She wants nyc, i want suburbs how to make it work (dating, boyfriend)

[mrrino002]

Having a problem with current girlfriend , we been together 9 years , im 28 she is 25 , she moved to nyc about 2 years ago and i been living in NJ about an hour away. the relationship sorta turned into just a weekend fling. Anyway things are starting to not work out.. we need to live together if any future going to happen with us.
she wants to stay in the city and i want nothing to do with the city.. I would like to get married , but want to live together first before getting married or starting a family. but again i want nothing to do with nyc. i hate trains , i hate taxis , i hate buses, i hate walking .. I even suggested moving closer to the city about 20 to 30 mins away like in matawan or laurance harbour area.

but she isnt ready to leave the city and wants me to move there with her,

while i want to buy a home with a yard and pool and have a family

how can we comprimise , and i think its odd , dont most people want to start a family away from the city??

i want my kids to play in a pool not a fire hydrant lol ... she didnt like that comment!!

[JonathanLB]

Hmm, this is going to be tough for me to answer totally unbiased because the idea of moving to the 'burbs and starting a family makes me cringe, it's just such an ordinary, boring life decision that it's hard for me not to get a little repulsed. But let me get past that...

First, I agree with you that NYC blows, I mean let's face it who wants to take a taxi and public transportation everywhere? This isn't Europe (yet). Most people like driving cars and the best of all is in cities without overcrowding where you drive from Point A to Point B and it's very simple. The greatest part about living back in Portland, OR, for me was most of the benefits of a major city, but theaters and other businesses are expected to have parking lots. In Los Angeles these bloodsuckers think that it's acceptable to start a business with NO PARKING whatsoever, and then I'm stuck paying some other bloodsucker money to park my car. Well screw that! Theaters in Portland have sometimes a thousand parking spaces, you drive your car there, you park. Simple. In NYC there's no parking at all, so you have to take a freakin' taxi or a limo anywhere, or "use the subway," as if that's cool. It's not cool. It's full of bums, lower class people, and it's dirty. Nobody with class would want to take the subway all over the place, unless they kid themselves into thinking it's cool, which we've already established -- it isn't!

And you are right, if you want to raise a family you don't start a family in the city in some small apartment or a condo. That's why I get pissed at my neighbors when they start pumping out kids. I live in a condo downtown Los Angeles FOR A REASON. I don't want to see kids running around, this is for single people and couples, and apparently gay couples, but it's not for kids and should never be for kids. Move to the 'burbs if you want to have kids, grrr. So you're right about that. These kids deserve a place to play or go outside, not be stuck in a condo all of the time. I like this lifestyle, it's preferable to me, but for kids it's not the ideal atmosphere to grow up in.

So are you sure she's on the same page with you? I mean does this chick want kids any time soon? Because city life is WAY more exciting than living in the 'burbs with the rest of society's mediocre masses, going through life's little checklist of things to do before you die. Maybe she's not ready for that yet, she wants the excitement. I may hate NYC in most respects, but I'll give the city it's fair due, it has amazing bars and clubs, some of the best in the world, if you have the money, and it's a late-night city, unlike Los Angeles, where bars close early like it's communist China or something. NYC is full of great restaurants to enjoy as well, lots of interesting people, a lot of culture, I mean it's an exciting city. Maybe she wants to enjoy that more. To me, NYC wouldn't be any fun unless I went there with at least $10 million in liquid assets, and even then I couldn't handle the bad weather. I'm a very strong person but must admit my weakness is bad weather. I cannot tolerate it. It is depressing to me and really not something I want to deal with on a daily basis.

[mrrino002]

another thing is , she hasnt really 'lived" the city life , such as payment wise .. she has been living in a upscale apt , with doorman and indoor pool , gym and celebrities in the building and paying 500 dollar month rent.. her family friend raised her rent to 750 a month... this place easily rents for 4000 a month.. she actually has to move out now , and find a new place ...and thats where this whole , where to live thing started... cause she isnt going to find anything cheaper than 1200 a month and isnt going to have a luxury doorman and safety of where she was

[JonathanLB]

Dang, where she was living before sounds posh, that might be fun If you have the money there are some excellent places to live in NYC. If not, you're stuck with the roaches.

[mrrino002]

upper west side in one of donal trump apts ... montel williams, diane turner, bryan gumble , live in the building, across the street , jeter , jayz , dikeme mutombo , miss america

[JonathanLB]

Sweet! Yeah I would like a massive penthouse if I was going to be there, like that $48 million one that sold to some real estate developer, hehe.

[azoria]

You've been with this girl since she was 16?! And you're just now finding out the two of you are miles apart on world view? Were you not paying attention for the last 9 years, or you thought you could change who she was?

Your plans of moving her to the suburbs to raise a family do not seem destined for success. Take her for what she is or find a replacement. Never try to change people. It always fails.

[miu]

Originally Posted by mrrino002

Having a problem with current girlfriend , we been together 9 years , im 28 she is 25 , she moved to nyc about 2 years ago and i been living in NJ about an hour away. the relationship sorta turned into just a weekend fling. Anyway things are starting to not work out.. we need to live together if any future going to happen with us.

So... you were 19 and she was 16 years old when you first became a couple? I'd say that the two of you have grown apart and the relationship has run its course. I don't know if she was your first girlfriend ever, but it sure seems like you've been her only boyfriend in her life. Basically there is no compromise place between living in exciting NYC and the much duller 'burbs for her. There are better work opportunities for her in the city and that takes care of the weekdays. Then for the weekends, again, there is no comparison in terms of things to do. And if you make her move out of the city (where she probably has a very active circle of friends) she will eventually get frustrated with her life and want to break up with you.

In the nine years, did you both have a chance to go to college? What do you both do for work? Does she even want to get married and have kids in the near future? What is her timetable to start having kids? And if you marry and have kids, is she willing to be a stay at home mom?

This post reminds me of Sex and the City when Carrie is dating the country boy played by John Corbett.

Otherwise, if you aren't ready to break up with her, then the only choice you have is to see if in a couple of years, she gets tired of city life. But you can't nag her to leave it early for the sake of you and the relationship.

[Sprawling_Homeowner]

Your girlfriend is absolutely clueless of what living in Manhattan is about if she cannot afford $750 on monthly rent. She was living in an upscale building where apartments easily rent for $4k and she was paying one-eight of that?

My assumption is that your girlfriend, being still relatively young and a newcomer to New York City, is at a point in her career where she doesn’t make truckloads of money. If she made a half-decent salary by Manhattan standards, $750/month for rent should be no problem for her.

Please don’t be offended, but she’s spoiled. Spoiled by the fun, nightlife, and convenience New York City offers. And I don’t blame her – when you’re in your 20s and you live and work in Manhattan, there’s probably no better city in the United States in terms of convenience, entertainment opportunities, and experience. But as you said – she has had a doorman and a pool, with a gym and even celebrities as neighbors?

She will be lucky to find a decent-sized STUDIO at a far less glamorous part of Manhattan (think the Village) for THREE TIMES what she’s been paying. And what about groceries? Transportation? Fun money? Shopping?

Again, perhaps I’m being judgmental, and correct me if I am, but your girlfriend is not only not realistic about what living in New York City truly means, but she’s also not ready to marry. A lot of people who come to New York City to work (Americans from other areas and expatriates) love New York City for the reasons I listed, but at the same time, many turn to the nice suburbs of upstate New York, New Jersey, Long Island, and Connecticut when they get a little older and/or when they want to marry. Alternatively, many buy and settle in new developments (which are comparable to New York City proper in terms of costs) such as the nice areas near Pavonia/Newport.

I don’t even live in New York City; I live in a small town very close to it, and I love Manhattan for many reasons. But when it comes to settling down, nothing beats the suburbs. And IMO, unless you’re one of those high-earners who can afford Battery Park City, or a well-off artsy type married to a model who owns a luxury loft in Soho; or the offspring of a wealthy family who lives and shops near Columbus Circle… the odds are you simply cannot afford to properly raise a family in Manhattan.

She needs a reality check – let her settle into her new closet and then she’ll probably and gradually find the open spaces, cleaner air, and quiet mornings of suburbia more appealing.

[JonathanLB]

I love the smell of suburbia in the morning. Smells like... mediocrity!