When Friendships go Sour (marriage, partner, responsible, looking)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
The friendship with my friend went sour when he tried to ruin my enterprise. He didn't want to be involved anymore and when asked about replacements, he refused to budge. Hes gone now and if I had my way he would be forever unseen.
To answer all of your questions. The wife was trying to get revenge on her husband. She hates him. She is envious of her friends and decided to use them. If they reject her and stop talking to her and the friendship ends, then what does she care. She is unhappy about a lot of things obviously. Manipulation is easy to do if you are a manipulative person.
Also your explanations do not explain why she didn't just take her friends out on the town in the first place?
What other clues did the OP give? He is unfriendly, harried, under stress, didn't want people at the house? I mean it is clear as day. She invited them into the lion's den and was waiting for some chaos or drama to happen.
Artsy? Have you lost your mind? You are reading all kinds of things into this that don't seem to be there.
I highly doubt the newly married friend "hates" her husband for pete's sake. Most newlyweds don't need to "get revenge" on their new spouses What ARE you talking about???
Yes, it was rude, but explainable. She's newly married, probably not wanting to confront her husband. She likely didn't want to appear to be having fun with her friends, which would have upset him further. His actions were much ruder, since he avoided seeing them and as they were packing, he blew up at them when he could have just let them leave.
Granted we never hear the full story and the OP may have painted their friend in a better light. But, from what we did get, her rudeness can be explained by the demands of her husband in his not wanting them there in the first place.
EXACTLY. In all likelihood the friend extended the invite without consulting her new husband. The husband then expressed his displeasure and not knowing how to revoke the invitation she let the old friend come but didn't want to be seen having too much fun with them to placate her childish hubby. The husband was the rude one, the friend was just chickensh*t.
I meant revenge as in to annoy or frustrate her hubby. It happens in relationships. Ever seen Dr. Phil or Maury? People get on each others nerves.
On the other hand I'm not trying to derail this thread at all. There could be other reasons of course. The wife could be clinically depressed for all we know. I'm not in the OP's shoes at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains
Artsy? Have you lost your mind? You are reading all kinds of things into this that don't seem to be there.
I highly doubt the newly married friend "hates" her husband for pete's sake. Most newlyweds don't need to "get revenge" on their new spouses What ARE you talking about???
WoW, thank you all for so much insight. I will try and address a few items in this thread.
1. My partner and her friend have been friends since freshman high school, we are all in our 30's now.
2. "Friend" has known her husband for many years(6-7), as IMO he stalked her into marriage. She was engaged before and spent time with new husband back then.
3. New husband is 10 years older.
4. "Friend" has always been an independent woman with very much of her own will and strength, even physically, being very obvious to all.
5. We have not visited with either since wedding last September.
6. We have discovered that "friend" has not been in touch with any of the other friends from high school since the wedding, and they all live within 30-1hr distances from each other.
7. House is 80% owned by "Friend" and 20% by husband.
8. "Friend" has not contacted us since the blow up.
9. We DID leave immediately after blow up, husband said "The sooner the better" while in doorway of room we had stayed in, I said "If you move out of the doorway we can leave", husband said " Oh, so now I have to move out of a doorway in my own house?", I asked if he wanted us to throw our suitcases out of the window. We chose not to interact any further or feed into the roll of insults he felt compelled to sling at us while just trying to get our bags.
10. I too have wondered if the husband was before and even more since the marriage, worried his wife would find something else in life via our friendship. NOT US, but just us being a window he may not want her to even daydream while looking through.
I will let you all know if anything else comes of this. I do agree with many of the replies that this is not just the husbands fault, he is a major JERK, but our friend also let this happen, she could have been more mature in her choices vs. making both her friends and husband suffer for her own benefit of avoidance or anything else.
WoW, thank you all for so much insight. I will try and address a few items in this thread.
1. My partner and her friend have been friends since freshman high school, we are all in our 30's now.
2. "Friend" has known her husband for many years(6-7), as IMO he stalked her into marriage. She was engaged before and spent time with new husband back then.
3. New husband is 10 years older.
4. "Friend" has always been an independent woman with very much of her own will and strength, even physically, being very obvious to all.
5. We have not visited with either since wedding last September.
6. We have discovered that "friend" has not been in touch with any of the other friends from high school since the wedding, and they all live within 30-1hr distances from each other.
7. House is 80% owned by "Friend" and 20% by husband.
8. "Friend" has not contacted us since the blow up.
9. We DID leave immediately after blow up, husband said "The sooner the better" while in doorway of room we had stayed in, I said "If you move out of the doorway we can leave", husband said " Oh, so now I have to move out of a doorway in my own house?", I asked if he wanted us to throw our suitcases out of the window. We chose not to interact any further or feed into the roll of insults he felt compelled to sling at us while just trying to get our bags.
10. I too have wondered if the husband was before and even more since the marriage, worried his wife would find something else in life via our friendship. NOT US, but just us being a window he may not want her to even daydream while looking through.
I will let you all know if anything else comes of this. I do agree with many of the replies that this is not just the husbands fault, he is a major JERK, but our friend also let this happen, she could have been more mature in her choices vs. making both her friends and husband suffer for her own benefit of avoidance or anything else.
Now it sounds like he is trying to alienate her from all of her friends....ie anyone who can and would help her.
Do you know any of her family members? Could you sound them out on the situation?
Major red flag for your friend! Please don't give up on her.
Just wondering what others experiences are with friendships that have gone sour. We were staying at my partners childhood friends house this week from an invitation the freind had extended for us to do so. We had not spent time with this friend since her wedding last September which my partner was maid of honor and I was a brides maid. We moved in November and this was our first visit back. We landed on Wednesday and went to the friends house. My partner and her friend went out to dinner while I turned in early to bed. The next morning we left around 4am, having told the friend this already, for our nephews graduation from high school. We returned around 8pm and went to bed with no contact with the friend or her husband. The friend was not home and we were not sure about the huband. The husband had been hiding since we arrived, the friend stated he was over stressed due to a new job on Monday, we said we understood and tried to stay out of the way.
Friday morning we stayed a little longer in the morning and had coffee with the friend before leaving for the day. We again came back to their house around 9pm and went to bed. The friend was out for the evening and we again did not know where the husband was. No eating of their food, no use of anything other than the room we were sleeping in and the guest bathroom.
Sat. morning we had an appointment so we were up early, but not before the friend and her husband. We drank a cup of coffee and left. The friend had a vet appointment that day and we called many times to check in and see if she needed anything. We also had dinner plans for Saturday night with this friend and another friend from high school. We called before getting back to the house to again offer anything we could pick up for our friend. Once back at the house the husband disappeared again, the friend stated she was staying home with her dog, and we could go to dinner without her. We offered to bring some dinner for her or to eat at the house and order in. She declined politely and we left.
We returned to the house an hour or so later, again calling before returning to ask if we could bring anything for her. At this point she informed my partner that her husbands stress had escalated and would we mind staying somewhere else. It was 8pm so a bit of a surprise. We agreed to leave and drove back to the house. Once inside we went upstairs to get our luggage.
There was a knock on the door, it was the husband, we thought he was stopping to apologize for being so distant and somewhat rude. WOW, we were surprised when he laid into us saying he was shocked at how much we were taking advantage of his wifes hospitality by staying at their house. We responded with, the wife had invited us and why would we think it was an imposition being we spent most of our time away from the house and had mainly slept there. He was yelling we had eaten their food and used their stuff. I reminded him we had eaten nothing other than shared coffee with his wife. I told im his irish cream had been empty so we had already picked up a new bottle for them and put it in the frig. He began demanding answers as to why we did not call and ask his permission to stay at their house now that they are married. We responded with the fact that we do not really know him and why would we assume there was an issue when his wife had asked us to stay. He attempted to digress from there with insults and physically antagonistic behavior. The wife was nowhere to be found until our luggage was all outside, she heard from my partner what happened and apologized timidly. We immediatley called a cab and went to a hotel. The friend has not called since.
[
Here is the question, Would you still try and salvage this friendship?
Well, I think the husband made the decision for all of you. And remember, some friendships are not unconditional. No matter if you are right or wrong in your life actions, a person who happens to disagree will always find a reason not to like you, or include you. And will absolutely never excuse you! Possibly they will even falsely accuse you!
I think that is what happened in your case. And if you think, or thought perhaps your friend will/would/should pick being friends with you guys over her spouse,well that is just plain foolish(it is obvious that you weren't asking her to do this). It almost NEVER happens. That stinks, but that's the breaks.
Really the only hope of salvaging the friendship is if the husband calls and apologizes. I wouldn't hold your breath.
Oh yes, it could be a typical case of the hubby being a jealous kind and a control freak to boot! If that happens to be his personality type, then the friendship is doomed forever or until the friend wakes up and smells the coffee.
Last edited by picklejuice; 06-30-2009 at 10:58 AM..
It sounds like the hubby was jealous and intimidated by the thought of his wife being friends with lesbians. Maybe he was afraid you and your partner would "convert" her. Seriously though. ALOT of red flags in this story. Wouldnt surprise me if your friend showed up with "bruises."
I'm no expert, but if not physical abuse, I would bet on verbal and mental abuse as a major factor in your friend's behavior. The distancing from other friends is telling; is she also somewhat distant from family?
I would cut her some slack since her new relationship has the signs of abuse, especially when coupled with her husband's behavior towards you. Sometimes it's like a switch was turned and any abuse gets worse after the marriage. While you may think of her as a strong individual, she may now think she's dependent on her husband and fear is keeping her there, be it being alone, losing the house or any other number of things.
Since you live distantly from her, you can extend her some help by offering her a safe haven. Let her know she is welcome to stay with you if she visits your area. I'd word it so it's clear her husband isn't included, but don't exclude him directly. About the only other thing you can do is to stay in touch with friends to be aware on what is going on.
I have a good one for ya, I've had the same BF for 28 years (I'm 32 yo), he was having his first child. So prior to that him and his fiance had a baby shower, a list was given as far as what they wanted an needed. The big gift on there was a $480 Recaro Racing seat for a baby.
I wanted to get it for him really bad, money was tight that month. Instead I bought the $250 Recaro racing seat for his newborn. I did not give it to him at the party, for it was on order so I told him lookout for the packahge. 2 weeks later never get a thank you or anything, I noticed a refund on my credit card, apparently he returned it back to the company when he found out it was not the baby seat he wanted.
1 week after that his child was born, I called knowing that week his fiance was due, and sure enough they had the baby and never called me. We were like brotheres our entire life.. After that I never called him again, it's been 1 year.,
WOW...people are sh*tty. That's awful. It honestly makes me feel better to read these stories...no offense..because I have had SOOOO many friends pull some shady crap like this...and I keep thinking..OMG..it's me...and now I realize..most people are fake and have no loyalty to you as their friend.
I guess I get disappointed because I am the type of friend who really puts my heart into a relationship...I have flaws..but I am a good person and true to my color...and it seems VERY hard to find others that are that way. Girls I have known for 15 years...and I move across country, temporarily, never hear from them and had my phone calls, emails, and messages ignored.
It's a sad reality when the people I thought were "real" are the same ones that change overnight and make you the lowest priority in their life...for no reason at all.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
What ARE you talking about???
So much to filter...
Seriously though. ALOT of red flags in this story. Wouldnt surprise me if your friend showed up with "bruises."
