Relationship Vs. Fling (date, girls, kid, friends)
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I'm a close buddy of his dad. Dad and I are old college buddies, knew him before son was born. Kind of an "uncle", as a longtime family friend
And to answer: he says he spoke with her Sunday night. I don't know about Monday, but Tuesday he claims he saw her somewhere, called out to her - she turned, gave him a "half-wave" (his description), and continued on without further acknowledging him.
Again, I'm going by what he claims happened. I don't know what really - I wasn't there.
But the problem is that you're judgingher without knowing the whole story.
Again, why didn't HE walk over to HER, especially since he supposedly "liked" her so much?
Regarding your last paragraph, not sure what you mean by this? Personally, I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to “fall immediately into bed with a guy”. But are you saying these one night stands are not a good idea for some people because one side might take it more seriously than the other? And the result is hurt feelings?
No, I'm saying "sauce for goose = sauce for gander" and if we're going to tell women that if they don't want to be hurt by men who only want sex, they shouldn't have sex quickly (happens often when this sort of thread is posted by a woman about a man, rather than vice versa, and I'm guessing if OP's friend was a woman, the thread wouldn't have gotten this far without such a suggestion), maybe we should be telling OP to advise this guy of the same.
Location: When things get hot they expand. Im not fat. Im hot.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ItsRick24
So a younger man - a friend's son - and I engaged in a conversation, and he wasn't happy.
Apparently he knows a young woman - in fact, likes her - well, they began talking on a Thursday. She invited him over on Friday
I think most of us here know the scenario, but I'll be redundant for the sake of the story: He spends Friday night with her, all of Saturday, into Sunday. He leaves Sunday because he has to prepare to go back to work Monday. He says that he enjoyed his time with her, and she with him.
I believe he said Tuesday, he runs into her somewhere. She gives him a fast glance, a short wave as if to say: "Yeah, see ya!" and walked away as if he were a total stranger. So now he's upset 'cause he really liked her, and she rebuffed him.
So after hearing this, I had to tell him: "I'm sorry to have to hurt your feelings more, but what she wanted was a fling, not a relationship. I've been in that situation, and it can hurt, especially when you develop feelings for her. You were her guy only for the weekend, not long term." I feel empathy for the young man, because as I've said, I've been there. He will find someone who'll want him long term, and I told him this. But he's still wounded.
Just dibbing. I'm old and I haven't dated since the seventies.
JMO. Why do people always assume everything is a worst-case scenario. Try to look for the best side. You'll be a lot happier.
Don't look for trouble when there is none. There could be a thousand reasons why she didn't jump up and down and wave frantically. Some of us just aren't that animated. Also this is a new relationship. So maybe she didn't want the people she was with to be all up in her bizness. Then again maybe she is just as angsty as him and thinks he blew her off cause he didn't call Monday first thing.
And then again he could be right. But he will never know unless he calls her. And he needs to ask her on a real date so that she knows hes interested outside the bedroom. And if she says no then he will know.
The OP's story... He's jumping to a lot of conclusions about that interaction. My Mom taught me a lil something about how to spell the word, "assume"..."make an ass out of u and me."
1. If he assumed that they were exclusive without a conversation about that, then he is being foolish. You have to have the "is this a relationship?" talk. Discuss what it is you're trying to do. For all he knows, she might be dating other people. Doesn't mean that he's got no chance if this is the case, but it's up to him whether he's OK with her not being monogamous with him right then and wants to stick around and see if she still wants to be with him or if she chooses him to become exclusive with. Fine if that's not what he wants, but he should not frame it as her "rejecting" him if she has not actually rejected him. Whatever is happening, he needs to quit overthinking these little "clues" and just talk to her.
2. She may have been out with a friend, coworker, relative, or anything. And perhaps was either focused on whatever she was doing, or did not want to introduce him as her... What? Her friend? Her lover? Her boyfriend? What would one even say to a third party about the guy they just had a fun weekend with, and nothing has really been defined? Whatever she could possibly have said in that situation would then open her up to him interpreting it and draaamaaaa....
3. You know, life and romance is a great deal easier when we set aside all this "gender wars" and "evo-psych" and Universal Theories about Men This and Women That. Seriously. Two humans engage in consensual sex. Each one gave and got a sexual experience, which they shared, and nothing more or less (hopefully at least in regard to sexual health!) The woman shouldn't be assumed to want a forever relationship and the man should not be assumed to want to hit it and quit it. Either of them might catch feels. Or both. Or neither. It's pretty common for one to be feeling feels and the other not. It isn't always the woman. Sometimes those bonding emotions can grow with time, sometimes not. When I really accepted this, I was able to not feel so salty about it when I wanted more than my partner did. Because there have been times when a guy wanted more than I did. I had the right to say no to any element of a possible relationship, and men have all of the consent rights that I've got, too. If he isn't feeling it, he isn't feeling it. I don't have to be happy about it, but there's no call to treat him like he's some sort of a monster or say that he "used me for sex" as though consent to sex creates some kind of transactional obligation for anybody. And now that women can pursue casual sex without necessarily being "ruined" over it, men might need to figure out how to process these situations of unreciprocated love. Which, in my opinion, are somewhat more complicated than the more straightforward "rejection" that men are used to dealing with right up front. Which hurts more? A blow to your ego, or getting the rug yanked out from under you when you actually thought you were in love and it was going somewhere?
Regardless, it's all part of the human experience in life and love. No risk, no reward. A bruised heart is not the end of the world.
Well, the update from what I understand is he's been trying to contact her. His calls went to voicemail; he did contact her via FB messenger, only to get the "I just can't have a relationship now." I'm not insinuating she's being flaky; it could have been just that either he said or did something wrong, or she just got cold feet.
Either he dropped the ball after the weekend by not contacting her after Sunday.
Or he gave her an itch somewhere where the sun doesn't shine.
Or she googled him and found some stuff she did not like.
Or he said something weird when he left.
She did not just decide Monday to never talk to him again even though they had an amazing weekend. SOMETHING must have happened during or after the weekend.
So a younger man - a friend's son - and I engaged in a conversation, and he wasn't happy.
Apparently he knows a young woman - in fact, likes her - well, they began talking on a Thursday. She invited him over on Friday
I think most of us here know the scenario, but I'll be redundant for the sake of the story: He spends Friday night with her, all of Saturday, into Sunday. He leaves Sunday because he has to prepare to go back to work Monday. He says that he enjoyed his time with her, and she with him.
I believe he said Tuesday, he runs into her somewhere. She gives him a fast glance, a short wave as if to say: "Yeah, see ya!" and walked away as if he were a total stranger. So now he's upset 'cause he really liked her, and she rebuffed him.
So after hearing this, I had to tell him: "I'm sorry to have to hurt your feelings more, but what she wanted was a fling, not a relationship. I've been in that situation, and it can hurt, especially when you develop feelings for her. You were her guy only for the weekend, not long term." I feel empathy for the young man, because as I've said, I've been there. He will find someone who'll want him long term, and I told him this. But he's still wounded.
Most younger men aren’t looking/ready for a serious relationship; typically, it’s the other way around - at least in my experience. That said, how does one become ‘wounded’ over someone they’ve only known for a few days (and who obviously sleeps around anyway).
Perhaps this is an opportunity for the dude to get his head on straight; feelings that form over a weekend speak more to insecurity, desperation and dysfunction than to reality. However, not much can be said about the woman either i.e. aloof and cold when she just slept with him. Neither one handled the situation as a healthy adult.
Either he dropped the ball after the weekend by not contacting her after Sunday.
Or he gave her an itch somewhere where the sun doesn't shine.
Or she googled him and found some stuff she did not like.
Or he said something weird when he left.
She did not just decide Monday to never talk to him again even though they had an amazing weekend. SOMETHING must have happened during or after the weekend.
Either he dropped the ball after the weekend by not contacting her after Sunday.
Or he gave her an itch somewhere where the sun doesn't shine.
Or she googled him and found some stuff she did not like.
Or he said something weird when he left.
She did not just decide Monday to never talk to him again even though they had an amazing weekend. SOMETHING must have happened during or after the weekend.
If so, why can’t she communicate such as a healthy adult (as opposed to the ‘see ya’ type attitude described by the OP)? That said, perhaps she should have googled (or taken a little time to get to know) him prior to sleeping with him, lol (and vice versa) if they value their sexual health (and have any common sense whatsoever).
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