Dating a widower, love him dearly but I think it might be time to call it a day (ladies, lover)

[franklin_mac]

Get a windower next time, more job security.

[Pammyd]

Originally Posted by alwayshappy

Please bear with me. First of all I would like to say that losing anyone close to you is a nightmare, especially when they have left small children behind. I do understand that my partner has had a hard road and has his own grief to cope with. This question is from my own point of view. I met him 5-6 months after his wife died 13 months ago, he was on a dating web site and looking for a partner. We hit it off, we got on really well, found we had a lot in common and being together made us both happy. I was so naive, I had no idea of the extent of his grief and maybe if I had known I would have run. My children are young, three under 7, he has two around the same age as my older 2. I really have to think of all our kids too, what is best for them.
OK, apart from everything else, this issue has come to light and it is not one I am happy about at all. His ex-partner (I know, what an awful word, his dead partner sounds worse though) family is having a party for a distant uncles 50th. They invited him weeks ago, he told me about it and we made plans to go. However, just a week before it is about to happen, he finally told them he was bringing me, they said they didn't think that would be a good idea. None of her immediate family will be there, her parents are dead and he is completely estranged from her siblings. These are distant relatives. However because he is estranged from her family, the others feel that if I am there other distant family members will be offended and they might say somehting nasty and overshadow the uncle's birthday celebrations.
I said that's fine, I guess you won't be going then? A couple of months ago I was invited to a wedding in another country, he wasn't. I made the decision not to go as I felt that he should have been invited and given as much importance as my ex-husband would have been. I explained this to the bride and she said she understood but space was limited. We didn't argue, I just explained I wouldn't be coming as she had excluded my partner.
But he is going to his party, and he doesn't understand why I have a problem with this.
His house is a SHRINE to her, many photos, her clothes still in the drawers and wardrobe, her cosmetics still in the bathroom. The last outfit she wore still in the clothes hamper in the bathroom. THere is one tiny photo of me in that house, and I have voiced my unhappiness about it. He says the photos are for his children, whom he does not want to forget about their mother. I agree that the children should not forget their Mum, and do not want him to remove anything unless he wants to. But as his girlfriend of over a year, I think that when I walk out of his house there should be some sign in there that I am important to him.
He tells me he loves me constantly, and how his life has changed in so many positive ways since we met, and that he wants to be with me.
But I feel he is living 2 lives and although I have told him this he has changed nothing. I am very tired and frustrated.
I want to know what others would do in my situation.
Please help and thanks in advance

Evidently it appears that your "boyfriend" has not gotten over the death of his wife as evidenced in her clothing, makeup and other belongings not being put aside or stored yet. I don't know how you can be with him with so much of her still around. He has got to finish grieving before he jumps into another relationship...he doesn't seem to have begun the process yet and you are caught right in the middle of his missing his wife.
I lost a husband when he was 42 years old, massive heart attack. I dated maybe two years after his death but didn't get serious with anyone for 8 years total. I needed that time to be sad, to remember him, and to understand why he died so young.
It just is not fair for your boyfriend to want the companionship and love from a new woman when the deceased wife is still so very much in his heart. It is not fair to you or to your kids.
My advice? Move on, give him some time and room to grieve. My concern is that he went online just to find the physical companionship with another woman. Don't let that be the reason he stays with you.
Give yourself some space and breathing room. Get away from all this mass confusion then if somewhere down the road he is still interested in you, give it a go then. Until he is willing to put her things away, bring you into his life with his whole heart and make you the #1 lady in his life free yourself and see what else is out there for you. Good Luck.

[skaternum]

Maybe it's just my perspective as a widow, but WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE THINKING when you get involved with someone who lost a spouse only MONTHS before?? You seem to want to blame the widow/er for not moving on, but how or why would they? If you jump into a relationship with them so soon, it tells them that their stage of grieving or their behavior is okay. When clearly it is not. Why would you date someone whose home is a shrine to an ex-spouse? Did that not tip you off that they still have unresolved grief and issues? Men, in particular, always have trouble dealing with relationship loss, whether it's a divorce or death. Why wold you get involved with someone before there's even grass on the grave?

Sorry for sounding harsh, but YOU must shoulder an equal share of the blame. If it quacks like a duck, it's a duck. If it acts like an grieving widow/er, it's a grieving widow/er.

[srjth]

Hmm... I would totally date a widower. But only if it's been at least a year since his wife passed, as I'm not sure I could handle going through the intense pain of the grieving of a spouses death they experience during that first year. Sometimes it's better (or more appropriate) to just be a good platonic friend during that 1st year. They need it.

[NWGirl74]

To those responding to the OP, this thread was started 5 years ago, just FYI. Seem to be periodically resurrected.

Originally Posted by Oyuki

Someone else mentioned that they think widowers and widows should date within that pool of people. I would have to say ideally that would be best. I understand that would limit the possible people to choose from so I see why they don't but unless you have lost a spouse it's very difficult understand the perspective.

This is like saying divorced should only date divorced and never married should only date never married. I was widowed at 34. At 39 now, in the last 5 years, I've met maybe 6-7 widowers in my age range (through the Meetup group I run specifically for those widowed under 50). Yes, we lost the person we planned to spend our lives with but it takes more than that to make a relationship successful. Just like any other relationship, there needs to be common interests and attraction.

It is a myth largely perpetrated by Hollywood that it only takes a year to get over the lose of a spouse. Newsflash: we do NOT all wake up on day 366 (or 367 if they died in a leap year) all better. THERE IS NO ALL BETTER. That does not mean we cannot still go on and love other people and have successful relationships and even second marriages, but there are still constant reminders we can't escape: birthdays, wedding anniversaries, kid's accomplishments the other parent is not there to share, etc.

It takes a special person to love someone who has been widowed. It takes someone who understands that there was someone before them and that neither party chose for the relationship to end. It takes patience and a lot of selflessness. It's not easy and it's not easy for us either unless you are one of those who chooses not to try to move forward with your life (and yes those do exist-but they usually also don't try to date). Grief is unpredictable. But on the flip side, at least a widowed person can say their last relationship was successful.

ETA: The last guy I dated was a never married 39 year old. He was the most emotionally unavailable person I've ever met. They come in all shapes and sizes.

[NWGirl74]

Originally Posted by srjth

Hmm... I would totally date a widower. But only if it's been at least a year since his wife passed, as I'm not sure I could handle going through the intense pain of the grieving of a spouses death they experience during that first year. Sometimes it's better (or more appropriate) to just be a good platonic friend during that 1st year. They need it.

Sadly, so much of the 1st year is spent in such a numb state that it's not uncommon for the first part of the second year to be really intense as well.

[lilyflower3191981]

I think it is possible and wonderful to find love again after the loss of a loved one. I often feel people don't care about what others went through. That is why they like to judge others based on their own biased personal opinion. I don't like to share "feelings" with strangers because it is like to explain color to a blind person. Nobody can really relate to what I have gone through.

After losing my first boyfriend to a total unexpected suicide, my world definitely turned upside down. I spent the first year crying, moaning, throwing myself a self pity party. NO matter what I did, there was little relief or comfort. I went through two years of intense grief therapy and realized I did not do anything wrong to contribute to his death. I am not responsible for his illness, issues, or death. He was an extremely successful lawyer and I would always love him maybe till the day I die.

Most men I dated after him didn't realize that they don't have to compare themselves to a perfect "angel." I truly appreciate each and every dating experience with all these gentlemen and thank them from the bottom of my heart for giving me a chance to get to know me as a person, not just "a woman with emotional baggage."

I've never compared anybody to my lost loved one. However, the new man needs to accept that part of my heart will always belong to my lost loved one because all he gave me was love.

Grieving the loss of love means fully feeling and then releasing all the painful emotions that come up when we reflect on our loss. The biggest mistake we can make during the grieving process is to move on too quickly. Some widows jump to another relationship way too quickly in order to numb the pain, they end up getting hurt all over again.

I am very lucky that the men I met are all very understanding. I have always been attracted to the super hero, protector kind. So it worked out well for me. My current boyfriend is a very understanding man. He told me he would be surprised if I didn't feel love towards my ex. One reason he found me irresistible is because I am a very loyal person.

Obviously, he "gets" me. He gets the inner emotional need of a suicide survivor.

It takes a very special somebody to understand the special needs of a widow. But losses make me grow, I don't take anybody for granted. I appreciate the people in my life. Grief teaches me to be more affectionate and compassionate, less judgmental.

[Oyuki]

Originally Posted by NWGirl74

It takes a special person to love someone who has been widowed. It takes someone who understands that there was someone before them and that neither party chose for the relationship to end. It takes patience and a lot of selflessness. It's not easy and it's not easy for us either unless you are one of those who chooses not to try to move forward with your life (and yes those do exist-but they usually also don't try to date). Grief is unpredictable. But on the flip side, at least a widowed person can say their last relationship was successful.

Yes "special person" I agree... Caveat emptor.... because grief IS unpredictable, some people take months, some years and some never recover and a grieving person may not be willing or able to let you know how truly emotionally ready they are. Emotionally protect yourself is all I'm saying.

[lyndacolleen]

I just said good-bye to a widower I was dating and adored for some time. At the beginning of our relationship, we were happy: laughing, talking, affectionate; we had so much in common. Suddenly, it seemed as though survivor's guilt took hold of him, and he became distant, and in some cases, downright mean. He admitted once that he felt guilty for being so happy. He exhibited all the same behaviors, especially about the shrine that was his house: everything in the house is still the way it was when she was alive: they built the house together 24 years ago; he still lives there with everything in tact---even the clothes in the closet, her jewelry, her desk and papers, her sewing machine, the spare bedroom piled with boxes of her things, and pictures around the house. I tried to be there for him, to talk things over with him, to be a friend (so hard, since we had been lovers). I suggested he see a grief counsellor, which he did. But after 7 weeks of that, his behavior became worse. The counselor conduct the sessions IN HIS HOUSE (the shrine), and stirring up all the memories catapulted him even further into his grief. His wife has been dead for 3 years. I finally left, heartbroken, knowing that I was powerless to do anything, but I had to take charge of my own life. I have too much respect for myself to be treated badly. I read a message recently that hit me between the eyes like a 2-by-4: " If a thing hurts your eyes, stop looking at it. If it hurts your ears, stop listening to it. If it hurts your heart, stop justifying it." You can't compete with a ghost; the ghost always wins.

[ocnjgirl]

Ugh, I can't believe I just wasted 10 minutes of my life reading a thread that turns out to be 7 years old!