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And how old is she? Understandably she might want to go out to dinner and he doesn't like going out. Yes, she's an adult and should be making her own decisions on it. How long has she been complaining about being unhappy? A long time? Just recently? Slowly increasing over a period of time?
Here is one thing to consider: He's almost 80. It's not uncommon for people to get anxiety and/or depression as they get older. He may be uncomfortable being alone and may not be sharing it with her. He may be trying to hide it, leaving her to wonder what the heck is going on. It's not uncommon. He may also be developing dementia. People will try to hide their symptoms of that, too. He may be uncomfortable with her using the computer for social media because he's heard of all the negative aspects of it. Fraud, stalkers, etc. His fears don't have to be rational.
Or maybe he's always been a controlling jerk. Only she knows, and if it's always been the case then she's as much the problem as he is for putting up with it for 20 years.
The thing is, it's always best to stay out of it. She may really just want someone to complain to, not someone to give her advice. People aren't good at taking relationship advice. You can let her know that if she wants to leave you will let her stay with you for a while, or you will help her move, or whatever you feel you can do, but then just cease offering your opinion and be a sympathetic ear. I'm sorry you are unhappy but I don't know what to tell you. Only you know what is best for you to do. Then change the subject.
I am staying out of it! Posting a question on this board won't affect her in any way.
She says marrying him was the biggest mistake of her life; according to her, she doesn't love him, nor does she even like him. But fear of being alone stops her from leaving.
She's been complaining about being unhappy for the ten or more years I've known her. He has always
been difficult to live with.
I'm sorry I ever said I didn't want to be alone on the holiday; that's not the main issue here.
OP I have a friend like yours. She married him 3 years ago after an on/off relationship that spanned a decade. The day before the wedding she said to me "I know I shouldn't do this. I feel it in my bones." Yet she did it anyway, and still complains about him every day. She's not allowed to own a car because she might leave him, throws a fit if she wants have lunch with a girlfriend and he's alienated all her friends over time until I'm the last one. I tried to help her in the past but eventually realized she didn't want real help, just an audience.
It's difficult being friends with someone who seems comfortable in the victim role. He may have her convinced she's unworthy of a healthy relationship but in truth she is the one with the real power, giving him control when she can choose to leave. I also have had to do an audit on my own relationship with her, why are we friends, what am I getting out of this? I wonder if she realizes the emotional stress it puts on those who truly care about her and her wellbeing. My friend is 15 years younger than her husband. She thinks she found some security but in fact has none. Your friend's husband is 80, is she hoping to outlive him and then she'll be happy?
Your friend's husband is 80, is she hoping to outlive him and then she'll be happy?
No, she's very dependent on him for practical things and is unprepared for his death. He won't share with
her any of the financial information she'd need to keep things running.
I am staying out of it! Posting a question on this board won't affect her in any way.
She says marrying him was the biggest mistake of her life; according to her, she doesn't love him, nor does she even like him. But fear of being alone stops her from leaving.
She's been complaining about being unhappy for the ten or more years I've known her. He has always
been difficult to live with.
I'm sorry I ever said I didn't want to be alone on the holiday; that's not the main issue here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Violet Christie
No, she's very dependent on him for practical things and is unprepared for his death. He won't share with
her any of the financial information she'd need to keep things running.
She really got herself into a horrendous, horrendous situation. So she's a weak enabler who got herself in this & now can't get herself out. (Great job (NOT) to her parents for raising such a weak daughter.)
Well, only she can build the strength to end it one day & if she's still been in this for 20+ yrs, who knows if she'll ever get out of it.
Many men purposefully pick weak women to marry so they can get their cake & eat it too & have what is an easy life in their opinion...a wife to come home to (or not always), give them sex, cook, clean, even have their kids, etc., yet they still do what they want...cheat, go out & do whatever, go out w/ the boys whenever, live like they're still single, control the finances, rule the roost, etc. & they know their wives won't say a thing because the wives are weak, no backbone ninnies.
It's sad & I guess if these kinds of wives were never raised to be strong, independent women, it's hard for them to be strong, so I don't know what it will take for your friend to get out of this terrible, unhappy marriage, but as we all know, ONLY she can make the change.
Without him knowing yet of course, especially since she's a softie who I'm sure hates confrontation & is probably afraid of him, she should gradually start finding out how to get divorced & get that all set up, plan out her single life...where she'll live when she's on her own, gradually start packing up the main, important things of hers in the house but not be obvious about it, etc. & just do ALL these things gradually while he's gone & then one day when the time's finally right, she should leave on an ordinary day while he's gone & never come back. I wouldn't even want to leave that ___ a note. The only note(s) left for him will be the divorce papers! Ha, he'd never dream in a million years that she actually had the guts to leave his _____ _____!!!
No, she's very dependent on him for practical things and is unprepared for his death. He won't share with
her any of the financial information she'd need to keep things running.
Has he given her any indication of how his estate will be handled upon his death? Your friend needs to get some answers for her own survival if he passes first. Where will she live, how will she handle paying bills, etc. I would hope she isn't expecting an adult child or relative to take on that burdensome responsibility for the rest of her life. Is she planning on moving in with you and letting you the enjoy taking care of her forever? Whats the plan? She has the right to know any and all aspects of their finances. If she's not going to insist on seeing this information, why not?
Has he given her any indication of how his estate will be handled upon his death? Your friend needs to get some answers for her own survival if he passes first. Where will she live, how will she handle paying bills, etc. I would hope she isn't expecting an adult child or relative to take on that burdensome responsibility for the rest of her life. Is she planning on moving in with you and letting you the enjoy taking care of her forever? Whats the plan? She has the right to know any and all aspects of their finances. If she's not going to insist on seeing this information, why not?
I don't know, but she's financially independent of him as it is. The good thing is she has the money to hire help for whatever she'll need.
BTW, she's told me more about the "tantrum" he threw over NYE. He was jumping up and down, red in the face...
she was afraid he'd have a heart attack. And he later said he'd gotten chest pains and was afraid himself. I suggested she get counseling to strengthen her own self-worth and ability to stand up to him, and she's receptive to the idea.
With all due respect, Jakobslander, your take is completely wrong. I don’t understand why you’d turn this into an attack on me.
She and I have had dinner together on New Year’s Eve many times in the past and he hasn’t minded. He doesn’t like any of her friends. He won’t even let her family stay over. Now that I think of it, NONE of her other friends are married. I’m not the only one he’s prevented her from getting together with. And as I mentioned above, he doesn’t allow her to go on any social media sites. He has put his foot down to many other things she’s wanted to do. The control goes far beyond anything having to do with me.
A trusted advisor has told her to leave him. Her family advises her to keep a suitcase packed so she can leave at any moment if need be. Don’t know if this matters to you, but the husband is almost 80.
Violet Christie, I am giving you my undivided and neutral opinion. You are WAY too involved in your friend's relationship. If she had a "trusted advisor" (whatever that is, I certainly do not,) tell her to leave this guy and she hasn't it's probably because she's been fluffing up her case a bit too much. Enforcing a boundary IS NOT abuse.
You do understand that your friend can walk away from her relationship at any point right? She is a grown up after all.
So far, the way you've presented your case, it makes it sound like he is an abuser about to put a gun to her head. Yet, your friend is unwilling to leave the guy and instead decides to go to dinner with you on New Year's Eve to complain about her problems.
And yet, she doesn't tell him and instead chooses to tell you.
Is this a sugardaddy/sugarbaby situation? Be honest.
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