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But do you have to date them before you vet them? I mean, I would not want to go on a date with, let's say, someone who has a criminal record of stalking. I'd want to know that ahead of time.
You don't have to wait, but with online dating - in my experience, anyway - I usually did not know their full name so couldn't look them up. After a couple of dates, those details would be exchanged if we wanted to keep seeing each other.
Someone mentioned safety. If you meet in public and have your own transportation (and make sure they don't follow you if you have any concerns), there isn't much danger. Many women I met were not very safety-conscious, however, which created a negative impression for me.
Google image search
Searching their first name and the town they live in on FB
If they’ve revealed their line of work or company, I search that
Searched their username if they’ve used it on other sites
Searched friends they have in their pics in image search
I work in recruiting so searching is second nature for me.
l was amazed how brave the girls were last l was single.
Met a few on date sites that both let me stay over the night- not with them.They were each a few hrs a way.
l remember one said you can just sleep on the couch if you want and l did , for 3 days. Ended up staying awhile .
I knew she wouldn't have minded by that stage if l'd crept into her room one night but unfortunately she just wasn't my thing in those ways, nice lady though and l really enjoyed her friendship wise well- until she got pissed that l didn't want more anyway.
The other one lived in an old farm house out on 10hecters . This house had 17ft ceilings, amazing, never seen such high ceilings in an ordinary house.
We wound up getting slightly under the weather by her fire and l slept in the spare room that night.
Again unfortunately, nice lady but not really my thing more than friends.
At what point does our 'vetting' cause us to say 'yay' or 'nay' to either sleeping with someone, and/or wanting a relationship with them?
Well sorry for the breaking news, but unless the potential partner is famous, you're not going to be able to google search how many people they've slept with, what their net worth is, what their credit score is, how many bills they have, if they have a criminal record (it can be expunged or sealed), if they plan to get fat in the future, how they were raised, what kind of background they've had, if they're going to start snoring in the future, or if you're going to grow apart in the future.
You do the best you can with all the information they provide to you and the person you are presented with, but you cannot predict the future. The average marriage is 9 years, if you can beat that consider yourself lucky.
There are people out there who don't even know if they have STDs (asymptomatic), good luck trying to figure out anything else about them. That they don't want you to know.
Well sorry for the breaking news, but unless the potential partner is famous, you're not going to be able to google search how many people they've slept with, what their net worth is, what their credit score is, how many bills they have, if they have a criminal record (it can be expunged or sealed), if they plan to get fat in the future, how they were raised, what kind of background they've had, if they're going to start snoring in the future, or if you're going to grow apart in the future.
You do the best you can with all the information they provide to you and the person you are presented with, but you cannot predict the future. The average marriage is 9 years, if you can beat that consider yourself lucky.
There are people out there who don't even know if they have STDs (asymptomatic), good luck trying to figure out anything else about them. That they don't want you to know.
I totally agree with you, it's a crap shoot and luck if your relationship works out. The problem is many are dishonest so the playing field isn't level for you if you're being honest. Unfortunately the dishonest ones couldn't care less about the ramifications to your life they caused, emotionally and financially. I guess with politicians being dishonest and even Presidents setting poor examples of good character traits, you can't expect much better from the dating pool. I seriously recommend using a private investigator before anyone considers marriage, and even with their help, you might not find out everything a person might be hiding.
One funny story, I had a date with a guy who told me I was nice but he wasn't interested in dating me, so fine. He calls me a few days later because he changed his mind about seeing me. In the meantime I looked up his info on-line, it turned out he lied to me about his age, he was 20 years older than he said! Knowing the truth I told him I wasn't interested in dating him, never telling him the reason why.
I really don't agree that dating is vetting. I can see what you mean to some extent, but people are not their real selves on dates. They are putting on a bit of an act to entice the other person to see them again. Even an ax murderer can do that effectively on one or two dates. You have to figure that most adults today are already going to each other's homes/apartments and becoming intimate within a short period of time. Are you going to take a chance to let this person in your home/apartment and become intimate with your body without knowing if he's ever been arrested, has a substance abuse, porn or gambling addiction, cheated on an ex, has an STI, or has $30,000 in credit card debt? I think some effort to vet the person during the first month or so is important. You can still go out but keep it cautious and pick up tidbits about what they're telling you and then check it out online to see if they're telling you the truth. I picked up a lot of info about my dates this way.
But do you have to date them before you vet them? I mean, I would not want to go on a date with, let's say, someone who has a criminal record of stalking. I'd want to know that ahead of time.
But here's this: By the time you're considering getting "very serious", you're probably already emotionally "deep".
So I guess the question(s) are, should we vet BEFORE we date, and/or before we get to "serious"?
Also, even if we vetted, what would the results mean to us?
...
Vetting is fine to some degree.
As long as you know what you're vetting for, AND, you pay attention.
The trouble is with your thread is that we learn so much in the dating process, not only about the other person but also about ourselves too.
As others have said, we need to know ourselves and what we want before we go out and look for others with those qualities. If we go out in search of someone we think we want when we dont really know, we risk sending out mixed messages and attracting people we dont fit with. I am afraid there is no guarantee that our inquiries will turn up the flaws you are afraid of finding in a partner - you just have to be aware and conscious while you are dating and try to be more analytical than emotional.
Obviously you have to be more or super-conscious when you have kids who are involved in your potential relationship with a partner.
I met my wife on social media and since she comes from another country, we spent a year emailing each other (it was back in the early 2000's, so email was more popular). What we did was asked each other all the questions we could think of which may have been show-stoppers for us. In that way, questions answered at one time could be checked with answers given at another time - basically to see if either of us was lieing about what we said (which obviously some people do lie to find a partner).
I think we all have in our head, a list of issues which are show-stoppers for us. It may be about religion, it may be sexual preferences, it may be food, it could be anything, but this list essentially tells us whether we continue to put more time and effort into this flowering relationship. It does not have to be online like mine was, but I think we all have these 'worries' and concerns which we need to satisfy before we put too much into the relationship. Obviously, this list is answered by face-to-face meetings in real life or in chats online but in a way, I suspect online messaging or email is easier as there is less liklihood for someone to be offended, they just dont have to answer the question or they change the subject. That in itself tells a story about the other person.
Having said all of that, there were still things about my future wife which I did not find out. There was nothing serious but you can never find out everything or answer all your worries and concerns about the other person however long you spend at it. For example I needed to find someone who was not traditional in their thinking otherwise I thought the relationship did not have a good chance of succeeding, but some of this kind of thing is relative. Yes, she is somewhat traditional but relatively (compared to her family) she is not and so far it is still working.
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