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This is a fairly new long-distance relationship. We have phone conversations daily, many of them hours long. Most of the time he's doing the talking and it's all about him. I sometimes will chime in with stuff about me, but usually I get silence as a response. If it's a funny story, I don't really hear him laughing. Example: There was a TV story about a coach being inducted in to the NFL Hall of Fame. I asked the BF if he had ever met him and he said no. I said I did. Silence. I said, "Soooo do you want to know where I met him...?". I mean, it's like pulling teeth. One time I asked if he had any comment and he said "What do you want me to say?", like he had no idea.
He's a very generous and thoughtful person, and I don't necessarily think he's a narcissist....maybe he just doesn't know how to do the give-and-take of conversation? The funny thing is, he complains about his long-time buddy who constantly switches the conversation back to himself....yet he does the same thing.
I put up with it for awhile because he's old and has health problems, but it's REALLY starting to get on my nerves. It's like talking to a brick wall. Should I say something? If so, how can I say it without starting an argument? Can he possibly change at his age?
I've written about this before, but it is my oppinion that when a man is seriously interested in you, he will ask questioins about you, your family, your interests, your lifestyle. Usually this happens prior to a relationship, which leads me to ask why you are in a long distance relationship with an obviously much older man that is as boring as watching paint dry. I think you should just explain to him that you don't feel like he's that into you and you would like to end the relationship so as to avoid wasting your time as well as his.
I've written about this before, but it is my oppinion that when a man is seriously interested in you, he will ask questioins about you, your family, your interests, your lifestyle. Usually this happens prior to a relationship, which leads me to ask why you are in a long distance relationship with an obviously much older man that is as boring as watching paint dry. I think you should just explain to him that you don't feel like he's that into you and you would like to end the relationship so as to avoid wasting your time as well as his.
You must not have read "Men Are From Mars..." back in the day. It's very helpful in understanding the difference between men's and women's communication styles. And see my post above to address your second comment.
And to answer your Q... no, he's never going to improve as a conversationalist. And for a relationship that's based entirely on verbal communication and zero physical contact, this seems like a hard slog.
Sorry, I wasn't asking whether I should continue the relationship. For many reasons that I can't go into here, the relationship has been a positive in my life as well as his, and for now it must continue.
I'm just asking whether I should say something, is there a way I can be diplomatic about it, or should I just accept that's the way he is.
You should say something.
"Sometimes I feel kind of hurt because it seems like you don't seem that interested in what's going on in my life. We talk a lot about your life and that is great. But sometimes I would like to talk about what's going on with me too."
He probably just doesn't realize? Not everyone has good social skills and need some gentle guidance in the right direction.
You must not have read "Men Are From Mars..." back in the day. It's very helpful in understanding the difference between men's and women's communication styles. And see my post above to address your second comment.
okay, you come here, complaining and asking for help. And now you defend him and know it all better. Not sure what you expect from this forum.
"Sometimes I feel kind of hurt because it seems like you don't seem that interested in what's going on in my life. We talk a lot about your life and that is great. But sometimes I would like to talk about what's going on with me too."
He probably just doesn't realize? Not everyone has good social skills and need some gentle guidance in the right direction.
Yes, that's good. He does know a lot about my life...but only because I talk about it during the awkward pauses when he's silent.
He's old... and probably ummm a bit slow? Not insulting the man, but when a person gets older they tend to have a lower capacity to hold a proper conversation... esp active listening.
Also some men are quite egocentric. Meaning they are wired to only think about themselves and everything else in this world revolves around that. So if a subject doesn't interest him or is not a part of his life, he will literally not care about talking about it.
I think everyone is wondering why you are still in a relationship with him, since in a long distance relationship EVERYTHING is a conversation. So if communication is lacking, then maybe realize that it may not last.
Is this a relationship of convenience? Maybe both of you are lonely and fill the niche for the moment (again not insulting anyone, just stating facts).
Personally I think you should broach the subject IF you are willing to risk him blowing up at you and ending the relationship. Not knowing the man I don't know if he will take it personal or be objective and see your point of view. Some ppl take all criticism in a negative way instead of reflecting and improving themselves.
Sorry, I wasn't asking whether I should continue the relationship. For many reasons that I can't go into here, the relationship has been a positive in my life as well as his, and for now it must continue.
I'm just asking whether I should say something, is there a way I can be diplomatic about it, or should I just accept that's the way he is.
Well...what do you have to lose? Can you say something like "Joe, I often find it frustrating in talking to you. We don't seem to have a back and forth conversation, and it often seems too one-sided. What do you think we could do about this?"
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Avalon08
Sorry, I wasn't asking whether I should continue the relationship. For many reasons that I can't go into here, the relationship has been a positive in my life as well as his, and for now it must continue.
Must continue? Must?
Ohhhhh. gotcha.
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