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To the OP, every situation is not the same. Things are not always cut and dried. While I can't ever imagine getting myself into the situation that you're in, it's too late for that, so now you've got to think about what's best for you, the woman you're in love with, and her kids.
You sound like the kind of person that is emotionally very giving, and probably someone who doesn't fall in love at the drop of a hat. So telling you that there are a lot of other great women out there probably isn't going to mean much to you right now. You're caught up in the big picture, which is that you are in love with someone you can't actually have right now. You're probably hopeful that that might change at some point, but only the woman you're involved with is the one who knows whether it ever will. You have to try to focus on the details of this relationship and the effect that it is having on your life--what this means for your future, everyday happiness and how this is creating an emotional rollercoaster for yourself and for her. If she is ever going to be with you on your terms, you need to know it now. No excuses. Because if that is the case, there are many, many steps to take care of (mostly by her) in order to get there. She may truly love you, but be coasting on her view of the big picture as well, and not be able or ready to handle all the emotional and the financial details of a breakup with her husband. And she has to think of her kids first. That's just being a good mother.
If I were you, I would go see a therapist or counselor for yourself. And once you've explained the situation and talked about it with that person,then I would set up a joint counseling session for you and this other woman. A good couples therapist will be able to ascertain where this woman stands, if you have any doubts. And will be able to ask the hard questions that you might not be able to. If she truly wants to start a new life with you, she'll agree to talk to someone about the situation. Because if she really wants what you want, there are a myriad of steps that have to be taken to get there; it will be a long road. Ultimately, you need to get more information from her as to her level of commitment to a future with you, and then you need to decide if it's worth waiting for.
Some letters just make someone feel bad and others say good things. I may have been defensive a couple of times. YOU HIT IT SO WELL--UNDERSTANDING SITUATIONS ARE NOT ALWAYS THE SAME AND CUT AND DRIED. yOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT BEING CAUGHT UP IN THE BIG PICTURE. Right about me not falling in love at the drop of a hat. Yes I need to focus on the details. Yoou understand there can be opsticles and the situation doesn't immediantly make her a bad person or mother. You end it with I will need to decide if its worth waiting for.
I enjoyed your letter and thank you for not calling my lady a cheat, nothing but someone who would cheat on anyone, calling me a loser or ball less. Everyone is entitled to their opinion thats why I came here. Its just nice to get one would thoughfullness. Which I have received a few.
Okay ... now I'm really confused. You said in your original post that she stays with her husband for the money and here you state that she is the breadwinner???
You can't even keep your own story straight - much less dealing with a lying, cheating wh*re.
You are rude, obnoxious, insulting and immature. She stays with her husband because they have a house that is payed for in the father in laws name. She is just getting by and would have to add a rent. You see she is a good woman would not allow me to move in with her soon after a seperation or divorce.
She is certainly a much better person than you as you call someone you don't know a wh*ore. She has been with 3 men her whole life which I gander your lady cannot say. She is so far ahead of you its not worth the effort I put into this you male wh*re!
Hello, Please read this through before you make an opinion. I am desperate, sad, and depressed. I have been seeing a girl 200 miles away for 4 years. She is a wonderful woman not a cheat as some of you will say. She wants to leave her husband and us spend our lives together. She cannot leave her husband because of money and kids aged 9 and 12. I work here in CT and she works in NY State. Her children come first. Her husband is possesive and controlling. Threatens her with the children if she leaves. It is very hard to get a divorce In New York State. I hang on and hang on, but see no hope in site unless I am ready to wait a few more years. I am not young at 48. I love this woman so much. I feel so much pain and love in one. I get hurt easily and read into her words and thought to much at times. It is hard when two people say they are soul mates and one lives with someone else. To begin with I don't ant to leave as I would hurt her. I know I do not have her now, but the thoguht of ending all hope just destroys me inside and make me unfunctional. Thing is I am depressed more than happy. If I was giving advice I would say move on in more words. It is easier to give advice than follow it. PLEASE someone help I am tired of being sad and crying.
Thank You
I haven't read what the other posters have said. What I will tell you is that I was your girlfriend once. I also had a boyfriend and a kind man with a big heart that I met in college. Based on my experience for her, she has to stand on her own two feet. She won't have any psychological value for herself or her children if she does not solve this problem on her own.
If she leaves from him and goes to you, she will bring with her, her baggage. And I am not talking about clothes. With that baggage will come a great disappointment as she will see you as him, the one she left. It won't matter how different you are from him, we all have likenesses one to another and she will come to fear you, fear herself and the paranoia will drive her mad. She won't understand it, she will just know it is.
I not only left my husband with my children in hand, but I left the boyfriend as well. From there I faced the challenges of life, getting a job, making sure the kids were in school. That their health was taken care of. Calling the plumber, the electrician, finding a mechanic...
A person whom I met once told me about a girl who was in a physical abusive relationship and I asked the question, why doesn't she just leave him? She said apparently you have never been in a situation where you were trapped. I made no reply, except thought to myself, I was and I trusted myself to get myself out of it.
I had parents who raised me telling my I was stronger than I gave myself credit for. I heard those words in my head and ignored my husbands' 'you have sh---for brains'.
I have not married since. I am 48. I did not marry because somewhere along the way I have stopped trusting in myself. And it is bad when one looses their faith and trust in themselves. Makes them some how seemingly desperate. And desperate; fear, people can smell it from miles away and they won't no part of it. They won't no part of the person.
I made bad choices and after 12 years of independence, I am back in my ex-husband's house (hind-sight 20/20). These type of people their obsessions can lead one to believe in them and it's not to be believed, but to be understood.
I must do again as I advise your friend to do---solve the problem on her own, find trust in herself that she will not let herself down and then she will be free. She will then know she can marry; that marriage is not a trap, but a union in that she trusts in herself to do what is right for her.
First she (before any of the above) must realize she is an adult who's life has been lived far longer than those of her children. She does not hurt herself, but those children, they deserve better. They deserve a childhood life with out fear and anger.
If those children are fine, then she should make nice with that man until it is time to not be nice any more.
Adults are not hurt by adult decisions. Children carry the pain of not understanding what is happening in their world. She has children by him and because of the children that is their link to one another no matter where they live and for the rest of their lives. She is bound to that man, through choices she made from the beginning.
A woman officer who was called out on domestic dispute told me that (because you have children with him he will be in your life for as long as they live) and come to find out, it's true. She also told me that she made more money than her husband and he kept telling her, 'it wasn't enough'.
As far as living together, I'm strongly against living with a BF/GF when kids are involved ever. There should be a marriage first when kids are in the picture.
In so far as the affairs growing into marriages, you said "sometimes". That's the key word there. I don't know what the exact statistics are but I can definitely say the percentage is VERY VERY low. I'm also sure those marriages that started as affairs VERY frequently have affairs going on in them too. To me, anyone who has an affair is a dirtbag and I don't see that person as capable of being in a marriage. Instant gratification (which is what an affair is all about) is all about ME ME ME. That's not what marriage is.
Sigh~not trying to completely disagree with you, but you make too many broad generalizations.
SOME people are looking for "instant gratification" but those cheaters usually fall into the "got drunk at the bar and hooked up with whatever was available" category. People in affairs who have fallen in love with one another is a a WHOLE other ball game. And there can be many different reasons these things happen - not everyone involved is a complete dirtbag. Whether you like it or not, the world is not so black and white - there's a lot of gray out there. Based on things I've personally witnessed SOME marriages that started out as affairs go on to be life long committed, and exclusive, relationships.
Sigh~not trying to completely disagree with you, but you make too many broad generalizations.
SOME people are looking for "instant gratification" but those cheaters usually fall into the "got drunk at the bar and hooked up with whatever was available" category. People in affairs who have fallen in love with one another is a a WHOLE other ball game. And there can be many different reasons these things happen - not everyone involved is a complete dirtbag. Whether you like it or not, the world is not so black and white - there's a lot of gray out there. Based on things I've personally witnessed SOME marriages that started out as affairs go on to be life long committed, and exclusive, relationships.
I stand by what I said. Presumably this person "fell in love" with Person A before they got married to Person A. Then they have affair with Person B who they also "fell in love with." They divorce Person A and marry Person B. Then Person C comes along and they "fall in love" with them too. The cycle goes on and on...
If you want to be able to do whatever you want with ANYONE you think you are "falling in love with" or have "fallen in love with," then discuss having an open marriage with your spouse. Otherwise, your commitment is to your spouse and you have to deal with your "falling in love" and let it pass.
You are rude, obnoxious, insulting and immature. She stays with her husband because they have a house that is payed for in the father in laws name. She is just getting by and would have to add a rent. You see she is a good woman would not allow me to move in with her soon after a seperation or divorce.
She is certainly a much better person than you as you call someone you don't know a wh*ore. She has been with 3 men her whole life which I gander your lady cannot say. She is so far ahead of you its not worth the effort I put into this you male wh*re!
Her parents must be so proud of her! Oh, and congrats to you for snatchin' yourself a low life wh*re.
I don't know what you're getting so steamed about - it's your f**ked up situation - not mine. Sorry nobody here could tell you what you wanted to hear. So, go on about your f**ked up life - we don't really care. BTW, she sounds like a terrific mother! Her kids are gonna be real proud of her when they are old enough to know what's up.
Hello, Please read this through before you make an opinion. I am desperate, sad, and depressed. I have been seeing a girl 200 miles away for 4 years. She is a wonderful woman not a cheat as some of you will say. She wants to leave her husband and us spend our lives together. She cannot leave her husband because of money and kids aged 9 and 12. I work here in CT and she works in NY State. Her children come first. Her husband is possesive and controlling. Threatens her with the children if she leaves. It is very hard to get a divorce In New York State. I hang on and hang on, but see no hope in site unless I am ready to wait a few more years. I am not young at 48. I love this woman so much. I feel so much pain and love in one. I get hurt easily and read into her words and thought to much at times. It is hard when two people say they are soul mates and one lives with someone else. To begin with I don't ant to leave as I would hurt her. I know I do not have her now, but the thoguht of ending all hope just destroys me inside and make me unfunctional. Thing is I am depressed more than happy. If I was giving advice I would say move on in more words. It is easier to give advice than follow it. PLEASE someone help I am tired of being sad and crying.
Thank You
Everyone chooses the relationship that they are in because it serves them in some way. You need to take a good, hard look at why you have chosen this woman and you also need to consider why she stays in an unfortunate relationship.
My gut feeling here is that neither one of you have a good or healthy reason for having a relationship like this. There is a lot of neurosis going on here on both sides of the fence. If you would like a nice, happy, NORMAL relationship, you need to understand your motives and you need to move on into a NORMAL situation. But then, you wouldn't have all this drama, now would you? And that is what you thrive on, isn't it? Drama?
Everyone chooses the relationship that they are in because it serves them in some way. You need to take a good, hard look at why you have chosen this woman and you also need to consider why she stays in an unfortunate relationship.
My gut feeling here is that neither one of you have a good or healthy reason for having a relationship like this. There is a lot of neurosis going on here on both sides of the fence. If you would like a nice, happy, NORMAL relationship, you need to understand your motives and you need to move on into a NORMAL situation. But then, you wouldn't have all this drama, now would you? And that is what you thrive on, isn't it? Drama?
20yrsinBranson
Right...I think the question is "what's the payoff for living this way?" There are reasons why people make these kinds of choices, some not the healthiest.
I stand by what I said. Presumably this person "fell in love" with Person A before they got married to Person A. Then they have affair with Person B who they also "fell in love with." They divorce Person A and marry Person B. Then Person C comes along and they "fall in love" with them too. The cycle goes on and on...
If you want to be able to do whatever you want with ANYONE you think you are "falling in love with" or have "fallen in love with," then discuss having an open marriage with your spouse. Otherwise, your commitment is to your spouse and you have to deal with your "falling in love" and let it pass.
Again, the cycle does not have to go on and on, though since you obviously have had no experience with the way things can work out in these situations, you probably just don't see all the possibilities. (not a criticism, just an obervation )
All I'm saying is, people are complicated and relationships very complex - no two are ever exactly the same so you can't judge with such a broad stroke.
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