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By welfare I mean money or other financial support that is not earned. He owes half the financial support for the kids; any more than that from him is welfare for her, and unfair to him.
She was not blindsided by her husband. He is choosing to end the marriage, which is the prerogative of any married person and frequently happens. If she is blindsided that's her fault, not his. In return for being a SAHM she did not have the pressure of working for a boss, she did not have to keep career skills updated, and she got more time with the kids. That fully compensated her. Once divorced he owes her nothing for her no longer being a SAHM. If they were married longer then maybe he'd owe her more, but 9 years is not long enough.
She is not asking just for emotional support (see her question above), nor will such support pay the bills she'll soon have. In the long run she needs real advice, not advice to kidnap her kids and mooch off her family or whatever.
I just don't have the time, and I refuse to waste the energy, on someone like you - continue to post, I'm sure delong will ignore you just like I plan to
I just don't have the time, and I refuse to waste the energy, on someone like you - continue to post, I'm sure delong will ignore you just like I plan to
Like I said, this is why I would never ever get married again. The idea of many posters that he owes her something for a lifetime after a 9-year marriage is disgusting. Nowhere was it mentioned that she's disabled or otherwise less capable of taking care of those kids in the long run than he is.
Like I said, this is why I would never ever get married again. The idea of many posters that he owes her something for a lifetime after a 9-year marriage is disgusting. Nowhere was it mentioned that she's disabled or otherwise less capable of taking care of those kids in the long run than he is.
What is disgusting to me is that you think this situation is A OK.
The OP has devoted the past 9 years to her husband and family - going us far as to move to a different state to support and further his career.
The fact that the law may allow her to be discarded like an old shoe, trapped in this new state that she only moved to to support him, and left to live at poverty level is absolutely outrageous.
It tends to be women who do this - we moved last year for my husband's job and I went from making 6 figures to having him support me. It sucks.
We don't have kids, but if he dumped me after we moved and then the law wouldn't allow me to move home, you can bet your life that I would be mad too.
I CAN see a point in a minimum number of years before allimony (or pallimony) kicks in, but 10 years and kids later is way too late.
You sound bitter and I agree that not getting married is probably what is best for you...... And the female population!
Oh, and ps: being a SAH parent is AT LEAST as hard as working in the work force. I know I couldn't do it! It DOES have a high value, and they were acting as a financial team.
He shouldn't get to just whelch on his side of the bargain like this with no consequences.
OP: Although divorce represents a huge overhaul that is doubtless very traumatic, especially since children are involved, I can assure you that once the dust settles, you'll be better off.
May I say, it was a BIG mistake on your part to forgo education and marketable skills in order to be a SAHM. HUGE mistake. Being a SAHM when you have a degree and a few years of experience under your belt is one thing; dropping out of college and foregoing any kind of work experience in order to be a SAHM is pure madness. You should never rely on a man's assurances that he would support you and take care of you as long as you make him apple pie and change diapers; such promises are unenforceable and therefore worthless, a fact amply demonstrated by just how often such promises are broken. Relying on such a promise puts you at the mercy of another -- something that you are now finding out the hard way. And boy, does this happen to trophy wives a lot (not saying you are one -- but the fact that your husband left you on the eve of the 10-year minimum that triggers alimony certainly raises that possibility).
Okay, enough bashing you, so what to do? Acquire some marketable skills NOW. I don't know what your aptitudes are, but for the sake of your kids (and yourself, of course), you should probably go to school nights and have a part-time job. It won't be a glamorous job, and putting 6 hours a day into school, another 8 into a job, and the rest into caring for your children will be hard as hell, but a LOT of people do it, and they come out all right.
You are a young woman, and, judging by how articulate you are, I am guessing you are intelligent and have some educational background. There is absolutely no good reason why you can't stand on your own two feet. Just because your lifestyle as a single parent and a former SAHM trying to make something out of her life is not as comfortable as what you are used to, that doesn't mean you are incapable of becoming self-sufficient. I come from an immigrant background. You'll be surprised how many people in their forties and fifties have to rebuild their lives from nothing, living in shabby rented apartments and working menial, dirty jobs -- but they do eventually reach a comfortable and enjoyable lifestyle. It takes time and determination, but it can be and is done. Just so you know, there are LOTS of resources available for adults going back to school and people who are short on money to pay tuition. Call your local colleges and see what programs they offer.
As far as the pending legal proceeding, get yourself a good lawyer. Have your family help you financially -- but get one. I cannot emphasize that enough. Since you currently have no means to earn a living, that fact may be used against you to deprive you of custody, or perhaps even of your status as the mother. It's not unheard of for men whose ex-wives are destitute to remarry and then petition the courts to deprive the ex-wife of her parental status, so that the new wife may adopt the children. Don't be alarmed, but be very well-prepared. Given the difference in your respective bargaining power, I suggest that you do not negotiate anything with your husband directly -- and DO NOT, absolutely DO NOT under any circumstances negotiate with any "representative" of your husband, including, but not limited to, his lawyers. Get yourself a lawyer and let him handle everything.
The fact that the law may allow her to be discarded like an old shoe, trapped in this new state that she only moved to to support him, and left to live at poverty level is absolutely outrageous.
She didn't move to support him, she moved to support them. She got benefit too, otherwise she should have got divorced before moving. It was her choice to move, she wasn't forced. She's not being discarded, that's the old "women are property" mentality. She's as capable as he is.
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It tends to be women who do this - we moved last year for my husband's job and I went from making 6 figures to having him support me. It sucks.
We don't have kids, but if he dumped me after we moved and then the law wouldn't allow me to move home, you can bet your life that I would be mad too.
If divorce would make you mad for financial reasons, then you're doing something wrong of your own free will. Without kids, you should not let yourself become dependent on someone else. Quitting your 6-figure job was unwise.
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I CAN see a point in a minimum number of years before allimony (or pallimony) kicks in, but 10 years and kids later is way too late.
Considering that she could make more than the median wage after applying herself for a relatively short time, I disagree.
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You sound bitter and I agree that not getting married is probably what is best for you...... And the female population!
Ah the ol' bitter argument, as in "if you're against being a slave you must be bitter!"
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Oh, and ps: being a SAH parent is AT LEAST as hard as working in the work force. I know I couldn't do it! It DOES have a high value, and they were acting as a financial team.
Based on my own experience being a SAHD for a year+, it's a piece of cake compared to working even an office job let alone a physical job. When women are honest they'll admit it too, they'll say "I LOVE being a SAHM!". A friend of mine is a newly SAHM and she can barely keep the smile off her face.
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He shouldn't get to just whelch on his side of the bargain like this with no consequences.
What bargain? The marriage laws are clear; the vows are always worthless. The law is being applied, and he will have consequences for getting divorced.
May I say, it was a BIG mistake on your part to forgo education and marketable skills in order to be a SAHM. HUGE mistake. Being a SAHM when you have a degree and a few years of experience under your belt is one thing; dropping out of college and foregoing any kind of work experience in order to be a SAHM is pure madness. You should never rely on a man's assurances that he would support you and take care of you as long as you make him apple pie and change diapers; such promises are unenforceable and therefore worthless, a fact amply demonstrated by just how often such promises are broken.
Delong, you might want to go ahead and take your kids and move in with relatives NOW - while there hasn't been a divorce filing yet. Don't tell him you're leaving, just do it - while he's not home. Then YOU file the papers first. As it stands, without any court orders or anything saying that you can't leave and take your kids with you, you are free to do whatever you want and to take your kids with you, anywhere you want.
Although it sounds like a good idea.. the problem with this scenario comes into play that she will then be accused of kidnapping her children.. there is no winner in divorce at all..
I am sorry to hear that you are going through all of this.. Hopefully this will pass quickly and you get through it.. I have been in your corner...
She didn't move to support him, she moved to support them. She got benefit too, otherwise she should have got divorced before moving. It was her choice to move, she wasn't forced. She's not being discarded, that's the old "women are property" mentality. She's as capable as he is.
If divorce would make you mad for financial reasons, then you're doing something wrong of your own free will. Without kids, you should not let yourself become dependent on someone else. Quitting your 6-figure job was unwise.
Considering that she could make more than the median wage after applying herself for a relatively short time, I disagree.
Ah the ol' bitter argument, as in "if you're against being a slave you must be bitter!"
Based on my own experience being a SAHD for a year+, it's a piece of cake compared to working even an office job let alone a physical job. When women are honest they'll admit it too, they'll say "I LOVE being a SAHM!". A friend of mine is a newly SAHM and she can barely keep the smile off her face.
What bargain? The marriage laws are clear; the vows are always worthless. The law is being applied, and he will have consequences for getting divorced.
I disagree with almost everythig you've written.
She moved to support him and his job, as did I.
In terms of me and my business, what would you have suggested? That I divorce my husband to keep my job? Or that he should continue on with his unemployment and we both lose the health insurance we had through his job and then Cobra?
Yes I chose what I thought was best for our relationship, and him, over my finacial gain. We are lucky, we have money in the bank, and dh makes great money at his job. But it took him 6 months to get, and with no other jobs in sight and his self esteem low, I decided to support him and make a move. I did not realize it would be quitethis difficult to restart my own business.
With hindsight would I change my decision to move? Probably not although I would be more hesitant. Moving also meant that we sold the house at just the right moment - affording it on just my income once his unemployment benefits had run out (which was about to happen) would have been very tough. Selling later would have been much more difficult as the market headed south, and we wouldn't have had the bargaining power that we had when we sold.
This has been tricky for me, but sometimes youdo what you have to do for your partner and for your relationship. Perhaps it is this part that you don't understand..... in which case it's easy to understand why you are divorced.
Also, I do know that if the shoe were on the other foot, my husband would do the same for me. Even now, if I told him I couldn't be happy here, he would move back with me if I asked.
I don't have kids, so it's hard for me to argue this one based on experience, but I would FAR rather work outside the home than in it. By a long way. Being a SAH parent sounds unbelievably tough to me. It's 24 hours a day with no breaks - constant, 365 days a year. All unpaid.
Sorry, but an office job sounds like a walk in the park to me compared to that.
Marriage vows are not worthless to all of us you know. Some of us take them rather seriously.
Anyway, your style of delivering your little judgements is really the problem. Advising the OP to do what it takes to get back on her feet is actually good, useful advice. Most of the rest of your post is unhelpful noise.
The thing that seems so very unfair about this situation to me, is that the OPs husband took her out of her home location ALREADY KNOWING that there were issues with the marriage. The fact that he now wants her to have to stay trapped in Texas so he can have his cake and eat it is revolting to me..... and obviously to many of the other people posting on this thread. The absolute ultimate in selfishness. If I were the OP I would fight tooth and nail, not for alimony, but for the right to move home. If Daddy wants to see the kids so bad, he can move back to their home state too.
[quote=Redisca;8556483]OP: Although divorce represents a huge overhaul that is doubtless very traumatic, especially since children are involved, I can assure you that once the dust settles, you'll be better off.
May I say, it was a BIG mistake on your part to forgo education and marketable skills in order to be a SAHM. HUGE mistake. Being a SAHM when you have a degree and a few years of experience under your belt is one thing; dropping out of college and foregoing any kind of work experience in order to be a SAHM is pure madness. You should never rely on a man's assurances that he would support you and take care of you as long as you make him apple pie and change diapers; such promises are unenforceable and therefore worthless, a fact amply demonstrated by just how often such promises are broken. Relying on such a promise puts you at the mercy of another -- something that you are now finding out the hard way. And boy, does this happen to trophy wives a lot (not saying you are one -- but the fact that your husband left you on the eve of the 10-year minimum that triggers alimony certainly raises that possibility).
Dear God, look how low we've sunk in America when a woman dedicated to raising healthy, happy, WELL ROUNDED, decent human beings like most stay at home moms do is thought of in such a denegrating way. I am beyond appalled.
The kind of people a loving, intelligent, conscientious SAHM sets loose on this world make her contribution to society as a whole PRICELESS.
I feel really sorry for people like you, you really are clueless.
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