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Im sorry but it sounds really bad. what if one of these "ladies" suggested they meet up? Maybe she's passing through town etc. One thing leads to another. If there are more than 1 he's communicating with, sooner or later someone will suggest doing these things in person and it could happen. Id take a break, at minimum from this guy. Good luck.
Jeany,
In my opinion what your husband is doing is wrong. I'd consider it a form of cheating too, but if I knew my wife was doing it I'd give her a break the first time, unlike if I discovered she was physically cheating. However, you've done that and he continues. Stupid!!!
From boards I've been on, I know it's not uncommon. I know of one gal who cybers and has phone sex with a bunch of guys, and supposedly her husband doesn't mind at all. I know some are convinced there's really nothing wrong with it as long as it's kept online, computer or phone. If you and your hubby can't come to an agreement as to whether or not it's cheating, it's hard to see this working out. You can't go on with the torment, and he apparently thinks you're just over-reacting.
Perhaps you could come to a compromise where the two of you write the emails together -- a combination of ideas from both of you. You might find it fun, and instead of driving you apart, it might actually bring the two of you closer together. He'd have to agree, of course, that he'd ONLY correspond with them with you involved -- either a team effort or nothing. Just something to think about.... It may sound far-fetched, but I hate to see couples break up an otherwise good marriage if there's any way to make it work for both.
I am going through the same thing right now. I have been married for almost 8 yrs, together for almost 14. Overall he is a good man. This is what makes it so hard to put up with his internet cheating -- not once, not twice, but four times! Because I wanted to make it work (the good Catholic girl inside of me wanted to anyway), I tried to forgive him and get past it, but it's gotten to the point where so much damage has been done that we're at the point of no return.
Here is some background....soon after we were married, I caught my husband going to porn sites. I was hurt, yes, but thought it's just naked pics of women, OK. I asked him to please stop, he said OK. Fast forward a year later and I happen to come across some page he left on the computer (dumb mistake on his part), so I clicked on it and surprise, surprise, another porn site. He told me he was sorry and just didn't know why he was doing it. (How do you have no explanation?!) I loved him so of course I put up with it, but it was then that the trust started breaking down. I know all men like to look at porn (most men anyway), so I know it shouldn't be THAT big of a deal, right? But I really thought that that HE was different. Overall he is a good person, just does stupid things. I'm sure it has something to do with his past and his dysfunctional family growing up. He hides his real feelings because he doesn't want to hurt anyone. He is very caring and I know he loves me. But sometimes that just isn't enough.
Anyway, fast forward to spring 2006. My women's intuition was kicking in, something wasn't feeling right. I had that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was up to no good again. I checked the history on our computer and low & behold, I was right.... but this time it was actual cheating sites, where the site caters to people that want to have affairs! This was more than just a porn site! Then I find out he set up a separate yahoo account so that I wouldn't find out that he was emailing actual women that wanted to have an affair with him! When I confronted him, he denied it (of course) but then eventually admitted to it. He was ashamed & embarrassed, said he has a "sickness" and is addicted to it. I told him to show me EVERYTHING he was doing, which he did, including an email he sent to this one woman that was very sexually explicit. Reading how he would do certain things to her, etc.... things I thought that were only meant for me -- his WIFE! I was sick with hurt, resentment, despair, you name it. He even sent a pic of himself to this woman -- a pic I took on our Valentine's Day weekend getaway! How nice, right?! I was shocked... SHOCKED to say the least that he would really take it THIS far -- talking to actual women, not just fantasizing over some random naked pic of a model. I demanded that he seeking counseling, which he complied with. Months went by & we seemed to be doing well. I was hoping that our trust would now start to rebuild. Then later that year I got pregnant -- an unexpected, totally NOT planned pregnancy, but we were extremely happy about it. Things were finally turning for the better, so I thought. Eventually he stopped going to counseling, thinking that he was doing really well and didn't need it anymore. Plus, finances were really tight with the baby coming, so we cut costs in different ways, him seeing the doctor was one of them since he felt that he was in a good place emotionally.
In Dec 2009 my intuition kicked in again. I tried to push it out of my head. I did not want to believe that he would do this to me again -- especially now that we have a child! What reason could he have?? We had been stressed with unexpected repairs on a house we bought last year, plus work was really stressing him out, but I didn't want to think that this made him go back to cheating on me. I had to know, so I confronted him. He denied it -- denied it AGAIN, after all this time and all the hurt he's caused me... the coward can't even be a man & admit when he's wrong! Later on that day he finally admitted to it. He said he was paying $100-$150 a month to belong to these sites. He even said that he had talked to one woman about possibly meeting up somewhere -- though he says he would never follow-through with it -- YEAH! Like I am supposed to believe that?! He could tell from my face that he knew he had just made the biggest mistake of his life.
So now I have our daughter to think about. He pleaded that I please forgive him (AGAIN!) and that he would do everything and anything to save our marriage. He started seeing a doctor again, one that does more intensive therapy. The doctor wanted to see me recently to get my feelings on the situation, so I went a few weeks ago. It felt good to get my feelings out to someone who might be able to help us. She asked that we go in and see her together, so this past weekend we did. It was quite an eye-opener, and not in a good way. In one hour I was able to see just how wishy-washy my husband was, trying to say all the right things so that he wouldn't really have to deal with what was going on. He 'performed' for me in front of the doctor, trying to act like things were OK with us for the most part but that I needed to find a way to trust him again... that he feels like he is doing everything to rebuild the trust but he can never seem to do anything right, etc. etc. Are you f-ing kidding me??!? Then he said that he always knew that what he was doing was wrong but didn't feel he could talk to me about his true feelings, just like when we were first married and he felt like he couldn't do what he wanted to do, like watch sports on TV or go out with friends. WHAT?! So THAT's why you cheat on your wife?!?! Such bull****! Who the hell did I marry anyway? What happened to the man I fell in love with?! I am ALWAYS there for him no matter what, willing to help him however I can -- why else would I put up with CHEATING??!! I got choked up in the meeting, thinking that this is over, what am I going to do as a single mother to a 22 month old?! How are we going to sell the house in this market?! It was then that my husband looked at me and saw all the hurt and pain in my eyes. I was EXHAUSTED -- emotionally & physically drained. I was DONE. That's when he broke down and said he never meant to hurt me like this, it's not who he really is, he's a better man than what he's shown me, etc. But you know what? This was the first time when I saw him crying where I didn't feel ANYTHING -- no compassion for him whatsoever. A non-feeling vessel. It was if he'd depleted me of any feeling left in my body for him. I realized then in that moment that this was the turning point. I cannot stay married to a weak, wishy-washy, cowardly, individual. Yes, he's a great father to our daughter and yes, I know he loves us both... but there is only so much one person can take. I can't go one more year being married to someone I can't trust. You can't be truly happy in a life like that.
So here I am, trying to face the inevitable. How do I tell my husband that I want to separate? I've been putting it off for days. After all he's done to us and this family, I still love him and find it very hard to end it. This will devastate him, I know it will. But he brought this on himself! There are SO many things I have to consider, mainly financial. I cannot make it on my own salary and take care of my daughter the way I want to. I fear that I may have to file for bankruptcy and rent some cheap apartment or town house for the next 10 years of my life. My credit will be ruined. I will never have any money to do anything. I guess it is still better than being in a marriage where I can't trust my husband, right?
WOW! MY fiance just moved out last night. Yes, I threw him out, and for THE VERY SAME THING! What is wrong with these guys? We had been engaged and living together for 4 years, joint finances, plans for the future, etc. He thinks we can "work it out", but really there is no trust left. THIS IS CHEATING. The bible says it is a sin to lust after other women. It is also demeaning, insulting, and a betrayal. Do you really want to have to spy on him FOREVER?!? That is what you will do if you don't trust him. Get out now, while you have a good excuse.
WOW! MY fiance just moved out last night. Yes, I threw him out, and for THE VERY SAME THING! What is wrong with these guys? We had been engaged and living together for 4 years, joint finances, plans for the future, etc. He thinks we can "work it out", but really there is no trust left. THIS IS CHEATING. The bible says it is a sin to lust after other women. It is also demeaning, insulting, and a betrayal. Do you really want to have to spy on him FOREVER?!? That is what you will do if you don't trust him. Get out now, while you have a good excuse.
Let me guess, a Google search yielded this thread? I hate how these threads get started by people who only join CD to write that particular post and then they pretty much abandon it, and then they get resurrected months or years later by someone else who might also abandon CD... ah well, just a thought.
Anyway, I will share my thoughts on the topic as soon as I get my thoughts together!
I have been experiencing the sam problem in my relationship. I caught not once but three times and I told him this is the final straw, if I catch him again i will leave and i think he knows that i mean it. I know i should have left the other two times but we have been together for over seven years and i hope that this time it is the final time.
I have been experiencing the sam problem in my relationship. I caught not once but three times and I told him this is the final straw, if I catch him again i will leave and i think he knows that i mean it. I know i should have left the other two times but we have been together for over seven years and i hope that this time it is the final time.
In baseball, it's three strikes and you're out. You caught him 3 times, but you have no idea of how many you missed.
this is really taking a toll on relationshiops everywhere. Men act out due to boredom, unhappiness, unfufilled dreams, any number of reasons. Sometimes, they are good people who get caught up in garbage, more often than not, it will take a great amount of work to overcome what has happened. In fact, work on both parts. The duplicity is the hardest thing to get over and for the man, the hardest thing to defeat and overcome.
I'm in a simlar boat J. Only my husband signed on to a european site designed to find one's "love".
I wasn't aware for the first month, it continued for 3 months when a mentor found out and asked him what he was doing. Apology to me followed with promise to stop and work on our marriage. Lasted 2 months....found out last week he has resigned up to that site and is making plans to meet with (at this count) 8 beautiful young (22 to 40 years old) "ready to love and marry" him females. He is 54 years old, I am 57. We have been married 30 years, together for 32 years. I'm not guaranteeing this will happen to you, but I do fear pain for you in the future. Please get some counselling advice for yourself...it really gets too hard to handle. I don't know how this will end for me as it seems too daunting to have to go on to a new lifestyle with no finances of my own. (it takes alot of "squirreling away" funds for a trip to Europe as I've found out. ). I hope you find some resolution for yourself. You are young and have a great chance of "making it". I wish you all the best.
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Stupid!!!
same situation
