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To the OP....you're defensive when people call you on your foolish and pathetic behavior. But what did you expect? You're having an affair with a married woman who has children. No matter what spin you put on it, it's WRONG WRONG WRONG. And very few here are going to give you the affirmation you're looking for.
You say we don't understand, and that things aren't always as they seem. What's not to understand? A woman with children is cheating on her husband and won't end the marriage because she doesn't want to lose the house. Okay. Fine. She doesn't want to leave her husband because she doesn't want to lose her house. BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY FOR HER TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. (Please read and re-read that last sentence).
Just because someone is unhappy and feels trapped in a marriage, that in no way justifies having an affair. I get so tired of cheaters using that as an excuse. If you're unhappy in your marriage, you can get out. And if you refuse to get out, then stay and honor your marriage vows.
This is exactly right. Not all marriages are made in heavan and should be preserved at all costs. BUT, anyone in a bad marriage has the obligation to end that marriage FIRST. I know it can be hard to do that when you've already got feelings for someone else but it can be done. The couple "in love" should take some time away to deal with their own individual situations, then get back in touch when they are truly free to be together. If people did this more often they might find the "love of their life" never really wanted to be free to get together after all.
No...it's not a cop out. A convenient excuse? NO. If she wanted to end her marriage, she should have done that BEFORE becoming involved with this guy. This is ridiculous line of thought...staying together for the kids is not the best thing to do but if they were really just staying together for the kids she should have gotten divorced BEFORE the affiair.
I think you misunderstand me - I said "staying together for the kids is just a cop out sometimes". That doesn't mean it's not a worthwhile thing to attempt to do - preserving families intact when possible is very important.
What I meant was, for people with no intention of leaving the situations they are in (they want to have their cake and eat it too) they use this as a big excuse to the other person when it's not really the real reason they won't leave.
I think you misunderstand me - I said "staying together for the kids is just a cop out sometimes". That doesn't mean it's not a worthwhile thing to attempt to do - preserving families intact when possible is very important.
What I meant was, for people with no intention of leaving the situations they are in (they want to have their cake and eat it too) they use this as a big excuse to the other person when it's not really the real reason they won't leave.
I'm NOT one that thinks staying together for the kids is usually the best thing to do. But, at the same time, three things apply to this situation:
1. Leaving your spouse FOR SOMEONE ELSE is never a good thing to do. Leaving should be for personal reasons within your relationship that shouldn't be influenced by an outside affair.
2. The reason I mentioned the kids is that her moving from their father directly to a new guy would be VERY traumatic for them and they need to come BEFORE any guys in her life.
3. Affairs almost NEVER work out long term. Even after the woman divorces her husband, there will be no trust in their relationship. Neither is a very trustworthy person as evidenced by the affair and they have too much of a "sneaky", dramatic history for it to ever be a stable relationship.
I'm NOT one that thinks staying together for the kids is usually the best thing to do. But, at the same time, three things apply to this situation:
1. Leaving your spouse FOR SOMEONE ELSE is never a good thing to do. Leaving should be for personal reasons within your relationship that shouldn't be influenced by an outside affair.
2. The reason I mentioned the kids is that her moving from their father directly to a new guy would be VERY traumatic for them and they need to come BEFORE any guys in her life.
3. Affairs almost NEVER work out long term. Even after the woman divorces her husband, there will be no trust in their relationship. Neither is a very trustworthy person as evidenced by the affair and they have too much of a "sneaky", dramatic history for it to ever be a stable relationship.
I do somewhat agree with you, though not completely.
I would add to your comments that IDEALLY you don't leave your spouse for someone else - it is of course better to leave for the reasons that exist between the married couple without the influence of a third party.
And yes, care should be taken to lessen the trauma to kids wherever possible, so even once a spouse leaves they can't immediately start living with the new person - there needs to be time for everyone to grieve and adjust to the changes in the family.
But, affairs DO certainly grow into long term committed marriages sometimes, not sure of the percentage of times, but when the right person comes along and you know it in your bones it can happen, regardless of how the relationship started. So I just cannot agree with you about affairs that turn into marriages being "unstable" or not "trusting". Sure that can happen, but I've seen it go the other way plenty of times too.
To the OP, every situation is not the same. Things are not always cut and dried. While I can't ever imagine getting myself into the situation that you're in, it's too late for that, so now you've got to think about what's best for you, the woman you're in love with, and her kids.
You sound like the kind of person that is emotionally very giving, and probably someone who doesn't fall in love at the drop of a hat. So telling you that there are a lot of other great women out there probably isn't going to mean much to you right now. You're caught up in the big picture, which is that you are in love with someone you can't actually have right now. You're probably hopeful that that might change at some point, but only the woman you're involved with is the one who knows whether it ever will. You have to try to focus on the details of this relationship and the effect that it is having on your life--what this means for your future, everyday happiness and how this is creating an emotional rollercoaster for yourself and for her. If she is ever going to be with you on your terms, you need to know it now. No excuses. Because if that is the case, there are many, many steps to take care of (mostly by her) in order to get there. She may truly love you, but be coasting on her view of the big picture as well, and not be able or ready to handle all the emotional and the financial details of a breakup with her husband. And she has to think of her kids first. That's just being a good mother.
If I were you, I would go see a therapist or counselor for yourself. And once you've explained the situation and talked about it with that person,then I would set up a joint counseling session for you and this other woman. A good couples therapist will be able to ascertain where this woman stands, if you have any doubts. And will be able to ask the hard questions that you might not be able to. If she truly wants to start a new life with you, she'll agree to talk to someone about the situation. Because if she really wants what you want, there are a myriad of steps that have to be taken to get there; it will be a long road. Ultimately, you need to get more information from her as to her level of commitment to a future with you, and then you need to decide if it's worth waiting for.
OP, I don't think she's ever going to leave her husband. If she truly wanted to, she would have long before now. It's not really that hard to get a divorce in NY, does take time, but not 4 years. In other words, if she truly wanted out of her marriage, she would have done so 3-4 years ago.
Also, I've always heard, "he who cheats with you, will also cheat ON you." It's also true, and works for both genders.
You deserve to find an emotionally available partner, and it's not your current girlfriend.
Thank You for the very insightful thoughts. You were very kind, yet honest. He knows of me, but not me. See he hardly works she is the one paying everything. She just gets buy as the catch is they have a home with no payment in the fathers name. Thank you so much again. This my reply hope I am doing it correctly.
BBJ
Okay ... now I'm really confused. You said in your original post that she stays with her husband for the money and here you state that she is the breadwinner???
You can't even keep your own story straight - much less dealing with a lying, cheating wh*re.
You mean well so thank you for your time. This is a bet you would lose though. Of course you will think I am neive or just plain stupid, but this woman has been with me only (including husband) romantically in close to 4 years.
You sure about that? have you ever had her followed? Ever stick a GPS tracking device on her car? Yes - you are naive and stupid - I don't think ... I KNOW!
I do somewhat agree with you, though not completely.
I would add to your comments that IDEALLY you don't leave your spouse for someone else - it is of course better to leave for the reasons that exist between the married couple without the influence of a third party.
And yes, care should be taken to lessen the trauma to kids wherever possible, so even once a spouse leaves they can't immediately start living with the new person - there needs to be time for everyone to grieve and adjust to the changes in the family.
But, affairs DO certainly grow into long term committed marriages sometimes, not sure of the percentage of times, but when the right person comes along and you know it in your bones it can happen, regardless of how the relationship started. So I just cannot agree with you about affairs that turn into marriages being "unstable" or not "trusting". Sure that can happen, but I've seen it go the other way plenty of times too.
As far as living together, I'm strongly against living with a BF/GF when kids are involved ever. There should be a marriage first when kids are in the picture.
In so far as the affairs growing into marriages, you said "sometimes". That's the key word there. I don't know what the exact statistics are but I can definitely say the percentage is VERY VERY low. I'm also sure those marriages that started as affairs VERY frequently have affairs going on in them too. To me, anyone who has an affair is a dirtbag and I don't see that person as capable of being in a marriage. Instant gratification (which is what an affair is all about) is all about ME ME ME. That's not what marriage is.
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