Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
In terms of me and my business, what would you have suggested? That I divorce my husband to keep my job? Or that he should continue on with his unemployment and we both lose the health insurance we had through his job and then Cobra?
Even the lowest 6-figure income is enough to get comfortably by in the vast majority of places. So it might well have been better for you to let him keep looking for a job. Relatively cheap private insurance (often cheaper than Cobra) is available in many if not all states. Whatever you do, if you become dependent on someone else you should accept responsibility for the downside.
Quote:
This has been tricky for me, but sometimes youdo what you have to do for your partner and for your relationship. Perhaps it is this part that you don't understand..... in which case it's easy to understand why you are divorced.
I do understand that. What I disagree with is the mindset that one is forced to make such decisions, such that a divorce would make one mad at having made the decision. If you make a decision vis-a-vis a relationship, accept full responsibility for it. Don't blame the partner if it doesn't work out.
Quote:
Being a SAH parent sounds unbelievably tough to me. It's 24 hours a day with no breaks - constant, 365 days a year. All unpaid.
That's a common sentiment, but far from the truth. Kids sleep. Babies sleep a lot and take long naps. Once kids are in school you've got 6+ hours to yourself half the days of the year. It's a relatively easy life with multiple-hour breaks plus full sleep every day. You get compensated with all that free time, being around your kids, and having no commute, boss, or deadlines.
Quote:
Marriage vows are not worthless to all of us you know. Some of us take them rather seriously.
That's fine, just don't expect any form of compensation if your partner doesn't keep them.
Quote:
The thing that seems so very unfair about this situation to me, is that the OPs husband took her out of her home location ALREADY KNOWING that there were issues with the marriage. The fact that he now wants her to have to stay trapped in Texas so he can have his cake and eat it is revolting to me..... and obviously to many of the other people posting on this thread. The absolute ultimate in selfishness.
She chose to move, if she didn't know the possible consequences that's not his fault. He "took her out of her home" only if she was his property, which I don't believe she is.
Quote:
If I were the OP I would fight tooth and nail, not for alimony, but for the right to move home. If Daddy wants to see the kids so bad, he can move back to their home state too.
That would be selfishness on her part. They don't live there any more, she made that move of her own free will, and he should not have to quit his job and move again just so she can return "home".
...look how low we've sunk in America when a woman dedicated to raising healthy, happy, WELL ROUNDED, decent human beings like most stay at home moms do is thought of in such a denegrating way. I am beyond appalled.
Ditto!
Quote:
The kind of people a loving, intelligent, conscientious SAHM sets loose on this world make her contribution to society as a whole PRICELESS.
Gotta share a "reputation" comment I got: "You are a very disturbed individual - do the rest of mankind a favor - don't ever procreate." Gotta love the attitude that, if I'm for fairness, I'm disturbed. And yes I see that you can't discuss intelligently.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains
Dear God, look how low we've sunk in America when a woman dedicated to raising healthy, happy, WELL ROUNDED, decent human beings like most stay at home moms do is thought of in such a denegrating way. I am beyond appalled.
Nothing of Redisca's that you quoted denegrates women. All she does is recommend that women stay as independent as possible; that's good advice for them. It's good advice for men too.
Quote:
The kind of people a loving, intelligent, conscientious SAHM sets loose on this world make her contribution to society as a whole PRICELESS.
Agreed. Nothing Redisca says contradicts this. People should be thankful for every day they're a SAH, because it can end at any time and their partner may owe them nothing when it stops, by law. It's a privilege, not a right, as much as it would be great for the kids.
Even the lowest 6-figure income is enough to get comfortably by in the vast majority of places. So it might well have been better for you to let him keep looking for a job.
I do understand that. What I disagree with is the mindset that one is forced to make such decisions, such that a divorce would make one mad at having made the decision. If you make a decision vis-a-vis a relationship, accept full responsibility for it. Don't blame the partner if it doesn't work out.
That's a common sentiment, but far from the truth. Kids sleep. Babies sleep a lot and take long naps. Once kids are in school you've got 6+ hours to yourself half the days of the year. It's a relatively easy life with multiple-hour breaks plus full sleep every day. You get compensated with all that free time, being around your kids, and having no commute, boss, or deadlines.
That's fine, just don't expect any form of compensation if your partner doesn't keep them.
She chose to move, if she didn't know the possible consequences that's not his fault. He "took her out of her home" only if she was his property, which I don't believe she is.
That would be selfishness on her part. They don't live there any more, she made that move of her own free will, and he should not have to quit his job and move again just so she can return "home".
Well I can see why you would think that, but that was a 50% decrease in income for us, as we have always been very even earners. So while it may seem a lot to you, we had a house to match the salary. The fact that we sold when we did meant that we made a lot on the house instead of losing a lot which may have been the case had we waited to sell.
I completely disagree with your comment that her moving to support HIS job means that she was a possession. Pure twaddle. It means that she made a move for his best interest, and that of their family. I don't think moving back to her home state would be selfish at all. If being near his children is important enough to him, then as the instigator of the divorce, her should be the one making a move, not forcing his wife to stay in a place with no support system when he is the one who called it quits. I would be saying something different if it were her who was leaving him.
I'm afraid that we are going to have to agree to disagree on this one. We have a fundamental difference of opinion on what is a reasonable way to treat someone you have been married to for almost a decade.
To me there is something seriously wrong with the situation that the OP finds herself in.
If being near his children is important enough to him, then as the instigator of the divorce, her should be the one making a move, not forcing his wife to stay in a place with no support system when he is the one who called it quits.
If her support system was in a town he's never lived in, would you say the same? Just because she has some family ties to the place they both came from is not good enough. If she was that attached to her family, if only in the event of divorce, she should have refused to move in the first place. The law supports that notion too. As an able-bodied adult she can do fine without family nearby, as millions of adults manage to do. She wants them nearby, that's all.
Quote:
To me there is something seriously wrong with the situation that the OP finds herself in.
I think the presumption here is that she's weak and she needs her family and it's unfair that should have to manage in another town by herself. The real story is probably that she needs to do some growing up and learn to be independent. (Imagine the comments if the situation was the exact opposite and he wanted to go home.) If she wants her family nearby, that's really not his problem no matter how much empathy we might have for her.
If her support system was in a town he's never lived in, would you say the same? Just because she has some family ties to the place they both came from is not good enough. If she was that attached to her family, if only in the event of divorce, she should have refused to move in the first place. The law supports that notion too. As an able-bodied adult she can do fine without family nearby, as millions of adults manage to do. She wants them nearby, that's all.
I think the presumption here is that she's weak and she needs her family and it's unfair that should have to manage in another town by herself. The real story is probably that she needs to do some growing up and learn to be independent. (Imagine the comments if the situation was the exaact opposite and he wanted to go home.) If she wants her family nearby, that's really not his problem no matter how much empathy we might have for her.
Firstly it doesn't sound like you have any empathy for her at all!
Secondly we're still going to have to agree to disagree because I agree with as little of this post as I have with all the others. You just don't get it.
I see it the opposite. What would you want, alimony from day 1? There should be a minimum period of time before alimony kicks in. It's 10 years in TX apparently. That's fair.
Threads like this reinforce my commitment to never ever get married again. Seems most of the posters here think her husband owes her her current standard of living, for the rest of her life apparently, even though she's been married only 9 years. He doesn't, or if he did legally, that wouldn't be fair. He has half the responsibility for the kids, no responsibility to her, that's what fair. She already got more than half the financial benefit of the marriage, by being a SAHM, which is a lot easier than working elsewhere to make ends meet. She also got to spend more time with the kids.
Child support should not pay for all the kids' expenses. It should pay for half only, even if she has full custody. He could kick in more but he should not be legally obligated to.
Kudos to Delong for taking the high road. It's unfortunate she moved out of state without knowing that she may not be able to leave. Ignorance on that is not an excuse though; it's something she has to live with now, and it's not his fault she's in that situation. Maybe he's just being a selfish jerk to stay in that state, or he may be there because in her home state he can't make enough money to survive.
Delong is about to enter the working (for a boss) world again. That's hard, but it's the same boat every other working stiff is in. It's the same boat her husband is in. She needs to buck up and learn a marketable skill. Women (or former SAHDs) can weld, they can be electricians, plumbers, computer programmers, whatever. It's tough to make a living wage, even tougher in this rough economy, but millions of other people do it.
hey I understand exactly where you are coming from. believe me a feel you on that. however, we have to look at whats best for the child. and to leave the mom stranded isnt right either. there are soo many men going through this right now. how about this my frinds baby mom earns six figures a yr. and my feinds earns maybe 40k a year and he still pays alot of money in CS is that fair. well to him it is, he still wants to do his part.
Last edited by michaelcarter2008; 04-29-2009 at 06:57 AM..
Reason: spelling
How do I proceed? My husband and I are about to divorce, because he wants it, not me, but I'm tired of begging him to change his mind. I'm not the love of his life anymore. We have 2 children. We relocated to a new state 2 years ago for his career. I'm a SAHM without a college degree. My entire family lives 800 miles away. That's where I want to be if I'm not here with him. But he doesn't want me anymore. The state we now live is very pro-parent, which means, at his request, something can be filed banning me from moving outside of 100 (may be 150) mile radius. He fully intends to file this. And according to the attorney I consulted, it's impossible to fight. He wants access to his children, this I understand. My problem, I only moved to this state for him. I have no friends, other than those through his work, none that I am close to at all, so there's no help there. I have no family near by. I haven't worked in over 7 years because I've been home with our children. There is no spousal support because we've been married less than 9 years. He fully intents to give me the maximum for child support, but how am I supposed to find a job and a place to live (there's no way I can keep this house we live in) to support my children? I don't want to live in a rat-trap, but what kind of job will I find that I don't end up on welfare? And, I will be completely alone, except for my children, whom I love dearly. How do I do this? How do I work my butt off to provide for them and still give them the same quality of life they have now? How do I give up everything I've worked so hard for, how do I give up the man I've built my life around?
There is no bigger slap in the face than having the man you love and have devoted 7 years of your life to tell you that he doesn't love you and wants out of the marriage. I am sorry you are going through this. Divorce is never easy no matter who tells you they have had a very friendly divorce, it doesn't happen. I guess I don't understand why you cannot get spousal support, very strange...didn't know there was a time limit meaning you had to be married a certain amount of time. New one one me!!
As far as keeping the kids near to him, those laws have evidently changed since I divorced my sons father because I put 500 miles between us and him. Although you don't want to stay where you are now, it is important for the kids to be able to see their Father. As long as he has been a good Dad and will pay the support, I am afraid where you are is the best place for them. My son didn't get to see his Dad hardly at all, but the circumstances were totally different..he is an alcoholic and I just never could trust him and he didn't fight it.
I know the economy is bad right now but I am sure you will find a job and with your job and your child support, you should be able to rent a nice place. A house for you right now is just way too much responsibility and way too epxensive. Your main concern is your children so you will have to undergo some pretty big lifestyle changes. Look, you don't have to do this stuff all at once...let the divorce sink in, start looking for work.....then start checking out the rents available in your area. It is a lot to handle, but you can and have to do this for your kids and for you.
The good news is....there are plenty of men out there, good men who will love you and your children and want to make you a part of their life. I have found two since my divorce. Unfortunately, one died young and I have been with my present husband for 12 years. My ex ran off with a married woman and I thought my world was over...it was the biggest FAVOR anyone has ever done for me..life is once again great and I am sure it will be for you too. Get tough, get going and let your husband go do his thing...it is your turn to be happy now.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
