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I apologize for how long this is, but I could really use some outside perspective. I know the responses will be harsh - I feel like a bad person and bad wife even as I write it.
I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 33. We dated intensely for the summer and then I went away to school and didn't stay in touch. We got back together when I was 20 and I moved in with him that year. We've now been together 10 years and married for 4 (we had a 2 year engagement.) Two years ago we moved to a new state for his work. I left my friends, the job I loved, the town I grew up in, etc so that he could have a job that he found fulfilling. I turned 30 a few months ago and since then I feel like I'm viewing my marriage with new eyes. Part of what changed is that I spent a month traveling to see friends and my family. I had forgotten what it felt like to be with my peers and have FUN. I realized how lonely and BORED I have been. I also met someone I really clicked with and was very attracted to. NOTHING happened with him and nothing will happen. I am not even considering leaving my husband for this man or having an affair. But it made me realize that I never felt butterflies for my husband and that I was never very attracted to him.
I have suddenly realized that I married my husband for the wrong reasons. I had a pretty dysfunctional childhood. My parents divorced when I was 8 and it was messy. My father is a very introverted engineer and while he continued to be in my life, he was emotionally very distant. My mom was emotionally manipulative and abusive. I moved out when I was 16 and just floated around friends houses. My husband has many of the traits of my father (without being emotionally distant) and I think I was looking for that father figure. Also, frankly, I needed to feel secure and that I finally had someone to take care of me and my husband loves be the hero/caretaker/white knight. Unfortunately, that reinforced my bad traits. I never had to push outside my comfort zone or be responsible for myself. I suddenly find myself at 30 without ever having finished school, lived on my own, or had the fun or growth that you are supposed to in your 20s. I allowed myself to step in to the lifestyle of someone 15 years older than me. That doesn't feel OK anymore. I know I can't be 20 again, but I do want to live and act like the 30 year old I am, not live the life of a 45 year old.
I know that this will sound very harsh, but I don't think I even loved my husband as much as he loved me. Looking back now, I can't remember even being truly attracted to him. He made me feel incredibly beautiful and powerful with how attracted to me he was and that was enough. I am not attracted to him at all now, though we still have an OK sex life.
My husband is a GOOD man. He is sweet, romantic, supportive, and intelligent. He is also BORING. He is an introverted, intellectual, programmer. His idea of excitement is genealogy, programming at his computer or playing a computer game. We do travel, but it just feels like a new place with the same boring person. He acts older than his age. Frankly, it has suddenly hit me that this is only going to get worse as he ages. I didn't mind the age difference at 25, but now I suddenly see my future life of him getting more boring and becoming a grumpy old man. I'll be lonely, then get to act as his nurse before dies at 80, leaving my a 65 year old widow without many friends, no children (because he doesn't want them), etc. Frankly, I'm waking up nights in a cold sweat.
I don't want to blame my husband and our marriage for me feeling unfulfilled. In understand that I need to go back to school, make more friends, get another job I love, etc. I know that we have a better marriage than most people. We have similar values, are comfortable together, treat each other well, etc. He is my best friend. But I also resent how much much older he makes me feel and how we live our lives according to where he is at his stage of life. I want to go camping as a couple with our friends, go to concerts, maybe have kids. I don't want to wake up at 40 and realized that I could have started again at 30 and had a fulfilling life with someone my own age and I missed the chance.
How do I fix this? Is being bored and dissatisfied just a phase in our marriage or because I left my friends and job during the move? I don't want to give up on a content marriage, but it feels like there are some pretty big, basic issues.
You should talk to him about it. He also had to know that he was marrying someone who had barely experienced life herself, so if he is as wonderful as you say he is, he should understand. It's hard to predict what will come of it, but if you verbalize it, you'll both have to figure out how to work through it.
I think I'm looking at a younger version of me. if you aren't happy, you need to extricate yourself from this situation. Believe me - I understand you 100% - and then some!
1) Stay with him, be faithful to him, try and encourage him to live life more than he does. That may be a challenge, but embrace it. This, of course, is the noble and right thing to do.
2) See if you can get him, for you, to move closer to home and then you can have the best of both worlds. Both noble & a bit selfish, but it works.
3) Leave your loving husband in the friggin’ dust. Of course, you’ll break his heart forever and show your true colors- a quitter.
You make one point I’d like to key on. You don’t want to get old, be friendless and live life with regret. I mean, it’s not like you can’t make friends where you are now, is it? You know, to have a friend, you must first be a friend and that sort of stuff. It’s not like you can’t expand yourself into some civic work or otherwise and enjoy those pursuits and broaden yourself in that way and also see if your hubby will join you. I mean, you can have a separate and fulfilling life apart from him and still be with him.
Lastly, I get the feeling you’re wanting option #3 and are looking for support. If so, look to a different poster. I understand your dilemma, but I think you’re presenting us with a rather selfish and narrow scope. I also realize there’s a different side to all this that we do not get to see- the point of view from your husband.
Anyway, good post, good luck and let us know how it goes.
aloha blue, big hugs for you. part of what you are feeling is just maturity and viewing your life and your choices up to now. you are seeing your life without rose colored glasses and see where and why you did things. to be able to "see" everything you posted you have had a good long look at yourself and I think you are being very honest with yourself. many people can't even see what you have so huge congrats for that.
you brought up a ton of stuff, lots of people marry for the wrong reasons or for security and love. that doesn't mean you did the wrong thing you just didn't do the fairy tale, which sometimes is the wrong thing too. it sounds like you love your hubby and he loves you so you did great!
every decade or so you need a new focus as life progresses in phases. you mentioned school and possible children. this is the time to do that. you are done being taken care of. now you are a young woman and you want to be in charge. go for it. right now I think you are frustrated with not doing anything that means anything to you a daily basis. you need a goal or a focus. you are also frustrated that your hubby is abit of a lump on a log. have a huge conservation with him, be honest about what it is you want and expect. he is your partner and he has to be part of the mix or you will never be happy. he should want and needs to do things with you, just as you for him.
it is also important to talk to him about the spark that your marriage needs sexually. again like anything in life it needs to be nurtured as well. life should be full of as much fun and silliness as possible. you can't do it alone, some of it is on you but some of it is a shared thing.
don't feel guilty about the things that may or may not change that you have no control of, but the things you do have control of is on you. you will find your way and be happy. no worries
What Hothulamaui said. It's your life. Nobody can live it for you. You have to decide if you want to be miserable for the rest of your life, or if you want to enjoy happiness while you are still young enough to do it. You are not a quitter. People evolve and change. What was important to you when you were 18 or 20 is not important to you now. That doesn't make you a bad person, or a quitter. I wish you all the best.
Thanks for the responses so far.
I do have some outside interests. I am VP of one non-profit and active in another. I have some friends here and try to go out with one of them at least once a week. I realize that in order to feel fulfilled I have to expand myself - go back to school, start doing more things with my peers. It just makes me so sad that if I want I life with fun, spark, etc, that I have to build that away from my husband. It is wonderful that he is supportive and reliable, so that I have the freedom to go out and build that life, I just wish he was more of a part of it. His age means that he doesn't share much in common with my friends, so I end up going out alone with them. It used to seem like he had passion for life, but maybe it was just him trying to woo a younger woman.
We have talked some about it. At one pointed I asked him what one thing her would change about me if he could. He said he'd want me to be less spontaneous. I almost broke in to tears. I feel like I have become completely dull and predictable. He rather our lives were even MORE boring!
We humans change and grow (intellectually) in different directions, interests change - combine all this and more in today's world makes it more difficult then ever to remain married or in a committed relationship.
I could suggest that the two of you go into couples counseling, but I know, too, that is just going to prolong the envitable. I believe you have also developed a certain amount of resentment towards your husband. You do need to be honest with him - he deserves that. He seems to be a good man, too. I also know, being in the IT field, that programmers are a breed apart from the rest of humankind. He is not going to change. Don't be so hard on yourself. Take care and take care of your future.
if you can't find a happy beat with him, because he "can't" and would rather just sit and let life pass by rather than be a part of it with you, then you would be much happier without him. I had a friend that left her hsband for the very same reason. just nothing in common. he does deserve to have the chance to fight for his marriage and his life, so make sure he knows what you need. doesn't make you a bad person for needing it. doesn't make him a bad person if he can't be what you need. you deserve to be happy
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