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I am a 40 year old female and my significant other is a 41 year old male. We are having problems after he experienced a random medical event. He had a seizure and ended up in the ER room ~2 weeks ago. After 2 days of non stop tests they could not find anything wrong and basically said he has to take anti seizure pills and not drive for 6 months or until otherwise told it is okay. We were told to simply set up an appt with another dr. Unfortunately, we can not get in until November 29th after the first doctor cancelled on this week due to a vacation.
Basically, he is super angry because he cannot drive, mad at me because I am inexperienced at driving (I never in a million years expected this to happen) and not comfortable driving long distance, and really resistant to try to figure out his medical problems. It took me 2 weeks just to get him to make a dr appt which I had to do myself.
I am also looking stuff up online for him and posting in different forums - (vitamins to take, stress relief, etc. until we get in to a dr). He said he doesn't feel he has any issues and he is healthy. Says he shouldn't have to see another doctor because the hospital couldn't find anything wrong. When I try to help him out with natural remedies until he sees the dr, he gets mad saying I am treating him differently like he has medical problems acting like he isn't healthy. When I ask if I should go live with my dad for a few months so I am not bothering him (and he can deal with his medical stuff himself) he says that it would be wrong to leave someone after a 20 year relationship, especially after a medical issue. So really I am at my wit's end on what to do. Unfortunately, all our family lives out of state so I am kind of on my own. Add in not driving, and this is miserable situation to be in.
I do not feel safe driving with someone who had 2 unexplained seizures back to back until someone finds a cause. Thus, I am trying to learn to drive after 12 years of no driving.
I am driving for the first time after 12 years. I stopped driving many years ago because I have really bad vision and bad depth perception. I have dented my car a few times and was in a major accident on the highway where my car was totalled. Because my significant other drives, I simply stopped driving and let him drive everywhere. He loves driving and we take lots of daytrips on the weekend and have moved all over the country.
I never expected this to happen, so never really thought I would have to drive. Of course, I kept up to date with my license should an emergency ever occur. I am trying to drive to help us out as it would be expensive to take Uber and Lyft around Tampa all the time. Unfortunately, we live in Tampa right now, which is a massive suburban jungle with limited walkability. We can walk a few places but it would be inconvenient with the far distance and super hot weather.
I have been having him sit in the car with me while I drive around our apartment parking lot and have even made a few small trips to stores that are less than 2 miles away i.e. Walmart. I am scared to death but trying to do this for us to help out. He does not want to take the bus or pay for pricey Lyft/Uber so this is our only option. Unfortunately, he makes more money that me so he thinks he gets to choose if we waste the money - he will just say that he isn't wasting money on Uber.
He has been extremely frustrated with me. Anytime I need to move the mirror he says just go. Anytime I ask a question he seems upset saying "come on you know what you are doing. You passed the driver's test." While I did, I haven't driven in over ten years. I am more nervous about hitting other cars or people and not necessarily concerned as much about injuring myself. Plus, he would be pissed beyond belief if I wrecked or dented his car. I just want to be safe and take it slow. I would rather him answer my questions and help me without resorting to insulting me. For example, today in the parking lot I asked if I should go or the other car and he just rolls his eyes at me and says you know what to do. I wish he would have just said right lane gets the right of way or whatever the case may be.
I want to learn to drive in safe manner and actually know what to do so I can improve my skills. Someone telling me I know what to do is not helping me or making me feel more confident. I know he is upset about driving as it is a big part of his life and it is second nature to him. Unfortunately, it is not second nature to me and he really does not understand this.
After the seizure he had a hard time being told no that he can't drive. He told me that it was a fluke and he should be able to drive again. He said me, the doctors, and everyone else is saying he is a bad driver. He was saying how can he teach me to drive and not be able to drive himself - doesn't that mean that he should be able to drive then? He even said he can drive around the parking lot because there is no chance that he can hit anyone. What should I do in this situation? I don't want to be put down everytime I try to do something - it's really just making me more anxious.
Any tips on anything I can do to get back to normal? This is stressing me out and affecting my work and daily life. We had a pretty normal relationship before this event. Unfortunately, he is the type of guy who always thinks he is right, doesn't really like other people telling him what to do, and doesn't really trust authority. He really will not be happy until he can drive again. Not sure what I can do as his only concern is the driving. I don't want my health to tank over this situation. I told him he just has to wait until the doctor approves his driving again - and that hopefully it will not be an entire 6 months.
This is all about driving. What about other practicalities? Are you both working from home, or does he have a job to go to? Does the Motor Vehicles Dept. know the doctor has prohibited him from driving? Has his license been suspended? He can't afford an occasional Lyft/Uber? They're a lot cheaper than taxis! He makes more than you, but can't afford a cheap ride?
You've been together for 20 years? Has he ever been obstinate or moody before? If he doesn't lighten up, this could kill the marriage. It sounds like he needs some counseling to help him adjust to his new reality, though he probably would never agree to go. Sudden disability can be a shock to someone used to independence, but that's no excuse to take one's frustrations out on one's partner and make both of you miserable.
OP, you're going to have to tell him, that you understand the situation is very difficult for him, but in order for you both to get through this, he'll need to stop taking his anger out on you. You're doing your best to help out, but you're not getting any support from him. Just because you two are married, doesn't mean he gets to treat you badly while you try to accommodate him. If he doesn't control his frustration, he could end up all alone, at least for the 6 months of no driving.
If he refuses to see your side of it, tell him you're going to sign the two of you up for couple counseling. His choice is to either dial back his combative behavior, or go to counseling with you. Period. Put your foot down, if necessary.
P.S. It might not be a bad idea to call his parents, to see if there's any history of any kind of seizures in the family. I guess the doctors don't know if the nature of the event was cardiac or neurological, or other? In any case, looking into the family medical history might be informative.
This is all about driving. What about other practicalities? Are you both working from home, or does he have a job to go to? Does the Motor Vehicles Dept. know the doctor has prohibited him from driving? Has his license been suspended? He can't afford an occasional Lyft/Uber? They're a lot cheaper than taxis! He makes more than you, but can't afford a cheap ride?
You've been together for 20 years? Has he ever been obstinate or moody before? If he doesn't lighten up, this could kill the marriage. It sounds like he needs some counseling to help him adjust to his new reality, though he probably would never agree to go. Sudden disability can be a shock to someone used to independence, but that's no excuse to take one's frustrations out on one's partner and make both of you miserable.
OP, you're going to have to tell him, that you understand the situation is very difficult for him, but in order for you both to get through this, he'll need to stop taking his anger out on you. You're doing your best to help out, but you're not getting any support from him. Just because you two are married, doesn't mean he gets to treat you badly while you try to accommodate him. If he doesn't control his frustration, he could end up all alone, at least for the 6 months of no driving.
Fortunately, we both work from home on the computer. The state of Florida does not require doctors to report seizures. I think it is supposed to be 6months and that is what the doctor told him, but unfortunately it is not officially reported. I actually wish it was as it would make my life easier. He can afford a Lyft as he makes over $100,000 a year but he doesn't want to waste the money. He wants to live like he did before driving around Tampa every weekend - beaches, restaurants, etc.
I have told him a million times that I feel bad that he can't drive but it was a freak medical situation. I offered to try driving short distances in the meantime and told him that we will eventually get it figured out by a doctor. He doesn't like doctors to begin with and thinks they are forcing him to quit driving for no reason.
I said we should just take a break for a while - use our apartment pool, watch movies, etc. and occasionally take a Lyft as needed. Unfortunately, he is stubborn and only wants to do what he wants to do. He is more upset that other people are ordering him around.
OP, he's behaving like a child. I cut him a little slack, because again--sudden disability can come as a shock, and people typically go through psychological stages in reacting to it: denial, anger, ultimately grieving the loss of their independence, if they get that far in processing their emotions. Fortunately for him, it's only temporary (with luck). He needs help processing his emotions, but in the meantime, he needs to be less of a pain to live with.
What you need to do, is hire a driving instructor for a session or two, to get used to navigating traffic around town, and to practice handling the freeways as well. They do take adult driving "students": people who need to brush up their skills, people who are new to town and want to learn the lay of the land, etc. (I've done this.) If you're not confident in your driving, you could be a hazard out there, as you seem to understand. You'll feel much better after a couple of sessions with an instructor, and that way, you won't have to put up with your partner's emotions while trying to re-learn to drive.
The instruction fee would be an investment in your confidence and would help save your marriage. Don't let him make any excuses about how the two of you supposedly can't afford a couple of hours of driving instruction. You can't afford NOT to do it! Call a driving school today, and explain that you're calling for yourself, not a teen child, and that you need to brush up on your driving skills after many years of not driving. It's not a big deal. Ignore any protests from your SO; just take the matter into your own hands.
P.S. What exactly do you mean by "bad vision", other than the depth perception issue? Is your glasses prescription up to date? Do you need to get an eye exam and update your distance lenses? If so, take care of that. They can include something in your prescription to help with the depth perception; I have that problem, but my optometrist said, she took care of it in my prescription.
P.S. What exactly do you mean by "bad vision", other than the depth perception issue? Is your glasses prescription up to date? Do you need to get an eye exam and update your distance lenses? If so, take care of that. They can include something in your prescription to help with the depth perception; I have that problem, but my optometrist said, she took care of it in my prescription.
I just had an eye exam. I naturally have bad vision - my contacts prescription is a -9 which is really bad. Basically, if my glasses were to move a little bit or a contact fall out or start irritating me, I would be in trouble. For depth perception, I feel like I am too close to cars on the side of the road. I end up venturing into the other lane because I always feel like I am going to hit the curb. When I back up, I feel like I am going to hit the cars - from the mirror, it just looks like everything is closer than it really is. I can't describe it - I just feel like I am going to hit everything.
Hello Movingsoon81. I am very sorry about your situation. I wish more people who should not drive but drive are as responsible as you are.
Is this current issue the only one in your relationship? If so, I would try to be very, very patient. I know, it is hard. I would not make everything depend on the current issue. If this is just one of many, then yes, evaluate.
And I get his side a little bit - he got ONE medical event and then no one could find anything. So your effort is nice but maybe overkill because you don't even know what you are treating. Most men are not into the herbal stuff and as long as no one knows what is going on - maybe it was an event that will never get repeated, I would not overwhelm him with your well meant help.
I had a boss who broke down in the office, just fainted and fell over, lost consciousness. Everyone freaked and called the ambulance. Two days in the hospital. Massive medical bill. No one found anything. It never happened again but she said to better not call the ambulance again if she is not massively bleeding
I just had an eye exam. I naturally have bad vision - my contacts prescription is a -9 which is really bad. Basically, if my glasses were to move a little bit or a contact fall out or start irritating me, I would be in trouble. For depth perception, I feel like I am too close to cars on the side of the road. I end up venturing into the other lane because I always feel like I am going to hit the curb. When I back up, I feel like I am going to hit the cars - from the mirror, it just looks like everything is closer than it really is. I can't describe it - I just feel like I am going to hit everything.
While certainly possible, hitting everything is unlikely. It's an irrational fear. Hiring a driving instructor is a good idea, it could give you confidence with more practice with a guiding teacher.
It's not your boyfriend's responsibility to teach you to drive, he doesn't seem to be very good at teaching anyway.
I also wear glasses/contacts, I'm nearsighted and have never been the most confident driver, I don't like Interstate driving but I'm very comfortable with driving around the neighborhood to do errands. The more you drive the more confident you'll become.
After wearing contacts for fifty years I've never had one fall out of my eye, properly fitted contacts don't fall out of the eye. If they start feeling uncomfortable there's ample opportunity to pull over, out of traffic, and tend to the problem. Your fears are allowing worst case scenarios to prevent you from taking a problem and solving it. Rather than stay paralyzed in fear see the problem (lack of experience and confidence) as fixable and do what it takes to fix it. Good luck, you can do it.
As far as your bf's bad attitude I'd put up with that but so much. You are responsible for none of what happened. You're following the doctor's instructions. Might be an idea to stop enforcing the doctor's orders. This is your boyfriend's issue, if he chooses to follow medical opinion or not is up to him. Since he doesn't seem to want your input, cease, doesn't seem to be helpful anyway, as far as he's concerned.
If it were me I'd have a talk with him, improve his attitude or we'll be taking a break. State your position and let him decide. It's completely unfair for him to take out his frustrations on you.
Meanwhile sign up for driving lessons, study the state driving laws and learn to drive without fear.
Making suggestions only gives him an excuse to take out his frustrations on you. Stop suggesting natural remedies and supplements. Back off. He's an adult, let him make his own choices for better or worse. And flat out tell him to quit taking out his anger and frustrations on you.
If you're eyesight is such that it's safe for you to drive, by all means take a few lessons to get comfortable with doing so again. If you are uncomfortable you are more likely to have an accident than if you are a confident driver.
Don't let your S/O use you as the person to take his frustrations out on. If he's always done this you might want to ask yourself why you have been putting up with it. This is his health problem, he's supposedly not mentally incompetent, he should be making his own appointments. As for buses or Uber, sometimes we all have to do things we don't like. Maybe a visit to your father for a couple weeks to let him figure things out on his own might not be a bad thing to do.
Hello Movingsoon81. I am very sorry about your situation. I wish more people who should not drive but drive are as responsible as you are.
Is this current issue the only one in your relationship? If so, I would try to be very, very patient. I know, it is hard. I would not make everything depend on the current issue. If this is just one of many, then yes, evaluate.
And I get his side a little bit - he got ONE medical event and then no one could find anything. So your effort is nice but maybe overkill because you don't even know what you are treating. Most men are not into the herbal stuff and as long as no one knows what is going on - maybe it was an event that will never get repeated, I would not overwhelm him with your well meant help.
I had a boss who broke down in the office, just fainted and fell over, lost consciousness. Everyone freaked and called the ambulance. Two days in the hospital. Massive medical bill. No one found anything. It never happened again but she said to better not call the ambulance again if she is not massively bleeding
Thanks. Yes, I want to drive once I feel comfortable doing so but don't want to risk hitting someone or something!
We had a huge medical bill too. Luckily, financial aid helped with a lot of it. Unfortunately, he has Type 1 diabetes so I have to call an ambulance if anything happens. He was not conscious and they need to maintain his fluids and blood sugars - something I don't know how to do. He lost memory for about 6 hours and doesn't remember either of the seizures, nor any time in the ER room (about 5 hours). It's hard for him because he doesn't remember anything so he thinks he has no problem. Doctor said his A1C level is fine and it was not diabetes related. However, if something happens I have to call the ER b/c of the diabetes. Bad situation to be in!
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