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My boyfriend unexpectedly broke up with me a few weeks ago. I don't necessarily miss him. But I'm feeling really down on myself. I'm almost 32, can't make a relationship last. I want to settle down, have a partner, get married, have kids. I'm only getting older and older. People have even suggested I freeze my eggs. It's over $10,000, so I know that's not for me, but am I that hopeless and old?
I feel like I have so much to offer, but I can't connect with anyone. I have a great job, and even just got a second job that I really enjoy. I own my own place. I fixed it up and it's nice looking. I'm a sweet and caring woman. I've been told by many that I'm very pretty. I'm smart, funny, and put together. I don't understand why I can't make it work with anyone.
I admit that I have not always picked the best guys. They were in life transitions, they didn't have much to offer me, and I wasn't a priority. I guess I just don't understand where to meet good quality men. I don't understand why guys don't want me.
I don't meet men through my work. Everyone is much much older than me. I have tried online dating on and off for years.
I feel like such a loser. Even my younger brother is getting engaged. I just saw an old crush of mine got engaged. All my friends and family are married or engaged and having kids. I really want to experience true love, partnership, deep loving friendship, and companionship in life. When I see happy couples or engagements on Facebook it makes me want to cry. I feel like such an unappealing loser.
I feel like I can't even connect with guys anymore. Nothing goes deep, it's all surface level. I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I don't like a lot of guys I meet and the ones I di connect with aren't prioritizing a relationship, but we have a lot in common. I'm so lost and need help. I really want to find the right man for me.
You have a house and you know how to take care of it. I think you should use that as an excuse to spend more time at Home Depot. You know, where a lot of men spend time.
* wink, wink *
So you're 32, still young. Still have the possibility of having kids, and that family you always wanted. The best thing to do is make peace with yourself.
Quote:
I feel like I can't even connect with guys anymore. Nothing goes deep, it's all surface level. I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I don't like a lot of guys I meet and the ones I di connect with aren't prioritizing a relationship, but we have a lot in common. I'm so lost and need help. I really want to find the right man for me.
Think about this a little more. Why would you connect with guys not prioritizing a relationship when you say you deeply want one? I would do some soul searching. Is a relationship/kids what you truly want or what you think you need to do to "fit in." Sometimes, traumas or lessons we learned as kids get carried into our future relationships. I'd reflect deeply on this one line as I think it's key to your happiness.
Good luck, and we have all been where you're at one point or the other.
My boyfriend unexpectedly broke up with me a few weeks ago. I don't necessarily miss him. But I'm feeling really down on myself. I'm almost 32, can't make a relationship last. I want to settle down, have a partner, get married, have kids. I'm only getting older and older. People have even suggested I freeze my eggs. It's over $10,000, so I know that's not for me, but am I that hopeless and old?
I feel like I have so much to offer, but I can't connect with anyone. I have a great job, and even just got a second job that I really enjoy. I own my own place. I fixed it up and it's nice looking. I'm a sweet and caring woman. I've been told by many that I'm very pretty. I'm smart, funny, and put together. I don't understand why I can't make it work with anyone.
I admit that I have not always picked the best guys. They were in life transitions, they didn't have much to offer me, and I wasn't a priority. I guess I just don't understand where to meet good quality men. I don't understand why guys don't want me.
I don't meet men through my work. Everyone is much much older than me. I have tried online dating on and off for years.
I feel like such a loser. Even my younger brother is getting engaged. I just saw an old crush of mine got engaged. All my friends and family are married or engaged and having kids. I really want to experience true love, partnership, deep loving friendship, and companionship in life. When I see happy couples or engagements on Facebook it makes me want to cry. I feel like such an unappealing loser.
I feel like I can't even connect with guys anymore. Nothing goes deep, it's all surface level. I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I don't like a lot of guys I meet and the ones I di connect with aren't prioritizing a relationship, but we have a lot in common. I'm so lost and need help. I really want to find the right man for me.
*hug* I'm sorry that things didn't work out with your last guy.
You're not a loser. It must be hard to accept this now given where your head and heart are right now, but you can count yourself lucky that you didn't end up in more permanent situations with the guys who you've dated in the past.
Being familiar with your posting history, it never seemed as though your relationships with them were ones that were going to be good for you in the long term. It also seems as though you're in a subconscious competition to get to the altar and motherhood with other women in your immediate circle (hard to call most of them your friends as there seems to be a thread of general toxicity in those relationships). Don't let where others are at in their own life journeys dictate to your where your own path should be in the right here and right now. Easier said than done, I know.
It might be cold comfort, but I think that many of us (both men and women) have felt as you do right now. Most of us eventually did pair off with varying degrees of success.
So you're 32, still young. Still have the possibility of having kids, and that family you always wanted. The best thing to do is make peace with yourself.
Think about this a little more. Why would you connect with guys not prioritizing a relationship when you say you deeply want one? I would do some soul searching. Is a relationship/kids what you truly want or what you think you need to do to "fit in." Sometimes, traumas or lessons we learned as kids get carried into our future relationships. I'd reflect deeply on this one line as I think it's key to your happiness.
Good luck, and we have all been where you're at one point or the other.
I'll connect with a guy and it's exciting at first. They pursue me and we get to know one another. They say they want a relationship, marriage, we date and end up in a relationship, and it always starts well. I miss some red flags, like maybe their poor financial situation or lifestyle habits, because they are pursuing me and putting in effort. They show they are serious. But they always pull away. I might be wearing rose colored glasses a bit, but they aren't terrible guys.
It always fizzles out. They pull back. They start giving less and I give more. I get anxious and complacent. I analyze everything they say and do. I lose my personality because I'm afraid to lose them. I have invested months and months and months of time and effort. And we always end up breaking up and I get hurt.
I know maybe I do ignore some red flags, but there are green flags there too.
*hug* I'm sorry that things didn't work out with your last guy.
You're not a loser. It must be hard to accept this now given where your head and heart are right now, but you can count yourself lucky that you didn't end up in more permanent situations with the guys who you've dated in the past.
Being familiar with your posting history, it never seemed as though your relationships with them were ones that were going to be good for you in the long term. It also seems as though you're in a subconscious competition to get to the altar and motherhood with other women in your immediate circle (hard to call most of them your friends as there seems to be a thread of general toxicity in those relationships). Don't let where others are at in their own life journeys dictate to your where your own path should be in the right here and right now. Easier said than done, I know.
It might be cold comfort, but I think that many of us (both men and women) have felt as you do right now. Most of us eventually did pair off with varying degrees of success.
Thank you. I feel extremely lucky things ended with my ex. I don't think he or any of the guys I dated were right for me. There was that initial excitement, but it wasn't a deep friendship or connection. I am just so sick of not finding a good one.
At this point, I'm not in competition with my friends at all. I genuinely want true companionship in my life. I want a partner, a teammate, a lover, all of it. And I keep getting older and older and that's scary. As I see it, by the time I meet someone, and it'd have to be soon, we date for years, get engaged and married, I'll be 35 or 36, and if we wait for babies, I'll be close to 40. I feel like time is not on my side. And I feel like I see all these people around me with a partner. They have a date to every event, they have someone to talk to about their day, to lean on when times are tough, to make decisions with, rub a home with. I really want that.
I'll connect with a guy and it's exciting at first. They pursue me and we get to know one another. They say they want a relationship, marriage, we date and end up in a relationship, and it always starts well. I miss some red flags, like maybe their poor financial situation or lifestyle habits, because they are pursuing me and putting in effort. They show they are serious. But they always pull away. I might be wearing rose colored glasses a bit, but they aren't terrible guys.
It always fizzles out. They pull back. They start giving less and I give more. I get anxious and complacent. I analyze everything they say and do. I lose my personality because I'm afraid to lose them. I have invested months and months and months of time and effort. And we always end up breaking up and I get hurt.
I know maybe I do ignore some red flags, but there are green flags there too.
If you think there is a pattern, might be worthwhile speaking to a therapist. Might help you realize if there is something you're doing wrong and fixing it.
But all that aside, you're young. Don't be in a rush to grow up so fast. I can tell you from experience, having kids will be one of the toughest things you need to do. You can kiss your "free time" good bye, and you will need to learn to put up with baby talk, and kids shows and songs, that to a normal person would be suicide inducing lol. On vacation or just out in public, you need to constantly watch out for them. Gone are those moments of just relaxing and enjoying the present. Then they grow up, and you love them, but cannot wait for them to leave. Then they leave, and you look at yourself in the mirror and wonder "what happened to me?"
So, don't rush to grow up. Enjoy the present, don't always think the future is better. And while you're enjoying the present, if the right guy walks into it, and you fall in love, then great. But don't settle just to have a family.
At 32, no need to think about freezing your eggs. You can always settle down latter if you decide you absolutely need to have a family/partner/kids to be fulfilled.
My boyfriend unexpectedly broke up with me a few weeks ago...
Was this the camping guy? How did that go?
Not asking for specifics, but is there a pattern to the reasons given for the breakup? Are you hearing some of the same words spoken? People aren't always honest or upfront about why they're ending a relationship and often use stock phrases - "it's not you, it's me" - but maybe if similar words or themes keep being given, it might give some insight.
It's interesting that your relationships follow a similar pattern, there's something you can learn there.
You're at the age when most people start to think about marriage, children and family. It's totally normal.
When I was your age I decided, if I were to date seriously again, the kind of man he would be, his character, his family, his values, his life circumstances. When I met my husband, he ticked all the boxes. The only thing I hadn't thought of was children from a first marriage. And sure enough that was the problem area, not between us but coming from his mother, his former wife and his kids. Can't foresee everything.
What kind of man do you want to spend your life with? Not just a warm body to go places with or to come home to but a real person who will be a real partner in life.
Also you seem to be aware of ways you undermine relationships. Continuing to examine these and explore ways to modify the impulse and behavior.
Not asking for specifics, but is there a pattern to the reasons given for the breakup? Are you hearing some of the same words spoken? People aren't always honest or upfront about why they're ending a relationship and often use stock phrases - "it's not you, it's me" - but maybe if similar words or themes keep being given, it might give some insight.
It's interesting that your relationships follow a similar pattern, there's something you can learn there.
You're at the age when most people start to think about marriage, children and family. It's totally normal.
When I was your age I decided, if I were to date seriously again, the kind of man he would be, his character, his family, his values, his life circumstances. When I met my husband, he ticked all the boxes. The only thing I hadn't thought of was children from a first marriage. And sure enough that was the problem area, not between us but coming from his mother, his former wife and his kids. Can't foresee everything.
What kind of man do you want to spend your life with? Not just a warm body to go places with or to come home to but a real person who will be a real partner in life.
Also you seem to be aware of ways you undermine relationships. Continuing to examine these and explore ways to modify the impulse and behavior.
Best wishes.
Yes this was camping guy. The camping with his family went well. I wasn't a big fan of his brother or sister in law. They were a hot mess. But he and I bonded that weekend and admitted our love for one another. We had sparks, and chemistry, and couldn't get enough of each other. It was a happy time. I liked the man I saw that weekend. He was carefree, supportive and kind to his family, giving, happy.
After that things seemed good. He met my family and he even attended a family funeral with me which was very personal and intimate. He even took the day from work too be there for me. The morning if the funeral he and I got together at my house and got ready together. I felt like a really solid couple. A happy couple.
What seemed to start happening after that. He decided to get this second job. I supported it, but was a bit worried about not seeing him as much. He reassured me it was only a couple nights a week after work from his first job.
At first, it was just a couple nights a week. And then I started looking for a second job too. I could use the extra income. I knew what I wanted, something flexible, partially remote, and would not interfere with my weekend or personal life too much.
When I expressed this to him, he criticized me saying I should just take what I can get and work as much as they need. Even if we see each other less, it'll only be temporary, but money is worth it. I insisted that I did not want that. I still wanted a semblance of a life to be happy. I found a side hustle and it's fun, flexible, and doesn't interfere with my personal life and didn't interfere with my life with him.
He proceeded to find a new nice apartment and was excited about it. I was super supportive and he even told the new landlord how his girlfriend might come over occasionally and joked how I'd never move in since I had a nice home, so eventually he'd move in with me. We talked about moving in together in the future. And he even went around my house one time acting like an HGTV show saying how we could paint here and do this there. It was always lighthearted. I never pressured him to move fast into anything.
He really wanted this apartment so he started working more to try and make up the money for the security deposit. Slowly our relationship changed.
We used to text and talk on the phone after work. His day work load increased and I barely heard from him and he barely put effort into texting. He couldn't call me on days he worked his 2nd job. He'd go right from one job to the next. But he'd always call me on his way home. But he was exhausted and not enthusiastic. We'd talk for 20 to 30 mins and he'd go to bed.
When we would hangout he was so tired from working so much that he'd fall asleep. We stopped having sex. And he had ED issues. I started feeling unloved and like he was pulling away, but I stayed supportive that this was temporary and he just needed the money. He reassured me that the ED issues were his own medical issues and he planned on seeing his doctor soon. We went a month with no sex. It was bizarre. He started not even liking to cuddle anymore.
He started working 4, 5 nights a week. And he seemed stressed, exhausted, and not my loving boyfriend. We'd talk on the phone and he was unsupported, snippy, and critical. I'd complain about a co-worker or something else and he wasn't supportive of me at all.
I was staying positive and supportive to him. He was going to come to my home for Thanksgiving and said he was happy to see my family again. I didn't push it. He offered.
I kept telling him he was going to burn himself out working too much. He insisted he needed the money. But I noticed his whole personality change. I think from burnout. He wasn't enjoying life anymore. He stopped seeing his friends, doing his hobbies, and seeing me.
I brought up Christmas gifts just to get an idea of how we should exchange we had been together 6 months. He got very weird about it and said "it's too soon for that."
I told him "we've been together 6 months, I thought we'd exchange gifts"
Then he said he was just going to get me a gift card. It was a really weird vibe.
One weekend he had to go away on work training. I said I'd watch his pets while he was gone.
The night before we got together, grabbed a bite to eat, laughed and sang in the car, I helped him pack his stuff. He told me he loved me and kissed me goodbye so lovingly.
That's the last time I ever saw him. We texted while he was away. I sent pictures of the pets and me with the pets at his place. Things seemed okay. He came back after the weekend and I didn't see him, as he jumped into working.
I was supportive. He said he'd see me Wednesday.
Okay. So I wait, but then he tells me his friend needs him to help move furniture Wednesday night. He felt like he owed his friend for helping him move previously. So I say okay.
Then he says how his friend thing is cancelled but now he has to help his dad. Weird, but ok. Then he says his dad thing is cancelled, but he took a shift at the 2nd job. Then says he'll see me Friday. I say okay.
He bails on me Friday for the 2nd job. Now I'm feeling really unloved and ignored. I let it go. He calls me after his shift Friday around 9pm. He usually does. But he tells me how he's going out with his guy friends to some bars. I was a bit mad, but never showed or expressed it. He went out with them until 1am.
He usually works the 2nd job Saturday night so I expected to see him Sunday. We usually hangout Sunday. He texts me Saturday night saying how they asked him to work Sunday and he said how sorry he was that he's bailed on me and promises me a nice fancy dinner out Wednesday night.
Honestly, I was so disappointed and I didn't even know if I believed him. So I say "I won't see you sunday?"
He says- "you can swing by in the morning if you want"
This made me mad. Like I can just come chase him. No.
So I said- " are you still into being with me, you just seem so busy working and with your friends"
I figured he'd reassure me. He's always reassured me. But he doesn't.
I don't hear from him that night. No call like I always get.
Sunday morning comes and he texts me "Idk, I don't know if I am ready"
So I call him. No more texting. I ask him what's up.
He says- " I thought I was ready for a serious relationship, but I'm not, I need to work a lot and work on myself and my life."
It's a break up. I'm devastated. I start sobbing. He says he'll call me later- I say "why?"
He says how he'd like to still support me and stay in my life.
I tell him that he's broken my heart and I don't know if I want him as a friend.
I tell him I still have his house keys and all pet stuff from when I watched then the week before. He says he'll pick it up Wednesday night.
I say okay. I tell him I really love him and want to be with him so I hope we can talk Wednesday and he says yes, definitely.
I don't hear from him again. So I message him Wednesday to confirm the plan. He texts right back asking to reschedule.
This annoys me. This is why we aren't together. He tells me he offered to work more.
So we settle and he agrees to come Thursday at 7pm.
I got all ready, looking good and I sat waiting. He never showed. I never contacted him again.
I'm completely shattered and to make it worse, he treated me like dirt standing me up. I deserved so much better than this. I deserve even just basic respect of my time. I threw away his things.
He weirdly dis-followed me on Instagram, but still let's me follow his page. I blocked him. I don't need this in my life.
I should have seen the signs. He didn't have his life together when we met, but he was always working on it. So I thought it was okay. But the past month he stopped coming to my house, only saying I could come to his. And I did, like an idiot. I supported him, but wasn't getting my needs met at all. I was too complacent and kind and giving.
Not asking for specifics, but is there a pattern to the reasons given for the breakup? Are you hearing some of the same words spoken? People aren't always honest or upfront about why they're ending a relationship and often use stock phrases - "it's not you, it's me" - but maybe if similar words or themes keep being given, it might give some insight.
It's interesting that your relationships follow a similar pattern, there's something you can learn there.
You're at the age when most people start to think about marriage, children and family. It's totally normal.
When I was your age I decided, if I were to date seriously again, the kind of man he would be, his character, his family, his values, his life circumstances. When I met my husband, he ticked all the boxes. The only thing I hadn't thought of was children from a first marriage. And sure enough that was the problem area, not between us but coming from his mother, his former wife and his kids. Can't foresee everything.
What kind of man do you want to spend your life with? Not just a warm body to go places with or to come home to but a real person who will be a real partner in life.
Also you seem to be aware of ways you undermine relationships. Continuing to examine these and explore ways to modify the impulse and behavior.
Best wishes.
I honestly don't know what kind of man I want. I know I want someone responsible, mature, funny, sweet, considerate, caring, affectionate, respectful, put together, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink too much, has life mostly together, solid career, empathy, and ambition. I want a guy that is 100% there for me, but also let's me take care of them from time to time. I like cooking for my man. But I don't want to be his mother. My now ex- his place was gross. He said he was cleaning but it was no where near standards of clean. I felt like his mother/maid. He never made feel that way or make me help him. But it was gross so I just felt that way. The last time, when I was pet sitting he left the place so messy and disgusting. I almost wanted to take his pets away. They didn't deserve that life.
But so far, I have met anything but those things. When I mentioned those things on another forum people criticized me for being surface level. I honestly don't know what deeper things I could want. I want a man that wants to grow a great life worh me, travel, make plans, do fun stuff together, eventually get married, have kids.
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