of euphoric highs and unstable lows. What helped alleviate that was first of all, time, and secondly, being honest about my feelings...especially that I was falling in love and feeling therefore vulnerable...and having my partner give me assurance and validation that they were also feeling in love. Because in the early-ish days...when you feel all that intense stuff, you are letting yourself be vulnerable. The more invested you are, the more possibility that you can be hurt.
It is easy to excuse ourselves by thinking that maybe our partner has done something wrong, to shift ownership of our emotional state to their shoulders, to be their burden to bear. But in this instance, what is past is past. There is no present behavior to be changed. Indulging this feeling means irrational levels of suspicion and paranoia, and possible sabotage of the connection. Which would land you in a "comfort of controlled failure" place....you have control over ending the relationship or destroying it, which alleviates the not-controlled part of what another person did or might do, which causes uncertainty and fear.
Thing is, I don't believe that we can or should always expect to control what we feel. If you have reasoned that you don't want to lose this relationship, that you truly value it, and that you want to trust her and keep this... The only path I know of, is to own and acknowledge that you feel a way about things, that it isn't rational even though it's there, and to personally unpack and manage those emotions. They are yours to find a way to deal with. A caring partner might acknowledge that you are in this process, and give you love and support you through it....but it's important to keep a good boundary there. Because she is not to be punished for your feelings, nor is she your therapist, and it's not her job to center her life around preserving your comfort at all times. Only you can heal you. She can't. Other than by living as a trustworthy and loving partner to you.
One thing though... Getting through this requires self control and self awareness. Both are seriously impaired when one drinks alcohol. You might consider limiting or eliminating drinking until you have processed all of this thoroughly and feel more comfortable. Understand...that could take years, to really do that work. Therapy may or may not help...it helps some a lot, and some not at all, and usually it depends on finding the right therapist who can meet you where you are and facilitate what you need.
I think that doing what you need to do here, to be a good partner to her and to have a healthy relationship, is possible even if it may not be easy. But another thing, too...you have to not engage in surveillance or controlling behavior, but SHE has to be a trustworthy partner. If there is ever another incident that damages trust, you really do need to walk away. No ultimatums, no drama, just...respect your own right to ethical behavior from your partner.
I am really hoping to get some feedback from others that may have found themselves in a similar way on this topic. I love my girlfriend more than anything however seem to be struggling with things she has done in the past prior to us becoming an exclusive couple.
I know it’s wrong and I know and want o simply say that is none of my business and only look at her as who she is now. Especially since I myself have made questionable decisions and done things that I’m not proud of. When I say things it’s not even things that are all that bad, maybe a few no stings one night stands but nothing really beyond that and lord knows I’m no angel with that myself.
Regardless of how much I reason with myself it just sticks in my head no wont get out. just recently we had our first argument and I had a little too much to drink and I let all that pent up frustration out. It was terrible and I know I hurt her and never want to do that again. She doesn’t deserve that and is a wonderful woman.
I also know that if I am not comfortable with who she is than I should move on but that is not it at all, its stupid jealousy at its ugliest. I just dont get it, I dont think poorly of her and know these feelings are wrong. I have always and still am super confident and hardly ever jealous and don’t know if its different now because I am so much more in love with this woman that I have ever been with anyone else or what.
Jealousy is usually manifested over a period of time for hundreds of reasons, mostly insecurities. I know a woman who was married a long time to a horrible womanizing jerk. She would tell me that the only time he showed her any tenderness was during sex. His womanizing through the years created deep scars and low self esteem, to the point that she believed her sexuality was the only thing going for her. If someone cheats on a person like that, it's not good. That person is so jealous that it's dangerous, they would kill over something like that. Jealous men are products of their upbringing as well. There are so many factors that cause jealously but the main thing that will help you is to work on your own wellbeing and self esteem. When you learn to love yourself, your body, your soul and the person you are, you are much less likely to feel jealousy, especially from something that happened before you ever came along. Everyone has a past, everyone has a life and it wouldn't be normal if we didn't. Also, you shouldn't listen to idle gossip about her or anything else, that is the past and this is now. Don't hurt someone that hasn't done anything wrong.
I have already determined that drinks are out until I can get on the otherside of this and it it takes therapy to assure this doesn’t impact her or our relationship then thats what I’ll do. I do believe it will fade away and its just the initial sting and surprise of it all. It’s been a long time since either of us have opened up to someone so there is a vulnerability there that is new for us. She is very open and I do trust her so that is not an issue at all. She did the right thing and i dont hold her accountable for how I feel. It’s my problem, not hers and she owns none of it.
When I first met her she was just very wholesome, never with anyone but her husband etc and then when we started dating to hear about these threw me. I think what really got me was a one night stand she had in the early stages of us talking that happened the night before we spent the day together.
I have already determined that drinks are out until I can get on the otherside of this and it it takes therapy to assure this doesn’t impact her or our relationship then thats what I’ll do. I do believe it will fade away and its just the initial sting and surprise of it all. It’s been a long time since either of us have opened up to someone so there is a vulnerability there that is new for us. She is very open and I do trust her so that is not an issue at all. She did the right thing and i dont hold her accountable for how I feel. It’s my problem, not hers and she owns none of it.
When I first met her she was just very wholesome, never with anyone but her husband etc and then when we started dating to hear about these threw me. I think what really got me was a one night stand she had in the early stages of us talking that happened the night before we spent the day together.
"Wholesome?" So now that she has had a one-night-stand, she is the opposite of that, somehow impure or immoral?
This is what I mean by toxic masculinity being insidious. It's obvious that it doesn't do women any favors, but the torment the OP is experiencing is an example of how it doesn't do men any favors, either.
"Wholesome?" So now that she has had a one-night-stand, she is the opposite of that, somehow impure or immoral?
This is what I mean by toxic masculinity being insidious. It's obvious that it doesn't do women any favors, but the torment the OP is experiencing is an example of how it doesn't do men any favors, either.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
