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Most of the comments to this article missed the essential point. This is not primarily an anti gay issue. It affects anyone who wants, or wants their children to be a productive member of society. The best comments were from those who recognized this and described their experiences with bullies, thugs, gangs and in general the "confident" students. The family who had the local thugs throwing rocks and smashing their house windows at night, was particularly poignant. Now days, expecting "confidence" from society's best young men, is asking a lot.
Coming out of today's dysfunctional school system, those with confidence are almost exclusively either the bully/gang member/underachiever/jock/drug dealer types or the rich kids who attract women due to their obvious assets and because their parents can protect them from the worst aspects of modern school "culture".
One obvious thing I noticed about most of my peers - the middle class decent guys I knew at college; non violent, future oriented, net contributors to society - WAS their lack of confidence. Being academically inclined, they were usually from the lower portions of the high school social totem pole and this had already sapping their confidence. They followed this with many more years pursuing an education of uncertain value, racking up major debt and seeing their best years slip away in this pursuit. Certainly not confidence building, especially with members of the opposite sex.
Its no wonder there are so many single women with children. They are attracted to the confidence and easy charm of those lowlifes who escaped their school days relatively intact. This successfully covers up their readily apparent flaws, until they run out on their responsibilities. At that time, I was occasionally bemused by the bravado of these clowns, but young women ate it up.
However, one thing that still gnaws at me is how, in general, the guys I knew, were well aware that their opportunities for a successful marriage and a family were lessened with every year. This was due to the major shift in society that occurred at that time and continues to this day. They were trapped and knew they could expect far less than that of their parent's generation.
Interesting observation I've noticed a similar thing going on. Young women these days are scandalous. They love to party and go with the biggest alpha male they can find. Their DNA tells them that these types of males are a wise selection. During high school years, these were usually the football players or other high physical demanding sports. Afterward these guys were the though guy types - tattoos, tall, well built and major "don't tell me what to do" ego. As a result of these traits they either never went to college, worked a terrible job and most likely unemployable. Generally she never made any of these men jump through hoops to have sex with her. She willing had wild sex with these men because it was exciting!
Once the age of 25 or so comes rolling around, she knows her looks are fading and her partying days are coming to an end. Now she realizes she better act fast if she wants to get married and have kids. One problem with that though, raising kids is expensive and requires a lot of effort, something an alpha male can no longer provide. Now here comes poindexter, who never partied, always got decent grades, now works a decent career, who is reliable, honest and hard working. She knows this is the person she wants to settle down with. So they go on a couple dates but she always refuses to have sex with him, she wouldn't want to make it appear as if she were a ****, especially to someone who she will allow herself to develop emotions for. Of course, if poindexter were smart he could easily persuade her into banging him. You can't push demands on a man who are you are trying to woe into having kids with you or getting married.
Of course if poindexter were smart he would soon realize that he is in high demand, not every guy has his act together at such a young age. So he decides to get a vasectomy and become a player. When you are successful you call the shots when it comes to women. These women will easily sleep with them, what have they got to lose. If he knocks her up, she can persuade him to marry her and if that plan fails at least she can claim 25% of his high income for the next 18 years. But, aha this young man was smart and got a vasectomy hence that will NEVER happen to him. He has now gained the upper hand over the female sex!
Coming out of today's dysfunctional school system, those with confidence are almost exclusively either the bully/gang member/underachiever/jock/drug dealer types or the rich kids who attract women due to their obvious assets and because their parents can protect them from the worst aspects of modern school "culture".
I don't see how we can equate bullying, a behavior rooted in insecurity, with confidence. It isn't confidence (either "inner" or "outer" as I described earlier), just arrogance.
This seems to help prove my point, that the word "confidence" has been misused so much in the pop culture, that it's lost all meaning. Once we have a word with no particular meaning, or develops the reverse of its original meaning, then people can use it to pretend to say something real when it's just superficial BS -- "oh, you're having some difficulty in life or relationships, well, all you lack is confidence!" They may as well say "magic kool-aid" instead. It's kind of Orwellian.
OK, the OP's question was directed at the ladies, so let's let them respond to him. But I think this side discussion was necessary.
I have tried to make the point in other threads that there is "true confidence" (believing in yourself, being comfortable with who you are, not afraid of truth, etc.), which is an inner thing, and then there are outer qualities (friendliness, salesmanship, showmanship, etc.). IMO, true confidence, being an inner thing, is something you might not be able to tell about a person until you know them well, while the outer things are readily apparent. While the inner/outer are often related, it is also not unusual that they happen separately (e.g., we hear many stories about people skillfully pretending to be a friend or sincere person, but it turns out they're not, and in fact may be pretty messed up inside).
Lumping all these qualities together as "confidence" makes for a meaningless discussion. I'm not sure how to make this distinction. Maybe "inner confidence" vs. "outer confidence"? Or "true confidence" vs. "appearance of confidence"?
In any case, I would like to suggest being specific when answering the OP.
I'm glad you brought up the difference between true confidence and false confidence. IMHO, too many people have the latter. It's an act that they learn how to perfect cause they know it gets them what they want. But true confidence comes from within. Sometimes, the most attractive people are the people who confident enough in themselves that they don't look like they're trying. But we've all seen the guy or girl who looks like they're trying too hard to impress. Whether it's the guy who's showing off his muscles or the girl who dresses a little too revealing, I look at these people and wonder why they feel the need to impress. I was at a party one time and the most attractive woman to me wasn't the youngest, wasn't the best dressed, and didn't have the best body. But what made her stand out is that she seemed very comfortable with herself and didn't feel the need to be something she wasn't. Too many people these days are just phony.
But the thing that always makes me laugh whenever women say confidence is what they most look for is how they'll quickly correct themselves if you ask "what if the guy looks like Dick Cheney?" Now there's a guy with a ton of confidence, but I don't see women wanting to meet a guy like him. LOL.
My wife told me that in her veiw and that of her sorority sisters, a man's appeal is based on: confidence, ambition, sense of humor, manners, height, intellignece, physical fitness, handsomness (nice facial features hair etc), dress, class
In that order, but all of those factors are fairly close. Some do not matter to some women (for example some women like shorter guys or fat guys, some like dumb guys).
I asked her about grooming and she said that is not an issue. If you have no grroming habits then you do not qualify as a man but an animal so the rest of the factors do not apply (she was tlaking about people who do not bathe, wear the same clothing for a week, wipe their nose on their sleeve, spit baccy juice all over, etc. She was young then and is different now, but the OP is apparently interested in single women which are mostly younger women.
How would you describe the difference between confidence and cockiness?
Well, a man with confidence is self-assured, whereas a cocky man is full of ego and has something to prove. A confident man has nothing to prove to anyone, he's very secure in who he is
Well, a man with confidence is self-assured, whereas a cocky man is full of ego and has something to prove. A confident man has nothing to prove to anyone, he's very secure in who he is
Yeah...I agree. I love a confident man (real confidence) not arrogrance or cockiness.
Well, a man with confidence is self-assured, whereas a cocky man is full of ego and has something to prove. A confident man has nothing to prove to anyone, he's very secure in who he is
Quote:
Originally Posted by applejuice
Yeah...I agree. I love a confident man (real confidence) not arrogrance or cockiness.
Many guys know how to give the appearance of "real confidence" when they don't have it. The appearance of confidence can come across immediately, but then days, week, or months later you find out that the guy is so insecure that he has to hit the bottle every day, talk to his mother every 4 hours, or make up lies about his life.
Think of the men you were attracted to for their confidence. How long did it take you to tell that they had true confidence?
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The Confidence Cult
