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Background: My husband has a wood-burning firepit in our backyard, 10-15 ft. from our house. We had a huge screaming fight yesterday (unusual for us) because I came home for lunch, found a fire burning unattended and said I was uncomfortable with that. I don't think my tone was confrontational. I wasn't angry about it. I just think it's unsafe and unwise. He started insisting that "everyone did it" and that the only way to make me happy was tear it out. I realized later that I had mentioned this in the past with no real response from him, so maybe he felt I was nagging.
I asked if there was someway to extinguish the fire. He said no, that the pit was so tight that water would make everything wet and it would take forever before he could use it again. During all of this, his voice kept getting higher and he just kept insisting he'd "tear it out." I kept trying to propose alternatives, and he replied that he was giving me the only alternative - tear it out, and he said I was paranoid about the fire pit. I felt like he was jumping from A (I'm concerned about an unattended fire) to Z (rip it out). Removing it would certainly eliminate my concern, but I know he enjoys it.
I admit that I was having an incredibly stressful day at work. I left and returned to work without eating lunch, slamming the door on my way out. Juvenile, I know and not something I normally do. It's been 24 hours and we're still not really speaking. We both obviously feel the other person is at fault.
I realize this is my side of it, but I've tried to be as impartial as possible. I really want to know if I was out of line. If so, I'll apologize.
First of all, never apologize until you have had ample time to think, regroup, look at things from his side and make a determination about how you feel. If you feel like you really owe him an apology then by all means apologize.
However, I personally don't think you did or said anything wrong. You had every right to be concerned about an unattended fire at your home, regardless of whether it was or was not a direct threat to your home and family. I'm not sure what "rip it out" actually entails, but when I grill on my wood deck, before i go to bed I check to see if the coals are completely out and if not, I pour a pitcher of water on it just to be safe.
We had fireplaces in our homes in the past and I did not like going to sleep with a fire burning and people do that al the time. I, myself, would rather be safe than sorry. I would stand my ground. Now, if you handled the verbal part of this wrong you may owe him an apology but i would not apologize for expecting him to attend or put out a burning fire.
It sounds like for whatever reason, the fire pit is very important to him. Since arguing is rare for your relationship, I wouldn't dig in on this issue. I would explain that you love that he loves his fire pit and that you don't want it gone but that it just makes you anxious when it's left unattended. Seems like there is an easy compromise to be had.
Fire pits generally should be 10' or more from any structure or flammable area.
In February I really would not care, in Aug I would. Why don't you tear it out and build it farther out with an attached patio for parties and bonfires?
Last Saturday I went out and he left his fire pit burning- I actually asked and he said it was fine. It was- he is super safe and the thing is 100' from anything and it is Feb in western WA State.
It's usually illegal by city ordinance to leave a burning fire pit unattended. Also one of the big safety rules regarding fire pits. It just takes one tiny ember.
Your husband is wrong, responded immaturely and is undeserving of an apology. The old "everybody does it". He owes you one and puts your property at risk.
This is why we can't have nice things. Most fires are due to somebody's stupid neglect.
Fire safety is important. If the pit is built in such a way that fire can't be put out by water or an extinguisher, that's not great. Ten feet from your house is not very far. I live in a city that has strict regulations about these things, but you still have to be mindful. He can have his fire pit, but he also needs to make sure he's being responsible.
It sounds like for whatever reason, the fire pit is very important to him. Since arguing is rare for your relationship, I wouldn't dig in on this issue. I would explain that you love that he loves his fire pit and that you don't want it gone but that it just makes you anxious when it's left unattended. Seems like there is an easy compromise to be had.
It's usually illegal by city ordinance to leave a burning fire pit unattended. Also one of the big safety rules regarding fire pits. It just takes one tiny ember.
Your husband is wrong, responded immaturely and is undeserving of an apology. The old "everybody does it". He owes you one and puts your property at risk.
This is why we can't have nice things. Most fires are due to somebody's stupid neglect.
This makes sense. There's city ordinances and then there's your house insurance company. I doubt they would be on your husband's side on this either. Both of those legal matters trump whatever the argument was about. Can you spell LIABILITY?
So if the city comes snooping? Someone complains? God forbid your house catches fire. God forbid a neighbor's house catches fire. The insurance company will be looking for fault. Fire investigators will be looking for causes.
It's usually illegal by city ordinance to leave a burning fire pit unattended. Also one of the big safety rules regarding fire pits. It just takes one tiny ember.
Your husband is wrong, responded immaturely and is undeserving of an apology. The old "everybody does it". He owes you one and puts your property at risk.
This is why we can't have nice things. Most fires are due to somebody's stupid neglect.
That depends on how it was proffered. If she forgets to change out the batteries of the fire alarm he may yell at her as he pleases? if she asked nicely and then he blew up, then very well , there is not reason to apologize. it has nothing to do with the validity of the safety risk.
Real issues are not platforms to unleash other baggage, unless of course one wants to let simple things spiral out of control.
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