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right- I mean, why be honest on your profile if that's going to "scare people away"?? It should only scare away the losers looking to hook up, not the quality guys who want more out of life. IMO
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Originally Posted by DontH8Me
Exactly - which is why I believe that everyone should be straightforward with what it is they intend to develop. If someone wants to find a long term relationship, then obviously they don't want to go out on dates with the guy who wants to remain a bachelor for his whole life. The people who are looking for superficial connections should steer clear of those who are looking for a meaningful, monogamous, long term relationship. If all you want to do is "hang out" then just say so. It makes it so much easier for those who are looking for a deeper connection to steer clear. For instance, just because you plan to get married and have a family, doesn't mean you want to do that with them on the first date.
If someone is intimidated by someone being straightforward about what they are looking for then maybe that person needs to stop and think about what it is they want themselves. I'd rather know up front what the person's goals are than go through the introductory phase with someone who has different goals than I do only to discover that after several weeks or months.
I think you misunerstand my views a bit. I don't pressure men. I meet them in casual, lighthearted ways. If a friendship develops and attraction, this things lead toward wanting to spend more time with them, and perhaps date. It doesn't mean I ask for marriage or kids, It means I am interested in developing more. I don't analyxe this person for husband potential, I simply think , this guy's cool, I'd like to see him more, date.
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Originally Posted by wanneroo
Sometimes it's not what you say but how you say it. Having long term goals is good, but I find things don't always fall into place so nicely in real life.
I don't see nothing wrong with someone desiring marriage and children, however if the approach is full on attack about it, what it tells me is someone that is lacking inside and is trying to find happyness in having children or getting married. They'll always be seeking these other things "to make them happy" all the while lacking good self esteem. Demanding kids and marriage and all these other expectations before you even know someone is putting the cart before the horse.
Really what I want and look for is a good woman and a good partner and someone I that can add to my life in a positive way. Having found that I think most everything else will fall into place naturally.
I think as Americans we are business oriented people and "we get things done" compared to a lot of cultures around the world. However sometimes I think we take it too far and especially it leaks over into relationships. Unless you are dealing with a really weak minded person, I've never seen the "hard sell" with high pressure tactics really work in relationships with family, friends or romantic partners.
right- I mean, why be honest on your profile if that's going to "scare people away"?? It should only scare away the losers looking to hook up, not the quality guys who want more out of life. IMO
The losers looking to hook up don't care what you write, and if you ask they're going to give you whatever answer will get them into your pants the quickest. Lying (or ignoring) has no consequences.
I don't see nothing wrong with someone desiring marriage and children, however if the approach is full on attack about it, what it tells me is someone that is lacking inside and is trying to find happyness in having children or getting married. They'll always be seeking these other things "to make them happy" all the while lacking good self esteem. Demanding kids and marriage and all these other expectations before you even know someone is putting the cart before the horse.
Here is what sportfangal wrote:
I tried online dating and posting what I was looking for in a guy- among other things, I want someone who wants marriage and children. Ok, so that's brutal honesty, but it scares guys off and they don't respond
Explain to me how that's a full on attack. I see nothing demanding in her statement.
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Originally Posted by ILikeSmartHippies
As a guy, it is very frustrating to compose an interesting email to a profile which includes "comments and questions about her and her interests" because 90% of the profiles out there will not get a response -- the girl created it on a whim & never checks it, or the girl created it & got so many emails she got bored, or the girl created it & happily got matched up so is no longer interested, or some other case where the profile seems active but is not...If the sites themselves made their statistics open, then everyone would see what a ridiculous house of cards it really is.
I agree, but for a different reason. Since the burden is on the man to make first contact, what he writes will be based on what you've given him to work with. If all you have in your profile is a picture and basic info, that tells us nothing. It would be like seeing someone on the street. You can say hi, but not much else because you don't know enough to start a conversation with her. As for the idea that dating sites are a big house of cards, I don't blame the site for that. They provide a service, not the people who choose to sign up. If you have a problem with the kind of people on a dating site, blame the general population cause that's where people are coming from.
You say 90% were one liners or offers to hook up that night. That leaves a big question open, as to how many of them were one liners, and how many where offers to hook up that night. This is important because perhaps you are mis-judging the actions of the guys sending the one-liners. As a guy, it is very frustrating to compose an interesting email to a profile which includes "comments and questions about her and her interests" because 90% of the profiles out there will not get a response -- the girl created it on a whim & never checks it, or the girl created it & got so many emails she got bored, or the girl created it & happily got matched up so is no longer interested, or some other case where the profile seems active but is not. So rather than compose some honest/heart-felt short reply (maybe that takes 10 minutes, maybe 20, or longer), the simpler thing to do is send a quick one liner to see if the profile is "alive" or "dead". Although I realize that 99% of guys on the sites can probably not compose a good one-liner to save their lives and likely default to "hi you're cute email me back ok thanks cya". The idea is that the girl will respond with a simple "thanks, what's up?" and then the conversation can begin.
I'm not calling it right or wrong I'm pointing out that you may be mis-interpreting the one liners.
IF YOU DELETE YOUR PHOTOS, you won't even show up in search results on most sites, unless some obscure button is checked. So of course you won't get a deludge of replies anymore. Posting photos is the only way to have a good profile that will get good exposure to the guys. Many guys have simple "rules" like: No photos, not interested; this covers a broad range of guys, so you are missing good guys too.
The best thing for any woman to do, is to create a fake profile on a free dating site (or pay site if you really want), posing as a man, and try to message some women. By experiencing this "opposite perspective", the difficulties of online dating become pretty clear. See if any of your messages even get replies; whether they are honest, curious messages about a woman's profile, or one-liners hoping she is going to reply at all. At most, maybe 2 out of 10 profiles will lead to any reply, it depends on the site and the search criteria. If the sites themselves made their statistics open, then everyone would see what a ridiculous house of cards it really is.
While I am no fan of the cut and paste canned answer, it sure does beat these:
Just thought i would say hi!
Hi again! Did I mention that I really like your style? (I never responded to him before)
wow you are stunning!!! a real beauty!!! i should have my pic up this weekend.
Your[sic] Very Beautiful. Hi
U like 2 Jetski? Hi I am Tony
So would you be up for some sushi tonight?
Want to meet and see what happens...
So have you had any luck on here? Wanna meet for dinner after work?
good afternoon i'm mr ron
hey im Moises i like your profile and like to see what's up what are you up to.
I'm in town next week, how about some sushi?
Those are just a sampling of what I refer to as the one-liners. More often than not, they are associated with a profile that has little if any info in it, and sometimes coming from a guy who has no picture at all. I took the time to write a fairly detailed profile about my interests, objectives, and what appeals to me - and I very clearly state that I am not interested in random coffee or dinner dates to test chemistry. If all I wanted was a dinner date or coffee, I sure as heck wouldn't bother with a matchmaking site. It also bugs me that I put clear photos of myself in with no distractions, and these men often have photos of themselves where they are not only just a small smudge next to their car, boat, whatever, but they are actually wearing sunglasses too. However, it sure does help to separate the chaff from the grain when they use pictures of their torsos, tattoos and big boy toys to represent themselves.
I agree. Very few people are good at self-marketing. That's also why most people have lousy resumes. It's not because they'd make lousy employees. It's just because they don't know how to effectively highlight their strengths and value to a potential employer. By the same token, most people can't write decent dating profiles. It really does take a LOT of trial and error. Like your resume, you need people to proofread it and give you constructive criticism. But few people have the patience. PassTheChocolate, maybe the next time I write a profile, I'll send you mine.
And how is that any different than real life? Most guys in real life take a shotgun approach. They see a cute girl, they know nothing about her, and then go up and hit on her. I don't think the issue is online vs. offline. Mathguy said it best. Women need to take more initiative instead of complaining about the type of men who contact them.
I have 4 diffferent versions of my resume. I always get compliments from managers, and I get compliments that I interview well too.
You don't need a lot of trial and error, you need to figure out what your focus is and what others' needs are.
Personally, I think a "too good" profile online looks desperate. There should be some mystery.
The losers looking to hook up don't care what you write, and if you ask they're going to give you whatever answer will get them into your pants the quickest. Lying (or ignoring) has no consequences.
I agree. Very few people are good at self-marketing. That's also why most people have lousy resumes. It's not because they'd make lousy employees. It's just because they don't know how to effectively highlight their strengths and value to a potential employer. By the same token, most people can't write decent dating profiles. It really does take a LOT of trial and error. Like your resume, you need people to proofread it and give you constructive criticism. But few people have the patience. PassTheChocolate, maybe the next time I write a profile, I'll send you mine.
You verbalized that perfectly. And I'd be happy to check yours out, though I doubt you'd need my help.
Quote:
And how is that any different than real life? Most guys in real life take a shotgun approach. They see a cute girl, they know nothing about her, and then go up and hit on her. I don't think the issue is online vs. offline. Mathguy said it best. Women need to take more initiative instead of complaining about the type of men who contact them.
true-so why should it matter what I write then? I'll keep being honest and answer "yes" to the question of wanting marriage and kids. If guys don't like it, they don't have to respond. Simple as that. It's a double edge sword, people are told to be honest on their profiles, send in current, accurate photos, don't lie about your job, or age or whatever, so why should I lie about what I want out of life? It seems to me then that 99.9% of guys online don't care about anything other than getting in women's pants.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rubber_factory
The losers looking to hook up don't care what you write, and if you ask they're going to give you whatever answer will get them into your pants the quickest. Lying (or ignoring) has no consequences.
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