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I have been browsing around the relationships forum and have seen quite a bit of relationships that never seem to get closure. I'm still a young man (just under 30) and know I have a lot to learn, but the closure thing bugs me.
In my particular case, I was 23 and ready to marry my GF of 5 years when I caught her with another guy. She denied everything, huge misunderstanding, yada yada... Then she married him a few months later. I went from living with her and talking with her everyday, to never seeing her again. It's been about 5 years since that fiasco.
My question is, when a relationship you cared so much for ends abruptly with no explaination, can you get closure without the offending party's assistance? Estranged parents, friends, spouses.. I think the feeling is all the same. When someone flagrantly wrongs you, how do you just "let it go," knowing they have no remorse whatsoever for what they did?
Well I'm certainly not a relationship expert. I do have an opinion though on your question. I think it's "letting go". Letting go of the pain that you felt, letting go of the questions wondering "why", and letting yourself understand that you didn't deserve to be treated that way. Then moving on and enjoying life. I think through those deliberate actions and time, you realize that it is closed. You become a different and stronger person. That probably makes sense to no one but me, but I'll say closure feels very good when you realize you've made it there.
i agree with bluegrassgirl, letting it go does help...thats if you can let it go. Those what if, why me questions are SO damn hard to not think about! I dont think anyone is a relationship expert so its a hard question to answer, but i think things are easier to close if you do have the other party to talk it out with. If not there's always time. I dont think its closure but its letting the pain be forgotten. I dont know if any of that made sense, i guess you gotta let it marinate! hope i helped a little ebo. if you need to talk dm me im a great listener!
Kel
I don't think it's as easy as letting it go, ebo. Saying that is like saying "Oh this class is so easy, it's going to be so easy, I kind of already know everything anyways" and then having your ass kicked by the material because you thought it was too easy.
You don't really let things go. Over time you become a different person and you return to that pain at different points, with decreasing frequency, and every time it hurts a little bit less. Let life involve you with other things: focus on going out to the movies with friends, or your job, or everything else that suddenly has to bear the excess gravity of sorrow. This too shall pass. Over time, other things come to have more meaning and slowly (or quickly, sometimes you can be surprised) you stop caring.
Frankly I think your issue right now is that you never got to say "What the #$!%Y$%&#$%, I never got to set you right!" Sounds to me like this girl just wandered off.
So in your place? I'd call her up and chew her out over the phone, or confront both her and her husband. It'll make you feel so much better Since you should never harass someone, be polite about it, but do let her know that she did something stupid and terrible and she out to feel bad for it.
I have been browsing around the relationships forum and have seen quite a bit of relationships that never seem to get closure. I'm still a young man (just under 30) and know I have a lot to learn, but the closure thing bugs me.
In my particular case, I was 23 and ready to marry my GF of 5 years when I caught her with another guy. She denied everything, huge misunderstanding, yada yada... Then she married him a few months later. I went from living with her and talking with her everyday, to never seeing her again. It's been about 5 years since that fiasco.
My question is, when a relationship you cared so much for ends abruptly with no explaination, can you get closure without the offending party's assistance? Estranged parents, friends, spouses.. I think the feeling is all the same. When someone flagrantly wrongs you, how do you just "let it go," knowing they have no remorse whatsoever for what they did?
Any advice is greatly appreciated!!!
First of all, you want to thank this other man for coming along and rescuing you from this woman. If it were not for him, you might be married to her right now. He showed you what you were unable to see. (Don't thank him in person, but in your heart, thank him.)
You want closure, because you are still asking yourself, "What did I do wrong?" and "What is wrong with me that she chose him?" and "Did I drive her to do this?" These are the kinds of questions that keep you up late at night.
Closure comes when that little light bulb in your head goes off and you say, "Wow, it wasn't me. It was HER." You haven't reached that point yet. You just don't get it yet. How will you get it?
Sometimes it takes a lot of time, and then you get it. Therapy is another option, which might help you work through things a little faster. You can also talk to friends and family to get some feedback. My guess is that they may have noticed clues, but didn't want to say anything at the time.
Now, it could be that you played a part in this breakup. But I do think it is strange for her to sleep with another man, lie about it, and then end up marrying him a few months later. I mean, if things weren't working out, she could have just told you. She could have said, "You know, Ralph, you're just not giving me the 24-hour worship that I crave," but instead she acted out sexually -- not very grownup of her, was it?
When you finally meet the "woman" that you plan to marry and make your life-long partner, you'll be grateful that things turned out the way they did.
Greenie
P.S. Plus, coldwine is right. You're probably pissed off and still sitting with all this anger. You got dumped on your head and those two ran of a skippin' and a jumpin' into happy-happy land. Well, trust me, it's all an illusion.
Last edited by GreenMachine; 11-25-2007 at 09:59 PM..
Letting go gets easier with time and also once you realize that most everyone has several failed relationships in their lifetime. It takes a few tries before you find the right one for you. Plus instead of dwelling on yourself and your situation, look around at other people and couples and see that you are not alone with your failed relationship. Sorry about your ex. She sounds like a jerk, but it's hard to say how evil she really was. Some people, when they fall out of love with their partner and suddenly feel an attraction to someone else that makes them feel good, they just suck at being honest and telling their partner the truth of the situation. Especially if they still like their partner a lot, but just don't feel in madly love with them anymore.
This is partly why I disagree with the thread about blindly following your heart. If you find yourself in love with someone else, after a hard think about the situation, you have to make that difficult choice. And if you decide to move on, the first relationship must be dealt with and finished before moving on to the next person. Cheating is unacceptable. It's wrong to sample the grass on both sides of the fence at once.
ebo202 - I think what you need to do to just "let go" is to forgive your ex for what she did - that is, to me, essential to letting go. The nice thing about forgiveness is you don't have to have anyone's permission to do so - you don't even have to ever see her again. You forgive for yourself and not for the people who wronged you. You can never make her see how wrong she was for hurting you but that shouldn't stop you from living your life well.
I have been browsing around the relationships forum and have seen quite a bit of relationships that never seem to get closure. I'm still a young man (just under 30) and know I have a lot to learn, but the closure thing bugs me.
In my particular case, I was 23 and ready to marry my GF of 5 years when I caught her with another guy. She denied everything, huge misunderstanding, yada yada... Then she married him a few months later. I went from living with her and talking with her everyday, to never seeing her again. It's been about 5 years since that fiasco.
My question is, when a relationship you cared so much for ends abruptly with no explaination, can you get closure without the offending party's assistance? Estranged parents, friends, spouses.. I think the feeling is all the same. When someone flagrantly wrongs you, how do you just "let it go," knowing they have no remorse whatsoever for what they did?
Any advice is greatly appreciated!!!
Your 29 and this happened when you were 23, thats a long time to hang on to something, have you went on with your life and dated and such? You can have remorse for what she did but you shouldn't let it overpower you.
Tell us how this affects your life. i suggest you get some professional
counceling to help you get past this.
The only thing i can tell you is to get out and enjoy yourself, you just have to forget it, if you let the past rule over you, your limiting you future.
Good luck
...Then she married him a few months later. I went from living with her and talking with her everyday, to never seeing her again. It's been about 5 years since that fiasco.
Any advice is greatly appreciated!!!
Everyone gets screwed over a few times in there life. Maybe the screw job is a speeding ticket that you truly didn't deserve, maybe its getting sued for something you had no control over, maybe its a woman (or a man) who screws you over.
Very very few people make it through life without one or two big screw jobs; And when I say big screw jobs I don't mean the small stuff, I mean a real screw job like what this chick did to you. You got screwed on this one-- theres no explaining it or justifying it, you just got screwed. Thats all. Understanding it for what it is should help some.
As stated above, forgiving her is the first step to moving on. I think you'll never be happy in any future relationship until you make peace with your hurt feelings. Any future woman in your life will be the recepient of these feelings and its not fair to her.
I can imagine how hard it must have been for you, but its been a while, and you are a lot wiser now-a lot more than you know.
Once you find it in your heart to forgive and forget, you'll feel a huge burden being lifted off your shoulders and then, you'll find it easier to move on.
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Since you should never harass someone, be polite about it, but do let her know that she did something stupid and terrible and she out to feel bad for it.
