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What is self-deprecating humor? Is it related to self pity and tearing yourself down and talking about yourself like "I'm just a piece of trash. Yeah, what an ugly loser I am haha"
With the Aspie guys I know their sense of humor comes from being really honest. The Aspie guy at work who didn't understand what a work wife was and just being willing to acknowledge that he has no clue what that meant, and the honesty involved in that, got others to laugh. It created that nervous laughter of recognition where everyone kind of realized that he didn't get it.
But you aren't going for self loathing. You aren't a piece of trash. You aren't an ugly loser.
You are a person who means well, but sometimes says the wrong thing at the wrong time and is willing to laugh along with others when that happens.
One other thought, I would seriously look into signing up for an introduction improv acting class.
If small talk is a weakness, well a lot of the lessons that they teach you to keep an improv scene going are also the same skills you can use to keep a conversation going. So they have this rule about saying "yes and..." where you acknowledge the point the last person said and then you make a point with more elaboration. They will also help you see how humor works with idea like agreeing and amplifying to absurdity. Also they will give you a lot of warm up exercises, but a lot of those are types of games, but a lot of flirting involves a lot of these same types of games, so they will get you better attuned to the rhythm of how flirtation works.
Some of the things you will say will make others laugh and your ability to laugh along with them or not get defensive is the Aspie version of a sense of humor.
When I have talked to women who are dating Aspie guys, the reason they agreed to date these guys was they felt that they could trust him and with other guys that wasn't always the case. Aspie guy's miss too many social cues to lie effectively, but that is also their dating strength, they are awful liars.
These are 2 points that sum it up for me, very good Shelato! My first bf told me he had a very nice date planned for us. I tried not to laugh as I hadn’t agreed to any date, he came across as very confident.
I also met another man later in life, after I understood what aspie meant, who’s honesty would really rile me up at times, but there’s no arguing with the truth, take it or leave it. I.e.: “Yes, I’m texting my old gf. We are friends and adults, I will continue to do so.”
I think a lot of women value qualities in a man they don’t know has been diagnosed with anything, and a lot of people go around undiagnosed.
The problem with trying to fake your way through humor is first a lot of your efforts will seem cringe, but the bigger problem is that it is insincere.
Yeah, lose the cutesy lines. Those are only good for compiling on websites so people can have a laugh over them. Just have a conversation like a normal person; you don't have to try "pickup lines." And no, there's no need to "flirt." It can be fun with the right person, but not everyone is even into it. Again... just have a conversation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shelato
But I think what dominated here was not looks but having an opportunity to get to know each other slowly in a low stakes environment.
Also this. Looks are important if you're hoping to walk up to someone on the street whom you don't know anything about and expect them to go on a date with you despite the fact that they also don't know anything about you. Better to just... get to know people and find out whether you even like them before you have the pressure of a date, IMO.
With the Aspie guys I know their sense of humor comes from being really honest. The Aspie guy at work who didn't understand what a work wife was and just being willing to acknowledge that he has no clue what that meant, and the honesty involved in that, got others to laugh. It created that nervous laughter of recognition where everyone kind of realized that he didn't get it.
But you aren't going for self loathing. You aren't a piece of trash. You aren't an ugly loser.
You are a person who means well, but sometimes says the wrong thing at the wrong time and is willing to laugh along with others when that happens.
I tend to agree with that. Although my method for saying awkward/weird things is to sometimes be silent and not worry too much as a reaction.
It's been a recent revelation that the types of women who prefer a boisterous, loudmouth personality are not the women I'd be interested in. A few social examples could help:
-7 people including me were sitting at a Whataburger table and one person told their vacation trip in Greece about driving to a remote area so one guy interjected "you gonna get kidnapped (cocky laughing) then that stranger picks up your phone and tells your parents she in a gang (MORE COCKY LAUGHING)"
-A more casual example are two people arguing (in a nice way) about Crumble cookie store opening up and one person says "it's dough with no sugar. Not a cookie" and another says "you don't get how they make them. It's brilliant". I respond by stating facts. "We have a crumble cookie shop in my hometown and the traffic is heavy so that would imply people like it". One girl who was on the table with me would nod and say "yeah ok" while laughing a lot at the other guys who'd argue "dude... sthaap haha"
I tend to state facts and reasoning so I wouldn't fit with some women. That's probably the biggest reason why I've been single very long. Looking for a quality person.
I tend to agree with that. Although my method for saying awkward/weird things is to sometimes be silent and not worry too much as a reaction.
It's been a recent revelation that the types of women who prefer a boisterous, loudmouth personality are not the women I'd be interested in. A few social examples could help:
-7 people including me were sitting at a Whataburger table and one person told their vacation trip in Greece about driving to a remote area so one guy interjected "you gonna get kidnapped (cocky laughing) then that stranger picks up your phone and tells your parents she in a gang (MORE COCKY LAUGHING)"
-A more casual example are two people arguing (in a nice way) about Crumble cookie store opening up and one person says "it's dough with no sugar. Not a cookie" and another says "you don't get how they make them. It's brilliant". I respond by stating facts. "We have a crumble cookie shop in my hometown and the traffic is heavy so that would imply people like it". One girl who was on the table with me would nod and say "yeah ok" while laughing a lot at the other guys who'd argue "dude... sthaap haha"
I tend to state facts and reasoning so I wouldn't fit with some women. That's probably the biggest reason why I've been single very long. Looking for a quality person.
So it sounds like you have some friend's. A lot of the social rules for interacting with women are the same for interacting with men, but they are easier to pick up from men than women. So you definitely want to keep and grow the number of guy friend's you have. As you get more, guy friend's, you will pick up some female friends. Initially just try to get more female friends.
In general, even with non-aspy guys, but this is especially true for aspy guys you are much more likely to lose a girl by pushing too hard too quickly than by going to slowly. Aspy guys are something that an individual woman has to get used to before she can get close to you.So you have to give her some time to get close to you. So focus on mostly just becoming friends.There will be some women though you will grow on. in your situation though, I would let her take the lead.
As for talking to women, you do want to talk to them, but you don,t need to be loud and boisterous. But dating is as much an emotional connection as a logical one, so you are going to want to ask women about their feelings and why they feel the about a given situation.
So if she say I like dogs ask her why she likes dogs. The more you are getting women to share their feelings with, the more you are building trust and strengthening friendships.That will also get you closer emotionally to you.
I've slowly phased out trying to flirt to get a date mainly because I suck at it and can't improve it due to having Asperger's syndrome and lacking wit in conversation. Here are some past attempts that would qualify (unintentionally) for the cringe Olympics
-"Your name is Kirby? I remember an amusement park existed at Kirby Drive, so you're pretty fun."
-"So there's a 90% chance you'll come to the event? Maybe that other 10% is the fact you're one of the 10% hottest girls out there."
How are most people naturally better at this than me? I know that Asperger's is the major factor but I'm just overall a slow thinker and it takes me a minute to think of five famous people who aren't politicians.
a lot of humans are socially awkward; yet, have some success in dating and marriage.
how are yoo diagnosed with aspergers syndrome (does that mean that your real i.c.d.-10 diagnosis is acute autistic spectrum disorder ?) ?
i am speculating that yoo arr self-diagnosed and yoo arr really just quiet/shy/awkward/... like plenty of guys out here. this is like everyone who is neat, self-diagnoses themselves with o.c.d. eventhoguh those who have been diagnosed with o.c.d. tend to be hoarders.
open up your frends network, hopefully they have female friends/cousins/sisters/coworkers/classmates ... that mite be mutually your/her type upon chance meeting (no pick-up lines necessary). most yung women tend to like exciting/edgy/take charge type of guys; as they mature, some of them seek out to settle down with someone more laid back.
Last edited by stanley-88888888; 05-13-2022 at 10:03 AM..
What is self-deprecating humor? Is it related to self pity and tearing yourself down and talking about yourself like "I'm just a piece of trash. Yeah, what an ugly loser I am haha"
No, it's just the ability to laugh at yourself. One way to never be teased, is to bring up your own shortcomings in a humorous way, laugh at them and they lose their power.
Example: we are the least "tech" of everyone we know. But we laugh at ourselves all the time so no one can hold that over us and make us feel bad. It works like a charm.
No, it's just the ability to laugh at yourself. One way to never be teased, is to bring up your own shortcomings in a humorous way, laugh at them and they lose their power.
Example: we are the least "tech" of everyone we know. But we laugh at ourselves all the time so no one can hold that over us and make us feel bad. It works like a charm.
I think I may have done that 2 weeks ago when I wanted to figure out if a particular girl was leading me on. I went to a monthly meeting for an organization, this new girl that I met the weekend before, came in with a friend and hopped off to sit next to me and asked me “what are you doing?”, “doesn’t it get argumentative here?”, and so on. Later on she ignored all my texts but occasionally answered my calls.
What I told her was “why’d you sit next to me during the meeting? I’m not that important there”. She got a bit defensive after that and it became easier to decipher, especially after talking to folks who know her.
I think I may have done that 2 weeks ago when I wanted to figure out if a particular girl was leading me on. I went to a monthly meeting for an organization, this new girl that I met the weekend before, came in with a friend and hopped off to sit next to me and asked me “what are you doing?”, “doesn’t it get argumentative here?”, and so on. Later on she ignored all my texts but occasionally answered my calls.
What I told her was “why’d you sit next to me during the meeting? I’m not that important there”. She got a bit defensive after that and it became easier to decipher, especially after talking to folks who know her.
Nah. That's not what we're talking about. What you said wasn't humorous. It just sounded down on yourself ("why would you like me? Nobody likes me") and even could have put her on the spot in more ways than one (nobody wants to have to come up with a list of reasons they want to talk to/spend time with someone, or, if she liked you, she might have to admit it outright when maybe she's not ready to be that overt). It could have even come across as defensive-- "why did you sit by me?" as if you didn't want her to.
There was no need to find out her intentions. Just talk with her and enjoy it.
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