Another date, Another Dud? (dates, men, singles, child)

[Threestep2]

Please get off line for a while to get yourself under control.

[Mandi9]

Yeah I think just too much baggage, the outfit, the kid, the weird spiritual marriage. He does ask a lot about me and wants to get to know me well it seems. I like that. He even asked my love language.

[Winter Sucks]

Why are you SO eager to date?

[RubyandPearl]

Some answers from quora on pagan wedding ceremonies:

It’s perfectly legal to hold and attend such a wedding - you won’t get arrested for doing it; but it doesn’t create a marriage in the eyes of the law. A pagan couple who want to be officially, legally married can have whatever pagan ceremony they like, but they will also need to do the legal deed at a registry office.

In the United States no ceremony is “legal” or required.

What is required is a legal marriage certificate signed by the spouses, the officiate, and in some states two witnesses. The certificate is then recorded at the courthouse and you are legally married.

You can have whatever type of ceremony you want.

No ceremony is required. No ceremony without a license recorded by the court is legal or binding.


So unless the idea itself of a pagan wedding ceremony is disturbing, he was not legally married.

However that's the least of his problems, most of which have already been pointed out here.

I don't think you should stop dating, what's the point of that? Not dating won't solve anything.

However if you have any in person social events or opportunities, take them.

[Damnitjanet]

This guy would be a hard no for me.

Most people try to dress nice to make a good first impression. This guy didn't bother. He is working at the dollar store, he doesn't have a steady career and he has a kid. This guy just isn't in a position to date.

The fact he is into some weird religion that is incompatible with your own is just another reason to take a pass.

[ellie]

You’re kind to point out his best points but he’s not good relationship material for you.

Since you seem to have your priorities, stick with them. You can do better.

[Mink57]

Originally Posted by Mandi9

Been talking to this guy online. He seems very eager and into chatting. We finally made a plan to meet up for a coffee date.

I dress up quite stylishly. That's just who I am. I curl my hair, do my makeup, put my best foot forward. He mentions how he might be there early and will wait for me. I get there and he's not there. The place was so small, it felt awkward to stand waiting, so I go up and order a coffee. I'm handing over money to pay when he walks in. So I pay for my own coffee. Then he orders his and he pays for his. No big deal.

We sit down and I immediately notice what he's wearing. Sweatpants, thermal shirt, and crocs. It was bizarre. Obviously no effort into the look. He even mentions how I look so nice am I'm showing him up.

We talk and laugh and he was nice to talk to.

But the cons:

He has an 8 year old daughter. He has her Thursday through Saturday every week. Pays child support.

He seems like a good day. He takes her on trips, playmates, activities, bakes with her, and seems dedicated to her. I think that's really nice.

I ask if he was married to her mother. He says no, but then adds- well not legally, we did do I wiccan ceremony.

I'm a little taken back by this. I'm very religious into my Christian faith, and tell him so. He tells me he essentially isn't into that and her mother was at the time.

Now I feel odd. Is he married spiritually? That's like getting married in my Christian church but not legally doing the paperwork, so am I still married? I'm struggling with this in my head, because I am a person of faith, so in the wiccan faith then they are married? Bound for life?

That concerns me.

Then he tells me how he went to college go be a chef and was one for years, but because of his daughter, cooking Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights wasn't conducive to his parenting schedule. So he left being a chef to raise his daughter and has been working odd jobs for years. He cooked at a diner, worked at a wood mill, dollar store.

Currently he's in school to get his MBA masters degree. I thought this was admirable. I have a solid career with a masters myself. He says once he's finished he hopes that will garner him a career.

So on the side, he substitute teaches,works part time at the college, and works at a dollar store.

So he doesnt havd a career or steady income.

Then he tells me how his parents signed over their home to him. He lives there with them. His father is dying, his words- kept on a machine to live. His mother had a stroke and can't use half her body. So he tales care of them, the house, all if their affairs and lives there for free and will inherit their house upon their death which he made sound soon.

That was a lot to hear.


He seemed to like to have fun, and mentioned activities we could do together. He wants to travel in the future, as do I. We went for a walk after our date. At one point he tried putting his arm around me and pulling me close. I was extremely awkward and stiff pulling away.


I'm really trying to be reserved and not let anything cloud my judgement. Try to get to know someone clearly. Take my time.

He wants to go out again, but I'm very unsure.

I don't get what you're "very unsure" about. You've outlined more than enough that could give most people pause for thought...and say 'no' to a second date.

He said he "might" show up early? Did YOU show up early or were you on time? If you were on time, and he was late, that would be my first 'yellow' flag.

He shows up in sweats? Red flag...

No real steady income? Another Red flag...

Tried putting his arm around you? On a 'coffee date'? Yeah...I'm done.

I'd let this guy go...not necessarily because he's a 'bad' guy, but because his life seems to be a bit chaotic right now. He's got a lot on his plate, and I wouldn't be sure where I could 'fit in'.

Please don't let the idea that he may be a 'nice' guy cloud your judgment. Nice people can also be slobs...and unkempt...and have chaotic lives...and have other issues.

You already know what to do, Mandi...

[MrRational]

Originally Posted by Mandi9

Been talking to this guy online. He seems very eager and into chatting.
We finally made a plan to meet up for a coffee date.

Stop calling such a first meeting a DATE.
You have painted yourself into the same corner. Again.

[SnazzyB]

For me...and I'd find it insulting, is that he couldn't be bothered to make a good first impression by dressing ADEQUATELY!

That's telling me "Don't expect me to make an effort."

I'm worth making an effort for. Mandi, YOU are worth making an effort for.

[The Dissenter]

My bottom line is that this guy and you are not a match. But the outfit put you off? I spent NYE in cold af Columbus, OH and sweats and thermals don’t sound out of line to me if it is cold where the date takes place. If they are clean they can be stylish. Now I wouldn’t be impressed if a woman came in with that on a date but I’d understand if we were in the North during the winter and not be put off by it.