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The problem is with his controlling behavior and essentially punishing her for his lack of social skills.
It's pretty straightforward. Partners in a healthy relationship trust one another and want each other to enjoy the most they can of life.
The minute anyone tries to impose limits on his or her partner's reasonable interactions with others, it's controlling. Do it to the point of being pervasive and it borders on emotional abuse.
The problems that she describes in the S/O are such that I can't imagine this relationship being rewarding.
Me? I'm a guy who works in an industry where there are lots of smart, well-heeled women. I've met with them, traveled with them (Once for two weeks), eaten with them, and enjoyed a cocktail with them after work. In fact, some of them have become really good friends with my wife over time. In fact, we're going to France with one of them and her husband this summer for two weeks.
I cannot imagine what my life would have been like had I had to constantly buttress my wife's flagging self-esteem before every business trip or appointment because of her chronic lack of trust.
Don't see it as an issue of trust. I see it as an issue of incompatibility.
Someone not liking their companion getting into conversations with others when they go out isn't controlling. They like what they like. There are plenty of people who would think the same way. It's a valid point of view.
These two aren't on the same page. He's resentful of her, she's resentful of him. They have different styles of socializing. Doesn't make one "bad" and the other "good" they're just different.
Point being, if neither one is willing to change their socializing style it's time to move on. Playing the blame game--I'm right and he's wrong!--is a waste of time.
When my husband and I go to parties we go in opposite directions immediately, find each other an hour or so later. We're compatible. But there are others for whom that wouldn't work. That's okay too.
If I went away with a coworker for two weeks my husband would have a problem with it. And so would I. What kind of work trip takes two weeks?
Last edited by RubyandPearl; 04-13-2022 at 11:53 AM..
Not really validation, just to see if anyone else experienced this or did it get better once they moved in together, but from what I am guessing, it's a no.
Nope, it gets worse. Speaking from personal experience.
If the conversation doesn't change anything you have to ask yourself if you could live with that forever. How important is it to you, can you maybe compromise? Give him an extra level of assurance? Include him in the conversations? Ignore his behavior? Focus more on him when you go out? Yes, it sounds stupid, but if he NEEDS this, would you do that for him?
Put it into perspective - outside of this behavior, is he a great partner? If you cut him lose, would your life be better without him? Do you truly, deeply love him?
If this is his only flaw, I think this isn't the worst.
The problem is with his controlling behavior and essentially punishing her for his lack of social skills.
It's pretty straightforward. Partners in a healthy relationship trust one another and want each other to enjoy the most they can of life. Yet you seem to advocate that she stop being who she is to conform to his own strange worldview.
The minute anyone tries to impose limits on his or her partner's reasonable interactions with others, it's controlling. Do it to the point of being pervasive and it borders on emotional abuse.
The problems that she describes in the S/O are such that I can't imagine this relationship being rewarding.
Me? I'm a guy who works in an industry where there are lots of smart, well-heeled women. I've met with them, traveled with them (Once for two weeks), eaten with them, and enjoyed a cocktail with them after work. In fact, some of them have become really good friends with my wife over time. So much so, we're going to France with one of them and her husband this summer for two weeks.
I cannot imagine what my life would have been like had I had to constantly buttress my wife's flagging self-esteem before every business trip or appointment because of her chronic lack of trust.
I totally agree! I trust my partner implicitly and will always trust him unless he gives me a reason not to! Healthy relationships operate that way. I never interrupt him if he is having a conversation with someone else, female or male! Like someone else said, maybe we aren't compatible. I guess we are not, because I trust in my partner until I am given a reason not to, it's supposed to work that way.
Hoo...man. Your OP reminded me so much of my first husband that it made my body tense up. For a second I actually wondered if you were dating him (he's about that age.) Like a smidge of a PTSD trigger almost. But unlike you, I was 18 when he got his hooks in me, and I didn't get out until I was 36. I won't pretend it was a nightmare from start to finish, sometimes it was tolerable, occasionally it was good, but when it was bad it was REALLY bad. Like unforgivably bad. And what you're seeing early on, is closer to the best it's gonna get than the worst in my opinion. So no, I don't think it gets better. Some of us learn to cope because we feel we must until everything finally goes so sideways it hits rock bottom and we escape, but you are no 18 year old. You don't need this. Being alone is better than being in a bad relationship.
OK so maybe there are women out there who are similar in that they don't really have other connections that they hold to be really meaningful and for all they care the two of 'em could sit in a corner and stare at each other for eternity. Maybe there are women who are similarly insecure who would be a better match for him. But I can tell that's not you any more than it's me.
So I'm supposed to stay silent and not speak to others while we are out with friends? Is that what I am supposed to do?
Nobody has said that, I certainly did not. But there is a difference between quick chit chat in passing and carrying on a long convo when you are on a date.
Nobody has said that, I certainly did not. But there is a difference between quick chit chat in passing and carrying on a long convo when you are on a date.
You and I are in agreement on this.
It's not about trust, it's about being considerate to the person you're with. And what that person's expectations are.
When you're in a relationship you're no longer single, it's not just about you anymore. There's the person you claim to care about.
If two people have an underlying incompatibility then it's time to recognize it and move on. It's not necessary to turn someone into a villain just because the two don't see eye to eye.
Nobody has said that, I certainly did not. But there is a difference between quick chit chat in passing and carrying on a long convo when you are on a date.
I wasn't on a date lol, we were out with a bunch of people.
Hoo...man. Your OP reminded me so much of my first husband that it made my body tense up. For a second I actually wondered if you were dating him (he's about that age.) Like a smidge of a PTSD trigger almost. But unlike you, I was 18 when he got his hooks in me, and I didn't get out until I was 36. I won't pretend it was a nightmare from start to finish, sometimes it was tolerable, occasionally it was good, but when it was bad it was REALLY bad. Like unforgivably bad. And what you're seeing early on, is closer to the best it's gonna get than the worst in my opinion. So no, I don't think it gets better. Some of us learn to cope because we feel we must until everything finally goes so sideways it hits rock bottom and we escape, but you are no 18 year old. You don't need this. Being alone is better than being in a bad relationship.
OK so maybe there are women out there who are similar in that they don't really have other connections that they hold to be really meaningful and for all they care the two of 'em could sit in a corner and stare at each other for eternity. Maybe there are women who are similarly insecure who would be a better match for him. But I can tell that's not you any more than it's me.
My advice?
Don't walk. Run.
Thank you!! I was looking for someone who had been in a similar situation and had some words of wisdom and experience as to if it will only get worse.
I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I'm old school and try my best to make a relationship work, I look at it from all angles and give it my best shot. But it seems like he will only get worse with time. Oh yeah, I do love my alone time, I'm 52 and certainly don't need this lol.
Yes, there are people out there that are like that. He talks more than me most days anyways lol. He can be more social than me at times but I never ever do these things to him.
Be well and thanks for the advice.
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