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I was wondering why a 5 year old thread was bumped. I briefly dated a widower (no kids)and the problem I have seen with him was his wife's death was recent and he wasn't ready to move on. He looked at me like a replacement since I looked like her. I have since found out he only dated me because of this.
I'm not sure I'd date a widower unless his wife's death was long ago. I would date a widower with kids as long as they were young I think.
Please don't waste anymore time with this man...I am in a similar situation. The only differece is I've met all of his kids. He is 50 and I just turned 30. I've know this man for over 5 years. He constantly tells me to have patience and one day things will work out. This has been the most draining relationship I've ever been in. I've cried many days because it seems as if I'm constantly on the back burner. Also, my WB is extremely close to his older daughter ,therefore,whenever he is with me and she calls its like he can't tell her he's with mme. Its almost as if she is his wife and I'm the secret mistress...this relationship has caused me a lot of stressed its only by God's grace that I've been able to make straight A's in college and deal with all of this too. The widower has his own business and he has three kids...he's always saying how much he has on his plate...I say all this to say please don't waste your years on someone who has so much going on in their life (emotionally because. He ca n't love you until he first deals with his children's problems with helping them get through all of this. And secondly until he realizes if he doest get on board with whomever he is involved with, then one day he is going to have many. regerts and too he will find himself being a lonely old man..just saying
And I forget to mention you have to teach people how to treat you...I cut off the physical part of our relationship...I told him I feel like I'm only a booty call...so I stopped vinx wh him...he can't have some of me without taking full responsibility...men love to have their cake and eat it to...we women have to be strong enough to realize when to take the cake from them...we have leverage we just can't bhe afraid to use it. If u want any resolve and want to show this man your worth him putting you first you have tt your foot down and explain to him in laments terms that until he is ready to have serious relationship like a normal adult...you are going to have to move on. I know you may be afraid of being alone...but your alone most of the time anyways...in short, I know you are a good women and you have a lot to give. There are men who are dying to meet a good woman like yourself...don't settle for less...life is too short to be wasting time with men who only have their family's interest in heart..and only think about you when he needs a warm body or brief conversation...if you love yourself leave this man immediately..he'll find someone else he can use for three more years until his daughters run her off as well...his daughters are what he need right now...and you can't compete with that they will win everytime until "he" wants you to win which will probably be years down the road.
I know this post is very old but I found it very helpful so I'm wanted to post a comment. I'm dating a widower now for about 6 months it has got to be one of the most torturous relationships I've ever had. Like others have said here, the highs are wonderful and the lows nearly unbearable. I'm divorced and if I thought divorced men could be emotionally available I had no idea how much worse it is for widowers. We met about nine months after his wife lost to a five year battle with cancer. He is a wonderful person, intelligent, interesting, attractive early 50's man. We have many common interests and during the good times it can be incredible. I naively thought I could help him get through it and I can completely understand why he would seek out love, sex and companionship. However it's become clear that he can't give me the relationship I need. Dealing with his mood swings, the depression, the PTSD all of it is a lot to take on he makes me cry frequently. I feel like I'm offering him a lot, I'm attractive, intelligent, kind, have a good job and all of this makes him not want to let go of me. But then he will say things like he's numb., doesn't feel anything, has nothing to live for ..etc. I feel as though the things I have to offer him mean nothing. Also he still has all her stuff over the house over a year after she died. At least he has no pictures in the bedroom but the entire house is as if she still lives there. That's getting a bit old. I don't want him to just get rid of everything and I do respect the fact that he was a loving faithful husband. I think it would be a bad sign if he just got rid of everything and moved on as if she was never there, not saying that at all, however there needs to be some balance. I have offered to help him and I don't want to rush him but I do think it's a giant red flag.
Someone else mentioned that they think widowers and widows should date within that pool of people. I would have to say ideally that would be best. I understand that would limit the possible people to choose from so I see why they don't but unless you have lost a spouse it's very difficult understand the perspective.
If you are a woman dating a widower I caution you to be careful giving away your heart. In the future I will deselect the "widower option" on the dating sites.
Nine months is not a very long time, Oyuki. I know people grieve in different ways. My own father found a woman one year after my mother died and married her four months later. They were married for about eight years before he himself passed away. So, again, it is different for everyone. For me, I simply cannot imagine being in a relationship that soon if my wife died.
Joe I'm glad it worked out for your dad. My experience has been more like the OP and other posters dating widowers. I'm mainly kicking myself because I knew in my heart that nine months was not enough time. I'm hoping that we can take a break or pull back so that he can heal and grieve.
Holy cow, it's not even been 1.5 yrs since she died! And it had been only 9 months when you started dating him. Of course he's not over it, especially if she was sick that long. How could you think a grieving widower could put that behind him in a matter of months?
I am a widow. I didn't even THINK about dating that soon. That's just crazy. I waited until I felt like I'd moved through most of my grieving. I know other widows & widowers who have successfully entered new relationships, so please don't generalize about us that way. Your problem was getting involved with someone who was clearly actively grieving. Rather than warning the world to avoid widowers, you should warn the world to avoid unhealthy, grieving widowers. Big difference.
Well I applaud you for waiting until you were "ready" to enter a full relationship. Like myself and other posters have mentioned we have not lost a spouse so when someone is telling us they are ready we choose to believe them. If I had read this forum before getting involved with him I would of trusted my gut more, so my warning stands.
I met a widower 3 months after he lost his wife. He was still in pain but through constant encouragement and prayer, he started looking alright according to me. We started hitting off after six months and things were going on well for us. Every morning called and texted to tell me how much in love he is with me. He has bought me gifts, took me for holiday in Italy and virtually done everything a man would do to a woman he truly loves, but has never introduced me to his children, family or friends. He still wears his late wife's ring, has pictures of her in his office and house and her clothes are still in the closet two years down the line. I have tried to encourage him to get rid of them but he seems not to be in a hurry to do so. He has 3 daughters with his wife and i have 2 children from a previous relationship. When we met, we agreed on how to blend our two families into one.
Late last year, his business which i am made to understand was doing very well when his wife was alive started experiencing serious financial challenges. Since i have a job and living in a different town, i tried all i could to be supportive of him but the one can only do so much. This brought a lot of strain in our relationship, the calls became less, texting and visits went down drastically. He started being withdrawn, disinterested and always in deep thought.
Last week he sent me a message to call off our relationship.
So it has been 13 months since she died and he still has her last outfit she wore in the laundry??? Not good. I assume you are living with him and helping to raise his children along with yours? As far as the party goes I would be unhappy about it since you did not go to the wedding because he wasn't invited. Of course we are talking about a wedding in another country as opposed to a family gathering not far away. In general I do not think you should be living together. He is still grieving and it doesn't sound like he is close to being over her. It is going to be very hard for him to grieve and be with you fully at the same time. I think I would get a place of my own with my kids and see how it goes from there.
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old post but very helpful
