Question about a friend's marriage (girlfriend, men, love, younger)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
No they dont. Compromise, sacrifice, opinions, support, encouragement but not control.
Fine but the end result is the same. Spouses often have to compromise on their social engagements and perhaps not attend some of them. Especially if there are children involved.
Fine but the end result is the same. Spouses often have to compromise on their social engagements and perhaps not attend some of them. Especially if there are children involved.
Compromise and control are different beasts. In compromise one willingly makes concessions for the greater good or good of the whole, while control forces ones will on another.
She's well aware of how toxic he is, but her fear of being alone keeps her stuck. It's very sad.
Being alone is so much better than what she has now! Plus, if she were "alone", she'd be able to hang out with her friends whenever she wanted. She'd probably be less "alone" than she is now! And she'd be able to join new social circles, book clubs or bridge clubs or whatever, take classes, create a life for herself. And she'd have her sanity and self-respect.
You might float the idea by her, to maybe help her reframe independence as something positive.
In the husband’s defense, we are off the road by 6 p.m. on NYE because of “all the crazies.” This year there is a whole afternoon of pro football games to add alcoholic fuel to the fire.
Don't pay any attention, to any day of the week, any time of the day, you may encounter a sleep-deprived driver (equivalent to a drunk driver), someone driving riskily with prescription drugs, and with legalized marijuana, stoned drivers. One report says that 60% of drivers on the road today shouldn't even be driving.
Be extra safe out there, any time of the day or night!
Don't pay any attention, to any day of the week, any time of the day, you may encounter a sleep-deprived driver (equivalent to a drunk driver), someone driving riskily with prescription drugs, and with legalized marijuana, stoned drivers. One report says that 60% of drivers on the road today shouldn't even be driving.
Be extra safe out there, any time of the day or night!
Yeah, my thoughts also. I think he was just saying that to prevent her from meeting a friend and having fun while he was going to stay at home alone.
Being selfish is just another character trait to add.
I’d like your opinion of this situation. My friend has been married over twenty years,
but she’s not very happy in the marriage.
She invited me to go out to dinner this New Year’s Eve. I was delighted to accept and
really looked forward to it, as I hate the thought of spending that holiday alone. Yesterday
she had to cancel because her husband "threw a tantrum" over it. He won’t let her go
because he doesn’t want her driving when all “the crazies” are on the road.
She can’t even go out early that evening.
She gives him so much power because if not, he threatens the silent treatment
and she can’t stand living with the animosity.
Have you ever heard of a husband dictating his wife’s social life this way?
He’s done things like this before as well.
Thanks!
My take is that you're holding back a lot so that the guy comes out looking like a controlling a-hole and she comes out looking like a victim. He does not seem to like you, and you seem to be too invested in their relationship (I wonder what came first...) Uncomfortably invested if you ask me.
There's a lot to unpack here but let me start by saying that...
1) SHE has the power to walk away if her relationship isn't going well. It's called habeas corpus. Feel free to tell your friend that you yourself are unable to lock in a partner and that you're in no position to dish out relationship advice. It's as if you have a friend whose car just broke down and you, who has no car, is giving her mechanical and car maintenance advice;
2) She should NOT be talking to you about her relationship issues, it's called cheating. Literally. Your friend is intentionally preventing her mate from his ability to make informed decisions, and that is a no no with guys. She should instead concentrate on making the relationship better, and that includes marital and/or individual counseling. If the guy ever finds out she is talking to you about their issues... it's going to get nasty. If they both go to counseling and the relationship or the communication in the relationship does not improve, LEAVE. The planet isn't going to stop spinning because their relationship comes to an end;
3) To say that she wants to go to dinner with you on New Year's Eve is weird is an understatement. Don't know why she OR YOU agreed to it but... it's really WEIRD and surely made things worst for your friend;
4) Her husband seems to not like you. Since you're alone, maybe he sees you as a bad influence on her. My grandmother used to say that "a married woman's worst enemy are her single friends;"
5) SHE is being the controlling entity in this relationship, NOT HIM. He seems to be trying to enforce a boundary, albeit in a very "unconventional" way, but a boundary nonetheless. Like I said, YOU of all people going out with HER on New Year's Eve seems to be a legit reason to enforce it.
Put it this way: Him exercising his option (that she not go out with you on NYE) does not prevent her from accepting the boundary (she can just say "screw it, I'm going any way.") But for her to be able to exercise her option of going to dinner with her friend on NYE she MUST prevent him from enforcing a boundary. Hence SHE is the one trying to control HIM.
To end the comment I'd really advise that you end talking to your friend about her relationship. Tell her to go to therapy and to ask her husband to go to and end it there. Talking to a therapist about relationship issues can do wonders for the relationship. Talking to you about her relationship is a disaster waiting to happen.
Last edited by Jakobslander; 01-06-2024 at 06:25 AM..
With all due respect, Jakobslander, your take is completely wrong. I don’t understand why you’d turn this into an attack on me.
She and I have had dinner together on New Year’s Eve many times in the past and he hasn’t minded. He doesn’t like any of her friends. He won’t even let her family stay over. Now that I think of it, NONE of her other friends are married. I’m not the only one he’s prevented her from getting together with. And as I mentioned above, he doesn’t allow her to go on any social media sites. He has put his foot down to many other things she’s wanted to do. The control goes far beyond anything having to do with me.
A trusted advisor has told her to leave him. Her family advises her to keep a suitcase packed so she can leave at any moment if need be. Don’t know if this matters to you, but the husband is almost 80.
Jeez. He doesn’t want her out on the road on the most dangerous night of the year to drive because the holiday is based on drinking. Sounds like a caring husband to me. Butt out of their life. It is unreal that some of you tell her to leave him. What stupid advice! Maybe she loves him. Maybe she believes in the scantity of marriage. Who knows the reason but simply because he is worried about her? You all need to mind your own business including the OP, who has nothing to do with their marriage either. She hates being alone on a holiday yet your advice is for the wife to leave the husband and be alone 365 days a year and lose everything she ever invested in their marriages
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
