Quote:
Originally Posted by Floridaguy1975
I am really hoping to get some feedback from others that may have found themselves in a similar way on this topic. I love my girlfriend more than anything however seem to be struggling with things she has done in the past prior to us becoming an exclusive couple.
I know it’s wrong and I know and want o simply say that is none of my business and only look at her as who she is now. Especially since I myself have made questionable decisions and done things that I’m not proud of. When I say things it’s not even things that are all that bad, maybe a few no stings one night stands but nothing really beyond that and lord knows I’m no angel with that myself.
Regardless of how much I reason with myself it just sticks in my head no wont get out. just recently we had our first argument and I had a little too much to drink and I let all that pent up frustration out. It was terrible and I know I hurt her and never want to do that again. She doesn’t deserve that and is a wonderful woman.
I also know that if I am not comfortable with who she is than I should move on but that is not it at all, its stupid jealousy at its ugliest. I just dont get it, I dont think poorly of her and know these feelings are wrong. I have always and still am super confident and hardly ever jealous and don’t know if its different now because I am so much more in love with this woman that I have ever been with anyone else or what.
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I tend to think that jealousy in that form generally comes from one of two things:
1- Insecurity
2- Values and beliefs about how a "proper" woman should behave.
In other words, one is something that has to do with your perception of yourself, the others has to do with your perception of her.
It's yours to determine which it is by introspecting and finding out what exactly it is that triggers you about this.
The first part I divide also in two: it might be literal insecurity about one's ability to perform, that is, the fear that her past experiences will far exceed whatever you can bring her, or it might be a more narcissistic fear, rooted in the juvenile and petty (not judging... I've felt that myself in the past, although I'm free from that now) belief that you have to be the best of the best she's ever had (which her past experiences make you worried you can't realistically attain, or are facing too much competition).
Personally, I still sometimes worry about this first insecurity, which I think is not always completely irrational. But it's about sexual practices, not really about her past partners. Say a woman tells me stories that show she's into a level of kinkiness that I don't even come close to, I might worry that I won't be able to live up to her expectations, or that I will feel inadequate, even if she tells me she's not really into that stuff anymore. I'm not sure what to do about that. It's more about foretold sexual incompatibility.
But about past partners? Meh. I think it's about giving too much importance to sex, as if it was the single most important attribute you could have. The truth is, that person is with you now, not with her past relationships. If she wanted what they had to offer, she'd still be with them, or with someone like them. So there's that. By a certain age, the women you meet have all had plenty of experiences, and you just have to accept that realistically, there's a pretty good chance that you won't be the best. It's just a fact. Why would you be? What's so special about you? That's true for any woman you meet, not just the one you're with now. Just like there's a decent chance that they won't necessarily be the best you've had either.
That's where your perception of sex, and of yourself, need to change. It needs to stop being a competition, or a proving ground, and just something you share. Besides, if that can comfort you, you're more than likely getting the best version of her. Because the best version is the one with the most experience, which by definition, is always the one you meet at this point in time. She knows herself better, knows what she wants better, knows her way around a man better.
There is no version of her that exists without the accumulation of her experiences. That's true of sex, and of everything else. Take away any of these experiences and you take away part of her. She would not be who she is to you now without them.
As for the 2nd part, your perception of what is a proper way for a woman to act, well, that's on you. Maybe that is something you can change, maybe not. If what you know about her make you have less respect for her, or resent her, then maybe she just isn't the right person for you right now. But know that the problem there would be you, not her.
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