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I don’t even know how to start this whole situation, but I need an external point of view on this. I know it's long but please I need a bit of help.
Everything just started a couple of years ago when I and my family moved to a foreign country when I was around 15. As I was living there, I happened to talk to this girl for quite some time over the internet. Seeing yourself speaking to that person for a long period, you would also see yourself starting to get feelings and we decided to make things more “real” and get into a relationship. Everything was there, feelings, endless calls, chatting every day, losing some sleep over various discussions. Everything besides physically seeing each other. To put it in other words, it was a long-distance relationship but we never got to meet. I still consider her as my very first love. A year passed by with the same girl still without seeing each other (expensive for me to see her or her see me), but the chemistry and love were still anchored. It may seem completely crazy but if I was to show you all the text messages nobody would have believed that we were not in a physical relationship. At such a young age with a little attention, you get attached really easily. However, the physical part was getting out of control and as I was getting older, the urge of getting physical experience was starting to knock at my door and the peer pressure of other friends starting their own was just pushing me to do the same. I know it’s dumb but you know teenage years. I ended up hooking with my actual girlfriends of 6 years now. This broke everything between me and the first girl, makes sense, but the thing is that we did not stop talking. I do not want to get into details because I would have to go through a lot of years in my life and that would be straight-up boring.
To put it as easy as I can, I am at the point where I do not know what to do. On the first hand, I am scared of losing everything with my actual gf. By saying that I mean everything. Part of my doing my studies in the same country that I moved in was for her, and it is going quite well. We share the same group of friends (her friends); I met her entire family and they love me as much as I love them. Breaking up with her would mean breaking up with everyone (her mom told me that). My close friends are telling me every day how lucky I am to have found the right one on the first shot. And here I am, putting everything into question because I feel like something is missing that I had with the long-distance one.
On the other hand, I feel like I am throwing away the bond I had with the other one. We got to meet once and even after all of these years, everything went the right way. But I don’t know if starting all over again would be the correct choice while I already have everything I could ever ask for. Me writing this made me realize how crazy and stupid everything sounds. I am definitely fulfilled with my relationship right now, but there is something missing. I cannot even know what but I can feel it. I am extremely scared that if I decide to start everything again and it does not work, I have thrown my life away could I know I would not find anything better.
I know I deserve none of those people, but I want other people’s opinions because I know for a fact that if I tell the situation to any close friends, they would take me for a fool and just tell me to stick with the life I am living now. This is just a resume of everything, I feel like there is a lot more to say. Hope you enjoyed the little story. Sorry if my English is quite wobbly, not my first language ^^
The fact is, that you don't really know the first girl. You don't know how she would react to things in real life, how she handles stress, how she really treats people, whether she's reliable in her work life or her relationships or friendships; there's a lot you don't know. The first one was just a teenage kind of fantasy relationship. Maybe what's "missing" in your real relationship with your gf is the fantasy part. Or maybe you felt you could open up with the first one, and tell her everything, share everything. If that's the case, try opening up more with your current gf.
Needless to say, an online 'relationship' is not a real relationship, especially if both parties have never met in real life. I don't care what people say, unless two people actually meet and spend time together face to face, it's nothing but a fantasy.
This is why it makes me wonder why you are still chasing this fantasy after all these years event though you have a steady girlfriend of 6 years. Do you two actually plan to meet in real life one day?
If you are still obsessed with the online girlfriend to the point you are considering breaking off with your current girlfriend, do the right thing and break up with your current girlfriend regardless. You are correct in assuming she doesn't deserve you, because she deserves someone that's focused on her and not chasing some fantasy online.
You're living your girlfriend's life. Living your life is what is missing. That doesn't mean going and finding a new girlfriend, but maybe start building your own interests and friends.
If so, this is the stage of life where you’re finally coming into your own, maturing into the adult you are going to be.
You are trying to play it safe, all the while being dishonest and disrespectful of your GF. If you two were truly meant to be together, you wouldn’t be having those thoughts at all, wouldn’t be conflicted, wouldn’t have another woman on your mind.
I don’t believe that when it comes to love, you are meant to get it right on the first try, especially since in your case you consider your first love NOT to be your GF of 6 years. Love can come at any age, and most people don’t find their one true love as a teenager.
IMO, in love there should never be a situation where you feel caught between two people. That’s not love.
You don’t stay in a relationship because you like her family and friends and are afraid to be alone. You don’t “stick it out” just because you’ve done so thus far. Make choices and seize the life you want to live, don’t just muddle through it as you’ve been doing.
A. she was your "first love" and you say outright that it was really emotional. B. it was online only, you only saw the things you allowed each other to see, you could fill in anything you wanted with fantasy, etc. C. plenty of people can't forget "the one that got away."
You got good advice from the other posters. Your current girlfriend deserves better than a guy who's still carrying a torch for a teenage online fantasy thing. (Are you still stringing along the teenage online fantasy woman? Does she know you're in a long-term, serious relationship? How does she feel about that? Does she know you're still carrying a torch for her? How does she feel about that?)
If you did hook up with this online woman, how do you suppose that would go? You would move to where she is? What if you did that and it didn't work out? (What if you did that and then found you couldn't get over your current girlfriend?)
It sounds like you would do well to be single for a while and take the time to get your head screwed on straight before looking for another relationship.
(Oh, and yes, if you break up with someone, usually their friends and family are also out of your life at that point. That's reality, though it's pretty manipulative for her family to try to use it against you. {Are you talking to her family about how you might want to break up with her???})
To put it as easy as I can, I am at the point where I do not know what to do. On the first hand, I am scared of losing everything with my actual gf. By saying that I mean everything. Part of my doing my studies in the same country that I moved in was for her, and it is going quite well. We share the same group of friends (her friends); I met her entire family and they love me as much as I love them. Breaking up with her would mean breaking up with everyone (her mom told me that).
...the bond I had with the other one. We got to meet once and even after all of these years, everything went the right way. But I don’t know if starting all over again would be the correct choice while I already have everything I could ever ask for.
Why would your girlfriend's mother say that to you? Are you acting restless and ready to move on and her mother noticed?
And are you saying that you and your long distance friend actually met once and things went well? Are you still in close touch with her?
Please clarify those points.
Sometimes serious relationships that begin in the teenage years are lasting but if they do end it's usually in the early twenties.
It sounds like you met someone very nice early in your life and you're aware how fortunate that is.
It also seems like you're feeling that your whole life is tied up in a neat package with a pretty bow. So early in the game. But it also sounds like you're living her life.
People need to have their own friends and their own life. And make their own choices.
Making choices is scary, what if you make the wrong one?
And that's what you're dealing with now. You feel something is missing, I think that something is independence. You're still living the structure of your teenage years but you're approaching your mid twenties.
And feeling like there's something more. There is. You haven't experienced enough of life as an independent adult. You don't need to go from girl to girl. Be on your own for a while.
Only you can decide what's right for your life but keep in mind the "something's missing" feeling will only grow stronger most likely.
I agree with the opening up thing. It just did not hit the same and I do not know why. With the first girl, I would say that I know her, but you may be right. Deep inside I might don't know her that much. Thank you for your help!
Thank you everyone for your input. Really means a lot
To clarify some points, yes, the “online girl” that I have met only once knows all about the relationship I currently have and she’s part of one too on her side. In her mind, from what she’s telling me, she’s waiting for me to “choose” her so we can start all over again. If the hook-up with the online girl would happen, I don’t even know how things would go. I still have some years of studies to be done and then get a job and continue life. So yes, we still are in touch but I do not know what would be correct for me to do. Starting over and getting new friends kind of scares me a bit in a country that is not mine. The thing is that everything is going fine when I cannot talk with the online girl. No stress, just living the life and not feeling that I have to hide something from someone. Every friendship that I built with my friends was before getting into a relationship with my current gf. That’s why we share the same group of friends. They were her friends before mine. I have never been on my own from the age of 16. Never got a room to myself (sharing with siblings). What is extremely painful is to hear people saying that considering what I have I should be settled for life and how lucky I am. Another thing is that I have the feeling that the online girl has so much to fulfill. I sound like a prick saying that but I cannot be sure that a new relationship with the online girl would be as good as the one I have now. And if I make the wrong choice and everything ****s up, then I feel like I’m going to hit rock bottom.
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